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I was told my friend doesn't wish to speak to me anymore. Do I ask her about this?

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2019) 3 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

someone who is really horrible and by far the most nasty and manipulative person I have ever met due to multiple reasons inboxed me and told me my friend does not want to speak to me again . I'm not sure if he said this to be hurtful or if he is telling the truth or lying as by saying it he knew it would get to me and shows his manipulative side . there is no reason why she would not want to speak to me again as I have not seen her in months anyways , although I have been planning on getting in contact with her and we have never had an argument and we always seem to enjoy one and others company. but part of me thinks what if it is true as I haven't seen her since September and haven't talked since November as I am often hesitant about contacting people and I know she often has a hectic lifestyle so I just wanted her to settle in to uni before perhaps contacting her and sometimes I feel I need to get used to not seeing people for months without thinking irrational thoughts like they don't want to speak to me any longer

when im with her I really like her and if what he says his true it makes me feel so sad , im unsure of what to do , if I message her and she says its true I will just want to cry , If I don't I may never know until she may or may not contacts me and sometimes I don't always get a reply as she is slow with replies and when this happens I fear the worst and if I message her what should I say ?

the person who messaged me used to be her boyfriend and he was horrible to her , I met her through him and he knows exactly how to worm his way back into her life and she is too vulnerable and loves his too much to ever fully accept he should not be in her life . what should I do ?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 April 2019):

Whenever you receive unsolicited news or rumors, consider the source.

You described the guy in very negative terms; so you know he has no credibility. I note that people nowadays take stories or the news first-hand; without doing their follow-up research to test the information for any sort of validity, verification, or corroborating facts to establish the truth. That's what makes social media an excellent tool for swaying public-opinion and spreading disinformation.

You know for a fact, that your friend has no qualms with you. You know for a fact that the last time you were in-contact that you parted on good-terms. You also know for a fact that if she really didn't want to speak to you again; she'd have to have a very good reason, and would tell you.

Now consider this. You heard it from someone you find nasty and detestable. Her EX!!! I mean...seriously?!! Even if she still wants him in her life; that has nothing to do with this second-hand information you just received. He's removing anyone that might be a barrier or source of reasoning that could protect her.

If you put two and two together; you'd know he is trying to stirrup drama and dissension. He probably said something to her about you, and she defended you; or he's just reusing you to get a rise out of you. He knows the first thing you're going to do is get upset. The next thing is you'll mull over whether you should contact her; and if the information is confirmed, you will be devastated.

It's not true until you verify it is!

Never ever react before you know the facts. Place your emotional-reaction on-hold; until you know if what you've heard is true. Overreaction and premature-reaction is dangerous and destructive in so many ways!

Call your friend. Speak to her as you normally would, and don't mention anything about "what you've heard." Don't even give him the "narcissistic supply" of knowing he had control over your feelings and emotions. Don't alarm her, if she has no clue about any of this. She may not want to be caught-up in a drama between you and her ex-boyfriend. He's probably trying to get her to contact him by making you relay something that isn't true.

If there is a problem she will let you know. If she wants to talk, it is likely she will mention any concerns. If it doesn't even come-up; you'll know it was all bull manure, and just another mean prank from her ex. Hoping to separate her from her friends and support-systems. Block him from all your devices, your phone, and social media accounts. If he can't reach you, or has no means of contact, he can't pester you.

Otherwise, resume and reacquaint your friendship; and don't let Nasty-X taint it in any way. Don't mention his name. Stay neutral! It's up to her how she prefers to deal with her ex; unless she seeks your advice. You don't have any reason to allow him access to your phone or social media accounts. You have no reason to maintain him as a contact.

Never let your friends think you're given to listening to or spreading rumors and lies. It's better to seek the truth, and then react.

Always ask the messenger how they came-by their information; and you should verify what they say is true. Jumping to conclusions is the quickest way to lose trust; and to perpetuate unsubstantiated-stories, rumors, and lies unwittingly. You call and tell her "what he said:" now she's upset. You just handed her a reason to speak to him; if she has otherwise maintained the no-contact rule.

Beware of any statement that starts out like "I heard that..." or "did you hear?" He didn't use those words per say; but he implicated that she would come to [him] before she would come to you, about any problems she has with you. If you use your sense of logic, that makes no sense. Why would she tell her douche-bag ex anyway? Is she that big of a coward? Be that the case, if she would relay hurtful messages through other people; she's no friend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2019):

Since this guy has a history with your friend that is quite shady, I would definitely reach out to her, soon, and just check in. Ask if you and she are ok, and apologize for not contacting her in so long.

I am not sure if you should bring up what the ex-boyfriend said unless she asks, since it might be his way of getting her attention again, like a stalker or something. Don't respond to him at all of course.

Make sure she knows that you are there for her, and that she can always reach out to talk, just in case she has let him back in her life, and he is trying to isolate her from her friends. Another thing to watch out for with abusive boyfriends.

I hope your friend is ok and you two can catch up very soon!

R

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntTALK to HER and BLOCK him.

If he sent you an e-mail - set his e-mail up to go to the TRASH, if he inboxed you on social media, just block, unfollow, delete etc.

It's NOt up to him whether you two talk or not. Or for him to be the messenger. Now she MIGHT not want to talk to you any more but I'd let HER tell you that.

Also when you DO talk to her, don't mention him. Just send her a message saying:" hi, how are you long time, no see!"

If she doesn't respond or tell you to take a hike, you will know what's up.

She might not know what this dude is up to, but don't let some twat of an ex-bf ruining a friendship, even if you don't see each other much.

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