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I was molested, but my boyfriend is apathetic!

Tagged as: Friends, Sex, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 July 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *ehkay writes:

Okay, I'm having a bit of a dilema..

I've been with my boyfriend for two years and 8 months (tomorrow, the 10th, will be 9 months). We've never been a problematic couple and we always try not to argue. But now things have turned for the worst. I'll start from the beginning (it will be long) so please bear with me.

In the beginning of May, I went out with my friends to a dance club and had a very horrible experience. A man was beaten to death in the club that night and I had to leave because the police were coming and my friend (we'll call her Leslie) was scared senseless so she made me and another girl jump into some random guys car. Now don't judge, I didn't know she didn't know him. Before we got in she told me he was a really old friend and she trusted him to take us home. Well, turned out she didn't know him and before we knew it he was taking us to his home where there were four other guys waiting. Long story short, I was molested that night. I had been molested by my cousin before at age 12 and now at age 17. I've been through a lot of trauma in my life and I have definately learned from it! I don't go out dancing anymore without a secure ride (being my car) and I don't go out with Leslie anymore.

Anywho, I told my boyfriend the next day. He didn't know that I had gone out the night before and that was where I was in the wrong and I accept that. I really needed him to be there for me but instead he was very apathetic and self concerned saying I should never do that to him again (meaning never going out without telling him) and saying why do I do this to him. I was very hurt by him telling me this because for a while after that I felt guilty and I have blamed it on myself. Well the weeks went by and I had nightmares about the incident and it was very hard to recover on my own. After I told him, he would ditch me a lot to be with his friends and wouldn't talk to me as much. I explained to him how I felt but he would get mad over the fact that I would get mad over him ditching me. I had no one but myself but I still believed he loved me.

One weekend, we had planned to be together all Saturday because he wanted to spend time with me (this was about three weeks after the incident). The Friday night before, we were trying to get intimate (first time since everything happened) and I couldn't. He got mad because I started crying and I couldn't tell him what was wrong. I was too emotional to tell him so he left. The next day, I was still very emotional and I broke down very badly. I started cutting myself again and I needed him by my side very badly. I had text him asking when he was coming and he told me he, instead, wanted to go play soccer with his friends. I told him what was going on and how bad I wanted to kill myself but he told me I was just being dramatic and I should have been over it and that it was my fault for not telling him the night before. I asked him to please come over afterward and he said no. He said I was being dramatic and to stop. I was so hurt.. more then ever before. That night, I broke up with him. I was too hurt to move on with him. I then wanted him back and he didn't take me back so I begged (stupid move, I know!) I then realized I was stupid for begging and deserved better then him and I decided to let it go. Then he started begging for me back and I just couldn't. I told him we'd talk.

After about two weeks of talking things over, I decided to give him another chance but told him he had to prove to me that he was going to change. I wanted him to stop ditching me, believe me, and start showing his appreciation for me (that has been a problem for a while). He said yes and gave me all the bull i.e. I never want to loose you, I love you, blah blah. I confessed to him that I no longer was in love with him and did realize I don't need him and that he was a big jerk (finally realizing it! haha). I said he needed to change big time. He wasn't (and still isn't) the loving, caring guy he used to be. He is very cocky and mean. He doesn't respect me like before and I feel like he only really wants to be with me when he knows we'll have sex or he'll get a handjob or something.

Back on track, to this day we are still having problems. It's like every week we fight and I'm so tired of it. I've broken up with him soo many times. I can't even remember all the times! He keeps ditching me and getting mad at me for getting mad at him. He's just playing with me..and I am just so fed up! For example, I've been trying to do new things to help us build our trust and love in each other. I did this thing where we each wrote 10 things down that showed that we cared about each other and we had to do one thing for two weeks every single day. He stopped after day 6..and it really hurt. He put all this expensive and selfish stuff on his list like "ditch people for me". Really? He ditched me yesterday and I got really upset and he is mad at me and didn't talk to me because he said he didn't want to deal with me and he'd deal with me tomorrow (meaning today) and I was not going to let him choose when he could talk to me so I told him I didn't want to speak to him today and this is the first time we've gone a whole day without speaking in almost three years. He's made me feel like the whole fight is my fault because I'm not allowed to get mad when he ditches me but he wants me to ditch my friends for him.

Let me just get straight to it. I already know what everyone is going to say. He's a jerk and I'm stupid for even dealing with him this long. He's never verbally or physically abused me but he just makes me feel really bad. I've talked to him about it so much but it just never gets through. Breaking up hasn't gotten through to him either. I just don't know what to do. One day I feel amazing with him and the next, he's ignoring me blaming it on me again. I know I should leave him but what I really want to know is is there anyway to fix our relationship? I do love him. I want to be in love with him again. I'm not even sure what I want to here from you aunts, but I'm really needing some guidance on any aspect of my story. Please help.

View related questions: broke up, cousin, hand-job, I love you, move on, text

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A female reader, msvee United States +, writes (10 July 2010):

msvee agony auntYeah, you were both wrong, but it was so minor that you didn't tell him that it shouldn't even matter. Also can be argued that you didn't have to tell him but that's really debatable. He is being too self-absorbed, vain, and sort of sadistic. You have an amazing amount of patience, but he needs to change and none of what you've been telling him seems to be getting through. You may need to break up with him and he'll need a good, long time before he'll realize what he's lost.

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A female reader, romany United Kingdom +, writes (10 July 2010):

romany agony auntFirst off, you need help for the abuse you have suffered in the past, that has to be your number one priority, I'm not sure how you go about it in your country, so hopefully someone here will know, if you dont.

Some people are very unsympathetic over things they have no understanding of, sometimes its because of an emotional block, sometimes its coz they are unfeeling bastards, I think you have yourself an unfeeling bastard, and your flogging a dead horse, the guy you were in love with, has gone, i'm not sure if he is same age as you, but the way he is acting is very immature so i'm gonna assume he is, has hormones running wild, his life has changed dramatically, he's becoming a man, and he isn't the boy you started with 3 years ago.

Let him go, stop using him as a crutch to heal all the bad things that happened to you and get help babe, once you've learnt to love yourself, you wont be so dependant on someone else. Boyfriends should enhance your life, make you HAPPIER, not cause this sort of torment in your mind.

If you two are meant to be, if you are soul mates, he and you will reunite one day, I truly believe that, but right now, you need to make a break, and get some help.

Good luck sweetheart, I know what your going thru, and i'm sending you a big cyber hug full of strength to help you thru this.

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (10 July 2010):

xanthic agony auntThere's such a thing as emotional abuse, and he's definitely guilty of it. It doesn't matter how much you love him in this case, because he's already made it clear he won't change for you, even in spite of everything you've been through.

He's going to continue doing exactly what he's been doing because aside from a serious talk here and there, and even breaking up for a while, there haven't been any real consequences. You said it yourself, not even breaking up gets through to him. He has the emotional maturity of an 11 year old boy, and that's not going to change any time soon. Get rid of him and find someone that will respect you.

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