A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered my boyfriend of 4 years watches porn and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I know and understand most guys watch it but I have no confidence and self esteem as it is, I always think I'm not good enough for him and have said this numerous times in the past. I just feel like there's always someone better than me out there, and now he's watching porn I feel like I'm not giving him what he wants in the bedroom. I really want to approach the situation and talk to him about how it's making me feel but I don't know what to say. I just feel like I'm constantly comparing myself and trying to better myself and be someone he wants. Any advice and help will be much appreciated.
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confidence, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): If you have issues with your self-esteem and confidence; even if your boyfriend quit watching porn, it won't make any difference. You're the same with or without his watching porn.
If you think you're not good enough for someone; then you don't belong in a relationship with them. Don't blame that entirely on him. You brought that into your relationship with you.
Now comes the straight-talk.
You're in an adult-relationship; and you should have your act together. Your body-image and self-esteem are matters of life that you must deal with yourself. Before you bring a man into your life, you should have all that under control.
You do not subject yourself to psychological-torture.
You must get the necessary help, or counseling, to correct the problem. Then you get out there, and deal with life.
You cannot be an insecure mess; then get a man who has to dance around your insecurities. If you're going to share your bed and life with someone; you have to have the nerve to have grown-up discussions with them. If he's doing something that bothers you terribly, you have to be mature enough to address that issue. It concerns the relationship which you both are in. Not just you! Any habits you have that bothers him, I bet he won't hesitate to tell you! You should have equal-rights!
Sweetheart, relationships require two adults that are in control of their lives; and their capacity to cope with the challenges life will set before them. They should seek professional-help for mental-health or psychological-issues that hamper their ability to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship. If you're silently suffering the whole time you're together; neither of you belong together. It means he's there, because you're dependent on someone else to hold you together. It means you need a man and a relationship to cling to. Maybe you don't feel strong enough to take care of yourself. Uh-ugh! No one should live like that. At the mercy of another person.
You should be able to love yourself for who you are, and expect no less from a man.
You don't like him using porn. Tell him. Then you've given him notification necessary to establish your self-worth. It is a demand for his respect, and consideration of your feelings. You have that right.
He'll either stop; or do it even more secretively. Bear in-mind, he's a grown-man. He is not your husband. He doesn't have to stop doing anything; just because you say so, or don't like it. Neither does he have to take responsibility for the fact that you don't like yourself. Whether he watches porn or not.
If he stops, what will you do to change? Will you feel better about yourself, more worthy as a person? Shouldn't he also have a girlfriend who feels deserving of the men she chooses to bring into her life? You've got your own work to do.
You can't stop a healthy heterosexual-male from being attracted to other women. He selected you as the woman he cares for; and resists going after other women out of love and respect for you. Porn is a form of entertainment. Men like to masturbate; and porn is an effective aid that has been introduced into our society exploiting that nature. It is an indulgence of which many men part-take, due to it's almost explosive exposure to modern culture.
Next-time, let any future man in your life know you don't commit to men who like porn. Then don't! Set the ultimatum for your boyfriend; either he stops or you're gone. Mean it, or never bring it up again.
Lets say you decide to get rid of your boyfriend. Then one problem is resolved. Then you'll have to do something about your self-esteem and confidence. Which should be handled before you go and get yourself into another relationship.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (2 August 2017):
If your BF is a normal guy, he has probably been watching porn since 12. Porn usage is normal on men, although many, many woman hate that bad habit. Some girls say it's emotional cheating, etc.
Well, I honestly don't think so. Sometimes, having sex involves time and a lot of effort, and the right mix of ingredients for things to go smooth. Sometimes we guys just want some quick relief, and not go to the whole process.
I personally don't know your BF's reasons, but it could be along the lines of what I mentioned before.
"I just feel like I'm constantly comparing myself and trying to better myself and be someone he wants."
First of all, you need to handle your insecurities. If your BF is with you, is for a reason, and it's likely that he is very attracted to you. You should stop comparing yourself with other girls, regardless of what your BF does, because that's a recipe for unhappiness on the long run. The more you compare yourself with others, you will always find things other persons have that you don't, and you probably won't have. So please stop right know before it's too late. You should also learn to love yourself as you are.
You should not worry or panic about the kind of porn he watches. There will always going to be a girl better looking than you, specially in porn, but that doesn't mean that your BF is going to dump you, or that you are not providing what he wants. Imagine, just as an example, that your BF is into tentacle porn; in that case, there is nothing you can do about it, since you don't have tentacles or any other kind of weird thing. Many people have fetishes that they will probably never going to fulfill with their sentimental partners, so the only way to fantasize about that is porn. It's an escape of reality.
In some guys, porn is a way to cope with depression (been there, done that).
Finally, talk with him, find out his reasons for watching porn, ask at what age did he started watching porn, try to reach agreements on what should be reasonable porn usage, what you need, what you expect. I think this will work out for both of you.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (2 August 2017):
 There are two problems here. One he is using Porn. Two, You have no self esteem and are constantly comparing yourself. You think these problems are connected, but in fact these problems both were going on before you two even met. You have not caused him to turn to porn because you are not giving him something he wants in bed. He was using porn before. It can't be something you did.
You have not lost your self esteem because you caught him using porn. You had no esteem before you met him. It can't be something He did.
In fact on the average there is a pretty good chance that his porn usage has decreased, and your esteem has increased since you met.
That's my off the cuff analysis. It could be wrong, and of course you know your situation better than I possibly could.
Now to some advice. If you hated smoking, if the smoke gave you asthma, would you date a chain smoker? No, you would dump him the first time he lit up. This guy has a bad habit that you detest. I have no problem with you being offended by porn usage, Being offended by porn is at least as common as using porn. Why would you change yourself to get along with someone who doesn't share your core beliefs and values? Better to find a more compatible person.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 August 2017):
 You're not going to like the advice you get. You need therapy for this because it's your problem, not his.
Your insecurities wil sabotage your relationships, not his occasional porn use (unless he's addicted).
It's a fact of life that there will always be prettier, smarter, fitter, richer people than us, but we have to learn to accept that. You need therapy, rather than using it as an excuse to control things you can't control - like someone else's behaviours.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (2 August 2017):
 The porn is a side issue here, you think he does not love you because he looks at some porn, instead of talking about him looking at porn, get a sex few ed DVD's on the net, and look at them with him, this way you can explore what each other likes, and what you might be up for and even what you don't know.
we all think we know ourselves until we try something and we even think we know all about sex, I am still learning, I am here on this site with only a few weeks and I learn something new here all the time,
thanks to Bill Clinton I now enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, When we were young sex was not talked about so we did not know anything about oral,
the more you educate yourself the better for the two of you,
I have said here often that we don't know why he was looking at porn or what was going through his head at that time, he might be looking at it thinking it is a good way to get tips, (silly boy ) as we know what goes on in porn is not real, but men like that type thing, and some people think it is good,
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