A
male
age
,
*r Peel
writes:My wife left me over 20 years ago and took my children with her. This all happened while I was out at work one day and I've never really come to terms with it. I think I understand why she did it, but her actions were too drastic and I feel we could have worked the problem through.She subsequently re married.I have always remained on good terms with her and have become even more friendly in recent years and I sense that there is a strong connection between us. My partner is uncomfortable with me having this telephone contact, but I have maintained my right to do so.I feel that there is so much that remains unsaid between us and I would like to meet her and talk about things.If I suggest this and it were to happen, I could put my relationship at risk, but the whole situation just nags away at me I just can't seem to put it out of my mind. What should I do.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (5 November 2014):
 I have to agree with the other aunts, sounds like you never got over the ex and still live in the past. If you take the step to meet with her, then you have made up your mind and who really you want, so do the kind thing and let the current partner go.
You do realise that you ex is for reason and as much as we tell you its best not to get together I am willing to bet you are going to anyway. Its just human nature.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): I think the first thing you must do, is stop wasting your new partners life by pretending that you love her, when really you want to be with your x wife. Stop lying to her and lying to yourself. Priority is to end this relationship and stop been selfish.
You have, that what if? mind, and in reality, it would probably be very very different.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 November 2014):
 I honestly think that you are 20 years too late for the whole "talking things through".
She is still married to the second husband? If so, then you BOTH have chosen NEW partners and should have some respect for these people.
I can see why your current partner is uncomfortable with the contact, because it seems like you are hoping to rekindle the "glory days" with the ex wife, even if they weren't so GLORIOUS. I think she (your GF) senses that you are not to talking to the mother of your children, but to the woman you loved and still love. You talk about a "strong connection" between you and your wife. But it's NOT so strong that you are willing to give up what you have to find out if it actually IS as strong in reality?
I don't think YOU are being fair to your partner. Because THERE you are "fantasizing" about "what could have been" and "what should have been" and let's not forget.... "what could be again".
My husband's ex wife left him too. 5 YEARS before he and I met. She was a VERY bitter woman (still is) but she is also a VERY lonely woman. She has written my husband COUNTLESS LONG heartfelt emails about how she doesn't understand why THEY didn't work out when he seems to be able to with me. She has invited him (alone of course) to come VISIT her. (not for the kids - they all live out of state atm) She invited him to come spend his 2 weeks R&R from Iraq with HER (instead of him coming home to his family) and she thought that was totally fine... - now my husband showed me these e-mails and he also showed me the response he sent her. He sticks to talking about the kids (they are in their 20's now, so not really kids per se + he talks TO them instead of through her to them). She tries to use him as a shoulder to cry on. How sad and lonely she is... blah blah blah..
Even with hubby SHARING these e-mails with me, IT STILL makes me uncomfortable. It's HER choice to not date, not not cultivate friends - and quite frankly I find it annoying that she thinks, HE should BE there for her. If he ignores her e-mails she will blow up his phone with texts. At first he did like you "maintained his "right" to still be in contact" - which makes sense to me, as they SHARE kids. But there is a VERY fine line between keeping in contact FOR THE KIDS and keeping in contact because you have HOPE to reconnect. It has taken him YEARS to realize that the constant contact was giving her "hope" that she somehow is BETTER then me and thus have more "right" to my husband. Which is... ridiculous. I have NOT told my husband that he can't talk to her, but I have asked him HOW he would feel if I had the SAME kind of conversations with an ex of mine, how would he feel?
They rarely talk now. Usually it's when she wants money for something (since the kids are in their 20's she doesn't get child support any more and any kind of financial help to the kids goes straight to them - like for college).
IF you think you and your EX wife have something TRULY special and unique, then LEAVE your current partner and give it a go. DON'T string your current partner along while you entertain this fantasy.
OR END the fantasy and FOCUS on your current partner. My guess is something is missing from your current relationship and you are entertaining the "what if" fantasy about the ex to fill that void. FIGURE out what's missing and WORK on that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): Well, is it really worth risking your current relationship for one that failed the first time?
I'm sure you have many questions you would like answers for but why now? Its been twenty years is it necessary to bring it all up again and possibly lose the good thing you have at the moment. However if you just want to talk to your ex and discuss what went wrong before then explain this to your current partner, hopefully she will understand. If you do meet your ex with romantic intensions, there is a strong possibility things will go wrong!
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