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I want to swing, but my wife doesnt

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2007) 12 Answers - (Newest, 3 February 2014)
A male United States age 41-50, *dventerous writes:

My wife and I are still young, We are both 34 and we have been together for 17 years, highschool sweet hearts and I love her very much. But lately, I have been expressing to her how much I would like to be with another couple. She is a very beautiful women(HOT) and I'm the only guy she has ever been with, but to be honest, I would't mind if she was with someone in front of me, but she's not into that. She doesn't want to watch or be watched. I guess you can say, I'm a closet swinger. I need that excitement and she knows it, something spontaneous, adventerous. We don't even have to swap, just to be in that environment of a swingers club would work. What do I do?

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A male reader, acerider India +, writes (3 February 2014):

A year back, I suggested ‘wife swap’ to my wife, she was shocked and her reaction was that I must be insane to think of something like that. I had no courage to pursue this topic again. However, I was not prepared to give up so easily. After a lot of thinking, it came to my mind that I was wrong to have suggested this out of blue, without preparing her for it. After much thought, I embarked on a different strategy. For a pretty long time this matter was not brought up.

Thereafter, we never had the routine quickie sex once a week, as was the case in the past. We would now generally have wine before going to bed, (that was to loosen her a little a bit). Soon enough we were watching porn together and then came role playing, erotic stories and sex toys. I read to her a lot of swinger stories. This led to a lot a discussion including fantasizing. She gradually confided in me about her fantasies.

Then quietly came back the subject of swinging and wife swapping. We were soon planning a swap and looking for a suitable couple. It took us almost eight months to involved a couple friend and make it happen. Anyway that is a different story altogether

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011):

I've been married for 16 years and have 3 good kids. We have the so called million dollar life. I know where he is coming from, I love my wife very much too. We tried it once but she really is not into it, but I liked it. She said fooling around was ok but no sex. I think of it all the time, and I'm scared that I might cheat on her one day. I don't want that. I know that is wrong and I would not wish that on anybody, it's just hard not to think like that. One of you said, "You need to let go of this fantasy", but it works both ways, right?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009):

You need to let go of this fantasy and work with your wife to have the best sex life the two of you can have. If you push this topic you better be ready for a divorce, as it's a common result when guys don't know when to stop trying to force a woman to screw other men... you're playing with real fire here...

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A male reader, Red Green 0289 United States +, writes (15 July 2009):

Consider a vacation at an adult resort. Look into 'Desire' in Mexico. You can spend 3 to 7 days in the sun (or shade) with little or no clothing, in a sexually charged enviroment, and play together or if she's willing, add someone.

However, DO NOT trick her into going. If she's 100% into it, give it a try- but DO NOT go with an agenda, other than spending a week with her. The best way to be disapointed is to go with a check list...

Off premise clubs can also be a good introduction. no sex at the club, just a charged atmosphere.

Swinging can WRECK a marriage, and it's MORE WORK to be swing that you can imagine... alot more work! Lots and lots of communication, checking in w/ each other and staying connected. Finding partners is also alot of work as you've BOTH got to connect, as do they. If you thought dating a woman was hard, try 2 people dating couples... your success ratio may be very low...

Be careful what you wish for. Many men get into swinging as the wife is interested. They CONTROL the entire event, and some men (after getting in to it) find that they want out, but the woman doesn't. Good luck, it can be alot of fun, but I've found once or twice a year - on vacation, can keep us charged up for 6 months like you can't imagine!

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A male reader, JTalbott United States +, writes (23 May 2008):

JTalbott agony auntA great sexual experience is about doing something that BOTH partners willingly want to do. Pushing your partner to do something she doesn't want to do, whatever that may be, is a quick way to make something that is mutually pleasurable tense and uncomfortable.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008):

I'd encounter the same problem with my ex wife, all I had to do was to get some info into it. You know polyamory and such, after that we'd fucked all of my girlfriends. she did enjoyed a lot!!! Then she got curious, but soon after that she did'nt want to do it anymore because all the people I knew were younger than us.

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A female reader, LauraE United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2007):

Swinging can be risky even if both partners are willing, because eventually one side or the other might get jealous. But that would be your choice - if you were both willing it might work. If one of you is unwilling it is a complete no-no. Pressuring your wife into doing something that she strongly doesn’t want to do – in fact to break her marriage vows – would be disastrous. I didn’t say that as a moral dig at you, I suspect that she feels like that about it, apart from her issues with modesty. This could be a marriage-breaker if you can’t deal with it.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (13 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI'm with Irish49.

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A female reader, deejuliet United States +, writes (13 July 2007):

deejuliet agony auntFirst let me say that you should not force your wife to something that she is totally against. She will make you regret it!

Now, swinging is a lifestyle that is not for everybody and your wife may feel insulted and turned off that you want to see her having sex with another man. I know that when my ex husband used to say that to me I would dry up like the sahara desert I was so hurt. However I do think you can approach it in a softer manner. Instead of suggesting having sex in front of others how about just going to a swingers club together? Being in that environment may be a huge turn on that you can then take home to share with each other instead of strangers. My current partner and I have discussed doing this and as long as we keep our hands on each other I think it would be fun!

Also, have you ever considered nudism/naturism? While social nudism has very little to do with sex this might be a good comprimise. I have found that since becoming a nudist I am, simply put, more confortable in my own skin. Being nude is a very freeing experience and because it is not a sexual experience your wife might be more open to it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007):

You do nothing..let this go. Swinging is plainly an emotional topic for your wife because her underlying beliefs of marriage and monogamy are being questioned. It's plain to see she does not want this and you need to respect her thoughts and feelings. She could be viewing this as an issue of you wanting the most important person (her) in your life with someone else, who is basically a stranger. If she believes this, then that is not a good thing? To me and a lot of people out there, marriage means complete monogamy. So I have to ask-are you not feeling fulfilled in your marriage? Your wife must be asking herself the same thing. The lifestyle is not for everyone and you need to accept her answer. Both partners in a swinging couple must both want to swing and both must have complete trust for one another or it simply won’t fly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007):

Most women aren't into swinging or sharing partners. I personally think it's gross, and I would be really upset if my partner wanted to see me have sex with another man. It would really hurt my feelings. I wonder how your wife feels about the fact that you want to see her with another man. She may be hurt, so I wouldn't push the issue anymore, and find some other way to get your kicks. Or if you can't stand the idea of just being with your wife for the rest of your life, you may have to seek a divorce. But definitely don't cheat on her, as that will just hurt everyone involved.

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A female reader, JessAgonyAunt United Kingdom +, writes (12 July 2007):

JessAgonyAunt agony auntHey, if ur wife doesn't want to do this then that's her choice, she obviously doesn't feel confident naked infront of other people, maybe there's a bit of jealously there? I think you should just stay as you are and be more adventurous towards each other?

GOOD LUCK

jess xxxx

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