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I want to stop being gay because it is destroying my life!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Gay relationships, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 May 2007) 46 Answers - (Newest, 8 September 2010)
A male United States age 26-29, *ufb writes:

Alright i need a lot of help here. I want to try to get over my gay tendencies and stop thinking about guys. Being a gay guy has just destroyed my life, it has completely left me empty inside. I can't find friends like me because to tell you the truth all the gay guys i meet are feminine, and that bothers me soooo much. Im a masculine guy and if i could meet another good looking guy who was gay too i would be happy, but it seems like there just isn't any good looking gay guys out there. I mean im completely depressed about the whole situation. Not to mention the good looking guys i do meet and become friends w/ are all straight and either have a girlfriend or are married (but none over 26 yrs old).. thats the cut off line for me. and some of the guys im talking about make me think that they might be gay and i know that they are hanging w/ other guys who i know are, but my buds, one in particular blatantly denies that he hangs out w/ the guy. hes married and has a kid, and says hes really my friend, but yet denies the fact that he spends time w/ the other dude. its made me so miserable that i can't think straight any more. why won't he tell me the truth. like i said he told me before that he doesn't hang out w/ the dude, and the time he did it was only because they were doing drugs and he got some pot for free from him, thats the only reason he did hang out w/ him after work. sounds kinda odd to me. im not innocent in all this cause for a long time me and my bud smoked pot all the time, every break at work, on the weekends and after work sometime. Why does it bother me though that he hangs out w/ this other dude and why do i think that he really has some gay relationship w/ him? a little background, my friend who well call "keith" is married is 26 yrs old, has a daughter, is very religious, says hes the farthest thing from gay ill ever know, but yet has absolutely no problem w/ me being bisexual,and ive already told him that im in love w/ him, but it hasn't affected our friendship at all, in fact he says hes gonna try to help me overcome my problems as much as he can, yet,he is very secretive about some things. I wanna beleive that hes straight so i don't get my heart broken. does it sound like hes straight to you guys?

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A male reader, heartfullalove Ireland + , writes (8 September 2010):

heartfullalove agony auntWhy on earth anyone would want to be 'saved' from having dynamite sex with gorgeous smokin-hot men, I have no idea.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010):

I turned my life over to Christ a year ago and i was able to get rid of alcoholism, cocaine addiction, sex addiction, porno ect... including homosexuality, but it sometimes creeps up when i least expect it. I will find myself unconsciously lusting after some attractive guy and i will wonder, where did that come from. I am still praying for total deliverance.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010):

I really feel for those of you that have posted and are longing to be free from homosexual tendencies and desires. Many of you have spoken of prayer which indeed is the answer to ridding one's self from being gay. Some have expressed that it is working and others say it is not and for those that say prayer is not working for them I believe it is because God is not hearing your prayers. Before there is deliverance there must be repentance!! One seeking freedom from being gay must confess ALL committed sins and ask Jesus to come into their hearts and believe on him as Lord and Savior He will forgive you and save your soul. Once Jesus' atoning blood has been applied to your life you are saved and are then free to ask God to remove homosexuality from your life and he will. I used to be a major pothead and there was nothing I could do to stop. I went to jail for it and still couldn't stop I was so bound and helpless in my miserable condition and Jesus saved me and not only did I stop getting high, but the very though of it now makes me sick to my stomach. I used to steal, lie, watch porn, have illicit sex and God has delivered me from all of those things and more. God is ALL POWERFUL and there is NOTHING that he can't do HE wants to HELP you so please ask. I am praying for you!!! I am not sure where you all live, but look up a Church of God in your area someone there will be able to help you through council you and pray with you. God Bless You!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010):

WOW! And I thought I was the only one who had these problems! To be honest it is actually encouraging to see that I am not alone in this mess! You see the thing about being Gay is that it is a choice.... Now before you start saying: "Well I didn't suddenly start making the CHOICE to be attracted to men!" Let me tell you that it IS 100% your choice to CONTINUE to entertain those thoughts and dwell on them and to look at Gay porn or flirt with guys. THAT my friend IS a choice! I grew up in Christian family, which is why I was so shocked when I realized that I was VERY attracted to guys. However even though I have spent almost four years battling this with VERY little progress I am still determined to continue fighting or bloody well die trying!!!!! My only advice to you is keep praying, and if you don't then... START!!! I can not tell you how important it is to always have God on the front of your mind!And remember that we are in this TOGETHER and if you need someone to talk to here is my Email address (now I am posting this with the assumption that we are ALL good people and would not like to hurt one another!!!!!) it is [email address blocked]

PS: I'll be praying for you!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010):

After having read all of these posts i think that it is evident that alot of the problems people are speaking about revolve around the whole idea of others making assumptions about what gay people are supposed to be about. I too really dislike the effeminate way that some gay men act - i think that it encourages the whole idea of being gay as a massive taboo. I think that if more men were to pronounce themselves as gay - more men who were not so effeminate - then people may understand it alot better - the idea of finding men - as a man - sexually attractive when acting feminine doesnt seem to ring true - if men are attracted to men then shouldnt it be men that they are looking for? not a woman in a mans body? And i completely understand that, but being gay is so very far from being gender-confused. The media potrays gay men all in the same way and it is truly rediculous! Stereotyping should surely be a thing of the past - its very disconcerting that even now people use a persons own feelings to provide a media circus - i.e. why the hell make Will from Will & Grace a feminine hopeless picture child for gay men when he isnt even gay? i dont know about you but the majority of gay men ive met are the same as everyone else - same problems, day in day out - its hearbreaking that people are made to feel they need to be less, or more, gay in order to be accepted by some communities.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010):

hello...i am from a verious religious family and i am gay from my childhood...in starting everybody like the way i behave(fem.) bt day by day they wr start makin rumors abt me...then i stated being like straight but from inside am still gay..i hav lots of g.fs they never imagined that am into gays too...i am going to marry in coming month but dnt wanna change my mind regarding homosexualty..i was gay ...still gay...and willl be forever..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010):

(My firts language is nor English, please bear with my errors) I have tried....and denied... and tried some more... not to be atracted to guys. I blame nobody for my situation. Not sure if its genetics, borned this way or made myself. All I know is as days pass by, I am still atracted to guys. I know for experience that THE MOMENT you have your first sexual experience with a guy.....you are done for. It is like completing a seal or a bond or something... After that, it gets HARDER and HARDER to stop being atracted to guys and think about intimacy with them. So if you want to "stop" being gay, just don't have intimacy with any guy, keep yourself away from things that can make matters worst and keep praying to God to lend you His strengh. If you already had, then is up to you (just as it has always been)to either continue or keep fighting. I know is hard, I'm living it in my flesh, but it can be controlled.....don't know if cured......but can be controlled.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010):

You don't want to stop being gay, realizing one's sexuality is the most beautiful thing in the world. The day I realized I was bi it was like everything in the world got just a little brighter, except my relationship with my wife. Also I'm a masculine...well fairly masculine...guy into men who is over 26 and fairly attractive...if you are interested...lol, but I'm not into relationships...yuck. Try being yourself, experience who you are, and just let yourself be. Don't be so particular about who you are looking for either. For instance the people I "fall" for are not the people I"m looking for. My 2 most recent crushes are not what I was looking for and they are total heart breakers! I can't be with either of them for so many reasons. Oh well, emotions suck, but if you don't experience the bad one's you never get to feel the good one's.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010):

I used to be straight until my early 20s, then one day I fell for a girl, then I was gay for about 3 years before I married a man...just when I thought my life would finally be easy, my marriage fell apart and I went right back to dating girls. I am EXHAUSTED! I come from a very religious background and the guilt simply eats me inside. I wish I didn't have these tendencies, I wish everything would just stop. I just want a normal life. I have prayed for a change for so long. I am in a relationship with the most wonderful woman right now and I also feel guilty for hoping one day I can leave her, but the last thing I want to do is hurt her. I hope God listens to me and helps me have a normal life. Thank you for reading...I just needed to vent.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010):

(English is not my native language) I'm also gay and I feel sometimes so sad because of that. Sometimes I wish I could find somebody else outside to be my "boyfriend" but it's just because I feel really lonely and sad. I do like guys and though I did try to change, I have come to the conclusion that I won't change. It's a shame, because I would like to have a family with children and all that, but being gay it's going to be hard.

I wish things were different, but life is cruel and it doesn't matter how much I tried, it just didn't work.

Now I'm trying to learn how to cope. I'm trying to learn how to love myself. I'm also struggling to stop watching porn and jerking off. I think it just make things worse. However, it doesn't matter how ard I try, It's impossible for me not to find male's body attractive in a sexual way.

I'm no feminine, so I don't want to go out of the closet because people start to "tag" you and that would make me feel. I hope someday I'll find my peace. I really need it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009):

I think that it is possible to stop being gay, but it will involve a lot of effort. I know there are sessions you can go to for help, but it is ultimatly your decision. If you decide to do his you cannot stop. Keep giong; and it will work out in the end.

If you are not willng to accept the facts, and say "ok I'm gay and I want to stop" then give up. It will b hard, but I trust you will make it.

Good Luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009):

when i was only 9 i realised that i was maybe gay.

I soon found out that i was attracted to boys and girls, but i diden't want to be.

So i began to pray and i just became attracted to boys only.

Then i just ignored when someone talked about gays, and began to meditate, and forget that i was attracted to men, and it worked!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009):

I'm not gonna say that I know how you feel, because I only know part of the struggle you're having. You see, I live in the middle of nowhere. I've only met a few gay guys (that I know of), and they were all very feminine, but I wasn't attracted to them, so it was never an issue for me. I consider myself bi, but I don't know if there is an exact name for what I am. I am attracted to both men and women (mostly men though), however I have only ever fallen for women. This is part of my predicament.

I realized I was attracted to guys at a very young age, around 10 or so, but I've never gotten past hugging a guy (in an intimate situation). I was very strongly attracted to a straight guy in high school, and he knew how I felt, and we're still friends today, and anytime he sees me he runs and hugs me because we were very close friends, but it never got past friendship. Basically, I've never had experience with guys, or girls for that matter. This hasn't helped my situation at all, but I feel it's better for the outcome that I'm working through now.

I wanted to get rid of my gay tendencies and I'm still working on that. I've spent the past couple years trying to figure this out, and it hasn't gone very well. Recently I've been praying a lot and trying to hide myself from things that can influence me badly. As someone else said, it's like a drug. I don't think it's like a drug though, I think it IS a drug. It effects how I think and how I feel, so therefore, it would classify as a drug for me.

So back to the prayer thing: I've been praying to God, telling Him how I needed help getting over these feelings, and although I still find guys attractive, I rarely think about doing things with them, and I've been finding girls slightly more attractive. I know this isn't scientific, and it's hard to understand, but it really has helped me, and it's continuing to help me, and I hope you find this helpful and that it works for whoever reads this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009):

Hi im anisa

lsiten you arent gay nobody is 100 perecnt gay

what you have to do is go somewhere free from people and try to understand why god created adam and eve and not adam and steve ok.....being gay in my belief is formed as a rebellious act or something which happened in your childhood...i dont hate gay people....theyre not killing anyone or taking drugs so but still after being gay what else is next a reduction of people fine people can love who they want but inside deeep inside we do love the opposite gender and if we start having thoughts we have ti fight it coz people (this is far worse obviously but try to understand) start to like a drug they cant stop its their life choice itll be bad in the long term on humanity .

after loving your same gender than people will think wee that means i can love whoever i want itll turn into love for your mum (yes the sick kind) or dad and then animals....the world will ahve uncontrolobale lust and it wont stop this is a chain

i dont hat egay people i dont preache to them but i wanna help u coz u asked , i ahte nobody but inside its hard to explain but its wrong we all know it thats y we feel it in the beginning for people who become gay humans have instincts from god...hate crime is wrong its like hating someone coz they smoke they cant help it well unless they put it in your face and stuff then yea u can dislike them

i dont mind being friends with gay ppl but i know in my heart and everyone will know in theres

u can dod it ppl might think what are u doing im close minded im ignorant...well then any1 is close minded it depends on the person whos calling u close mindeds boundary a prostitute can say i can do it with multiple gays its my choice i like it like this your clos eminded its a good way to mek money balblabla

theres a boundary trust me this world is a test......

contact me on [email address blocked]

hey just think about it aint forcin i aint hatin on u and trust m eim reaaaly open minded but theres somethin about this

fyi:u dont care bout ppl being gay but i know in the long itll develop into something worse its how we human are we use and abuse

im just truna stop the fuel ad i just care if my family memeber becomes gay or somethin because theres a boundary howver i wont hat eon him i wont force him ill help him like we all do to troubled convicts blablabla

again exagerating the examples so u get a clear image

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A male reader, J6 United States +, writes (28 October 2009):

I have to say that i completley understand the 1st post. Im 18 years old and i have just started college. Its a weird feeling for me becuase I have completley isolated myself from everyone. I cant be friends with gay guys becuase they are all to feminine. thats cool but its just not my style. Im not some super buff jock either though. But im nowhere near feminine. Im just myself. I just cant connect with anybody every girl i try to befreind wants to go out with me. Not saying im the best looking guy in the world but its true the girls I want to be friends with allwaya want me. I try to keep my secret so I distance myself from everyone. Its hard being isolated and all by yourself. When girls keep throwing themselves at you and get no responce they get suspicious. I have had a crush or twwo though. The guy i liked in highschool had a pretend girlfreind and wanted to secretly go out with me on the side. I completley understood why he had a pretend girlfreind. I wasnt really upset becuase I truly do understand why he would want to mask his secret. The problem was the girl had no clue and she was really in love with him. So he would bring her to my face and kiss her and evrything just to upset me. Even though I started to dislike him I would never tell his secret becuase thats the worst thing you could ever to to somebody. I would never do that. So I just got over him sadly. Its hard to find somebody you like. Most gay guys I would be interested in are the ones who wont come out. Those type of guys generally send me signals with their eyes to let me know they like me. Only twice in highschool have I misinterpreted these glances. That can lead to a lot of trouble so I stopped trying to figure out if a guy likes me by his eyes. I have just been alone for a while and wish I had somone I could talk to. I used to wake up everyday and wish I was dead. Sometimes when I was laying down in bed trying to sleep at night and just thought to myself why cant it just be over. Like what is the point to life if I will always be sad u know. I felt like even god condems what I am so like why cant I just vanish. Then I wondered why would god condemn me for something I have no control over. This being my 1st year in college has inspired me. Sure im still in the closet for now. My sociology professor said something to me that mad me realize that I am not cursed im special. I stopped believing in god. Why would I believe in somebody who condemns me. I decided to try and be a good person all on my own. Anyways for everyone reading, my teacher was discussing homosexuality as a class topic and she said something that really got to me. She said that people who are gay have both masculine and feminine qualities even if they dont realize it. So i have the muscle and strenth of a man yet the kind and nurturing sensitivity that only a woman can have. Some jerk in the back of the class sarcastically said cool. Then I thought to myself that in reality you know what it reallyt is actually kind of cool. Its not a curse it just makes me different. So i havent come out of the closet yet im not an obvious gay so nobody really suspects me even my roomates. So you live life and you get one shot. being gay can be a curse or something really special if you let it. Im not sure what to do. Sure there are still days where I wish I was dead spmetimes, ive even played with the thought of suicide latley. the sadness associated with being gay is rough. My parents dont know. I feel like Ive shamed and discraced my whole family. My family hates gays. I just feel like a worthless dissapointment all the time. So i keep myself occupied being on the track team or playin soccer. I try to just live each day step by step trying not to think about it. I just wish there was somone going through the same thing I could talk to. Im not the type of gay guy who forces himself to be with a woman to conceal his identity its not fair to me or the girl who thinks i really like her. So im always alone and to myslef. Im only 18 and thats no way to live life but im at a standstill and im not quite sure what to do. So to evryone out their I know a lot of people hate and condemn us but just never give up. we know we cant stop being gay so i think we should try to stop letting it bring us down. I really gotta try that. its just eats away at me all the tine

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009):

why dont you just come out the closet? That way all those so called straight guys(friends) will know and feel more comfortable approaching you with their feeling they have for you. People nowadays arent as discriminatory as you may think towards gays. If they are mature adults they'll accept you, most of the time anyways. so dont hate your life. remember, you only live once gay or straight. cheer up dude

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009):

I want to stop being gay as well. i'm not out and i never want to be. I hate it.

I've hopelessly been crushing on my straight best friend for over 6 months and i don't want to be anymore.

He's very inspirational to me in his confidence and his life energy and i aspire to be more like him. I don't want this ridiculous crush thing between us. I want him to be straight, i want to be straight. Simple.

I value the brotherly bond we have much more than the possibility of a gay relationship with him.

It's just such a cliched situation - i can't stop thinking about him, dreaming about him, fantasizing and all that crap. It makes me sick to my stomach. Hate being gay.

Maybe i'm just weak. I believe that people are born with their sexual preferences but that they can change.

I don't want to be attracted to him or any other men anymore. It burns me inside everytime my heart aches from thinking about my best friend in a sexual way.

Hopelessly hopefull

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009):

Hi, First i would say life is not like hollywood or the movies. a perfect non-fem availalbe non-weird non-drama guy might be out there and he may make you happy for the rest of ur life, but the probability is pretty slim. So really try to consider that it may never happen (the same way some ppl never get married or find a good mate).

Secondly if you want to stop being gay, do like i did, stop fantasizing about gay scenes with ppl, dont look at gay porn (or porn all together), minimize associating with gay friends (dont keep regular company with them), find something to distract you or keep you busy like a hobby. finally love yourself, and reward urself for progress towards the numbing of those gay feelings. good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009):

Being gay doesnt destroy you life , only if you want it to because you control your own destiny

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009):

well at first when i was 13 i thought i was gay and even attracted to men but then there was this girl, she changed my life, i am married with her and have two beautiful kids and im not attracted to men now.

my answer is there will always be a person out there who you will love even if your gay there is chance when you meet this person your sexual appeal will change. so good luck with finding your soul mate

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A male reader, konjon. United States +, writes (9 July 2008):

I too had the same problem. More hating how other gay guys set the stereo type for us. So I wanted to dissociate myself from the lifestyle all together. It was empty and other gay guys had each other and I felt like the in-between that nobody liked, which I'm well aware isn't true. First off, get yourself out of these situations. If he's lying to you about the other dude then who cares? You deserve a friend who will tell you the truth. And the guy you like, if you don't want to be gay then they guy your in love with can't help you stop cuz your too focused on him. Get a female friend to help. Also it might be a good idea to find another guy in the same situation and help each other when you struggle. Make it someone you can trust and will hold you accountable. And lastly, even if you don't believe in God, just pray that if he is there and if he honestly cares that he will help you out this. Because He is real. He helped me. And its a long struggle to stop, but so worth it. I hope this helps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008):

Everyone said that acept yourself, but is not easy when your family, and friends made fan of people that are gays and called them names...and olso different cultures,in some countries being gay is the end of the world, in some cases they even kill you!most of gay people are very unhappy and very depressed...my husband hates gay people and he has heart problems you think he would understand that his son is gay?..he would die the same day....his always been a excellent father but he doesn't understand this things..his is the only boy in the family! I'm very sad, because and between two love! i'm devasted we this situation.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008):

I was bi and i have a solution for our problem. It is everything in your head. don't think constantly about that problem. Stop being with gay people. find a female friend and you will see that thy are better persons then male. I have done it and i have made me straight.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008):

Well, it all started when i was 14, i noticed i really liked guys, then i fought myself over the years trying to convince myself i was eterosexual. I landed on the university psycology office because i went into a deep depression and i could not take classes. I cried and cried and asked god why me but i never got out of depression till i finally told my mom I liked men, i lied and told her i was bisexual. I accepted myself but yet i needed proof i was gay or bisexual so i tried to have sex with a virgin woman that wanted to be my girlfriend. The bad news is that even when i tried all i could to have an erection i actually made her mentally unstable. She told me she started reading books about erectile disfunction, and some other stuff i do not wanna write about. What i learned is that try to stop feeling the way you do about other men will send you in the depression land and is most likely you will make someone else unhappy if you try to be something you are not. Be happy!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008):

this guy that is saying hes as far away from gayness as u can imagine, he is in complete denial. Alot of straight guys myself included fear being touched up by a gay man (as pathetic as it sounds its true) so if this guy doesnt mind that ur gay and you fancy him then he is confused about his own sexuality and needs guidance or he knows hes gay but he cannot be as comfortable with it as other gay people. I think you and him may end up a cupple as usually in a situation like this there is usually a drunken kiss or something that will led to him realising if he does or doesnt love you. My advice to you is keep your options open very wide he may be leading you on and lapping up the fact u love him or he could be in denial! Good luck mate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008):

Hi, I have a few gay cousins and even a cousin that is bisexual and i have no problems with any of it, in this day and age i think that to be prejudice against homosexuals and to discriminate them is just as bad as being a rascist or whatever. Infact I found this website when looking for a background to homosexuality as I am preparing an oral for my english GCSE so I want people to realise that no matter who we are attracted to it does not make us any less of a person and only the small minded guys and girls out there cant accept it. I live in one of the roughest parts of Belfast and even straight people here are accepting homosexuals so that has got to count for something! You dont need to stop being gay because even tho its not whats making u happy now, one day it will! God made us all in unique ways and I dont mean to sound like a Bible Basher but if hes chosen for you to be gay then thats they way u should accept yourself. Good luck with your future! Ps.) It sounds like that gay isnt straight but hes having a little trouble accepting who he has become through his sexuality, be patient with him as this could become something special. Ox

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008):

hey guys and girls.

yeah i know what you're talking about, I like to consider myself as bi, but I masturbate at the thought of guys and so I think I'm more gay than straight. It's litterally tearing me apart, I just wana to grow up being what is considered as "normal" and I want to have a massive family too. I just want to know how I can stop liking men. can I go to therapy sessions or something?! answers please.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

How did you discovered , that you are gay? I have a son, and I have feeling he might be, but I'm not sure. Do you think is it obvious? Are there always signs? If he is ,than he is someone who didn't come out from the closet.Do your parents know it? I have full respect for gay people, and I admire their strength to face society.

I think, I always wanted to understand how gayness happens to someone, but I still don't see the real answer. Is this genetic? Or its his something what happens to you?

I think its much better to be open abut it ,than hide it. I have a good friend and he is gay, but nobody really knows ,as he is a Christian and poor guy is very scared of the judgment.

AS much as I know, if you try repressing it is more damaging for you on the long run. Be, yourself. And don't be afraid. Good luck.

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A female reader, lil miss helper United Kingdom +, writes (26 January 2008):

i dont think u should be ashamed. Their is nothing wrong with gay people!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008):

here's a simple answer, it's really been in front of you so with further ado the answer (Jesus Christ) just keep praying he and (God) will help you!! good luck to all you poor guys out there.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008):

hey, we all seem to forget something here.Being Gay isn't right in all ramifications,including religion.I'm trying to stop being GAY and I have decided to try the last resort with a friend I used to know that goes by the name JESUS! Yes its not easy but I plan to take it a day at a time.I know I might fall into tempatation once in awhile but I plan to get right up and continue until He helps me get it all cleaned off my system. God works men.I suggest you try Him.

Cheers

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008):

mate i have had the same experience. I met this guy in a straight gym in Essex, England and i fell in love with him from day one. I got to chat with him, and asked him to be my gym buddy, which he agreed to. While we were in the jaccuzi, i noticed how he was staring in my eyes with real admiration, that gave me the courage and, Later on the mobile, i text him and told him that i was gay. He made it clear to me that he was 120% straight. Well he was willing to continue to be my gym buddy so i said phew! As two weeks passed i built up the courage to ask him if he wanted me to massage him and after another week he obliged. I massaged him in the view of others, but i felt uneasy so i stopped. I text him and asked him for us to do it somewhere more private, but he declined. When we met at the gym again, i massaged him again, but this time it was in the steam room and it was very sensuous. I was all over him. At one point he said that he hated his feet as i was massaging his firm legs. I was gonna go further as i was an inch away from his crotch and for some reason i did not. The next time i met him at the gym, again the massage went on and i was well determined to go all the way because on the phone he even text to say that he hung around gays. But to my surprize, as i was trying to get into his shorts, he held onto his crotch for his dear life and i never got further than that. He avoided me since then ,but still text to say we were gym buddies for five weeks until he just stopped returning my text. I wondered what i did wrong and cant come up with the answer. I also wondered how i could get back in touch with him, so i left an expensive New Year gift with a note at the receptionist for when he visit the gym again, hoping that will do the trick. I just hope it works.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008):

what?

grow up.

you're gay. so what?

deal with it...

seriously.

it's not that bad!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007):

I am in the same situation and it is actually my best friend/roommate that I am attracted to and it is killing me inside. And because of my religion and the super conservative school I go to I can't ever come out. I wish I could just make it go away.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007):

i also want to stop being gay. i can't stand it. I just want to have kids and be "normal"

so ashamed of myself.

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A male reader, Yovany United States +, writes (17 November 2007):

Hi man, Im in the same situation, sometimes i feel that I always feel in love of straight guys, the last one that i have still giving me a hard time, but u know what, no everybody is femm... try to look at for good friends, go out to gay clubs, not everybody is femn, also forget about everybody and just answer this question being gay is a choice? well i believe is not, you are gay and no matter what you try its part of your body, you were created it like that, Im 27 years old, sometimes i feel that i never going to find anyone for me, but u know what i found my self, Im happy and i dont care anymore if i find someone, i just want to be happy and expend time with people that care about me. Yes straights guys are hotting that gay, but why should we put our attention in people who do not care about us? think about you, you deserved something better.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

You are so in denial, my friend. If you feel that desire, then take it! Nothing and no-one can decide what or who you are. You are a beautiful human. You are what you feel and that is it. Follow your desires and be with whoever you feel you need to be with. It's VERY important that you don't relent on this issue. You will hate yourself if you go back. Being gay is only an aspect of being yourself. it is honoring your own identity and inner feelings. It makes us stronger to say we are what we are. then we have more leverage. You have only your life to live as you please, with love for those you love.

please be yourself and nothing but.

xxx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007):

You see we cant judge people 100% just by their response to the things we say and do to them, we might never tell if he is gay or not, i think its the best quality for him to not allow disturbance to your friendship, dont push it. I can actually see part of your problem, you indicisive, you want to stop being gay and remove your gay tendencies because its distroying your life, but here you are allowing yourself to be hold back by your feelings, you wont get any were because you are wasting too much of your time tryin to find out some particular detail about your 26yr old friend, which is if his gay or not. Just find an affair with a girl/woman,let her teach you your manhood, hopefully you might little by little cancel your gay side sticking to your life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007):

Man I totally understand what your going through. I had a friend just like that for a long time. I fell in love with him and he kept giving me mixed signals even though he told me blatenly that he was straight and that it wouldn't ever change. I completely understand how it feels. Especially now that I just got done watching Brokeback mountain for the first time. Made me incredibly sad because Im so sick of watching these extremely feminine guys walking around when I am not feminine at all. as for me, I stopped talking to my friend completely. Simply because guys like that aren't interested in falling in love or dating other guys. They just like the attention and the feeling they get from the fact that they must be so hot that even gay guys like them. It's a struggle and I don't personally believe that one wise quote or one epiphiny on this subject will ever be enough to fix or solve anything. But I hope that you have an easier time than I am.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007):

Im an 18 year old kid who wants to stop being gay and let me tell you, it's not easy. I want to stop with religous teachings. It helps too. I have a friend that I love dearly and it's hard to tell him that I like him in a sexual kind of way. He acts gay around me as a joke and it makes me go back to thinking i like him. Also same here, it's hard to find a good gay guy thats not girly. Also the more i think about me in a gay relationship, the more it makes me sick to my stomach. In that way i know that if i keep at it i will probably be the first one to stop being gay. Don't let your body make your decidsion. To me it seems that you don't want to be gay but your body right now is controlling your life and is making you feel bad. if you want to talk more here's my AIM (Jerodgenblue)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007):

Dear writer, I've found this page because I want to know the main motivators for gay people to desire heterosexuality. Your reasons, however, are not very common.

Just like someone said before, it is very unlikely that you will stop being gay and this comes from someone who tried to change into a heterosexual out of religious beliefs for over 10 years with no result at all...

At least in your case, I don´t see that you have that kind of issue, which is good. I think you should be patient... just think there is no guarantee that if the magical change occured you'd quickly find a woman to be with...

Keep in mind that it is hugely common that manly gay men are in the closet and they try not to give the slightest hint about their hidden sexual orientation... that is, not all gay men are effeminate, and this comes from a manly gay guy!

Now that I'm out of the closet, I've come to learn that there is a great deal of gay guys all around... where I work, where I study, even at church... more than I would have thought, and deffinitely more than I knew about before when I never spoke to anyone about my being gay...

In regards to the guy you write about, well, it seems to me you're in love with him or at least have a crush on him and you feel hurt becasue he doesn't show any love back... at least not in the way you wish it was... I know how you feel... Every human being, unless he lived totally isolated, is bound to experience that. Don't think you're the only one! In that case all that can be said is that you have to be patient, try to find things about him that you don't like so that that helps you cut off that crush you have on him (not that you have to stop being friends), and keep on the look for someone who would deffinitely like to be your partner...

there! I said it!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007):

I am finding this page because I too want to stop my gay tendencies...and realize when I read all your notes, that there are a lot of people who can and do feel relief in accepting. I am married with a great woman and have with 2 wonderful kids, when I have seldom encounters with men I never feel really happy and I never feel complete as when I am with my wife. I've never done drugs but I think this is somekind of drug because it is a false road but I just need to keep doing it. Regarding the first topic, I think your friend is not attracted to you, you should think again what you want and go for it....but if you feel not completely engage with the result...maybe is the wrong way..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007):

Ok, my friend, think about this:

It is really unlikely that you will get over your "gay" tendencies. So, rather than think small and stay safe and continue to be isolated where you are, you need to go to a place that has a community that will accept you and where you can find a partner. If you can't do that move all in one go, you need to start traveling to those places to test the water.

Basically, If you are attracted to other men, it is almost certain that you will be over the course of your lifetime (unless you lose your complete sexual drive). You might also be attracted to women but that still will leave your attraction to men unexpressed.

"Gay" men aren't fem. I am and have consistently taken for "straight" through my life. I am now approaching 46. I don't try to act straight, I just carry on being the person I am and have always been. I haven't had to change to fit in with the Gay world, neither do you. Gay guys come in all colours and flavours. You need to get out there an find someone who appreciates you for you.

If you are in love with your possibly straight friend, well that is just the same for anyone, straight or gay. Have you made the direct approach, if not do it but realise that the reason he hasn't made the move to hook up with you is either because he is A) not attracted to other men or B) he is but he is not attracted to you. Both would be a disappointment to you but that just frees you up to go find someone who is.

So, enjoy your life, don't torture yourself and realise, attraction to me is for life, not just for Christmas... :-) take care, be safe, enjoy!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007):

I don't think you want to stop being gay, you just want to find the right man for you (anyway you cannot just "get over" your gay tendencies).

Not all gay men are feminine and with more patience I am sure you will be able to find someone you like. Try looking in different places. I met my boyfriend on the internet so that is worth a try.

Don't go after married men! Whatever you have going on with this Keith seems to be destructive and just doing your head in. Try and forget about him and search for a man you like and can be with.

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A female reader, jtlt United Kingdom +, writes (25 May 2007):

you sound confused, you also sound as though you have feelings for your mate!

believe that hes straight, he may be flatered that you fancy him, but it sounds as though you need to sort your own head out before you think about a realationship

you said you cant meet any nice gay guys, perhaps you are focusing all of your energy on your mate and aren't really trying to meet someone new

you have been honest enough to tell your friend how you feel about him, now you need to focus on yourself and find out who you are and what you truly want

let your friend be just that, your friend, and accept its going to go no further with him, dont jeopardise your friendship by having other feelings for him

accept your sexuality and be happy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007):

I have lots of male freinds who i thought were gay becuase the way they interacted with other males, but they too said they werent and that its just their personality, perhaps this is whats goin on here, are you confusing his personality as being gay, is his behavior the same when he hangs out with woman and when he hangs out with males, pay specail attention to this?? And you cant be ashamed that your gay, you are what you are and i bet there are plenty of men out there for you, your just looking in the wrong places.

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