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I want to send my ex a 'hello' message but I don't want him to get the wrong idea

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 September 2011) 8 Answers - (Newest, 26 September 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, *hoawhoawhoa writes:

Hey, my ex and I broke up like 6 months ago. I told him that he had to let me go and I had to let go of him too, that we needed not to contact each other (he started seeing another girl, but still kinda would text me and reach out to me). I know he's happy and has moved on, but sometimes I think about him and want to send him a hello. Is this a dumb thing to do? Especially since I broke off the contact? What could I send that wouldn't lead to him thinking I'm trying to get him back? Or should I just forget it? we haven't spoken for months and I don't want him to think I'm a psycho or anything.

View related questions: broke up, my ex, text

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A female reader, whoawhoawhoa United States +, writes (26 September 2011):

whoawhoawhoa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for helping. It was good to read about people who have been in similar situations. I've decided not to text him no matter how much I want to , or miss him, or just want to say hello. Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate it :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011):

Sorry, I just assumed from your question that you had broken up with him. I still wouldn't text him. If you still have feelings for him it could make things harder. I don't even know you but I know that he's not good enough for you. I assume he's around the same age as you, so in his 20s, and he lets his friends tell him who he should and shouldn't be with. That is truly pathetic. That's the kind of thing a guy might do when he's 16 because he wants to be cool and fit in with his friends. At his age, yeah those friends might want him to date a certain girl, but they're not going to respect him for breaking up with another girl for that reason. That's not cool at all. So if you feel OK in yourself, don't contact him, don't let him know that you miss him. Let him regret his decision if, like you say, he loves you. He needs to learn a lesson from this. I've been in a similar situation and I did text the guy. No good came of it, we just went around in circles and I suffered more for it. There are reasons why you're not together. Focus on something else, for your sake.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (25 September 2011):

You miss him, and want to send him a hello but don't want to give him the wrong impression that you are trying to get him back? How about "Hey, I miss you and have really felt like saying hello. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I am not trying to get you back, but I do feel that I wanted to let you know I do miss you, for what it is worth."

Before you send it though, it is probably worth spending some time thinking about why you miss him, why you really want to contact him, and if there is anything you want from him. What do you hope to gain by contacting him? Do you want to be friends with him? Do you just feel its important to let him know that you are missing him?

If you are going to contact him, I wouldn't just say "hello", I would let him know why you are contacting him. Be clear and honest in your communication.

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A female reader, amazingk United States +, writes (25 September 2011):

amazingk agony auntHappy or not happy, he still made the choice to choose her over you. Let him live with his decision. By now he's probably thinking you're happily living life without him. He probably wonders about you occasionally, or perhaps more than just occasionally, and possibly with regret. Don't throw a wrench in all that by looking backwards, and proving that you're no better off now without him, than you were while you were with him.

Besides, he was too stand up for you and be with you despite the fact you didn't fit in with his friends. Who does that anyways, let's their friends dictate their love life??? He wasn't man enough for you, so let him live with the decision he's made. Stop worrying about him and how he's feeling and put that care and concern towards yourself. Just because we miss people, it's no indication that we should be in contact with them or allow them back into our lives.

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A female reader, whoawhoawhoa United States +, writes (25 September 2011):

whoawhoawhoa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He broke up with me. His friends wanted him to be with one of their free 3rd wheel girls, and I just didn't fit with them. So he broke up with me. And then would call me every 2-3 months (while with her), to say that he missed me, and he loved me, and he was confused, and sorry and didn't know what he was doing. Finally after the 3rd phone call I asked him to please forget about me and to delete my number. That I didn't want to be his back up plan. Or his just in case. Truth of the matter is, I feel like in his heart he really loves me, but is too afraid of his friends to stand up and say it. So, I told him that he couldn't call me anymore. But I do miss him. I know he is happy now (or he's at least convinced himself that he's happy with her), and so sometimes I want to just say hello. I kinda just don't know if it's dumb, or if I should forget it.

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A female reader, bebe87 United States +, writes (24 September 2011):

bebe87 agony auntI think that you are being pretty selfish (I am just being honest, sorry). You break up with him, tell him that you two can’t have any contact, and then when he moves on and is happy you want to “chime” in for no particular reason other than to say, “Hi” It’s not fair to him at all. If on the other hand you miss him and think that maybe you made a mistake of letting him go, well then you need to deal with that blunder. There is a reason you and him didn’t last, close that chapter and move on. Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011):

There must have been a good reason why you decided to cut contact with him. Part of the deal was that you let him go, so contacting him again would be unfair on him. I would leave him alone to get on with his life and get on with your own. Why exactly do you want to contact him? I know you say that you just want to say hello but do you secretly want to get back with him?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011):

Would he think you're a psycho for doing it? No, but he might rightfully think you're interested in opening communication with him and he might rightfully wonder why.

Are you interested in seeing him again?

Have you had thoughts about getting him back?

Then be honest with yourself and by all means contact him, feel him out, and directly ask him if he's interested in having a relationship with you...Do you want just friendship? Then ask him that too, admit you made a mistake asking for no contact and talk to him directly about how you feel...preferably in person.

If you aren't clear about what you want then don't bother. I think you need to ask yourself these bigger questions before you ask us what he might think.

I've received my share of hello messages. When I am over the person and don't want to have any relationship with them, I don't respond. When I respect the person (even if it the relationship didn't pan out) and want to stay on good terms, I do respond....

However,when I get a "hello" message from someone who hasn't talked to me in a long time and stated that they didn't wanted to communicate with me, I usually wonder what they want. And truthfully, often I don't respond to these sorts of "hello" messages because I find the tentativeness of it so irritating...it's like they are just testing to see how I react. It's a cowardly way for a person to ask an ex, "Would he/she still care enough to answer my 3 word text message?" This is why I hate texting...but I digress

Do you know what you want? I'd worry less about what he might think and more about what you want. That should inform your decision.

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