A
male
age
41-50,
Merchant
writes:Hi, I am married with a beautiful wife and 2 kids. Recently my wife has become much more demanding sexually, with us often making love 3 or 4 times a day. Although, you can imagine I am delighted with this, there is a fly in the ointment. She says that she wants to experiment with other men and would like to have sex with others, including friends. She says she is more than happy for me to do the same. But I am not that I want this. I know that she has already heavy petted with a colleague. I want to save my marriage, but don't want to lose her. What do I do? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2  + ♥, writes (11 June 2007):
 I think the two of you deserve each other. Your relationship is built on getting a false sense of self esteem and security based on others opinions and you manifest this in having random sex with strangers and so called friends. This is a drug, you are addicted to sex, it might as well be cocaine, you don't like yourself without it....how awful for you to need that crutch just to get through the days of your lives.
I am glad you feel better about yourself than you have in years, but my guess is you are going to crash and burn and hit bottom when you realize how empty your life has become...You do not know real love, and I am not sure you or your wife are capable of it....you sound like empty shells and I hope that you continue with your counseling and find out the reason for the hole in your souls....I am not happy about your solution of having sex to make your wife jealous, how immature, how old are the both of you anyway....I hope you did not expect a congratulatory atta boy from me at your lastest....you are on your own with this one.
A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (9 June 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell where do I start! Have long since come off the anti depressant which made me feel far worse. I have gone to counselling. This has been really useful. However, the real change has been within me. Suddenly, I have felt the need to take lovers. Already, I have had sex with one lady and another lady is next on the cards.
I have almost found it like an addiction. Never really thought of myself as good looking. But I know I love women and they like me. Really feel the need for women to tell me that I am a 'fantastic' lover, that I am an 'Amazing' kisser. It is almost like a drug. Feel addicted to the feeling of getting to know and love another. I am really shocked! Am I a male Slut!
All of this has been done under a backdrop of my wife knowing and even approving of my sexual relationships. So far she has done nothing, and seems even more interested now I am having sex elsewhere. Sex seems to be everywhere. I told my counsellor about it...she opened mouthed...But we talked about strong women, control, excitement, am I doing it for me or to make her jealous. The honest truth is that I feel fantastic about myself...for the first time in ages.
Now it is my wife who looks at the phone thinking what text I have received. She tuts when I go on the e-mail to chat to a whole phalanx of girls I am chatting up. But we are honest. She knows I went out yesterday to have...sex... But as she said I come back to her.
Would be interested to know what you all think. I know it sounds far fetched, even male fantasy, but this is the reality I am inhabiting. Suppose many men would think I am lucky...some friends have said…What is your secret? But the truth is I just love women.
Last thing to note...and I am not proud of it. Both the partners I am being amorous with are married. Feel the tut-tuts. I do think if their partners, but I know I make them happy. Is there anything wrong with that?
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (16 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice Rythmnandblues2. For the record, I agree. Glad to say that everything is looking much rosier. Me and my wife are getting on much better. We are also back to having an awful lot of sex. One shouldn't complain. She has decided that we should both work through a 'being assertive' workbook, with the prospect of more counselling.
At the moment, she has climbed down (so to speak) on the sex with others, although I suspect, that her hormones still have not ruled it out. At present, though there is a calm peace for the better, as we get use to our new roles. We are beginning to talk more, broaching issues about the sex and other area we both need to address.
Nonetheless, I thank this website for offering me a sounding board. And for all the untrained observations, It has helped me get things in perspective. For that I thank you all.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (12 May 2007):
Dear Merchant,
Although your journal here of your marriage is interesting in a vouyeristic way, my recommendation and sincere hope for you is that you will stop writing here for support for your views on what is happening in your relationship and for advice from untrained although objective observing aunts.
Now that you two are in counseling, you need to focus on the work and the guidance of your therapist to get you through this rough patch in your marriage and to resolve your relationship issues. To go outside of that dynamic will surely keep you stuck as your writing clearly shows that you are just that, stuck.
If you need to unload your feelings as you do here on this site, instead, buy a beautiful journal and write them down daily, and as you get through this go back and re-read your thoughts and you will see how far that you have progressed in your thinking and in resolving your marriage problems.
Do not rely on the aunts to tell you what they think you should do, or to comment on your feelings, they are just that your feelings, they aren't facts, they are not reality, they are your perceptions about what is going on, and very valid because you feel them. We as aunts care and can help you with basic things, but cannot begin to dissect your marriage and give you positive constructive criticism that will help your therapy, at this point we are merely interfering with that if we continue to advise you while you are in counseling.
So, please stick with it, protect what you say there from the outsiders in this situation (family, friends, agony aunts) and do the work there that you are there to do. It won't be easy, but it will help change you and change your life for the better.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet + ♥, writes (12 May 2007):
 I am glad to hear about the positive things that came out of the counciling session. It sounds like you two are connecting a little better. Yes, jobs take us away from loved ones quite a bit. We cant all be lucky enough to work from home or only part time. Most people have to work a full 40 or more work week, and most dont get summers off as a teacher does. I think her expectations in that way may be unrealistic.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (10 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome positives to feed back. For the first time since all this has blown up, we made love. She was understandably anxious about it. As previously I had not been able to perform on a few occasions for the first time in our marriage. Fortunately, it was very pleasurable for both of us. Hope this marks the start of the end of what we have been going through, but understand that one swallow does not make a summer.
As for my job, she thinks I am a 'perfectionist, workaholic', who spends too much preparing my teaching to the exclusion of her, the kids and my personal friendships. At present I am authoring some educational textbooks, but still have to go into school for two days a week for the money. £200pd. However, even this is not good enough, as she believes that I agreed just to give up my job in April. However, have to realistic although her web design company is doing ok, it not giving us enough money to survive.
Just wondering about jobs etc. I always say to her that the reality is that jobs tend to get in the way of relationships and teaching is no different from other occupations. Indeed, one of the real benefits of teaching is that it has given me quality time with my kids during holidays. Think this is why she believes that the kids have done better out of it than her!!
Yes, I admit I work hard, that I am conscientious, and have attempted to achieve promotion (until recently was Head of Sixth Form), but think that this is not so bad. My salary has been useful and it has also allowed her to have a career too.
Still think that she wants to control me rather too much, and I should not feel guilty over my job. Also believe that me giving up teaching (although I have a great opportunity, created by me) to write books, sums up the situation.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet + ♥, writes (9 May 2007):
What did the councelor have to say? And you still have never made it clear how your job as a teacher causes her to be neglected. Does she not want you to work at all? How will you get by then? You mentioned in a previous post how you had to work 2 days a week because you had no money. And she thinks this is too much? I just think I am missing something here.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (9 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWent to counselling on Tuesday. In England, you go initially for an initial appointment. This then leads to the prospect of more meetings. Nonetheless, you get 50 minutes to start off with.
Was disappointed with meeting. My wife claims to see no problems with our marriage and my insistence that there is a problem - problematic.
She wants to see the control issue, as one of my own making. She is hurt that I feel it, but believes it to be in 'my own head' and from 'issues that you have'.
Furthermore, the 'trust' issue cropped up. She believes that just because nothing has happened, that trust cannot be an issue. However, as I reminded her, although I trust her, it does not stop her believing that she would like to experiment with other partners. Although, she now comments that although she might have wanted to do this in the past, the difference between fantasy and reality has cut in.
I just feel very confused. Hurt and insistent that my view of her has changed forever. Wonder if this is an over reaction- do I need to take a reality check?
Want my relationship to work, with kids etc, but wonder if everything can ever be the same. Told her that 'when she clicks her fingers - I come running! She not keen on this analogy, seeing my job as a source of 'neglect'. Think we need to further pare our feelings to see what is going on.
What do you people think?
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A
female
reader, deejuliet + ♥, writes (8 May 2007):
Good luck on your counceling today! I sure hope it goes well! Having an outside, unbiased, professional look at the situation will be very helpfull, I think. Sometimes you need someone outside the situation to clue you into what is happening and a councelor is a great way to get some much needed input. Please keep us posted!
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (8 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe go to counselling today, so last night told her that I have a big problem with her controlling me. She was shocked, and I commented that at the moment I cannot promise that counselling will solve this issue. I may have to leave the marriage. Can a leopard change its spots etc?
However, resolved to give it my best shot, and for her to think about her role in this situation. Explained that the 'swinging' element had crystallised how controlled I felt. And it had made me literally and metaphorically impotent. Need for my own sanity to escape this and work on my self-belief and confidence. Clearly, the last 3 weeks have not provided much of this.
Feel much more in control, not taking anti-depressants. However, we are both anxious about today. I will feedback what is said in the counselling. It will be interesting to see how she justifies her behaviour. I really think that she thinks I will be her doormat for the rest of my days. Well I won't!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): I don't think it is the case that you are controlling your wife. She is quite surely controlling you. She is also making your child confront issues by prepping him/her (sorry can not recall whether is a son or daughter)about things which he/she is not equipped to deal with, in order to smoot the way for herself.
I find it all selfish in the extreme and it may mess him or her up. I do believe that true intimacy is a thing which has to be worked upon, I think at its best it is a very personal experience. Lust is another thing entirely. Whatever you learn through all this I hope is worth it. When I read some of the replies that you have I wonder about people. I was once told by my psychologist that whatever two people consent to, and she meant truly consent to, is fine. I think it is, what has worried me most about your notes is that I am not sure you consent, whether you have been weighing this up, or persuading yourself. I know you are not happy with your wife for this situation, perhaps if you go along with it you may find someone you prefer. That will be fine, maybe this is what it is supposed to do for you. Perhaps the friend is setting this up because she really likes you - who knows.
At the end of it I hope that you are happy, emotionally fulfilled, not bitter, that your trust in people and yourself does not get damaged, that you do not spend too much emotional currency for nothing.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (5 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure it will work with us. However, I am prepared to have an open mind. May be I need to learn to let go and trust her. Just wonder what it would say about our relationship? How she will cope just 'having sex' and how I will cope 'just fucking'?
I really thought that sex was more spiritual that that. But perhaps that is just a social construct. Does it matter? Are we primeval? Interesting to note the difference between males and females here. In many ways males are conditioned to just have as much sex as possible. It is more in the female’s interest to limit partners. But there is no doubting that society is changing, and that women want out of this patriarchy.
I still have a 'fuck buddy' session booked for next Saturday, so I am going to have to decide whether to take the plunge or 'put my foot down'. If I go ahead, I am not in a position to take the moral high ground, am I. Could be a liberating experience or could open up a can of worms that could destroy us. Decision….decisions. Interesting to note that my wife’s friend has been instrumental in arranging this session.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): We are in tehsame boat, 3 kids and she really would like to go out. She has yet to find a FB, but about 7 years ago we had a play mate who was good for both of us. Right now becuase I do love her and want her to have nad feel what she needs for her to be out gett'n some strange is fine by my and us.
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (4 May 2007):
 Yip councelling is the way to go.Good luck
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (4 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat is the point of being moody? No, I just get on with it. As I have already said, sex or the lack of it is certainly not the issue here. Although more recently the sex has dried up, before that it was almost constant. Too much. However, I am not childish about it. I try not to control and not be over bearing. As for the purse strings, throughout our marriage it has alternated (who earns the most). We nevertheless, have a joint account and share everything equally. So no one is in control. We think that this works out the best. Have arranged to go to counselling on Tuesday, and as she said to me, she wants to get through this, just as I helped her get through life when she was depressed. We have too much love to give each other to give up now.
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (4 May 2007):
I can't say how you control, maybe you don't see it as control. You need feedback from your wife.
"Sex is an example of this. Everything plays to her tune. She wants it, she gets it. I want it, I don't even bother asking”. So what happens when you don't get your way, do you through a strop or are you moody? What vibes is the under current. Its like when you are a child, and you did something your parents disapproved of ,they gave you a look or you felt a vibe ,you as the child felt you could never please them.
You probably also feel resentment always giving and she taking .And like you said you are not perfect. The two of you need to talk about this relationship, what you want out of it. Like I said the games need to stop. She needs to understand that what she is doing is playing with fire. Out of interest who controls the purse strings?
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (4 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure how I control her? She does what she wants all the time. Sex is an example of this. Everything plays to her tune. She wants it, she gets it. I want it, I don't even bother asking. However, I am not perfect. She has resentment issues I am sure, just like all partners. However, is this fair way for her to get her pound of flesh? Does she really want to destroy me?
My main crime is having a career. I suppose this is controlling? Yes I work hard, but that is what you have to do to get on. I know I have neglected her, and yes I suppose it was for money, power and vanity. Nonetheless, it did provide assistance to her. It was me that looked after the kids when she had her highly paid career.
She doesn't want to know, thinks that I should just concentrate 'on getting better'. I just want her to tell me what it is I have done? She won't though. Getting desperate.
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (4 May 2007):
Yes I agree control breeds resentment and jealousy, but it also brings rise to a rebellious impulse in our hearts whenever we are being controlled. Like I explained she is trying to justify what she is doing not controlling you .She wants to shag this client, he is pulling all the right strings and she probably does not even feel guilty. She has even given your friend permission to shag you. Her thinking might be that if I do it and he does it ,we are equal and that won’t make it feel so bad. But what she does not realise is the sun comes up tomorrow and nothing will have changed, things will be worse. For example lets use me as one, my father was very strict when I was 17yrs old at the time I did not understand why he was like that ,but do now, anyway I had an older boyfriend (24) and whenever we went on a date I had to be in at 10pm.The movies did not finish till 10h15….yeah!!! Bygones. What that said to me was he did not trust me.I once went to a party and at 9h30pm I phoned to say we still had to barbeque could I stay a little later he said no you are know the rules.I became rebellious because of his control. I suppose you need to ask yourself what are your motivations for that control.
Many relationships proceed on this basis. In the name of love one person assumes power and the other gives it away. Instead of being drawn closer , the couple discover that they feel increasingly distant, for the one with the power becomes increasingly domineering, while the one without the power feels resentment and eventually rebels.
Like I said this shagging the client(friend) is the catalyst to what is behind the scenes.
Look its nothing to be ashamed of I use to control my husband, it’s a long story, because my fear drove him straight into the arms of another .Oh I know it was not just my fault, there were plenty of problems .You on the other hand are lucky because you have a chance to sort things out before it gets to the shagging part. I learnt a lot from that experience one of them being control is not the solution to fear.My fears were a projection from my past,I relised that my fears have already occurred .Now I love with no expectations.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (4 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA bit non-plussed by this post. Naturally enough, I don't think I am the controlling one. We all try to control at sometimes in our life, but everyone knows that control just does not work. It breeds resentment and jealousy. In my circumstance, I believe I am being controlled. I am being told what to do and not surprisingly I don't like it. Of course, there are reasons for this. I am sure that sometimes I am controlling. Not sure that my wife would actually say this though! I will ask her. However, I take your point. Every partner must try to ensure that they don't control. It is just human nature. My wife works at home, has a horse, indeed, has much that allows her to be her. she has close relationships with her relatives, we moved up here to make sure that was the case. Nevertheless, think it might be an issue. So it is a well observed point. However, it is never that easy. Do you not think she is controlling?
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (4 May 2007):
I read your last post last night and when I woke up this morning it all made sense, what is really going on. This is obstacle is not going to go away, you are not going to be able to go around it or cover it up ,you are going to have to go through it and dissect everything.
What I see are two people who love each other (gasp!!!)But have built layers around themselves, very much like an onion……. [god how do I explain this]
Lets start with you ………..Your problem under all the layers of the onion is ,the FEAR of abandonment., why I say this is this problem steams from a long time ago when your Dad died and your Mum does not speak to you. Okay! lets get to the present, This fear is in the back of your mind always ,it has become an unfaced problem. Might I just add that it does not make you a bad person or a weak one, yet to cover up your fear you resort to control, why I say this is, when you said “she has even gone as far as telling MY son(15)”,the my is a possession, why did you not say our? When a person is trying to control another in a relationship, he usually doesn’t admit what is going on, instead his motivations are made to look like love.. Now all of a sudden you are loosing control and your fear is now becoming a reality.
What has your control done to your wife? Well she feels resentment and is now rebelling. Its just unfortunate it had to take the catalyst (the client) for all this to blow up in your face. He(the client) sees her as the person without the labels (your wife, mother and the person who can’t live up to your expectations.) You see Merchant control is not the solution of fear.
Talk to your wife tell her about your fear and control and that you realise how its made her feel and will go to see a someone who will get you help and not to pursue the client because there is a bigger picture.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (3 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I explained before at the moment she has done nothing but heavy pet with a customer(friend) who she is writing a website for. However, she has made it plain that she would like to and she would like me to have sex with other women. (‘If it makes me happy'). She has even gone as far as telling my son (15) that she wants to have sex with others, but 'she still loves daddy'. I do really believe that she loves me, but clearly there are some very contradictory messages being sent out here.
The other issue is if I say to her 'I don't want you to sleep with anyone' in essence I am almost encouraging her to do so. As she explained to me, if I am being accused of it by you, I might as well do it anyway. She also complains that 'she is going to lose her friend because of me'.
Another factor is the anti depressants. She took these during post natal depression, and remembers that I was less than sympathetic with her plight. I suppose, this is true, but it is always difficult to have a partner who is unwell, and a young baby to cope with.
As to standing up to her. It is difficult. I don't want to put my kids through what I went through when my parents divorced. I do love her, and despite everything I think that she loves me. Although, she did comment that 'I wasn't very lovable at the moment'.
I hope that counselling will help us, but I am aware that she is manipulative, and will somehow make herself seem the saint in this situation. She also wants to make out that my illness is making me unreasonable, and deluded. For example, she believes that it was only after I agreed to her being able to 'swing' that she phoned around her friends offering them sex. I believe that came first and then she told me. However, in essence, does it matter? The mere fact she wanted to do that in the first place indicates problems.
As for allies, I have to admit, I have not got many. My job has dominated my life to the exclusion of anything beyond friends at work. The only other friend has been put off by my wife indicating that she would like me to sleep with her. So I don't suppose you can blame her! I have contacted her, and I hope she will talk to me. Think she might be an issue. She is only a friend, but my wife didn't like my relationship. However, it was only friendship as we just click. My Dad is dead, my mother doesn't speak to me, and no I'm all alone with this one.
As for my life now, yes it clearly is not perfect. However, between the fights I think I do love her. She said to me last night that 'we are soul mates'. Think she cares, but I am still all over the place. I am angry, for example, last night coming back from school. I have to go in two days a week to finish off the exam season because we have no money. I was annoyed that she was out with her horse, whilst I don't have any free time.
She very keen to get me back on anti depressants. May be they will help, but they are really only going to cover up the cracks in my life, they are no answer.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (2 May 2007):
I agree, you really need to be the man and put your foot down, tell her you won't take her cheating even if it is in front of you, tell her to think of her kids, she may not think her behavior affects them but it does....this is not the behavior of a good mother who wants to raise her kids to be self competent adults....if your kids found out she was sleeping around, it would confuse them and devestate them and shake up their very world, a lack of security for sure.
It is not great to raise kids in a loveless marriage, I don't think she knows how to love you or anyone else for that matter.....if you have to do so, pack up the kids and move out, you could prove she is an unfit mother, document everything, rally your allies and fight for your kids if your marriage has nothing left in it to fight for.
But until you stand up for who you are at the core, she will never respect you, and you will never know the depths she will go to stay in your life and marriage.
What is your other choice really, to live this miserable one-sided life? I think not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Take a break away from it. See how much better you feel without this and her. This is about power. Be careful you don't get addicted to this behaviour. I see you as behaving as a person in the weaker position, almost getting ready to take the pills, almost accepting her friend coming around to get to know you. It is as though she is forcing you bit by bit on a wierd and torturous, dominated, erotic journey. You seem to be getting weaker and weaker. I don't see you getting angry and I don't see you putting your foot down. I see you resisting and accepting, resisting and accepting. Slowly being pushed where she wants you. I hope you can get out of this, the only way you will is to take back your power, but I am not sure you really want to or can, because if you did, you would have already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Take a break away from it. See how much better you feel without this and her.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (2 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThink that you are right Rhythmandblues. Up at 5, because I cannot stand to be in the same room as her. She tossing and turning with anger with me, I can feel it. It's palpable. Beyond the texts what have I done to her apart from try to love her?
Feel alone, tearful and frightened. Sure she would say...'you are ill, take the tablets'. Well I might be, but she has to ask why I need to take them at all!
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (2 May 2007):
It is just more of the same bs....she is trying to get you used to the idea of swinging, by inviting her friend over for you to shag....what a pathetic woman......go to counselingn on your own if you have too. ...Maybe your therapist can help you let her go.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (1 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHad another row with her tonight. I used the word manipulative (she was not keen) on the phrase, but I stand by it. She reiterated that nothing was going to happen, and just because she might want it, it didn't mean it would. (If you get that!!), not sure that I did. Told her about the text's. Not surprisingly, she was mightily pissed off. Said that that it wouldn't happen again. Commented that she was more than welcome to see my e-mails, what she got to hide? Suppose that is not the point though. Trust needs to be trust. She is also not so sure about the timing off things. She cannot refute, that the swinging is her idea. And yes, she says she regrets telling me. She thought I might think of it as a good idea too. At first, I went along with it, but that was it really, I wasn't really happy. And then all the I want to sleep with friends bit. Although she believes that she set this up after me going along with it. Anyway, after our 'talk'. She has said she will go to couple counselling on the proviso that I go to counselling on my own if it is considered necessary. She still insistent that I go onto medication, although I am not keen, and think any depression is merely the result of all of this. Meanwhile, her 'friend' has been invited around to get to know me!! As I said to her if I had felt up one of her friends, would she like it if I invited her around!!And, her female friend has invited me to shag her, ultimately so my wife can justify her decision to sleep with him. You got all that...not sure I have either. HELP!!!
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (1 May 2007):
OMG!!this is like the frikkin Berlin wall,where the brick is not just a brick but means something intierly different.I think she is having a midlife crisis.It does not just happen to men you know.She needs that attention....that you Merchant can't give her.What I am trying to say is she wants to get it from other men.That e mail(naughty! naughty! on your part for snooping)is the perfect example.
What do you do???? Well ........time for her to decide if its you and all you stand for[I liked how Rhythmandblues2 described you "a decent human being, a loyal faithful husband, and a teacher and good father, and a husband."]or a life without you.
In other words call her bluff.Like you said the cat is out the bag.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (1 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the question18 years of marriage and two kids, one only four, suggests that we are not that toxic. I agree that the situation she is asking me to put up with is toxic and unfair. As I said in another post we are not possessions, but their needs to be trust. Obviously, I don't trust her, although at the moment, I think she has done nothing for me to not trust her. However, I suspect she will, as sex is at the moment like a drug to her.
As for decency, yes I think I want to be decent in this situation. May be it is mind games, but I don't want to hate her, and want to love her. The complexities of relationships are never as clear cut as you suggest though. Loyalty is fine, but it can be boring, and as for being faithful well it is a two way street. I have been faithful, but it doesn't make any difference to whether our relationship will fail or work.
At the moment, I am very skittish, I even find myself reading her e-mails and texts. Is this honest or decent? But I just cannot stop myself. I feel like I am betraying her! I know for example, that one friend is almost constantly pestering her for sex, so far she has resisted, but I feel she will not be able to resist. Do I tell him I know? I suspect that she has told him that I am happy with her having sex with her (however, I am not).
You must remember that you are missing her voice from this conversation. I hope I have not made her out to be all bad! Of course, if I didn't care, I would not be writing this at all! I want to love her not to let others love her instead. However, I really think that she believes she can have both, sex with me and with others.
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reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (1 May 2007):
Dear Merchant, you need to read your last post and dissect it line by line. You and this woman are toxic for each other....actually she is a toxic person, and you are a victim here if you chose to stay and put up with her behavior. Keira is wrong, I have read many of her posts and more often than not her advice makes me shudder with shame and trepidation at the way her mind ticks and hums, she is bordering on sociopathic ideology, go ahead, give me a poor rating for telling it like I see it.
Your wife falls into this mind trap as well, she really is sick and off track, she is not living a life that others would be envious of, it has nothing to do with Society. She does not respect other people's boundaries, she is clearly a sexual addict, if it were not for the sex, she would chose another drug of choice.
Chosing to go to therapy has nothing to do with your gender, it has everything to do with strength of character and admitting that you need some help to process what is happening to you and your reaction to it.
I feel certain that you will in time walk away from your marriage, there is nothing to salvage here in my opinion. Your wife needs to get help, and she won't as she thinks you need to "feel better" so that you all can proceed with a swinging lifestyle. Your reaction is not to feel better you are disgusted and depressed, it shows that you have character, and your gut won't let you accept this from her. Listen to it, you aren't so in love with her that you need to compromise your character, soul and morals. Love is not dependence, it is truly a choice, you have already made the choice to be a decent human being, a loyal faithful husband, and a teacher and good father, and a husband. If she choses to no longer honor the marital bond, then get out, as there is nothing left to do.
What amazes me is you think your job as a teacher has emotionally stunted you and has something to do with the quality of your relationship with her, obviously she has played so many mind games with you, that you are even doubting your choice of a career. I can't think of a job that is more important to society as that of teacher.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007): As time passes you will find your way. The final thing to say is that what she does will decide your relationship. If she tries to persuade you and goes ahead, I think your own feelings will guide you. They are all you have and all you need.
Your reaction towards her so far is a big indication. Why not just tell her that if this continues, although you do not want to at the moment, you will leave. I think this is a reasonable truth. Then wait see what happens. I hope she doesn't have a breakdown. Keep the diary.
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reader, Merchant +, writes (1 May 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe see's it as merely sex, nothing else. Why would she need to be counsselled about her sex drive, it's natural. Despite all my efforts I am clearly not able to satisfy these, she needs more sex and greater experience. This I think is a big issue, she hasn't had that much experience, beyond me, and she likes the sound of it. However, just because it sounds good doesn't necessarily make it without risk. At present I am flinching just at the prospect of her coming near me, let alone having sex. It feels like I've gone from the sublime to the ridiculous. Indeed, all this has had such an impact on me that for the first time, I was not able to perform as it were.
As I have told her, my trust and exclusivity with her has been destroyed. And she can protest as much as she wants about 'stopping all this' until 'your better', nothing is going to change this without some serious soul searching and yes therapy. Isn't it usually the woman who asks for therapy. It feels like a role reversal and how!
As for the manipulation, I am sure she would not believe that she is being manipulative, just assertive. Having said that hawking herself around to her friends without my knowledge is Ughhh. I shudder to think of what they must think of me! Yet, If she is telling me the truth, why should I feel bad about myself.
As an update on my situation, I have had a really bad reaction to the anti depressant I was on, so I have stopped it. I am not sure taking them is going to make me think clearly. I felt like I was in an echo chamber. The saddest thing about all of it is that my closest female friend, will barely talk to me (I would usually go and talk to her about all this) because, my wife wrote an e-mail suggesting that we should get together.
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reader, deejuliet + ♥, writes (30 April 2007):
I am very concerned by her saying she refuses to go to therapy because it is your problem, not hers. That right there tells me that it is indeed her problem, not yours. She claims it is your depression and your problem, yet I think she may have some serious issues that need to be addressed. Your marriage is suffering and that is definately her problem. You definately need to get into therapy and if she truly does love you and wants to make this work, then she will go with you. If not, then go yourself anyway, but I have my doubts if this can be saved all by yourself. To also claim that the need to swing is because of her hormones is baloney, especially if you are having sex with her so often. There are other, true reasons here for her desire to swing and until she faces them and confesses them you can not deal with the real issues. That she wants to have sex with other partners, but 'does not want to share your prowess' is unfair. If she gets some nooki, so do you! And she was finding partners before you even said it was ok! Urgh! So many problems with this whole situation. Many couples are able to swing and remain happy together. Many couples are able to have polyamorous relationships and remain happy together. I do not think this is one of those cases.But I dont think swinging or not is really the issue here. She is being manipulative and abusive. Been there, done that. I can write the book on it. I had a lot of the same problems with my ex husband. Notice I said EX.
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reader, Merchant +, writes (30 April 2007):
Merchant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReal difference between the views - some beseeching me to let her have her desires, whilst other posts seem certain that she is manipulating me in the extreme. Expect the answer is somewhere in the middle. Clearly, she wants to have her cake and eat it as it where. Most Human Beings do though. What I have to work out is whether I can cope with this behaviour and whether or not it will destroy me.
Given my present state of miind, I expect the latter. However, I don't think that she is necessarily not concern |
