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I want to regain his trust. But do you even think that's possible?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Teenage, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 June 2011) 7 Answers - (Newest, 12 June 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Okay so, I dated this guy named Joe from January to early March, our relationship was perfect until he started accusing me of doing things. He thought I told my best friend a secret about him. He also started saying I was lying about every little thing. He also kept saying our relationship was not important to him. After we broke up, we continued to "talk" and sometimes told people we were still together. We kept getting into really big random fights though. Alot of it revolved around facebook. He told me I was too social, and he didn't like my friends. So I stopped talking to a few people, even cutting off my best friend for a while. He kept telling me I talk too much, which is weird because I have a reputation for being quiet. Another time when we were fighting he told me nothing we ever did (sexually) together counts and it never happened. Still I continued to talk to him. Recently, his friend messaged me, and joked about him. I figured it was okay, since it was his friend. So I joked back. He somehow found out. I think he got on my facebook, which I had suspected him of doing for months because he knew all these things about me that were only mentioned in IMs. So, he cussed me out and said things like "God has finally showed me that my image is not safe with you" and "You fuck up everything, you are a fucking suck up. You better watch what the fuck you say" and "Tell all my friends I am going to murder every single one of them, behind my back is no more" It was really scary because he never curses and was threatening to kill people. He kept doing it for like two days. I can't begin to express the kinds of things he was saying...He calmed down a little bit and told me that we have trust issues because I am too easily influenced by my friends and he doesn't agree with things I do, like cursing. Which I stopped because of him. I felt bad for not defending him and cried and apologized for a week, but he decided he refuses to see me or any of his friends but two, for the rest of the summer and maybe more. I told him I missed him and he said "thats funny" I told him he was was mean and he said "oh well thats life". Somehow we started arguing and he called me a bitch and a cunt. So I stopped talking to him. Sometimes, a lot of people think he's crazy. When we first started going out, he said he "used" to be a sociopath. I want to fix our relationship, because I love him. I want to regain his trust. But do you even think that's possible? Everytime I tell him I love him, he won't say it back. But when I ask him to tell me he doesn't love me he won't say that either. And when I try to give up on us, he guilt trips me and calls me a quitter. PLEASE HELP

View related questions: best friend, broke up, facebook

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (12 June 2011):

N91 agony auntWhy on earth would you want to get back with this guy?

He has told you that he is going to murder your friends....you'd honestly feel safe with this guy?

Getting back together with him would be a terrible decision...you need to cut contact with him ASAP!

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (12 June 2011):

RedAthena agony auntNormally I would suggest you tell him you no longer wish to date him. This would be the most mature thing to do.

BUT

BECAUSE this boy made threats on YOU and your FRIENDS (which maybe be just shooting off his family in his insanity) TELL YOUR PARENTS WHAT IS GOING ON!!!

Have your parents witness or tell him you are not longer going to date him (your parents can even state they do not ALLOW you to!) and to not contact you.

Then delete every possible contact information and block him if necessary on email/phones.

Whenever you do not know what to do...go to a person in your life that you feel is wise and trustworthy for guidance and assistance.

If not your parents, talk to a school counselor.

Best Wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I actually agree with these answers...I just don't really know how to go about doing them

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A female reader, OldiesGyrl United States +, writes (9 June 2011):

The relationship is toxic and you know it is. There seem to be red flags waving in every direction. This dude has serious issues, and I think they may run even deeper than trust issues. And according to his comments toward you, and they're utterly disrespectful.

I've been through this and realized that my misery stemmed from my ex's controlling and demanding ways. Believe me, for as long as you continue to stay with him, his actions and words will be repetitive. It'll go on and on.

And as far as him changing his ways, it won't happen overnight. It may not even happen 2 years from now. But if you truly belive that you can do without his antics, then the alternative is to move on.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (9 June 2011):

RedAthena agony auntAs I was reading, I can sum him up in a few words...

paranoid

controlling

over critical

verbally abusive

WHAT DO YOU MISS???

You already have ENOUGH red flags at you yelling DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!!!

LISTEN! He does not love you, respect you or show that you have ANY worth!

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (9 June 2011):

raiders agony auntHe is unstable and miserable and he is bringing you down with him. My suggestion is for you to stay away from him he is trouble. He easily flares up and goes into this rage, do you really want to be with someone like this. What if in one of his rage he goes blind out of anger and actually hurts you. Would you like for your life to end so soon, don't be naive and think he wouldn't do it because he used death threats before. Please Please stay save an away from him don't be another domestic violence victim because the signs are all there.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011):

I suggest that you need to do a Pattern Break.

He behaves in a way that he believes is acceptable and forgivable.

You validate his behavior by the mere fact your still with him.

Sure you can plea for his forgiveness and think of the words you might say.

But I think a good solution would be to go cold and finish him and not proactively contact him as of the moment you finish him. Dont tell him about any of your emotions. Create the impression that you have moved on a do not care and make sure that when you give a reason, you stipulate all the things you dont like in a constructive way. Best to do by email or text.

Then only get back with him when he displays the right type of behavior. By getting back with him on a reward for good behavior basis you will change the way he acts towards you. He will learn that the concequences of treating you like that means that he will be finished with.

I know this message is going to get loads of replies about how unethical and ruthless this is but nobody can debate that this is the "be all and end all" of your issue.

UKLifecoach

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