A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in such a difficult situation that I am feeling really desperate with nobody to talk to about it. I have been married for 11 years and have been unhappy for the majority of it - although I have tried to dig in and keep going trying and hoping it would change. I have been shunned by my family in law and this causes terrible friction at home as my husband still wants to see his family and I do not believe I should get in the way of that. My husband is also very undermining to me and emotionally abusive (sometimes physically) and I find myself having to explain why I have done even the smallest things and each time I try something new it is criticised - my confidence is terrible now. Then he will be sweetness and light and I'm left wondering if I am imagining it all. 2 years ago I told my husband I was finding my own place and I did so and lived there for a year. I met a really kind and loving man during that time who made me realise what love was all about however my own family were really angry for me deserting my marriage that I had to keep this guy a secret. I felt so bad because this guy was patient and loving and he didn't deserve to be kept a secret but because I feel weak and bullied by just about everyone who should support me I couldn't face even more comments and emotional pain. The thing is my feelings for this other guy grew and grew and in not saying anything to anyone I was not able to lead a fulfilling life with him. In the end he said he needed to move on and he now lives abroad. We keep in touch daily and he wants me to move out there with him. Since he left, my husband has supported me financially because I am studying and wants to make a go of it but I feel powerless in this situation. I think our issues are the same and will never change. My family (Mum in particular) are pressurising me all the time to stick with my marriage I miss the guy who is now abroad really terribly but he is sick of wondering if I will ever go out there as its been months now. Because I kept that relationship from everyone - protected it from getting ruined - I feel to now tell everyone about it I risk losing family as they will think me a complete liar - maybe I am. I recently moved house and have lost contact with friends who don't seem to reply to texts or calls. I am absolutely dreading Christmas, cannot face being false, I don't know what to do. My heart is saying one thing. My head is telling me I just can't. Everyone wants me to be happy but its never on my terms. I feel incapable of making any decisions for myself in life. I cannot sleep - please help - any advice would be really appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Honey, I am in the same situation. I feel so helpless! I have been married for 10 years now. My husband is so annoying most of the time. He doesnt trust me. He follows me around the house, its like he is a part of me, like a shadow. He supports me as well because I am going to school and he keeps telling me that he dont want me working. While in the beginning I thought "Hey! He really cares about me because he dont want me working, he wants me to finish school...well, when I finally "woke up" I realize that he doesnt want me working because he knows if I have no money coming in to pay the bills then I cant leave him, like I am totally dependent on him and I cant live without him. It is a control matter!! My parents are alot like yours and says I need to try to make it work... and for along time, I have tried to make it work but just recently I have realized that I have to live my life for me and do what is best for me no matter what my family or anyone else thinks. If they truely love me then they will understand and accept my decision, if not..I dont need them anyway!!! You need to live your life and do what is best for you no matter what anyone else tells you! You know what is best for you and what will make you happy. If you want to be with the other man, and he is good to you and makes you happy, GO FOR IT!!! Dont worry about what anyone else says, thinks, or feels!!!I hope this helps some, good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I understand your situation and it is hard to find others who have experienced this. I am a woman who is/was in the same place, exactly! I've been married 16 years and at year 10 I met my boyfriend. I have two kids and multiple family members who believe in sticking with marriage - never give up, learn and grow together is their motto. I too believe this as I think you do too but.... we are not our mothers, we are more educated and have more choices so who wants to be told what and how to do things by our "partners"? My husband and I were not on the same team as he made all the rules and decisions.
What made the difference is when he found out about the other man. I had filed for divorce over a year ago. He was upset but the real effort on his part came after he found out. My parents were sooo upset with me and they still do not "like" me for this. However, husbands changing after they are confronted with an affair is not unusual and I definitely recommend you do tell him (yes, it is scarey both emotionally and physically - you have to carefully plan it) or else you will end up with possibly another lover and believe me it is soooo much harder when there is a third person involved.
I think you are lucky your boyfriend moved away no matter how painful it is. I am not recommending this so you can get back to your husband as I do feel more independent since my husband has moved out - hear my story... after my husband found out I was involved I told him things about his controlling behaviors and anger (which I had said in the past) but now he finally was really listening. The way I approached these issues in the past (or so he says) was threatning to him and he felt attacked by my words. He went to a therapist (whom he still sees on a weekly basis) and got medicine! It really helped. He is calmer and we actually talk, heart to heart talks. Things are so much better and I almost want him to move back home, I want to please my family and live the ideal life which definitely has its benefits, but I do not think I'll ever find out and here is why- I have built a relationship with my boyfriend over the past six years where we have always talked, we never had a lack of connection and I have made verbal commitments to him. I do not think my heart will allow me the pleasures of exploring a new relationship with my husband as the pull is too strong to continue developing my other relationship. How sad!
It is hard for some of us to give our hearts back to a man after there has been abuse because our bond with them (if there ever was a connection) is broken yet.... we played a part of the cycle and how can your man grow to meet your needs if he does not know about your secret lover? If you involve another person in your marriage again and your husband shows he is capable of change it will be torture. You have been married for 11 years and I too married young like you did. I don't think you realize how much you care for someone until they are no longer around. Whichever way you decide there will be regrets and joys. Every day I make efforts to put aside what other people want me to do so I can connect with what I need. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hi,
I'm sorry to see you are having such a difficult time.
I have little empathy for your husband even though you say he is trying to patch things up. The mental and physical abuse does it for me. He doesnt deserve a partner.
As to what to do, first think that moving to another country will be very difficult, you would need assurances from your old flame that he will support you while you get on your feet and that its just not an invitation based on a whim.
Counselling would be good idea with your current partner, but if the abuse is ongoing then it's something you need to be committed to over a long period. Your family should be supporting you but a lot of parents believe that marriage is for life and no matter what happens you still stick with your husband. So I dont believe they want you to be happy in this way, they want you to live up to their ideal of the perfect marriage. This is not constructive at all.
At the end of the day, if your husband is still abusing you either mentally or physically, leave him as soon as you can, forget everything else. You could move out temporarily again and decide then what you want to do. If you have to support yourself then so be it, you can always put your education on hold until you have yourself sorted out.
Good luck !
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi. I sense your desperation and can understand how you feel. I also sense you are feeling confused which is probably affecting your thinking. I am trying to help but I don't fully understand what has happened in the past. What made you move back in with your husband??? You would have been at your strongest then, when you had moved out - but chose to move back to your husband. Why? Forgive me for saying but you sound less strong now - but more desperate.
You say that you believe you are incapable of making decisions , but in a way - you have made a decision. You decided to move back with your husband. And that's is where you are now. So maybe you are really saying - I made a decision but now think it was the wrong one. And prior to that, two years ago - you made a decision to move out out and leave your husband. So you are capable of making decisions, but maybe you are not happy once you have made it. You mentioned you are not sleeping very well. There are a few signs of possible depression - even though you might not realise it. If you have been unhappy for a long time depression can creep up on you as the result of continued unhappy/negative thinking. Before you make any more really big decisions, and the next one is a really big decision, it might be beneficial to see your GP. They can do a little anxiety/depression test to help diagnosis.
If you think I am way off the mark - then you just need to decide for your self - not for anyone else - do you stay (and try and make a go of it - and I mean try) or do you decide to go. Good luck . Hope this has helped.
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