A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years now (married for almost 13) and have 3 beautiful children (ages 12, 4 and 2). My problem is that I'm not sure that I'm in love with him anymore. When we were dating and when we lived together before we were married everything was wonderful. While we were living together, I became pregnant with our oldest son. We went to visit my family out of state during that time, and due to complications with my pregnancy, I was put on full bed rest and could not go back home with him but had to live with my family until the baby was born. During that "separation" we talked on the phone everyday, and I thought everything was just fine. He was in the military at the time, and while I was gone, he decided to move back into the barracks to save money. After 3 months, our son was born and we got married. He went back to his base to get everything ready (rent an apartment, etc.) for me and our son to join him. About a month went by, and he came and got us. That's when the trouble started. Our son was very colicky and cried all of the time, which caused a lot of stress to our relationship, but it was more than that. It seemed like everything had changed. We fought all of the time, and I got to the point that I felt like if I had anyway to get back home to my family I would have left him. He didn't seem to be attracted to me anymore, and he acted like he hated me.Since that time, I have felt love for my husband on and off but never really got that spark back. After our oldest son was born I ended up gaining a lot of weight and went through a great deal of depression. We tried to have another baby, but just couldn't. Then, when our oldest was 6, I found out that I was pregnant. It was one of the happiest days in my life. It was then that I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I ended up having a miscarriage because of it, and sunk into an even deeper depression. He just wasn't there for me emotionally. Nobody was. He just kept telling me to "snap out of it" and "stay busy so you don't think about it." I just couldn't do that. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I had never felt so alone in my life. All of my family lived 16 hours away, and because of my relationship with my husband I kind of lost touch with most everyone. I was completely lost. Because of my depression and the fact that having diabetes scared me, I ended up losing 40 lbs in 2 months.A year after my miscarriage, I became pregnant with our youngest son. I was very hormonal and emotional during that pregnancy and it seemed like all my husband could do was yell at me. After our son was born, I was so happy and for the first time in years felt completely in love with my husband again. That lasted for about 2 weeks. At the end of our second week together after our son was born he made the comment, "God, I can't wait to get back to work to get away from you people, you're driving me nuts. (to me) Your just so clingy all the time, what's wrong with you anyway?" I literally felt my stomach drop and my heart break. It was like that heavy cloud that had gone away had immediately appeared over my head again. Between that comment and my hormones, I ended up going into post-partum depression. I called my doctor's office and asked them to prescribe anti depressants. They asked me what was going on and I told them that I wasn't really seriously considering it, but the thought of suicide had crossed my mind. They told me to get to the emergency room immediately or they would call the police to come get me and they would take my baby in the process. I called my husband to come get me, and he yelled and screamed at me the whole way to the hospital for being such an idiot. My feelings for him just went downhill from there and my weight just went up.After our youngest son was 1 1/2 years old, I finally begged and pleaded enough with him to convince him to move closer to my family. From the time we moved he started complaining that he wanted to move back closer to his family. I ended up going into the hospital because my eating had gotten out of control and so had my blood sugar levels (I am most definitely an emotional eater and, with the exception of the miscarriage, always gain weight when I'm depressed). I told him how I was feeling about it, and he told me it was my own fault and if diabetes killed me, then it was my own fault for letting it happen. I went on a diet a week later and again lost 40 lbs in 2 months. Then I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. Around the same time, my husband found out that he was being promoted in his job, but his new job was going to be 60 miles from where we were living at the time. We found our first home for a very cheap price and low monthly payments near his new job. Things were going beautifully. He was much nicer to me during that pregnancy, and we got along pretty well (although I still felt no spark). Two months after our daughter was born, my husband lost his job.He was out of work for 4 months, and we barely made it on his unemployment check of $207 per week. After 4 months, he got a much better job that paid around $40,000 per year. Things were going great after that. We owned our own home, we paid all of our bills, we had 2 descent cars and we had extra money in the bank. He finally decided that he had enough of living where we were and asked to get transferred back to his home state. I didn't want to leave my little house out in the country and my family, but he insisted. I begged him to wait another year, but he wouldn't listen. He said that with the money he was making, we could afford a better house in his home state. I trusted him (big mistake). He decided it would be a good idea to move in with his brother and live in his brother's basement just until we could get our house sold and get another one. Less than 2 months after moving back here, he got fired from his job because he and his new boss didn't like each other. 2 months out of work and he went back to his old company making almost half of what he was making at the "good" job. We are still living in his brother's basement (which btw, my brother-in-law just got his house sold in foreclosure because he hadn't made a payment on it since his ex wife left him) and we are about to file for bankruptcy. My stress level is through the roof. Since my husband lost his job, I have gained 25 lbs. I have begged him to help me get on some kind of a diet, but he refuses. I can't seem to do it by myself anymore. My blood sugar is out of control, but he just doesn't care. I asked him earlier if he would still love me if I got up to 300 lbs. He said yes and asked me why, and I said it was because if I kept going this way I would be 300 lbs by July. Then he says, "Well, you can get up to 300 or even 350 lbs if you want, but you are going to get on top of me for sex every once in a while." I was just so angry and hurt from that statement. It felt like he was saying, kill yourself if you want, but make sure I still get what I want. I have gotten to the point that I hate having sex with him. I hate it when he touches me. I hate it when he talks to me. I just want him to leave me alone. The problem is, I don't have anyone else. Even after living in my home state for 3 years, I never resumed a close relationship with anyone in my family (with the exception of my parents who are both in their mid 70's and in poor health). I'm too fat for anyone else to want me, and my kids adore their father so I can't take them away from him. This just isn't where I saw my life at the age I am now. I just turned 35, and I'm living in my bil's basement. My husband's a total jerk who ogles over all these skinny women on TV and in magazines and then tries to tell me I'm sexy at 235 lbs. I feel like he does love me in his own way, but at the same time doesn't give a damn about my health or my feelings. Because of his new job, we can't afford health insurance so I can't see a psychiatrist to deal with this depression, and I definitely can't talk to him about my feelings. I still care about him, I'm just not sure I love him "that" way anymore.How do I deal with this? What should I do? What can I do to at least try to save this relationship? Is there any hope at all? I swear that if things don't change soon, I'm going to eat myself into an early grave. Sometimes I feel like it would be better that way, because at least I'd be out of this miserable life.I apologize for this being so long, but I just had to get it all off of my chest. I desperately need someone to talk to and some real advice. The only thing my mother tells me is to talk to God and he'll make everything better. So far, God's not answering and I'm getting desperate.
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female
reader, davislacy +, writes (5 January 2011):
Im going to post this, even though this is extremely late answer to your question.
You have 2 main things working against you. Your depression. And the fact that your husband is extremely verbally abusive. But you don't help your own cause by agreeing with the negative things he says. My boyfriend says awful things like "your still gonna get on top of me for sex every once in a while." and somehow in his crazy deranged head he thinks by making a derogatory comment that it will inspire me to want to lose weight, cuz why if i am that heavy would i want to get on him? I would rather lose weight....NOT! Men are fickle. Sorry if that insults you other writers. As far as God goes in all, Gods up there, watching, waiting... and he's waiting for you to either do something drastic for you. Im not saying leave your marriage, but don't leave it all up to your husband to make you have some self worth. Go rent the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, get on some bio-identical hormones, find a job that you like, thats not all about the money but something that can be an escape for you not so much work and just make a start. You dont have to lose 50 pounds in six months, who gives a rats ass if you dont sleep with him. He can go look at his skinny bimbos in the bathroom and jackoff for all you care. Dont let his stubborn arrogance dictate your happiness. When you get happy about you, and start feeling good without his help thats when everything will start to turn around on you. Ask God for guidance, explore what God is too you, and let him make you feel like theres hope...but just because hes there doesnt mean he can do all the work by himself. Now i dont know if your still in this situation. The last answer to this post was 2 years ago. But if you are... i hope this helps.
Now...if i can just try to follow my own advice we'de be all good.
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 Most of the circumstances you describes, delivery problem, children problem, losing job, etc are accidental and hence bad luck. You mother is right in saying, god will help you. It look orthodox way of saying, but it is true...without any fault you both have to suffer. Your suffering is also health suffering...
Nothing special to advice you, just be patience, and everything will be alright. You both are mature, but your circumstances had made you both some what harsh.
Every bad thing has it time...it is not permanent state, but a temporary state. You both will be happy, as you both had good time also.
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A
male
reader, Abelieverinthewordofgod +, writes (11 January 2010):
Anonymous writer, after reading your touching letter it is one that I had to offer my input that I felt from with in my soul on this matter. First thing first, I will show you from different points of view from the bible to my personal experience as a man. In your letter I notice that never once you mention he cheated on you, which is a good thing he didn't; Because that in it self shows that he is been loyal to you and love his family despite his ways. Faithfulness to the vow you both took plays a big part in marriage. I'm saying that to say your mother told you to PRAY and GOD will fix it.. YES he will ONLY if you believe and give it to him to fix. (Its like your car having a problem and you don't know for yourself how to fix it, so you take it to the mechanic. You would not go the mechanic and say to him well let me do it after you have given it to him?) This is one why you can look upon it.Another way, is the Vow, the vow still stand in tact before God on the bases that you both have not cheated on each other; God will honor the seal that he himself has place on your marriage by earring your request for change in your husband ways.What you can do to help yourself is to SEEK OUT AND FIND JESUS CHRIST which will take your mind off a lot of the things that are troubling you, Jesus will notice that you are seeking after him and allow you to find him.Them you will be on a different road were by the statement will ring true which states "Taste and see that the Lord is good". In addition, you will then come to understand what the words mean when your mother told you to pray unto God and he will fix it. Now from a yet different view, Men can be wise, loving, A provider, A leader, A pierce to his home, a best friend a grate lover est,. At the same time a SOB, when place in that mind set. In same likeness for a woman. the key is knowing how and when to get what you want for him .i.e. you know that if your husband is what must people would say "a good provider" and you wanted him to buy something that you saw, well you will think up different way on how to move him to the point to get it for you, and in doing so using your best plan on him were he will not say no.A Good woman is hard to find and its stated that when a man find a virtuous woman he has found a Good thing; Well for the man, when a woman finds a man who is wise, knowledgeable and having understanding what she has is all she will ever need for the rest of her days on the earth... I hope you are following what I’m saying.If you look back over your vow you will come to see that God didn't promise you at the time when you both standing before him and all of heaven that this man will be perfect, No, He didn't promise that he will be the best sex partner you will ever need, No, nor were it mention anything about he must have wisdom knowledge and understanding, No the characteristics are of your choosing and yes they will be helpful for him to have but not a prerequisite on the marriage. so if you buy a TV from the store and you get home and open the box there in you will find a manual how to set up and install everything needed to get you started; now if you chose not to read the manual (the bible) to know how to set up that you will perhaps continue to have problem with your set or perhaps turn-out you will be calling in someone to help you set up.Remember these keys: A Word, Faith, Belief, trust and action
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): hi im so sad for you!! i totally get it how we let men empower us even though we do EVERYTHING!! its weird and i cant explain it at all, can anyone! we are women and we do what we do to fix the problem of the moment, and sadly we forget to fix us, i dont have any quick fix answers for you but i feel for you and totally get that shit feeling that comes and goes, good luck hang in there!!! good luck, i really hear ya,!!! my husband suks too, sometimes he can be so horrible and mean like i could seroisly hate his guts then he is mister bloody fantastic!! yummy!! that makes it worse. we know what to do!!! we just have to do it.. BYE BYE Husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but thats a whole new can of worms!!! aghhhh what to do? I think talking is a good start!! so see how we go from hear
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): .....wow...U R a trainwreck!...(i mean this with compassion, of course)
that being said, i seem to see a few very telling tributes to your story...
first: you are relying on husband to keep you happy.ie; a man child IN THE ARMY no less...listen, god is not gonna answer...you have to learn a few fundamentals ....
"god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change; courage to change the things i can; wisdom to know the difference"..this means YOU, SISTER!!...
second:...what would you say if men started blaming baldness on marriage, or monogamy, or the fact that wife doesnt treat me like a rock star anymore...my mom is a big lady, (thyroid big)230+ easy...i dont hear this kind of dribble out of her. you put it in your mouth, you are responsible for it. that is an undeniable.
you are unhappy with your marriage. that is an undeniable.
you dont seem to be getting through to your husband..that is an undeniable.
you are diabetic. that is an undeniable...
i know you have played it out a thousand times already, but lets try one more time, ok?
get off the diet coke, and daytime TV!!(that shit will kill you)
you need to take stock of life and figure this all out.
ok, about husband....you seem to think this is happening to only YOU!
how much useless whining, and bitching do you make "sharing your feelings" with him?
stop me if i'm wrong, but unless he's a chronic pot smoker, (or some other substance), he's prolly bustin' his ass,tryin' to salvage your finances while you get fatter, and fatter...he may not fully understand your weight gain..i'll bet he isnt everything you wanted him to end up like, but i'll bet you aint either, sister
but let me just mention, that i'll wager you say things to him that would be the equivalent of calling you the "C" word, on a daily basis...my guess, this isNOT all his fault, and if i were you, i would give that a hard look, before gettin' online, and posting you wanna leave your husband..
sister, the last thing you need is new drama...
promise me one thing....
only eat natural foods, for 6 months, and lets see about that diabetes...dont get on diets!!!!eat RIGHT, and get to work, (if you can find some work) and be a part of your own solution, and stop blaming your husband if he isnt a chub chaser.
my wife is a little on the big side, and she used to ask me the question all the time.(almost everyday)"do you think i'm getting fat?"
for about a year, i said "no way baby!!", but i got sick of answering the question, so one day i answered, "no sweetie, i dont think you are getting fat, i KNOW you are getting fat"....needless to say, she was pissed, hurt, and maybe a little humiliated, but i had to remind her, you kept askin', (i have always thought that question is equivalent to "is mine the biggest", or "am i the best you ever had", or "how many before me" questions, and should be against the relationship Geneva convention)as they are LOADED QUESTIONS!!
.....ok, lets talk about the kids......no, lets not.
this is not their fault...12, 4, and 2....
you are in deep trouble, sister, and the only person you should be looking at for a response, is YOU!!
no, i dont think you heard me.....
YYOOUU!!!
if your husband were on here postin' i want to leave my wife but i cant afford to divorce her.
at first, everything was cool, but after she had the first kid, she started to go up like a balloon!..now it is even worse, she never stops eating, she is sayin' she's gonna reach 300 pounds!!!! what can i do?..
i've tried to talk to her, but how do you explain just snap out of it, and get better? if she keeps this up, she'll die, i love her, but i dont know if i'm IN love with her anymore...i am embarressed to go out with her,(i know how that sounds) she is miserable, and it is really starting to effect the kids....
dont seem fair, does it?....truth be told, you have lots of work to do, and not alot of time to fix a lifetime of bad habits...(the blaming the world for your misery part), sorry, but that is how i see it.
good luck, take care of you, and things will improve, even your outlook on your marrage. :)
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (21 November 2008):
 Hi,
I dont mean to hurt you, but I think you are being selfish. You are ready to eat yourself to death, with no thought as to what your children may be feeling. Your husband may be a thoughtless jerk, and have many faults, but he is right that you only have yourself to blame over your size. I realise its a cry for help, but who will look after your children if you die, have you actually thought of that?
I agree with Emily, you should go and live with your parents for a while, and take the kids if you can. Sort yourself out, and get back your self esteem.
Its easy to let yourself go when you are down, but you need to be strong for your kids. I think personally, that your husband is probablly not all bad, but you are letting him walk all over you, and he has got into the habit of doing just that.
Darling! even if you were a size 0, your husband would still look at other women (thats just what men do). It doesnt mean that he doesnt love you, he just needs a kick up the backside (metaphorically speaking).
I know if I let my partner treat me badly he would carry on doing it, even though he is not a nasty person. Its all about having a level of equility, do you know what I mean?
Please dont take offence, I just want you to know its in YOUR power to change things and get them back on track OK?
XXX
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (21 November 2008):
Your parents are in poor health - so they could probably do with someone young around the house.
Move home, take the kids, get happier from being away from hubbie, eat better, lose weight, be healthy, look after parents, make friends with everyone again, get job, get place of your own near parents, live happily ever after.
Living with your parents may not be ideal for the first couple of months but surely it's better than living with your current sad excuse for a man.
Do you really want to have the kids learning that this is how a man treats a woman?
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, ***Nicki*** +, writes (21 November 2008):
you must be a very strong women to put up with that for 14 years. I dont have as much life experience as you but this story sounds quite like what my mum was going through. until she final had the guts to leave my dad on her 35th birthday, cos yet again he didnt care enopugh about her to even plan anything and her birthday was an excuse to him to go on the piss.
do your children not see that their mother is unhappy, cos you may think you hide it well just like my mum did, but we seen the pain in her face every day. and like you she didnt want to have sex with him anymore as he made her feel like it was a chore. and he would normally only want to sleep with her when he was drunk.
My mum had put on a bit of weight herself but my dad used to tell her she was fat, so at least he is not saying that, but in the same way he isn't helping you by saying it doesnt matter what your weight was. this just makes you sound like a peice of meat thats only there for when he needs it.
If you are truly not happy then leave him. your children will understand this when they get a bit older jusy like i did. your oldest son may be like me and give you the full support that you needed from your husband but didnt get it.
You will find love again, but before you do you need to find yourself cos you sound a little lost. firstly get rid of your husband cos he isnt helping you at all. maybe go to a diet class once a week and get a programme set up to help you chose which foods to eat, you will need to feel healthy and love who you are before you can happy and expect anyone to love you.
My mum is still single nearly 7 years on but she is the happiest she has ever been.
Take care
xx
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