A
female
age
36-40,
*ovesickk
writes:Dear Cupid friends,This is my second post :)I want to share with you my feelings and concerns, so you can orient me if I'm doing everything the wrong way.I'm married, since last August 2009, but I come from a long distance relationship from 8 years back and I'm still not living with husband, because of migration issues to that country where he is.He's a controlling person, very career-oriented, and desperate for success (money making). I've always been there for him, devoted to him and doing everything he pleases. This has made me an insecure person, because I get very scared everytime he gets mad at little things, very simple as replacing the camera battery before going golfing. Scared because his reaction is so selfish, he don't understand that it could happen to anyone, and shuts down and walks away without talking to me, or if I talk, he answers yes/no in a bad way. With all this, he expects me to look for him later and beg his pardon.Aside from this, when we get together for vacations, they are good, but these little things are the ones that scare me the most. For example I don't know if we had children, how would he treat me in front of them. Because I don't see that supportive side of him, never.Well, I have had put up with this a long time, his controlling has controlled me psycologically... But recently this year I feel I'm changing. I don't want to have this kind of life the rest of my life, someone opened my eyes and made me see that what I'm living is not happines, and its not the way to get there.Finally, I'm honest with myself. I'm not happy with my marriage, with him nor my life. My desire for him has gone, as well. When he wants to be with me (sexually speaking) he does nothing previewsly and that makes everything worst. The bad part of all this: I'm Married :( and I can't walk away easily.My concern: Should I stay with him because I already gave him my word at the altar, even though my happiness is in question. Or should I leave and get my own happiness even if we still are not living together?I'm now in a difficult position, because I have to fill all the immigration forms, he's pressing me on that and I deeply feel that I don't want to do it. I don't want to leave my life, my family, work, etc.... Thanks for sharing with me your thoughts. I'm sure they'll help me!!! :)
View related questions:
insecure, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): Thanks for keeping us updated.
I think it's the right decision to let go. He probably realizes you've gone cold on him and tries to mend his mistakes with soothing words. But I find it funny that he will not admit being too controlling.
I can tell you now that if you fall for it, it'll start all over again. Please, do break it off. If you don't feel the love anymore, you never will. What's over is over. I don't think he'll be devastated in the 'the love of my life has left me!' way, but more in the 'my puppet has left me!' way.
Be strong. Go for YOUR happiness.
A
female
reader, lovesickk +, writes (20 May 2010):
lovesickk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, just wanted to let you know that last night he told me he recognizes he has been all this time focused on wrong things, like work, and didn't pursue the really important values in life (like love, family, etc).
Now, I'm the one who feels it's too late. I honestly don't feel it. Wish I could, though... but after 8 years almost 9, I feel my love has faded until it disappeared at some point. Don't know when that happened, because I've been forcing it for too long. Now, I think I finally will let go. I should.....
Thanks again, hugs.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovesickk +, writes (19 May 2010):
lovesickk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your honest opinion, I'm going to discuss it with my family this weekend, with whom I'm very close....
I don't want to hurt him, I know this will devastate him... But I'll try to be strong and free my self now that I can... :S This is sooo Scary for me! to do this...
...............................
A
female
reader, 1supergirl  +, writes (18 May 2010):
I am a relationship that originated as yours did. I think you should definitely not follow through with this if I was not happy. We have had hard times due to all the stress of getting a visa and it's hard. It does make you angry/crazy. You should take some time to see how your will feel without this person in your life. I would take sometime just focusing on yourself. On what you need and want out of life and makes you happy. I think this may give you the answer. Take a week and go somewhere without any distractions and focus on yorself. Think out life with and without this person and how you will feel living your life as you do now. With your family and friends and your interests. Think about what you want out of life and if you truly want to be with this person forever. If you think you do you may want talk to him and tell him how you feel. He should respect your feelings and care for you first and formost. He should realize his faults as should you. Try to communicate with you openly on how to make the relationship better. You should see changes for the long term and soon. I had asked myself this several times before my relationship became a marriage and even after. "Will I be happy"? I am with this man forever and can we work out the small things. Things that often become big if not openly communicated and resolved. The worst thing to do is bury them because they can destroy a relationship? When I was on the verge of getting married to my current mate and I still felt I wanted to follow through with it. I never would have if I had any reservations about it before or after. If I did not feel comfortable with the person I was about to marry or to whom I am currently married. I would think about separating or divorce after I discussed it with him. If he really loves you he would put your feelings first and realize his mistakes if not then let him go. You should think about your happiness and your future. I agree if he would be a good father is another concern. He may be stressed out and confused himself. This is one of the hardest ways to start a relationship. He may be scared/nervous or frustrated also. It may take a little time but if can be resolved an you do not feel scared then it may work out for you to be together. You definitely should never feel scared of you husband or love. If he really loved you he would treat you well and take care of you no matter what his feelings are. He would show you love instead of anger. It shoud be that way in a realtionship in good times and in bad. You should feel he makes you happy and not have doubts. He should treat you like you are No. 1 and his top priority in his life. A caring realationship begins with thinking about you mate and how they feel in all aspects as it does for your husband. He may want to think about how he feels and what he wants and take some time off also. True love always works out as it was meant to be. If you can stay together and trust each other and feel secure and happy. That is what really matters. You should not always be happy every minute but always feel loved by your other half and willing to work out differences. Make compromises for small things but always talk about what feelings are and be able to talk about them together. I hope this helps youboth. Think about what you want and need first before you make your decision. I hope this helps Remember communication and compassion/love is the key to a good realtionship with others and yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Well, I can't tell you what to do because it needs to ultimately be your decision.
But even though marriages and relationships sometimes require sacrifices...you can't give up your happiness for someone else. You don't want to have to live your life that way. You need to take care of your own needs and do what will really make you happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): First of all, which country does he live in? Cultural differences might help explain the way he's treating you. As you know, men and women aren't considered equal in every culture and he might be one of those who think they own their women, instead of being their equal. To be honest, I would end this right now. Cancel the immigration, cancel the marriage. I don't know about the laws that concern this, but get someone who does know to give you some advice on how to go about this.You are not happy. Your happiness is most important right now. This man will not make you happy. Well, what are you waiting for? Break up, be free and beware of whom you marry next time.
...............................
|
