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age
36-40,
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writes: I am currently married, and only have been for six months. My husband is loving and supportive, and we treat each other very well. Although we have a strong emotional relationship, I have never been interested in him sexually [we have sex, it's just not "hot" to me, and I used to be a very sexual person]. Nonetheless, I am happy with our commitment to one another. Sex is important, but not everything. We are humans, and not animals, so I just deal.Anyway, I am sharing this background information because it may or may not affect the issue I am about to share: I am in love with my best friend's husband. I can't stop fantasizing about how sexy he is, making out with him, etc. I know that this portion would imply that I am in LUST with him, and not in love, but it goes deeper. I think part of the reason I was so attracted to his wife [my friend as a friend] was because I loved spending time with her husband. He is so interesting, talented, sweet and fun. He has so many wonderful qualities. I actually think HE might be my best friend, and not his wife, but it is just not socially acceptable for it to be that way. We hang out as couples all the time and I have never been alone with him. I facilitate us hanging out so much because I look forward to being with him as much as possible. He makes me so happy.I have never cheated and I am against doing so. I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!Just a reminder: I am not planning on leaving my husband, or breaking up my friends' marriage. But, I feel so deeply compelled to share my feelings with this guy. I would let him know I am not suggesting an affair, I just kind of want him to know that I love him, and want to know how he feels about me. I know he loves me as a friend, but I HAVE to know if its something more! I don't know why! What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): If you are not planning to break up their marriage or cheat on your husband (which is very good decision) then what is the point of telling him. Imagine the possible awkwardness that could come as a result of it. Or what if he has feelings for you too? Then you just going to pretend like you don't know it? It may complicate the whole situation.
I think it's best for everyone that you do not share how you feel. And maybe keep your distance with him for a while, until your feelings fade away a little.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): If it was my situation I must say I would never ever tell the guy that I love him. Because of one simple thing, your best friend. I would not respect her or be a good friend if I did that. What do you expect him to answer you when you have told him about your feelings?
I would never put my friend through that.. and believe me I have been in a similar situation. I choose my friend, because she is my friend and men comes and go. But she will always be in my life... I later found love in a other way and she is still with him.
It seems like you should focus on your own marriage... if you aren't happy with him that's what you should be focusing on. Communicate and find a way to make it better or divorce him and find someone that makes you happy in every way. Because sex is important to keep the fire between a couple going. The passion will continue if you are often intimate with each other.
But stay away from your friends husband!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): you will be the most selfish person if you tell your best friends husband that you are in lust with him. why will you be so cruel?? i know you are not happy in your marriage, why do you want to destroy your friends marriage? no much of a friend are you?
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female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 You're better off not saying anything.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-to-do-when-the-person-youre-attracted.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): yes it is possible to have it all. and as you have found out in only six months, love, compatability, and respect are neccessary and wonderful things in a marriage...but they are a cold bed partner. in my opinion passion and sparks...are needed too. without them, you will have a battle with your passionate nature the rest of your life. you will eventually become so unhappy and desperate for that longing to be satisfied that you will find a way to spice it up. the question is who will it be with. people have only given heed to the romantic/sexual side of love in the last 100 ears in western civilization? have you read the Bible? Song of Solomon is proof that people have always had a passionate nature. good luck poster...i am glad that you have chosen to come here to unload your heart...and that you've made the right choice...but i think you need to be really honest with yourself. You are in denial about your marriage. There may be people who this would work for...but you are not one of them. There are people who are not that passionate or sexual...but you obviously are, and you need that to be returned. As do I...so if you plan to stay married, you HAVE to create sparks with your hubby. Otherwise, it will not last. good luck sweetie, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): My hunch is if this is going on, your husband already has an idea. If you want to ruin your marriage and both friendships, then keep carrying this torch.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 Hmm, you are quite right, sex isn't everything. But it is a whole lot. Have you given up on trying to have "everything"? Are there things you and your husband could to to make the sparks fly in the bedroom? Perhaps that would take your mind off of this other man, so that you could be happy being just friends and enjoy the friendship more.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2010):
 Does your husband know you aren't sexually attracted to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): I am the original poster of this question, but decided to "go anonymous." I want to let you all know that I appreciate your feedback, as that is what I was seeking in the first place. You've given me so very compelling reasons for not telling this guy about my feelings, and I have decided not to do so. So, for that, I want to thank you for aiding me in making a decision. On the other hand, I am disappointed with some of the reactions. I understand that most of you feel that it would not be commendable for me to disclose my thoughts/feelings, but I feel as if I have been disrespected by many of your comments. I didn't DO anything; I was just inquiring!
Do you think I WANT to have these feelings!? Of course not! The people involved here are among the ONLY people in the world I care about. I do not have a family outside of my husband, and my friends are wonderful, loving people who treat me like family. I do not want to lose them, so I will take no action.
Also, I don't think leaving my husband is the solution to this problem. I married him because he is loving and supportive and treats me the way I want to be treated. I think "you" are mistaken if you think you must be 100% attracted to your spouse physically. Marrying for romantic love is a very Western concept that has only gained popularity in the last 100 years or so. Many people historically and at present marry [and stay married] for reasons other than thinking their spouse is a "hot piece."
So, I think I married for the right reasons-- we love each other very much, and are compatible with our values and goals, which I think is most important. Looks fade, I know that. But yes, there is SOMETHING missing from my relationship: sexual passion. How lucky "you" are if "you" have it all! I know there are shortcomings to this other guy-- my friend deals with some aspects of his personality that I know I NEVER could.
I just wanted to get this feelings out of me. It is a confession of sorts. I would rather confess on here than make a train wreck of my life.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2010):
I think your subconscious is doing its best to get you out of the mistake of your marriage, by creating a physical desire for another man--physical desire which is lacking in your marriage--and with it, then, chaos and drama. That little inner you has realized that perhaps you shouldn't be married to a man you aren't fully in love with. If you were completely happy with the situation, you wouldn't have fallen for another man within 6 months of the wedding.
My suggestion actually is for your husband. I'd suggest that you consider ending the marriage, so he can find and be with a woman who love him totally and completely. Then you are free to find the man who is perfect for you, as apparently, it is not your husband.
Look, many people marry for the wrong reasons. I think something inside you is crying out for the thing that is lacking from the marriage that perhaps wasn't really as good idea as you portray in your first paragraph.
All you're going to accomplish by telling this guy is a crystallization for him that you desire him, he'll either reciprocate or he won't. If he does, then you get to have this whole tragic hidden link to him for the rest of his marriage (as long as it might last) and you'll have subtly undermined your best friend, in the most important relationship of her life, not to mention, underscored for yourself the inadequacy of the full intimacy of your marriage.
If he doesn't, then you'll be pitied and will ultimately wind up being pushed out of their lives.
It's realy a lose-lose. Focus on why it is you entered a marriage that doesn't rock you to your foundation and core, why you 'settled' for a less than spectacular relationship. Are you lazy? Is your biological clock ticking away?
"I deal." That is not the expression of a newlywed.
Deal with your marriage. Otherwise, you're going to have a life full of these mysterious attractions to other women's husbands. It's kind of sad, really.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (7 July 2010):
 Well, I'm certainly not saying the poster HAS done anything wrong at this point.
The thing is she's newly married and while she says she does not intend to have an affair, loves her husband and will not break up her friends' marriage, she is investing a LOT of emotional energy in this married man, to the point of telling us she's in love with him.
How in the world can this be appropriate when both people are married to someone else? She's playing with fire.
Enough said.
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female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (7 July 2010):
you are married and he is married, I dont know what you think you might gain from telling him other than the fact that maybe you are actually hoping he will return the feelings in which case this is dreadful.
Nothing good can come of you opening this can of worms, if you tell him and he is angry with you for your betrayal to your husband and his wife then he will tell his wife and she will be angry with you then yiur husband will find out and you will lose your husband and your friends.
if he returns the feelings then you have destroyed two marriages because how will you be able to continue with your husband knowing that you have told another man that you want him instead, how with your best friends husband cope knowing how you feel if he feels the same? chances are he will want to leave his wife.
If you honestly respect your marriage then you need to ignore this and work on your marriage, you have only been married for 6 months, you should be concentrating on your husband, life and future together.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 July 2010):
In the defense of the OP, she has not insisted on doing anything. She came here wondering if she should tell the man because she feels she needs to. Now that she has heard our opinions we do not know if she will still tell the man or not, so saying she is insisting on it is going a bit far. Also treating this like a case of adultery is going too far, when the woman has clearly stated that she will under no circumstance have an affair. Not to mention this is completely one sided. It is an admiration, I am guessing her very first after she got involved with her now husband. And she doesn't know how to handle it yet. I hope that we have been able to shed some light on it so that she can make a better decision for herself.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 July 2010):
Chigirl,
It's true that in a marriage or long-term committed relationship, one or both partners will still notice other women/men and be attracted. Quite natural. BUT if they have any sense and value for the relationship they are committed to, they won't go to the extent of obssessing about it, let alone telling the object of their attraction of their "love" for him or her!
In LoveISNature's case, yes, no harm has been done - yet. What is so alarming about this is that she'll find herself in an emotional (I don't say "physical") affair, wreck two marriages if she insists on going through with this.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 July 2010):
I actually came to think of another thing. The question why you want to tell this guy. Could it be that you are feeling guilty for thinking this way, and just want to tell someone? Him being the only man you can possibly imagine telling? Because you can not go to your husband with this, and you can certainly not go to your friend. Other friends might also turn their backs on you? So maybe that is the reason you want to tell him, because you are feeling guilty having these feelings, and telling someone is your way of confessing?
Because if it is so, I think it could be a good thing for you to accept that no one is perfect. You are not perfect. You cant not always have a perfect mind set and 100% love your husband until the day you die. There will be problems, there will be issues, and you might fall in love with someone else along the way. I don't think you should feel the guilt of being imperfect. No one is.
What is important is that you accept this part of yourself, and even if your mind can not always be 100% faithful to your man, as in seeing him as the only sexually desirable man on earth... Try to remember that it would be quite odd if you never found another man sexy ever again. I keep saying this to women, and men, that even if you are in a relationship, or married, you are not blind. You have eyes. You have a sexuality. You can get attracted to others. And that in itself is not something to be ashamed of. You don't wanna tell your partner about it, because it might hurt them, but it is quite human. The important thing is that you are faithful, know that you love and respect your man. That is what matters. As long as you know your "place" and role, and don't play with fire, you will be fine.
So far, no harm is done. Keep it that way. When no harm is done, everything is in order. You are not crying yourself to sleep at night over this other man right? You are not feeling trapped in your marriage, unhappy, unloved, you still love your man... So no harm has been done either to you or anyone else. As long as it stays that way, things are ok. But draw the line somewhere. Do not fantasize about this man when you are having sex with your husband (that will only drive you mad with guilt), and try to find a way to control your enthusiasm about the other man. If you can't control it you need to start distancing yourself from him, because what is top priority is always your marriage.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 July 2010):
NO, you don't "HAVE to know"!
You have no business even thinking about telling him you "love" him. He's married; you're married and finding your husband not very appealing sexually is no excuse. You say you don't believe in cheating, and are not going to have an affair. Ah, but that's just what you ARE angling for: an emotional affair.
You tell us you're not lusting after this man. Well, you may tell yourself that, but it sounds like you're kidding yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn't be indulging in all these fantasies about making out with him and how sexy he is.
How do you think his wife - and your husband - would feel if they knew what's going on in your head? Do you really think they'd be happy to hear news like that? Nor is it much of a recommendation about you to say his wife is your good friend ONLY because it gives you proximity to her spouse!
I have say quite frankly you are playing with fire if you go on with this. And you know what happens when you strike matches, don't you? Your house is likely to be set on fire.
Why not devote your energy to spicing up your sex life with your husband? Think of ways you can entice him, with sexy lingerie, maybe even a little porn, whatever......sheesh.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): yes i quite agree with chigirl and caringguy...furthermore the 'wonderful friendship' you have now will be uncomfortable and tense and ugly. Dont do it, and put some distance between you and this couple.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (6 July 2010):
 You gave the correct answer to your own question in your post. You believe people make choices. The choices is yours on this, to tell him or not to tell him. The question you just need to ask yourself is WHY? Why do you need to get this off of your chest?
You seem to be trying to look at things logically, so don't stop short.... continue through with it. Let's say you "get this off of your chest", what are the possible outcomes? He says "I feel the same way!" How would that make you feel? Every time you see him what would you think? "I wish I was with him?" How about if he says he doesn't feel the same way? Would that make things awkward between you two?
Your exact words: I'm not planning on leaving my husband or breaking up my friend's marriage. But in fact, that is exactly what bringing all of this up would lead to in some way. The fact is, the only reason you have to bring your feelings out in the open is the same for if you were single and interested in this guy. You have romantic feelings for him and you want him to feel the same way. And the odds are he does, judging by your friendship with him. I bet it's more of a flirty relationship on both ends.
Stop trying to pretend you wouldn't rather be with him over your husband. It doesn't mean you dislike your husband (though you admit you are not sexually attracted to him) it just means you are more attracted to another guy. Also, stop trying to pretend you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings because you openly admit you want to tell her husband you are in love with him. How else would she react? Heck, you even admitted you are probably only friends with her because of her husband.
Be honest with yourself. Then you will realize you only want to talk to him because you are selfish. Relax, it's human to think this way. Almost everybody does. The difference is: People with morals live up to the commitments they made and keep these thoughts to themselves. Putting your morals aside is the first step to cheating. If you rationalize the first step, you will find reasons to take it one step further and I already see plenty of rationalization going on (not sexually attracted to your husband, etc)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): No! DO NOT do it, there are times when lust makes you stop seeing straight so you just need to calm it down and you'll realise how glad you are you never told him!!! Do
NOT tell him
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
And he will then tell his wife, and she will tell your husband. And you'll lose the lot and end up with a bad reputation. That's what will happen. That's why you can't say anything. If you're bored with your marriage, nor not sexually attracted to your husband, then get to work on it. But don't say a word to this other guy, or you'll lose the lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Ok all this sounds so wrong,i have never been in such a situation nor do i know of anyone who has been in that situation but here is my take on your situation,i dont thnk you want to mess with what you have let him go,i mean try to let it go thats the only brave way to deal with this concetrate on your husband deeply you maybe surprised how your sexuality may match his that is if you want.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 July 2010):
No no no.. do not tell him. If you tell him you will loose his friendship. And do you really think he will be faithful towards you or his own wife? He will tell his wife what you told him. His loyalty lies with her, not you. So you will loose them both of you tell. Don't tell. Especially don't tell as this might be a passing thing. You seek something from him that you don't see in your own relationship. Instead of obsessing over your friends husband, you should turn your eyes back to your own relationship and make it even better!
The grass is always greener on the other side you know! You see a perfect picture of this other man, for all you know he is a horrible person when alone with his wife. Not saying he is, but I am saying that since you are not in a relationship with him, and don't see him every day, you get to see his good sides only. Aka, you are not in love with him as a whole, but in the image of him that you can see. And you will never be able to see the whole of him and how he is because you will never be able to be in a full relationship with him.
It also sounds like you are bored in your marriage, and this is not meant as offensive. But I have read a lot of questions like yours, although strangely enough it is commonly from men who are in love with their wife's sister... The thing is just that what you say is quite "common" for those who find themselves in your position. You want to know if they love you back and so forth. I question why this matters at all. You are not interested in an affair. You just wanna know, tell him your feelings... and to me that sounds like someone who wants drama. So, I lean towards thinking you must be bored? Just my take on it.
There is no point in telling him, and I doubt he returns your feelings. The man is married after all. He made a commitment to his wife, and he is likely to keep it. All you will gain from telling him your feelings is a sour marriage once your husband finds out, feeling sad and lost when you loose your friends over it... I really don't see how it leads to anything good.
If it is so horrible to go through maybe you should stop meeting this married couple and find friends whom you find to be unattractive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): What a nasty piece of work you are!!! I cannot believe you think that is a good thing to do. What about your friend; you sound manipulative, emotionally immature, the list goes on. Divorce your husband, because you don't deserve him, don't contact your best friend, because you don't deserve her either, so basically how about you get yourself to a nunnery and say a few hail marys!!!!
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