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anonymous
writes:Hi all,Firstly, both of us are married, and I have been having an affair. I loved all the attention I was getting and about 1 month ago he broke off with me. It tore me apart intially, but now I am more stable. For the past two weeks, I have been phoning this guy off and on. He takes my calls, promises to call back, but never does. He also promises to see me, but keeps on making excuses. I seem to live for what he says and find it difficult to put him behind me. I know that I shud stop calling him, but its so difficult to resist the temptation. Please help me. Many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): just saw your messages....MOVE ON...I promise the pain will eat you up if you don't...get strength from somewhere...get help but move on...these type of people wreck your head.
Look at life around you, appreciate it...men are not the answer to all our happiness and to our well being.
I am out of it 6 months and i am a new person in the last 4 weeks. Go for it...don't ever look back.
I wish you well and let us know how you are doing.
Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): i stumbled onto this site as well. i cheated on my husband this weekend with a guy i've been friends with for several years and i'm disgusted with myself. 3 years ago, he was engaged to be married when he started flirting very suggestively with me and one thing led to another and we had phone sex. i was shocked and thought he was just scared about getting married but it continued and i got sucked into it. my husband travels a lot and i am often lonely trying to raise 3 kids by myself. we justified it by saying it was a joke between friends and nothing more and tried to keep up the facade that we were just friends and nothing would or could ever happen for real. i really believe we were both adamant about not wanting anything to happen for real. we didn't talk at all for about 5 months last spring, then he called me in july to tell me he and his wife were splitting up. i tried to not give in to the flirting but by september we were at it again. and by at it, i don't mean a lot, maybe the phone sex thing has happened 6 or 7 times since then... but i got sucked in and used him as a crutch to deal with the loneliness of my husband never being home. talking to him was like a high that i'm sure i've become addicted to. last friday, we were talking about normal stuff when somehow he ended up at my place and we crossed the line. i feel terrible. i care about him a lot as a friend and feel sad that we've messed that up. i wish none of this happened. i'm more upset about being unfaithful to my husband who i do love, despite some of our issues... sorry for not answering any questions, just dropping my own baggage. i haven't talked to my friend since the night it happened, just a few emails expressing confusion and regret from both of us. we are supposed to talk tomorrow night. i'm really scared and feel like i'm going to throw up.
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reader, jelleybean  +, writes (11 June 2008):
i stumbled onto this site as well. i cheated on my husband this weekend with a guy i've been friends with for several years and i'm disgusted with myself. 3 years ago, he was engaged to be married when he started flirting very suggestively with me and one thing led to another and we had phone sex. i was shocked and thought he was just scared about getting married but it continued and i got sucked into it. my husband travels a lot and i am often lonely trying to raise 3 kids by myself. we justified it by saying it was a joke between friends and nothing more and tried to keep up the facade that we were just friends and nothing would or could ever happen for real. i really believe we were both adamant about not wanting anything to happen for real. we didn't talk at all for about 5 months last spring, then he called me in july to tell me he and his wife were splitting up. i tried to not give in to the flirting but by september we were at it again. and by at it, i don't mean a lot, maybe the phone sex thing has happened 6 or 7 times since then... but i got sucked in and used him as a crutch to deal with the loneliness of my husband never being home. talking to him was like a high that i'm sure i've become addicted to. last friday, we were talking about normal stuff when somehow he ended up at my place and we crossed the line. i feel terrible. i care about him a lot as a friend and feel sad that we've messed that up. i wish none of this happened. i'm more upset about being unfaithful to my husband who i do love, despite some of our issues... sorry for not answering any questions, just dropping my own baggage. i haven't talked to my friend since the night it happened, just a few emails expressing confusion and regret from both of us. we are supposed to talk tomorrow night. i'm really scared and feel like i'm going to throw up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I have just found this site and was really interested in reading the postings. I am currently going through the pain of trying to get over an affair. I am single, and for the last year have been seeing a man that I originally met over six years ago. When I first met him he was going through his divorce, and we started having a relationship, but as he was going through alot of 'stuff' at the time, he finished with me, and we then just became,'friends' I saw him on and off over the next couple of years, we got on great, physically and mentally, but he just did not want to commit at the time....somehow we drifted apart (I got abit tired of just seeing him now and again and wanted more) a year passed and no contact, then two years ago we bumped into each other again, and I found out he had remarried to another women, it seems he had not known her too long.... I did the right thing at the time and although I was pretty cut up that he had married someone he had only known for a short time, I stayed away, and tried to move on. He text me from time to time but I resisted the meetings...until that is last November, he came round to see me and it appeared he thought he may have made a mistake!!! in marrying this women, (his words) so pretty much the rest is history, we began seeing each other, (on his terms of course) we had good evenings together, meals out etc., sex was fantastic, but he never stayed the night and of course weekends and holidays were out!!! Although each time I saw him it was good, the feelings I had after he had left made me so miserable, even hearing from him every other day by text did not really make me feel much better....so last Friday after a lovely evening together I decided to tell him enoughs enough!!! He pretty much made it clear that 'things were not going to change' and I told him I deserve much more, and that was it. Its now Tuesday and I have not heard from him at all. Of course the sensible side of me knows its for the best, and time hopefully will heal, but God does it hurt. I loved that man for six years, and stupidly, lived in hope we would eventually be together...anyway, now I know, of course he was only in it for the sex (although he says not!!!) I have been trawling through these sort of websites as it does bring some sort of comfort that I am not alone (not many of my friends are too understanding as they have not been there)
Its not really sympathy we are after, just some understanding without the judgement. After all every one makes mistakes, and we are the only ones getting hurt.
I just hope I can stay strong, and although I of course desperately would love him to call me and say he cannot live without me I do know better, and know he won't.
If anyone is going through similar at the moment you have my thoughts, but as the saying goes 'What does not kill us, makes us stronger' I really really hope so
Take care, be strong and look forward to a kind honest single and available man coming into our lives
Trish
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): I feel your pain I am out of my affair 6 months now and the pain is just as fresh. It is like a knife everytime and think about him and see him. I wish you luck, there is no easy answer. Mind yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I am about 3 weeks out from having ended my affair. We decided we could be "friends." However, we have become so much less than that as the weeks have progressed. He has not contacted me in days and I am so sad. I need to move on, I know, but it is so hard! We've known each other for over 35 years. And we were "just friends" before it moved to first an emotional affair, then, briefly, physical. Now we have nothing. And it hurts so very badly. I am concentrating on NOT contacting him anymore and trying to rebuild with my husband, who really is a wonderful person. We just drifted apart these past few years and neglected our marriage. Not an excuse for an affair, but there it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): hey, sorry have not been around. to the lady who wrote on the 12th....you have got to get through this you have to and you have to do it yourself and for yourself...the pain will go and hopefully we will see that we got out of it and moved on. you didn't let him know you fell apart and hold onto that and hold your head up.
good luck to you you are not alone.
Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): went out tonight and saw my ex married man...he was with his wife and totally ignored me...all I deserve, feel so down, why did i get involved with this guy. it hurts so much.
Reading your responses has helped me a huge amount but i need some advice today and is anyone out there who can help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): When you have an affair with someone it is a fantasy. It seems like your both "soul mates" and perfect for each , "if only you were both free to be together!" The truth is it would be just like any other realtionship you had but lack of everyday reality (like cooking, cleaning ,washing, finances, kids etc...) prevents the relationship from developing normally. This leaves you with the believe you picked the wrong partner. Neither of you is being real because you are secretly living ina fantasy. If you actually left your partner(s) it would be long before old patterns would kick in and you'd find yourself back where you started, so be glad it's over and spend some time now trying to figure out what was missing in your life in the first place and invest in YOU!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): i just saw my ex tonight and it was so hard...I am trying to get over him but it is proving very difficult. Thanks for all the advice, any help anyone can give would be so much appreciated.
I want to tell him not to leave me but it is pointless and so distructive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I have recently decided to stop the affair I have with my boy toy. It is very difficult but I have to do it. I just completely cut him off without informing him. It's been 4 days now and I'm totally missing him. Part of me wants to continue the affair, the other part wants to live a straight life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Hi Jamie and all!!Come on if anyone feeling down...log on and we can all support each other, we deserve to be helped and supported.The past few weeks have been mixed for me...felt I wanted to leave my husband, but I don't know why I don't, I don't know if I am scared to do so or too lazy, but I have kids and I just can't hurt their little lives I just can't so I look for anything in life that makes me happy and helps to put the pain behind me. I think i resent my affair ending most of all for it making me examine every aspect of my personality and I still think as much about my affair when I was in it as I do when I am out of it and I resent that also, but most of all I resent that I am not as happy as I was when I was in it or before it started...I don't even know if that makes sense...but one thing does I am determined to get through it...I am going to fight even with myself everyday to move on from it.It is the seeing him and the constant reminders that hurts cos when I bump into him it all comes flowing back the old feelings...but that is not good enough.I think we should think of saying to ourselves...we had the affair..so with that comes pain, of course it does, and we are feeling it...is that better then others involved feeling it..but are they feeling it anyway when we get upset and down in ourselves in inadvertently take it out on them....I don't know but I think life deals some hands to people who can withstand pain...and if we stick together in helping each other be better and stronger people then maybe that will be the good outcome.Lets take each step slowly forward in rebuilding our self confidence, self worth and get the happiness that we deserve as much as everyone else in life.For the lady who had an affair with her boss...it will get better...remember it has to and you will feel better and don't be too hard on yourself..be kinder to yourself and take things slowly.Good luck and lets keep trying and let us know how you are all doing.I need this site anyway for now..it is perhaps the only place I can be honest even with myself.Good luck.Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): I was having an affair with my boss and he broke it off he wants to be friends but its hard for me to see him as a fried I'm very dreppessed I don't know what to do myself so I really cant give you advice but i can tell you for sure I know what you are going through!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): I get this only all too well. I started having an affair with a former manager several months back. It started out as just long walks and alot of talking. I really loved it and it made me realize that the marriage I was in, was not working, and well abusive and destructive. The married man ended everything after xmas because he felt that it was wrong and was guilty. It hurt like hell. But, it was the right thing. My husband and I separated a couple of months later. I still kept in touch with the married man and then things started heating up in e-mails again. So, I have decided to go cold turkey. Although my relationship with him helped me get the courage to get out of a bad marriage, I don't want to be second choice to anyone. Does it hurt? oh yah, like crazy... but I know I deserve better.
From what I have read, the pain does go away.. and for those of you who can make your marriages work, try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Hi ladies,
Jane - I think you had a great idea...whenever we feel like we want to contact the guy or are feeling down, let's post instead! This site has helped me so much as well. Sorry I haven't been around, I have been sick with the flu and I wasn't able to get online much. Anyway, with my situation, I see the guy all the time, because we're coworkers (who work in very close proximity to each other, unfortunately). As I said in an earlier posting, he thinks I am fine with the whole thing ending and we can be "just friends," which I act like I'm OK with, but I'm not. I act that way only to keep my pride intact. What makes me mad is that he still makes flirty comments and says he wishes he could go back to fooling around, but the guilt just got to him. We never slept together, but came close to doing so. We texted constantly and had an emotional connection as well (besides the obvious physical one). He is just unhappy in his marriage, but that's not my problem. I have said this before in my posts, too - I never thought I would do something like this, and I take blame for what I did, but I blame him more. Doing anything with him never entered my mind until he started flirting with me. My husband and I were going through a bad patch, and things just went from there. The sad part is that we really could have been good friends if this didn't happen, we think alike about a lot of the same things and get along really well. (Well, we did, anyway - now I feel nothing but disgust for him.)
Anyway, my friends keep telling me that unless I tell him off, he will keep up the flirting and inappropriate comments. They're right - I just hate to do so, because I don't want him to know that I still have feelings for him. Also, I have to work with him (and will for a long time) and I don't want to cause an even more uncomfortable situation.
Joss - I read your post and I couldn't agree with you more. The men are selfish, and by staying friends, they want to keep a hold on you and maintain control. I also think it's because they want to make themselves feel better about themselves and make you think that they are not such a bad guy after all. Staying friends, as I found out, is impossible. The only reason I stay civil with the guy, as I said, is so that I keep what pride I have left. I was so embarrassed after he ended things, so acting indifferent is a way of gaining some self-respect back. It's just so hard, and I understand what you're going through.
I have also thought of telling his wife, but then thought, what's the point? I would hate to hurt her, and my husband doesn't know either, so we both have a lot to lose. So there is no way I would tell her, although sometimes I feel that she does deserve to know. She deserves better than him, that's for sure.
Jane is right...take it one day at a time, because time really does help. And be nice to yourself! We made mistakes, but we are learning from them and I feel like we are sincere when we are trying to make things better.
Take care, everyone - I'll check back soon.
Jamie
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): hi joss,
I know it is hell going through this, my advice to you would be, if you do tell, which yes you could of course, but think of the kinda pain of living with yourself also, it may be a grand gesture and I know you want them to feel the hurt that you are bitterly feeling now, but I don't think it works like that..i.e. will it ease your pain..yeah in a just world it might but you know it won't really and it may just most likely make it worse. I spent so long thinking how can I make it that I am okay how can i do it cos the pain is so bad but you know what there is no easy answer time helps but what is so hard is the reminders of him so be prepared for that...be prepared that you are going to hurt, that I am afraid is a fact. I backed away from him and did the ignoring...now I see him, bump into him, see him in traffic and he never bothers with me now and I miss him sooo much...but what can we do...nothing really. Yeah I could tell his wife but what good would it do it may make us feel better for awhile but unless we are made of stone I think it would be hard to live with causing more pain because look how hard it is for us to deal with this and we have really hurt ourselves. The issue with your husband I don't know, I did not tell mine, I think it depends on your husband and it depends on what you think it may achieve if for the better then ok?? but give yourself time if you are not sure you both deserve that.
Try to look after yourself and put effort into yourself and mind yourself then you will be able to make other things in your life better.
I feel like the pain crushes me sometimes and other days I cope. Just take it easy, take one day at a time, and be nice to yourself, be easier on yourself and life will become easier...it has to, that is our deal as women.
Good luck Joss and please tell us how you are doing...this site has helped me greatly and I hope it does you.
Jane
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reader, Joss  +, writes (9 March 2008):
Thanks for all your advice and help. I too just ended an affair, or rather he ended it but insists upons still being friends which I'm learning that I cannot accept. I just feel so awful. I keep calling him and yelling at him for refusing to carry on with me, even though he has a girlfriend and I am married, just because the hurt is so great that sometimes I feel that I can't control it. And then all that is followed by feelings of extreme humiliation and lack of self-respect. After reading all of your responses, I deleted his number from my phone and have decided to return all the books, etc. that he's lent me. I don't want to shift the blame entirely onto him, but I think that there's a real problem with the men wanting to continue to be friends afterwards. I feel that it's highly manipulative and essentially just means that they want to keep you on a string, control you, have the option of drawing upon your feelings for them/desire for them at any point, and making sure that you won't tell anyone who might tell their partner or tell them yourself. This wanting to be friends things afterwards, especally when there is a difference in how you feel about eachother is, I believe very selfish and ultimately fairly evil on their parts. But it's SO HARD when they feed you lines about your being so precious to them that they think it doesn't do either of your or level of connection justice just to stop talking. Are other people having this problem? I could really use some support in this area. Also, I can't decide whether I should tell me husband and, though I'm ashamed to admit it, I sort of want to tell his girlfriend what an manipulative creep he is. How do you deal with these feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): yes I agree, lets use this site to help each other to through the hard times and lets here about the good times also!
Gail
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi Jaimie,
Great to hear from you and I am so glad you are getting there, things are improving still here but I have not really seen him, I have seen his partner alot and I feel, I maybe imagining it, but she twists the knife in and I always end up a wreck when I see her...I don't know why I keep up the contact maybe it is guilt or maybe subconsiously it is my connection with him...I hope it is not the latter. It is still very hard every day but I am definitely 1 million times better then I was a few weeks ago..in fact I am a new person and alot due to this site. Lets try and do it together..I mean if we ever feel down or feel like making contact when we know it will be harmful to us..lets post on this site instead.
What do you think...and please keep smiling we are getting through it and it will make us better and stronger people.
Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Jane - I am the person who wrote first on Feb. 9th and also posted on the 10th...I'll call myself Jamie. Yes, I agree - I have been feeling much better after reading everyone's replies. You are right - it's our life and we can move on! We owe it to ourselves! Keep in touch - I check back on here just to see if there are new postings, so if you ever need to "talk", just post.I also am on a diet and feel better about myself already (I've lost 15 pounds so far). My husband doesn't know anything about what happened, so, like you, my pain is private, but I am making an effort to be a better wife and person in our relationship and things have been so much better lately.Take care, and I hope you're doing well!Jamie
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): sorry I was the third person who wrote on February 9th not the second.Regards,Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): I don't know about you guys but I am feeling a whole lot better since I last wrote (second person on 9th Feb)..I was feeling so down but after reading your messages it has helped me greatly and thank you for that. We can do it girls we can all be ok because guess what we have to be it is our life too. Good luck to us all and please update and let me/us all know how you are doing.it is confusing with no name so I am going to call myself..Jane.So every best wishes and happiness to us all.Regards, Jane!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): I am the first person who posted on February 9th. In response to the other postings: I know what you are going through. I believe you when you say that you never thought you would have an affair, because neither did I. Only a couple of my friends know, and thank goodness they didn't abandon me. Only one person was judgmental and told me she couldn't be friends with me anymore. All I can say to that is people do not know what they would do unless they are in the situation themselves - I agree with you completely on that. I never told my husband, either, because he never would have forgiven me, even though I honestly regret it and it is over. The pain was (and still is) worse because I feel like I am hiding something from my husband and it is something I am going through privately. I stopped the affair and am glad it's over, but I think about the other guy all the time, and unfortunately, I see him all the time as well, which makes it REALLY hard. He thinks I am fine with the whole thing and we can go back to just "being friends," which has been hard for me. I have tried to distance myself, because I think stopping all contact is the best idea. I think that would really help, but it sounds like you've stopped talking to him already, though. Have you seen a therapist? I started seeing one after one of my friends talked me into it, and just talking about the situation made me feel so much better. I also bought a great book on the topic and it validated what I was going through as well. I hope your situation gets better...I know what you are going through, but try as hard as you can to move on. You deserve to be happy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): All as I know from experience is that you cope with the loss and the pain...you learn to cope but you have to take every day at a time...concentrate on feeling good about yourself again...put effort into looking good..it helps. I gained about 28lbs when I lost my affair but I am on a good diet and am feeling better..take it slowly and mind yourself...the pain doesn't go but you do deal with it and it does ease. Anyway if you have kids you do not have the time to get down for too long cos you still have to be there for them...that is life and life takes over. I cannot make love to my husband either I just can't but you are different to me...I never told him..I sort of felt the pain was private to me..maybe I should have but I didn't.
good luck and time will make it easier...that is the answer I am affraid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I am in the exact same situation. I NEVER thought that I would be the one who would wonder off and fall in love with someone else. I thought that I would be the strong one but it didn't work out that way. Many people can say how wrong it is and to grow up and get a life or whatever it is that we say when we've never been in that situation,but thats the whole point, you don't know what you would do until you are put in that situaion. My husband was very mean to me and made me feel extremely incomplete and he was fully aware of it. Amazingly, he said he was doing it on purpose and he didn't know why. I dealt with it for 6 years...the feeling of depression, low self esteem, incompleteness but at the same time I still loved him and cared for him. Then it happened...I met this man one summer and it started off so completely innocent. Before we knew it we were madly in love with each other. For the first time in years, I was comlete, happy and believe it or not, losing weight. Several people around me noticed how confident and happy I was all of a sudden and well, so did my husband. I could not bear to do this to him any longer and I couldn't take being in our loveless marriage so I told him everything. All of a sudden, he becomes this unbelievable romantic husband. Its like this affair made him realize that he was losing something important. I am grateful, but I felt and still feel like it was a great change but it came too late. I decided to let my affair go to work on us but it has proved unbelievably hard. I've become resentful I guess, I HATE making love to my husband. My closest friend keeps telling me that the feeling will leave in time, but right now, its really hard giving myself to him. I'm still in love with my affair but he doesn't communicate with me anymore. Its hard...I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I'm not financially stable enough to leave my husband and I'm pretty sure he is aware of this, so I'm stuck. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, i would do anything for him...he is a great guy, but I'm not there with him emotionally anymore. We still talk, play around just like before, but underneath, I'm suffering. I keep myself busy so that I can't have time to think about the other man, but when I have just a little time to think, I'm thinking of him and I'm extremely sad. I lose all concentration just thinking of him. I wonder if he EVER thinks of me. I gave almost all of my heart to him. He made me feel like I've never felt. I'm even willing to say that I believe that you can find your soulmate a little too late. That is what happened here with me. I just don't know how to get him out of my mind, I'm so miserable...any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): To the person who wrote on February 4th: Thank you for writing. I do know exactly how you feel, because I am in almost the exact situation as you are (the only difference is I haven't been married for as long as you and I don't have kids). I am glad you are forgiving yourself and focusing on your marriage. The whole process has been painful, but to save my marriage it is worth it, and I know you feel the same way. And to those of you who think you would never be in a situation like this: trust me, I am the absolute last person anyone would think would do something like this and I never thought in a million years that I was capable of doing something like this, either. I always looked down upon men and women who cheated and thought they were terrible people. However, when you are lonely or feeling unappreciated, things can happen. It is more complicated than that, but that's the best way I can think to phrase it. I am not making excuses for my behavior, but I can honestly say I know now how people can cheat. It is the worst decision I ever made, but I see why it happened. Moving on and healing has been so much harder than I thought, but as time goes on, it really has been better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Thanks to the person who wrote on February 4th...I am the one who wrote on January 16th..your story has inspired me..it has helped me and thank you. Things are getting better and I suppose it is true what they say that time is a great healer. I still see him occasionally and it is like a knife in my heart...he flirts outrageously with my friends and I suppose that is what he does, his thing, but I just took it too seriously, I should have known better, I needed him and I wish every day that I hadn't and pray that it will all go. I meet his partner all the time and she constantly tells me and everyone what a perfect life they have together...I guess they do she seems happy...but it hurts..I am trying to move on..I am getting there slowly. I have cut him out of my life where I can so I hope I can keep it together.
Thank you for what you wrote and good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): I am in a similar situation. I never actually had sex with the other man, but we exchanged very long conversations and text messages (God knows those text messages start becoming more addicting than the actual person!). He is married, and I have been married 10 years and have two children,and my husband is WONDERFUL, but I felt ignored and unappreciated at one point, and contacted an ex (him), like an idiot, just to have someone to talk to. You'd be surprised at how many women are judgemental, just like some of the ones on this page, who really don't want to hear that you are going through something, so when you need someone to talk to, you talk to whomever will really hear you out, which most likely is some horn-dog that wants something from you, and at that point you don't even care. Anyway, long story short, I recently ended this "thing" and set up marriage counseling with a Christian counselor, and my husband is aware of everything. I emailed this person and told him that I could no longer have any contact and that I don't want to be the reason he is wrecking his marriage, and vice-versa, and that is that. It is KILLING me not to call! It is killing me not to have any contact at all. ITs amazing how fast you can fall for someone one when they seem to be fulfilling something your spouse isn't, even if its a compliment or a shoulder to cry on. It sounds spoiled, but some of you married women know exactly what I am talking about. Women like to talk, men don't listen and women start fantasizing about cheating, or they just cheat! Anyway, all I can say is that I am just now getting back into praying and church-going ,and my husband and I have laid everything out on the table. I think about the other guy ALL THE TIME, but it gets easier everyday, to move on. All I can say is that time heals everything, and PLEASE keep yourself busy. IF not, you will have time to think about it, and you'll find yourself plotting on how to "accidentally" run into that person, while wearing "this old thing." . I hope this has helped. It felt good to write it, becasue again, this is pretty fresh in my life too and I am at teh beginning stateges of letting go, and forgiving myself, and focusing on my marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Life is getting harder... I am forty and married with 3 lovely children.. I was doing ok i suppose until this guy persued me and chased me for years, he was so funny and made me laugh so much...I fell for him, I tried not to but I did. He made loads of passes at me eventually I responded, then he cut me off, he stopped calling really cut me off completely. I would never call him or make contact but I am broken, I am devasted and I can't get myself together. Maybe for those of us who are lonely we are chosing the wrong guys. I am trying to focus so much on the good things I have in my life but I still bump into him and the pain comes back...it is so stupid and i feel so so stupid.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): As a married woman who has been cheated on, I find it hard to forgive women who cheat with married men. Have alittle respect for your fellow sisters. I could never do that to another woman, as I know how badly it hurts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): i can't believe the response (dated 15th December) what the heck..... firstly, when women marry men, how do they get them...don't think it is always all innonence and love, yeah right, it is calculated and worked out by the women to get the men and it is just that some women are better playing it then others, it is a game, snag him and bag him in alot of cases. So then the women who have the affair are the pits of the earth... that is so unfair maybe they have been totally devasted by a broken relationship or their 'inability to play the game' and then they are the worst in the world cos they need attention and yes they look for it in the wrong places, but they bloody get it and i am sorry but i don't feel 100% sorry for the wives all the time. I am happily married but i can emphatise cos i am a woman and it is a lonely place out there and crap happens. sorry i am cynical but maybe life made me so.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): If it's help you want then try helping yourself by dropping the selfpity. You put yourself into this situation deal with it. You weren't as special as you were tricked into believing...yes tricked! If you don't agree with this....is he calling you anymore? I think you have your answers. You weren't getting any attention you were getting lies....he obviously didn't put any value on you or your so called love affair...if he did, he wouldn't have ran out of your life as fast as he entered it. I think you allowed this affair to flatter you. Cheaters are selfish and immature..... they only take a look at their actions when they are forced to face the consequences after being caught. Only then do they feel bad... when it now works agaisnt them. So if you're looking for pity...I doubt you'll get any. If he can lie to his wife he'll lie to you.... To him you were easy...easy to use...and easy to forget....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): I cannot empathize with you on this one, you caused all of the problems you are now faced with, it's called karma and you have to take responsibility for it now. My husband cheated on me with a co-worker for approximately 5 months. The other women ended the affair about 7 months ago and although he says he knows what he did was wrong, still loves me and feels great guilt over what he did to us, he is going through a lot of depression and is having a difficult time letting go of what they shared. He promises that it is over, but he still works with this women and has to see her on a daily basis, which keeps the wounds fresh and makes it hard to move on. As you can imagine this makes reconnecting hard for us, just when I think we are making a breakthrough, something at work will bring the memories back and we are back at square one again.
I am the wife who has never cheated, but the only reward I get is the job of holding his hand while he pines over another women. So where do you think this leaves me, it leaves me with doubt for the future, fear that they will start seeing each other again, anger that he's having trouble letting go, distust, low self-esteem and a broken heart. The only hope I have is the word of a cheater that after all this he still loves me and want's our marriage to work.
So Please don't try to make the rest of us feel sorry for you because your love affair has ended what's left is the destruction and disaster, that by the way you caused, suck it up and move on, and if you have any respect for your husband be honest with him and give him what he deserves, namely a wife who is ready to commit wholeheardely to their marraige, without all the excess garbage she has brought to her life. Your husband deserves nothing less.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): I'm in a similar situation. I feel like I must have terrible self worth to continue thinking of this guy. Like a previous person wrote, affairs are created upon lies and deceit. There can be nothing good which can come from your affair. This is what I keep telling myself. I'm trying to have dignity and not feel like he must be together with me if he doesn't want to (yet he didn't care when I was uncomfortable about starting a relationship with him, he kept right on aggressively persuing me). I'm trying with all I can to NOT CALL. I'm praying to God to not get me into another situation like this again and to try to give me feelings for my husband and whatever it is I'm missing from my marriage so I don't need to seek elsewhere. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Please for the love of God, that's if you love God, leave the fellow alone. He is trying to do the right thing. Why would you keep setting him back? If you care about him let him go. If you don't care for him and only yourself keep trying your hardest to get him back into a forbidden place that he seems to have finally escaped from!!! Either that or he has moved on to his next affair. Do something good for the atmosphere and pray for him. If that doesn't help you get a vibrator and slowly ween yourself from being a sexual preditor.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): hes not interested in you, painfull but true. he is scared that you will tell his wife, thats the only reason he is answering your calls. you knew he was married.you are both selfish people. all you both cared about was satisfying your own selfish needs. what about your husband and his wife,what about the children involved in this affair.leave the man alone and if your not happy in your marriage get out of it and stop being so selfish.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): Some people actually think that if you're having an affair you should split up from your spouses and pursue it. If either if you won't do it, then maybe that person doesn't want the relationship that badly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): I'm in a very similar situation. My affair break up is very fresh, he is going through a divorce and says he needs to sly under the radat, which he has said before and then we've seen each other. I'm confused and although I care about him I've not allowed myself to fall in love with him which is the defense you HAVE to have up when having an affair or it will eat you alive. Remember that there is deceit and lies to have an affair so how can you trust feelings that come out of it. DO NOT CALL!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): Hi all, I have been agonizing over my husband's "affair" (Emmotional affair) for 10 years. I do trust him now and I know it was the other woman who was provoking the affair, even going to the extreme of coming to our church and sitting next to him in class, while I taught another class; and even to the point of being in the Easter play that year and me giving her the lead part! Its not the fact that he did this, I understand why it happened - it is the fact that he told her he loved her and he felt sorry for her and showed her concern for her "situation" - she had just married an older man for money and didn't love him and he felt "sorry for her" -- I know it was just an excuse. Her first husband was killed in a traumatic construction accident a few months prior, but she was cheating on him when he died! But through her moaning to him everyday about her loveless situation, they developed this attraction. I think it was all planned on her part, but he fell for it hook, line and sinker. Even going to the extreme of "having their own song." We have never had a song! that is the kind of things |
