A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 4 years has started not talking to me for days on end if we argue no matter how petty it is. He tells me daily he doesn't trust me, if anyone smiles or is nice to me he says it's because I have looked at them and this is disrespectful to him. We have a child together and I have two from my previous marriage. He tells me I'm a rubbishy parent and that he dislikes my children calling them sly and dirty. When I challenge him he just says it's all my fault for being a bad parent. Sex stopped after my last child for months and now happens once a month if I'm lucky. He shows me no interest sexually or emotionally and when I tell him this makes me feel unwanted he says it's simple "he will never show me love, until I put the effort into showing it him first". I have found it difficult to adapt since having my last child and moving in together and have been medicated for depression so I know I haven't been the best partner or mum but I feel I have tried.He now tells me on a weekly basis he doesn't want me and Iv ruined his life, I tell him I love him and he calls me fake and a liar, he doesn't like my family and we have nothing to do with his as they would never accept me or our baby.I want to feel loved and wanted that is it. I work mon-Friday so the silent treatment normally happens weekends but has now become every week end and it's getting me so down, he says he needs to cool off.......is this reasonable when me and the kids have to be in the same house but can't approach him and he ignores his own son?????
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 You need to be strong and leave him. You are scared by his threats, because that is what he wants. But Sweetie think off your children, they are in danger living with this monster. He could turn on them at any time. Also he is probably mentally doing them children long term damage by calling them names, if you are not strong enough to leave for yourself then leave for your children. Just because he is not working does not mean he cannot be made to pay maintenance. You and your children's safety should come first. When you both met, he was putting on an act, this is the real him, and he is not going to change.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016): You are with an abusive man. I notice you are in the UK. Please contact Womens Aid main contact number or email them and explain what you are experiencing including his threats. They are not just there for women who are physically attacked. They will support you to understand what is wrong and how to look after yourself and get out of a bad situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016): Sadly you fell under the spell of a charming manipulative con man who preyed upon a vulnerable young woman by playing to your neediness and insecurity, and now that he's lured you in he is showing his true self: a controlling, verbally abusive scumbag whose goal is for you to bend to his will. Everything he does/says is to elicit exactly the response he wants from you. Do you really want your children to grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable behavior for a man to be an abusive, controlling, uncaring, narcissistic bully and for a woman to serve as his doormat. Adults live what they learned as children. You need to start taking steps to extricate yourself from this toxic environment for your children's emotional well-being and your own physical safety. Contact your local domestic violence hotline, women's shelter, hospital emergency room or police station to get in touch with trained professionals who can provide the information and resources you need to make a safe, clean break from him as well as the mental health services you so desperately need.Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 August 2016):
 Oh sweetheart. I really feel for you. You and your children deserve so much better than this abusive low life. You probably don't see that at the moment because (a) you are hanging on to the person he was during the honeymoon period of your relationship (anyone can keep up an act for a short while, which is obviously what he was doing), and (b) your are probably feeling vulnerable and helpless because of your depression.If you are working all week, and he is not working at all, is he in charge of the kids when you are at work? If he is calling them names with you around, how do you think he is with them when you are not around? I can guarantee, he will NOT be acting any better when he is alone with them. How do you think that makes your kids feel?Whether you acknowledge it or not, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. He has trodden down your self esteem to such a point that you think you don't deserve any better than the vile treatment he hands out to you.Nobody can give you the strength to do what you should do, only YOU can do that. Re family and employers, in your shoes I would report his threats to the police, asking for them to be put on record in case he has the balls to harm anyone in the future (in my experience bullies like him are all talk and are only brave when handing out rough treatment to a lone woman). Secondly, I would speak to your employers and put them in the picture about what is happening, what you plan to do and what he has threatened. Please acknowledge that you and your children deserve better. Ask your family and your ex for support and get yourself and your children away from this low life. His threats to commit suicide are not your problem. This is just emotional blackmail to keep you under his control. Don't fall for it. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Can I ask what exactly you want to save about this relationship ?
Excuse my French but this guy sounds like an absolute nob head. I've not seen a single positive in the whole question, therefore I'm struggling to see a reason why you would want to do anything about it.
The main priority in your life should be your kids right now and he's had the sheer cheek to call them names. I'm sorry, but that would be a deal breaker for most parents. If he won't even look after his own kid then you and your children have no hope.
To keep this short, this guy is a dead beat and he's making you feel worthless, get rid of him before it's too late, who knows if things could start turning physically violent to you and your own children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): Also he is threatning to harm my family members and my job because he is friends with my management
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): Our child was planned, the first year of the relationship was the best thing ever. He was a complete different person. He doesn't work so child support is out of the question. I look after the children but there dad my ex is a wonderful father and if Ever I struggle he is more than happy to help out. I try to keep my children sheltered from any of this but can't help but feel they pick up on the awful atmosphere at home. I must sound stupid but really I'm not and I know I need to end this now but he makes me feel sorry for him and threatens suicide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): When a man attacks your kids and tells you they're rubbish, never mind you; it's time for him to go. Stop telling him you love him, if he can't say it back. What adults say to and in-front of children can seriously traumatize them.
Why this sudden change after 4 years? I think this guy is done with family-life. He's not married to you; so he's itching for his freedom. His cruelty towards the children should not be tolerated.
Your relationship with this guy has reached a level of abuse, and your wanting to be loved can't top the priority of the children being in a stable and safe environment. When he verbally abuses you, he also upsets the kids.
You had better get it together; because you're going to have to be a single-mom. You can't afford to be a mess.
Time to make a decision, and you know what it is. Start legal action for child-support. He has clearly told you he doesn't want you, and he's doing his best to make you leave him. He no longer wants to offer financial-support to you and the extra children. His behavior is the behavior of man cutting himself loose and ready to move on. He doesn't know how to deal with your mental-health issues.
If you're suffering depression, who's minding the kids?
Get your legal ducks in a row, and let him go. Put the children first. You'll find love when you get your life in order. Work on yourself. The children love you, that should suffice. The kids are going to need you at your best. Get your act together, and get him away from those kids until he can behave in a civil manner. He should only be allowed supervised visits to his own child.
It's likely he has already found someone else, and all that finger-pointing and distrust seems fishy. Was the child between you a surprise, or was the child planned?
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