A
female
age
30-35,
*.Helen.x
writes:hi..ok i know this isnt about relationships but im desperate. my mum is currently on the waiting list for a kidney, both of hers are failing and we are running out of time, we've been told she won't get one in time so we need to consider being donors for her. no one in my family will though as she left me and my brothers with my dad when i was 6. she was an alcoholic so everyone believes its self inflicted and she got what she deserved as she caused alot of pain. they also say it will be pointless as it wont cure all her other problems. she is very ill an suffers from dementia,diabetes, has no sight, an is slowly losing her hearing. dovters say she only has maybe a few years left. i want to be tested to see if i can donate but my family dont want me to. i am 18. i love my mum very much. i only recently got back in contact with her last year when i heard she was ill and unfortunatly she could barely remember me. she didnt know who i was as i had left it too late to get back in contact. i no longer visit her as i cant bear to see her in that way.i havnt seen her in months. she will need a pancreas operation after the kidney operation and there is no garuntee she will survive, she has previously suffered 2 cardiac arrests. please help. do i go against my family and get tested to see if i can donate? im scared to but i dont want her to die. please help me. i am so lost and confused, i still have anger and pain for her leaving me when i was younger and it hurts that she doesnt remember me but i remember her as the most funny amazng lovely woman and an amazing mum, and i miss that person. i want her to live but my family say she will never recover but she may just live a couple of yesrs longer as her body is slowly shutting down. but isnt that better than nothing? what do i do i am so lost. any advice would be greatly appreciated. i am desperate. thankyou
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Wow, sorry for weighing in on this late, but on the 4th of July, I was in the hospital recovering from a kidney transplant myself.
From my experience, kidney tranplant saved my life. I feel so incredible now that it's happened. Being free from dialysis (which I was on 7 months before transplant) is indescrible joy to me.
I suffered from a genetic kidney disease which shut down my kidneys. I had no other problems (i.e. diabetes, etc.).
I would say that if kidney issues was all that your mom was dealing with, go for it. My brother donated his kidney to me, and he is back doing all the stuff he's done with absolutely no effects of the surgery whatsoever.
However, you said that your mom also needs a pancreas and has dementia and has two cardiac arrests. I am surprised they'd let her consider transplant because of the other health issues she's suffering from. You have to take that into account as well. Will your kidney donation allow her to live longer? I would tell you that it wouldn't, though it WOULD improve her quality of life for the few years she has left.
Kidney surgery for even a young person plus the immunosuppressive therapy is not an easy thing to go through. It's extremely painful and recovery is slow and tedious. The drugs they give you are hardcore with some tough side effects. If she has dementia, who's to say that she'll remember to do everything she's supposed to do to maintain the kidney? It would not be cool to donate a kidney to her, only to have her not take care of herself and have the kidney rejected by her immune system.
Honestly, I don't think they'll allow her to have the surgery due to her other health issues (the cardiac arrests make the transplant surgery far riskier), and based on her need for a pancreas, I'm thinking that the kidney transplant will not add any time to her life whatsoever.
You are a hero for even being willing to be tested. I speak from experience. I would enjoy the time you have with your mom and work on making your last memories with her your best one.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Hi
I had a close freind with kidney failure and he went on to Dialysis three times a week. He was 60 at the time. The treatment was for a few hours and obviously he had bad days when he was tired, but he actually still had a reasonably good quality of life and managed to have a holiday overseas where the nurses arrange with other hospitals. If you think your mother may only have a few years left Dialysis may be a good choice.
You sound like a wonderful daughter and compationate human being, your love and devotion to your mother is beautiful.
Other peoples nasty selfish comments that say because she was an alcoholic she deserves it...complete rubbish no she does not deserve it. Some parents stuff their faces with cream cakes and sugar but do they deserve blocked arteries etc ? not in my opinion.
You remain giving love and support to your mother in making the rest of her life worth living but you do not need to give her your kidney JUST YOUR LOVE , that could make a difference to her life and her WILL TO LIVE.
Good luck ,you are a special person and i hope the minds of those with bitterness never jade or infect your memories and love for YOUR MOTHER.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 July 2010):
 If your mum was in good health aside from the kidney problems then I would say yes, you should get tested to see if you could donate.
But the problem here is that she is a very ill lady, and the chances are she wont survive much longer regardless of if she has your kidney or not. So really what you would be doing is going through a very serious surgery, putting your own life at risk, and then even subjecting yourself to further risks later on in your life - all for a lady you barely know and who wont be able to make the most of such a generous action as donating a kidney.
I think if your mum was in a sound state of mind she would not want you to do this for her - her life is coming to an end and her body has started shutting down. She would not be able to carry on living a normal healthy life even if she had your kidney - she has too many other illnesses so she will still be tied to doctors and hospitals for the remainder of her life. Whereas you are only 18 and have your whole life ahead of you - I'm sure your mum would not want you to risk your own life in surgery and then be more susceptible to illness in the future all to give her maybe a year or two more. She would want you to live your life to the full and be happy, not risking your life just to give her a little more time.
I know this will be hard for you, and in a way you are right in thinking it is good to give someone even 1 extra day on this earth because every day is precious. But when you have dementia, you dont even know where you are. So yes you might be giving her more time but she wont realise it, she will just be in pain from the surgery, and wont really know what is going on. Have you actually thought it might be kinder for her just to slip away naturally, to end her pain and suffering and to allow her to be in peace? If she gets a new kidney she will only be suffering for longer and for what - for another few years in a hospital bed?
I think the question here is quality of life - will her quality of life improve if you give her your kidney? And the answer is no, she will still be very ill, going through lots of pain and more operations. So if giving her such a vital organ in your body is not going to improve her life, then is it really something you should do? Again we are back at the "every day is precious" idea which is true - but does that mean that we have to suffer for longer just because we are trying to prolong our lives? Surely less time on this earth when we are happy and healthy is better than living a long time in pain and suffering?
You are a very brave young lady and it is amazing that you still want to do such a thing despite the way your mum has treated you - you clearly are a very special person with a lot of love to give. But I think your mum is fighting a losing battle and this is not a battle you should get involved in. Just the fact you are willing to do this for her is enough - you have clearly shown your love for her and it is a wonderful gesture.
I think it is best to remember your mum in the lovely way you do, when she was happy and funny, not watching her fight a losing battle, even with your kidney.
You are going to go through a tough time and you will feel guilty I'm sure, but sometimes you just have to let go. Your mum is slowly letting go now, and now you have to as well. I am really sorry for you, I cant imagine how much this hurts but stay strong and keep talking to your family about how you feel, and support each other in all this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 July 2010):
 What did they say about dialysis? I know many people who for many reasons cannot have a transplant but do well having dialysis, including the peritoneal dialysis previously mentioned.
She frankly doesn't sound like a very good candidate for a kidney transplant, with dementia leading the list of problems. If she did get a kidney transplant from you or anyone, she'd have to take medications to prevent rejection and would have to be compliant with the course of treatment.
It sounds like there is a great deal of pain and hurt and unresolved feelings there. I think maybe getting some counseling for this prior to offering a kidney would be in order. A quality transplant unit would do a psychiatric assessment of both donor and recipient, so you'd be looking at this painful and unhappy history anyway. I think facing it would be a good idea so you can find some closure and healing.
Best wishes for you and your family.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (4 July 2010):
 I really don't think that you should do this. I don't think that your mother would want you to.
My own father, who I adored, died of complications of Kidney failure about 6 years ago. He refused to even be put on the list for a Kidney as he felt it was wrong for an older man to take a kidney that might otherwise go to help someone younger. He would have thrown himself down the stairs before taking a kidney from any of his children.
My father got 4 extra years from a wonderful technology called Peritoneal Dialysis which can be done at home without having to travel to hospital for dialysis sessions. Sadly I don't think that this would be suitable for your mum because the patient has to set up the machine themselves and it is quite fiddly to do. I would though strongly recommend it to others who have kidney failure and who don't want to spend a big chunk of their time in a hospital dialysis ward. Whilst he was on dialysis my father was able to take multiple holidays in France, Australia, Kenya, Spain rather than being tied to a dialysis ward.
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