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I want the best for her and do love her but am not "in love" with her. Is this just a phase?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2007) 2 Answers - (Newest, 29 April 2007)
A male Canada age 41-50, *ormented writes:

I have been married for a year to a great girl who deserves better than me. We don't have any kids. I had some doubts right before we got hitched but (foolishly) ignored them. There are no really serious problems; it's just "not there". I want the best for her and do love her but am not "in love" with her. I have tried telling her this and have done everything but leave. She just tries harder to make things better and I feel even more guilty. I've thought about couples counseling, but I just don't think it will fix things because of how I feel. I can't get the guts to break it off because she loves me so much it would devastate her. I doubt there's anyone else out there that could be more into me than she is. I'm also afraid of how upset both of our families will be with me, but I can't imagine spending the rest of my life "settling" on her. Is this just a phase? Or maybe I have perfectionist issues or something? I don't know what to do.

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A female reader, MamaMia United States +, writes (29 April 2007):

Hi...I've read alot of these posts on marriage and I really do think they reflect our culture on the way we look at marriage. Honestly, I think you really ought to take a good hard look at yourself. Don't beat yourself up, just be PRO-active and DO something about this...Why did you marry her to begin with? Marriage is SUPPOSED TO BE a COMMITMENT..., NOT based on emotional whims. Look at your own past...what roll model, as far as how to be a husband, did YOU have? A passive, or absent father? If you had one around, it doesn't sound like he taught you how to take personal responsibility, rather than RUNNING from it. And your age shows your 30-35? When I first read your post, I assumed you were much younger...like early 20s and still needed to grow up. I honestly believe, if you leave her, you will FOREVER REGRET LOOSING WHAT YOU HAD. She is green grass on YOUR side of the fence. Honestly Buddy, do you think this problem will cease to exist when you're rid of her? I think the problem is in YOUR CHARACTER, and you will never be happy until you find a way to grow as a man. I would suggest a course called "Quest for Manhood"... it is something my husband took... it's FREE and is as good if not SO much better than YEARS of counseling and THOUSANDS of dollars. He grew so much from it...Groups of men all over the US are taking this course and it is EXCELLENT at addressing so many things, one is about your past and how it made you who you are...but it also gives you a game plan. I DO think you need some good direction and I'd highly recommend this course. I'm NOT recommending it for your sweet girl...If you leave her, don't you know she'll find someone who's deserving of her? I'm recommeding this for YOUR BENEFIT, because I honestly believe this problem will follow you until you take the bull by the horns and decide to address WHY you are where you are. DOn't be a "guy" who runs from responsibility, be a MAN who is aware of a problem and decides to handle it the responsible way... if there's a problem, address it and do whatever it takes. If you love her, explain to her that this is NOT a reflection of who SHE is, but something you weren't aware about yourself until now, and want to fix. You are a married man now with the responsibility of a precious wife. Don't go AWOL on us. Find out about Quest for Manhood and dive in. My husband made some great friends and they all still encourage each other...it's all married men in the trenches together. Married life is NOT a piece of cake. Be aware too of the advice you seek...If you want to be encouraged to leave her, you'll go to other divorced guys who will condone leaving her. It seems miserable people want company... Go to guys who have MADE their marriages sucessful...go seek WISE counsel, if you want WISE advice. Or if you DON"T want to make WISE choices, just go to someone who will tell you what you WANT to hear! God Bless! -Mia

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A female reader, Cateyes United States +, writes (28 April 2007):

Cateyes agony auntBefore thinking of a possible divorce, I really would consider couples counseling...what do you have to lose? If anything, this may be the place you both need to be in where the understanding/really communicating towards each other is expressed openly enough where you have a counselor in the room. If you really are not "in love' with her, maybe she also needs to hear it another way - this way. Last thing you should be thinking is what my/her family will say, etc...this is your life. Lastly, IF you choose to seek counseling, who knows, you could fall in love with her (again maybe?)...and have forgotten maybe why you did marry her and want to be with her. You may and may not be going through something in your life right now to say all this, I don't know, but I would give it my best shot, that way YOU will feel better if you indeed decide to divorce. Best of Luck and I do wish you the best.

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