A
male
age
36-40,
*oul832016
writes:I'm having some emotional problems and troubles with my wife. I wanted to post the question here before I seek the support of counselling.My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. It was rough in the first couple of years but things have improved greatly. She is 30 and I'm 32. We are trying for a baby and will be moving into our new home in a couple of weeks time.I work shift work and study part time at uni to become an RN. My wife works in real estate and because it is a Chinese company with Chinese clients, the best time for her to contact them is in the evening after they finish their jobs. Subsequently, she can attend the office in the afternoon and work until 10 or 11pm to do online research and meet clients.This leaves very little time for each other. It's more noticeable on the days where I need to sleep early. She will come home from work late and turn on lights and make noise which creates tension.In terms of my own emotional well-being, I often feel worn out and neglected. More so because we have so little time for each other. But there is one major issue we have in the bedroom and it's about the way I feel she is treating me disrespectfully. She never really has much mood for sex. When we do the act, she gets impatient, says she has no feeling and then asks for the computer to view porn with headphones instead. Last night was the second time that she just lied there and told me to get on with it to finish. I explained I cannot do the act or perform if she has a bad attitude. I need some sort of feeling or reaction from her! She lied there closed her eyes and said she was going to sleep and to get it over with to get her pregnant!! It took protesting to get her to participate. Afterwards she seemed happy and wanted to chat and look at my eyes. Saying my eyes are talking to her and she can see the hurt.I'm fed up with her impatience and hurting me with the porn. It just makes me feel like crap and that I am not a turn on for her. She kind of understands but can't seem to change. She did acknowledge that I appear to be much more educated than her and she acknowledged what I told her before about how important love is and the foundations of respect. But it hasn't fully sunk in for her.If she keeps hurting me, I worry that one day I'm going to reach a point where I leave or find a connection somewhere else. I'm only human after all.She won't go to counselling and she used to blame us being together too long and being like family. I hate that excuse. It's like a cop out for not having to put effort into thinking about your commitment to your spouse. If I had a problem with her that prevented me from having any feelings in that way for her, I would seek help and think about how to work with her to repair it. You see, I want to be married for the rest of my life and build a happy life.Her not having any feeling despite my best efforts physically and then asking for the porn is like a huge slap in the face.Maybe I should say that to her? Just tell her that viewing porn is the same as her slapping my face as hard as she can. I want to get romance and commitment to each other going. Exploration or mutual desire to love each other. Not just a "here to get it over and done with"... Am I too sensitive or being too soft as a man to have those thoughts?
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male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (31 August 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually you're right. She isn't acting like a partner and not being much of a companion. Just putting work first all the time. Every year disappointed because she won't celebrate birthdays.
I'm starting to wonder why I still bother with her. She is only good for earning money and not much else. In a few months we will be reaching our 5th wedding anniversary. No presents and no celebration. It's as though even the marriage hardly matters. Like it'should all on paper only.
I criticised her heavily in the past and told her all manner of things from my expectation, cultural differences, how it hurts me, how I wouldn't want our children see us not bother with each other etc. It never sunk in for her.
I'm so disappointed. She went to pick up her own musical instrument from the city and to work in her office instead. Said something about coming home earlier but I doubt it. I'll be going to work before she comes home. Almost guarantee it.
Look I'm not going to cheat on her. I do have good morals. But I'm not going to hang around forever being neglected. There are lots of nice women out there that think the world of their husbands and would do anything for them. I need a bit of that kind of wife in my life. Someone that still values me and sees me as a priority.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2016): It seems you are going around in a circle. You won't make a major decision; and you constantly rationalize your way out of coming to a final decision about the fate of your marriage. She simply doesn't listen to you, because you may be asking something of her that she cannot give you. As I said before, she may have only married you, because culture and her parents pressured her to marry. It may not have been driven by love and passion. To lie and tell you get it over with is absolutely cruel and uncaring.
You're two young people. Your lives seem to revolve around working and accumulating things. You mention nothing of why you fell in-love with this woman, and why you married her?
Did you not have a preview of how married-life would be with this woman? Did she suddenly transform into someone totally different from the woman you courted and then became engaged to? How was sex before marriage? Was there any romantic affection exchanged to give you reason to fall in-love; or was it infatuation from the very start?
Sir, it just seems to me you're just not happy being married. You seem to have married on a whim; and you don't seem to know the woman you married. By your description, she is just a roommate who splits expenses and lives with you. You want affection from her, but I'm willing to speculate it was never there to start with.
You may not want to divorce her now;, but by the long descriptions of your unhappy marriage, I'd say it is inevitable. I think she will eventually ask you if you don't ask her first. Children entering this sad marriage would be a total disaster. Moving her parents in is even more trouble, because they will see she has no love for you. Parents know their children. Trust me, they will interfere on her behalf, thinking they're helping in some way. I think it will help you. Putting on a daily facade of a happy marriage for their sake will exhaust you.
Please don't say you will not return with anymore of your concerns. That's what we're here for. We don't expect you to do as we instruct you to do. We hope to bring you comfort and food for thought. The decisions of how you apply the advice is entirely up to you.
You can only endure unhappiness and the lack of sex and affection for only so long. Necessity dictates. In the end, your needs will become your priority. You will do whatever necessary to find your happiness. It doesn't seem to be with your wife. Don't contemplate affairs. Man-up and end the marriage before you start looking for what you need from other women. Maintain good character and make moral and sensible decisions.
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male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (27 August 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI decided to anonymously sign up to a dating site and swapped question/answers with some users. They cannot see my photo and I cannot see theirs.But their answers included stuff like romantic together, something that's special and unique as a couple and the need to feel like a priority in their partner's life. When I hear that stuff, I feel a little more confident that I can have so much more than the life I have now.
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male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (27 August 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I appreciate the comments and input. Fair point about her not being consistently abusive. Some of you mentioned being able to make a claim on the property and I think that's a fairly reasonable expectation once I have proven my contribution by paying the bills towards it for a number of months.I have to face the reality that we just don't relate well and that if I'd been planning for companionship and someone to spend my life with, I had made a big mistake. How do you tell someone you feel that way when they have invested so much into a life with you?How do you tell them that you're so unhappy that you aren't sure about sticking by their side after moving into the first home together?All of this could be resolved by just 3 so very simple actions: good communication, a greater desire for each other and more time spent together.I tried to call her this afternoon to ask about the apartment number of our new home and she was frustrated and said she was so worried about her work and the clients' problems that she didn't have time to talk with me. She hung up. Tonight she is going with her cultural group to see a performance.Our lack of time for each other to see a movie, sithe and talk or even have some fun together is just non existent. So I feel used and like I need to get away to find a better companion to share my life with. Because I am left at home alone whilst she runs around having a good time. Two years ago I felt upset for that and now the feelings are returning. A year ago I thought about just staying in the home for 6 months and then just leaving and making a claim towards it. I can't see much changing in my mind from following through on these actions.Perhaps that's selfish because she has worked so damn hard over these 4 years to get us ahead at a rate that's unheard of for young couples. Without her, I wouldn't have anything at all. My parents say that I should appreciate her hard work more. For me, I found it easier to make myself more busy with work and uni to advance the family and prevent me sitting around feeling upset about our lack of time together.For me, it's basically two aspects: the way I'm brushed off when she is working and the way she so often goes out to enjoy herself but forgets that I'm left behind.She's not a superhuman though. I tell myself what right on Earth do I have to be so demanding of her since she already works so bloody hard.But my personality is more caring and enjoys that time together and the feeling of having someone who is thinking of me!I know I have to start being more of a leader in getting what I want. Yesterday was a case in point where I called her at work and convinced her to join me for a drive to see my parents. Granted she was shaken up by the calls from her clients crying about their impending financial ruin. It's like whenever we go out together, it's boring and uneventful. Maybe that's why she doesn't bother with me anymore?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2016):
 My apologies for making the wrong assumptions. I take due note that you are working full time and earning enough to cover all your expenses and so intend to do in the next future with all likelihood of success. (... although... not to be Negative Nellie, but... when you were covering 95% of all expenses , you did not have a full mortgage to pay off )
Does this change a lot the gist of the matter ?... IMO, not really : my point is still that, however things go in your own working life, you have the security that your a.. is covered anyway, now that your wife is involved in this purchase, has shelled out the whole deposit, is earning good money, and surely does not want to lose the house no matter what.
The point is also that, according to your own descriptions, your wife is a powerhouse of a hard working, ambitious, money oriented woman, and it's because of her that not only you find yourself reformed into a much more goal- oriented, efficient individual than your normal laid back self would be, but also you can live in relative ease, comfort and security with probably more to come. Gone are the days of renting a single room in somebody's house, taking dead end jobs or having to pinch pennies for your snacks , as you used to tell us yourself.
It seems that you are facing a choice between " being " and " having ", between security and independence , between comfort and ... welll, happiness.
Between the good things that you can buy and own and count if she is beside you... and the good things you could FEEL if she were not.
It's a hard choice, I realize it. In fact, call me materialistic but tbh I do not think that anybody can call himself happy and fulfilled unless they reach a reasonable minimum standard in term of finances and status.
The problem is, WHERE do you set this standard at for yourself, ( if you need a fancy car , a big house , etc. ) and, most of all, what price are you willing to pay for it.
Staying in an abusive relationship like yours sounds like a high price to pay, but only you can decide if it's too high or not. ( Btw, of course she is not always contemptuous ; if she had been always contemptuous , and verbally and physically abusive, day in day out- by now even you would have been sick and tired and would have taken French leave ! She only gives you enough respite and enough attention, every now and then, to let you think : well, maybe she ain't that bad after all, .. and to make sure you stay around, compliant and hopeful till the next explosion. Textbook abuser 's behaviour ).
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (26 August 2016):
 You can get out of a mortgage and a marriage, what you cant get out of is child support and forever being tied to this woman by parenthood.
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male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (26 August 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's not always contemptuous. I worked full time 50-60 hrs per week in that liquor store on top of full time and part time study. I have been taking breaks in the study and studying part time. Always working full time to pay all the bills and the car loan etc.
I did change my job to the healthcare industry with better wages and conditions. 38 hrs per week full time work.
Again, I want to make it very clear that I have worked very hard and still do..I have no time to myself in fact. Even my wife has noticed that I am way more busy than she is. All I do is work and study!
So please do not get the wrong impression and assume I'm working part time. When in fact I have worked full time all along to pay rent, food, health insurance, car loan, certificate related to nursing etc. I covered 95% of the bills with my wife helping to pay anything that my lower wages didn't cover since she works on commission only.
Now these days she is affectionate and nice but we haven't solved the situation in the bedroom. She did treat me badly as you said. I nearly left previously because of it.
She works damn hard and is the driving force behind organising the properties and earning the large commissions. Think 10k per property settled (1k up front and the rest when the property settles as they're off the plan). My parents remind me tray because of her, I have changed in a good way to earn more and that I am lucky to have her because we have a nice car, our first home and 2 other investment properties on the way to completion. All within 5 years which is remarkable I know. I couldn't have achieved all this on my own. Not with my wages. I've been able to eat at nice restaurants regularly and have a relatively comfortable life outside the home.
Now I'm adjusting to a saving way of thinking to ensure the upcoming mortgage commitments can be met.
So you can see that I'm stuck between two things. A marriage that works on the surface but has a number of issues that annoy me such as the bedroom one!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2016): You seem to be a kind, gentle, introspective soul but for whatever reason(s) you're apparently incapable of accepting the reality of and/or making rational decisions regarding an ongoing domestic relationship that can best be politely described as hellish.
I'm not a mental health professional but I can only suspect that the two of you are feeding off deep-seated needs and filling gaping emotional voids in each of your lives and that's what's driving you to hold on to a mutually dysfunctional, mutually unhealthy, mutually destructive, sick, twisted, abusive relationship.
I can only suggest that you avail yourself of your uni's student counseling service; you need the help of a trained, experienced, neutral third-party to hopefully gain the insight to recognize your issues and the tools needed to resolve them.
In the meantime I can only implore you to NOT have children with her. No child deserves to be born into such a volatile, tenuous, drama-filled, unloving home.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 August 2016):
Yes, we do know that your issues have been going on for a long time- since the beginning, in fact. You are the one who seems to ignore it !
Of course you want romance and committment, that's natural- I just wonder how you would expect it from this marriage and this woman ?...As if you did not know all that has been going on, and if we have to go by what you say yourself, it has been 8 years of ongoing incompatibility, disrespect and abuse .Yes ,abuse. At least you told us that in a few occasions she lost it and physically attacked you, once to the point of leaving you deep, bad scratches on your arms ( or face, I don't remember ). That's abuse. Let's not forget the emotional abuse, like intimidating you by explosions of fury when she smashes dishes and stuff, and when she even cruelly made fun of you because of some physical flaw or imperfection that you have ( something to do with your eyes, right ? ).
That's abuse, you are in an abusive relationship, you always have been- and now you lament the absence of " romance " ? Ah.
It's as if you said : " I want a cake. I want it to be tasty, moist, sweet and sugary " . Sure, but why then you went out and bought , say, fish, garlic, pepper and tomato ? rather than the ingredients for a cake ? How can you even hope to get a cake from the ingredients for fish stew ?
Sure enough, now from what you say you painted yourself in a corner. You would be forced to choose between getting back your freedom ( and some peace of mind ) and owning a house . Let me be cynical and suggest, that, since I don't believe that you care much about fredom and peace of mind, since you have been putting up with all this turmoil for 8 years , and I think that ownership is your priority,- you just put up a brave smile, and see the glass half full. After all, she payed 100% of the deposit , enabling you to get a house you haven't paid an inch of yet. Sure, you are meant to pay all the mortgage- but, tbh, there are reasonable doubts that you will be able to do it, at least in the next future. Some time ago you were working *part-time * in a poorly pais job at a liquor store. Now, this may have changed, but if you are back in school and studying to be a RN, it's reasonable to assume that you can't keep a full time, qualified job. It will still be a part time, and part earnings. Maybe in Australia is different ? but in the rest of the globe it would be an extra hard feat supporting yourself, paying your share of the bills AND paying off a full mortgage with that. And raising a child too ?!...
Chances are that , at least for the next couple of years or so , pretty soon you won't be able to meet your obligations, and your wife will have to bail you out. I am dead sure she would not want to lose the house either, so she'll intervene and pay whether you can make all the payments on your own , or not.
It's not such a bad deal. You get a roof on your head, and oficial ownership of the house in your name only , - even if you don't pay what you should. It's a convenient situation. Who knows, perhaps to you it's worth the aggravation of having to live with an unloving, openly contemptuous wife.
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male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (26 August 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I will not be coming back here with new issues. Some of you know that this issue has been ongoing for a long time.I haven't ignored her wishes in bed. We have just experienced difficulty in that department and it has been hard for many years to fix that (unsuccessfully). You're not being too personal by asking the question about abuse. As far as I am aware, she has never been abused nor have I. We met when we were in our mid 20s. Eight years has passed.We don't have children yet. But I'm happy to share the extent of the commitment we are making at the moment. Our first home has been built. We are moving into it in three weeks time.One month after that, her parents are coming to live with us. It's a two bedroom apartment. I just started a new job so I won't be travelling around with them to show them our country. That will be up to my wife. I will stay home and work to take care of my new job and the mortgage.Thanks for telling me what's right and what is normal and that I am not crazy to have been expecting so much more.I feel ashamed that I found myself secretly liking one of my classmates. I study nursing and most of my classmates are around 18 or 19 years old. Much younger. I like this girl and worked with her in the tutorial group yesterday. I kept distance though. If I was single, I would feel tempted to ask her out but I think she would have been creeped out by a guy more than 10 years older than her doing that.Some of you are suggesting to divorce. But I have just signed up a mortgage! Her parents are coming to live out here so I imagine that splitting up the house would be a waste of time anyway. I bet a court would rule in favour of her and her parents because they need a place to live (unless her parents were told to go back home).I actually had the thoughts just yesterday that she is getting everything going her way in that she now has a life in Australia, new home and her parents are coming as well.You know, she is very open and chatty with almost everyone but with me, because I'm much quieter, she is very different and quiet with not much talking. A mate of mine reckons this is completely normal because there is no personal connection to the people outside of a relationship so she can act and big note herself without being told off.Our relationship is serious with not much talking and definitely not much fun. It's just not a relaxed and talkative relationship with free flowing talk.That's disappointing and I keep reminding myself that she isn't the right person for me because of our lack of connection and practical style of communication.So there you have it, the real background behind our relationship and the communication dynamic as I perceive it. Obviously I'm influenced by my feelings in how I describe everything.I'll just finish up by mentioning one more thing. There has been an ongoing issue of her talking with others in a way that makes herself look good but sort of looks down on me eg. our landlord was asking some things about us sharing our only car and how he thinks I should get a new car. I wasn't there for the conversation but he told me about it later. Apparently my wife's words were 'he doesn't need a new car, a second hand cheap car will do him'...I just think if her attitude is such that I can just get whatever, that I shouldn't stay in this marriage for a moment longer.I have no idea about the property situation though. What that means in terms of me having the mortgage and property in my name. She contributed 100% of the deposit for it. But I will be paying the mortgage. Her parents are only staying on a temporary 12 month visiting visa and can go home and at any time. They had to prove that they have a home and significant assets to return home to before they were granted the visa.I read online that I should live in the home for a minimum 6 months and show contributions to the mortgage before making any major decisions. Since I'm paying for the home and taking on the mortgage, I want to stay in the home. I don't know about splitting the property. I haven't come to that at all. My focus is on moving in and being able to keep up with the repayments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2016): Sorry to be so harsh but you've been complaining about how this narcissistic, manipulative, conniving bee-otch has been psychologically castrating you for years and yet you keep letting her get away with whatever she wants.
Agree with singingbluebird, what you need to do is FINALLY grow a pair and file for divorce and get her out of your life. Trying for a baby? Jee-zus, no child deserves to have that sociopathic harpy for a mother.
As often previously stated I know you'll ignore the sound advice you've been giving and will be back with a new issue.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (26 August 2016):
 My dear you've had enough time to know and experience what it's like to be miserable, unloved and disrespected... you have no understanding (or experience) of what it’s like to be normal. You fear the shame of failure of your marriage if you were to walk away and fear seeking happiness with someone else?
Now do you serious want to plan having babies; given that your children will suffer at the hands of this unstable unloving spouse? Someone who will infect the innocent too disrespect you as she does you? Is this the proud legacy you want for them? Whatever her problems are, you must be living in a fantasy world thinking children are the next appropriate step to take?
Plus I wager soon after any child is born she will head overseas to her family as she's done before and not come back!? (Be careful of signing release papers regarding an infant traveling overseas from Australia.)
Sadly I believe you’ve invested 8 years of your life into the wrong person who has been remarkably hostile towards you from the beginning, as per previous posts. Yet you ignored this health warning and moved forward to invest money into building a house together and still there’s no happily ever after.
The foundation you’ve built your marriage and house on is like building on quick-sand. All that you hope and wished for will sink further into despair. A legacy for children I wish not.
Take Care – CAA
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (26 August 2016):
 Obviously I meant *hurt* and not birth in my previous post. Additionally, I wanted to ask of there has ever been a history of sexual abuse in her past. I know that's very personal, but that could also cause her to behave that way toward sex. Best of luck.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 August 2016):
"Am I too sensitive or being too soft as a man to have those thoughts?" God no. Who could blame you? That would be incredibly upsetting and hurtful to anyone, male or female alike.
What that does is chip away at your self confidence and self esteem over time. Your partner shouldn't be literally closing her eyes and saying get it over with. That would crush me.
In an ideal world, both partners are sexually attracted to one another and love the physical chemistry they have with one another. It obviously builds self confidence, but also is an integral part of a relationship. It bonds the partners together.
I think it's quite unfair you have to endure this and I'm very sorry. She really should seek counseling with you. To refuse it indicates a bit of apathy on her part to recognize your feelings and to fix something that's troublesome within your relationship.
You need to decide how much of this behavior you can take and for how long. You can't force her to change or at least try to work on it if she's completely unwilling. That leaves few options open for you. I know for me, I could not live the rest of my life feeling the awful way I'd know I'd feel if I were in your shoes. It would be a definite deal-breaker for me.
I suggest a LONG sit down and heart to heart explaining just how serious and hurtful this is. And explain that you can't live like this anymore and need a change or you'll have to move on. She needs to know the magnitude of birth you're feeling.
One last thought. Has she mentioned anything in the past about anything she needs in bed? Has she asked you to do anything different or given you any feedback? If so, and you've blatantly ignored her and her needs physically, maybe she just got tired of not having her physical needs met? Could this be a possibility? I know for many women, they try to explain to their partners what they need, and yet never received it. In turn, they are unhappy sexually. If you think this could he playing a fqctor, you need to talk to her about this. You both just need a good sit down. Good luck!
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (25 August 2016):
 Ive answered you before and I hope you really take my answer to heart. Please initiate a divorce and end it. I know she was your first love so youve never known what is like to love another woman. There are so many wonderful people out there who can love you and respect you and that person isnt your wife. End the marriage and seek full-fullment in you and in life and someday in someone else's arms.
32 is very young. Pleases DO NOT SETTLE. DO NOT have children with her. I also believe many many men marry narcissistic women and cannot leave because they (much like physically abused women) believe that love comes from emotional manipulation and abuse. Thats not the case at all, if youve ever known what love is, it is desire, compassion, gentle tenderness and its beautiful. Its friendship and trust and honesty and empathy
Your wife and you are different like day and night. If she loved and desired you, porn wouldnt come close to how you can make her feel. Trust me when I say this, as a woman who enjoys porn often, it does not even come close to how a man can make me feel in bed. If she is not having sex with you, she does not desire you. If a woman does not desire you, shes not the woman for you
Divorce her. Move on, find joy in other ways, date, and youll find how amazing it will be to finally be with someone who loves you for you. Who understands you completely. Find your bestfriend, someone you can communicate with in every way and never feel disrespected or less of a man.
Good luck! Please make the right decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): Edit:" Less pressure is placed on me."
"Less pressure is placed on men. Marriage is often done out of duty..."
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): She gave you a clue. You have been together so long, you are like family to her. This happens in a lot of relationships, but very few people seem to figure it out. I mention this a lot in my responses; because people wonder why all of a sudden within the relationship the passion seems to fizzle. It rises and plateaus. It falls when people fail to communicate.
Your wife is closed-off. It is possible she married under
pressure. Your cultural traditions requires you to be married and start a family by a certain age. So think back to how your love-life was to start with. There is love and affection, but women are often forced by culture and tradition to fulfill their roles. Less pressure is placed on me. Marriage is often done out of duty, and not because they really wanted to. It is forbidden to admit this.
Sometimes it takes setting the mood. If you hate the porn, ask her if she wouldn't mind leaving it out of your love-making. Maybe you might want to work on your technique and be a little creative. Ask her what she sees in the porn that she might like you to do. She may be trying to tell you that sex is routine and she'd like it a little spicy.
I'm not trying to suggest she is insinuating you're boring in bed. However; she might find sex repetitious, predictable, familiar, and time has made it a routine. If you feel like a brother to her, it's hard to exactly put that in words when you're her husband. Asking her what would make her happy might be a good place to start. Listen and be man enough to handle what you hear. Most guys aren't good listeners or communicators. They only know what they want. Women expect you to read their minds. Open the dialogue and you may learn something.
You can both learn to work around your schedules. If you snap at her about being noisy, don't expect her to be in a sexy mood. Take her out, romance her, pay her compliments, tease her, and make her laugh.
If a marriage or relationship is void of affectionate playfulness, it is also void of passion. Hold her hand, rub her back and shoulders, play with her hair; put your arm around her waist. Just do it and observe how she responds. Not all of a sudden, just when it hits you. Don't be weird and mechanical. She'll look at you like an idiot.
If you're cold until you want sex, she's cold when it's time to have sex.
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