A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years. We've always had a good sex life and if I'm honest I've never been able to keep up with my boyfriends sex drive. It used to really irritate me that I couldn't take a shower, get changed or doing anything really without him trying to instigate sex. He literally was ready for sex all the time and forever wanted sex, even if we were just about to walk out of the door to meet friends he would try to make a move. We averaged having sex about 4 times a week, sometimes 3 if we were busy throughout the week. However everything has changed now and I never thought id say this but I want my irritating boyfriend back who was constantly trying to get some. Before anybody suggests he's cheating I'm 100% sure that he's not. We spent every evening together and we are always together on the weekend. He is still as loving and affectionate as ever. He's a very affectionate man and is always cuddling and kissing me. He's not protective over his phone and often leaves his phone in my handbag or on the side. I don't think he's getting sex else where.His father had a big stroke around 10/11 weeks ago an obviously during this time sex was the last thing on our mind. We spent every evening down the hospital visiting and once his father was discharged we spent every evening by his side. I would cook for him and his parents and he would sit with his father. He was discharged whilst he was still very poorly so his family being very anoxia obviously from the previous stroke did not want him left alone. I understood this and I was also concerned so the matter of no sex didn't even cross my mind. However his father is better now, he's returned driving and has returned to his normal lifestyle, his progress has been brilliant. Mine and my partners sex life hasn't returned to normal. We have sex maybe once a week or once every two weeks. My boyfriend doesn't seem interested in me anymore. I can parade around naked in front of him and he want bat an eyelid. I've tried everything from buying new lingerie, getting some new lubricants and massage oil, selecting a film that is known to be quite raunchy and even taking a bit longer to get dressed from a shower. None of it has worked. If I instigate sex sometimes he will be willing but others he'l brush my hand away. I've also noticed that sometimes he doesn't seem to be as hard or interested. When he does return my advances and we have sex foreplay is non existent and I feel like he's purely having sex with me to tick a box, rather than because he wants to. I briefly mentioned in a jokey maner that he doesn't seem interested in me anymore and he replied with 'don't be so silly, course I am'. Then I took the route I've been avoided, I instigated sex about 10 days ago, at first he didn't seem interested but he soon got hard. After me performing oral sex on him for about 10 minutes he went straight into sex. No foreplay for myself and I wasn't actually turned on at all due to the fact I was worrying that he would turn me away again. It was so painful that I pushed him off and said not to worry about it. He seemed genuinely concerned asking me what was wrong and I told him everything. How I didn't feel wanted or attractive anymore, how he doesn't perform foreplay on me anymore and how I have had an orgasm with him for 12 weeks. Sex is now very much focused around him. He apologised and promised that things would change and return to normal, he said that there is no reason for why it's this way and he doesn't know how we've slipped into this routine. Yet it's been ten days and he hasn't tried to have sex with me at all. Any ideas for how I can approach this topic again? I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking his man hood, I just want my sex life back.
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discharge, foreplay, kissing, lubricant, oral sex, orgasm, ready for sex, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Things do go on in the back of a man's mind. The rejections start to add-up. His father's illness was an emotional drain, and his sexiness may have been temporarily neutralized from the serious health-scare he experienced with his father. it did take some time for his dad to recover. The threat of losing him loomed over his head that entire time, and still lingers. I know that horrible feeling.
Don't be selfish. Okay, your dad's alright now. So back to business as usual. already!!! It's not quite that simple. You don't understand how a man thinks at all!
Being rejected or dismissed doesn't always have a voluntary effect on a guy's libido. It starts to eat at his ego. It eventually finds its way to his subconscious-mind. He gets tired of begging. He is offended that you make it something he always has to beg for. He knows there are times you don't feel in the mood, he also knows when it may be a bad time for it. He just felt the spontaneous-effect would turn you on more. You were annoyed instead. It hurt his feelings.
Eventually he feels you're using sex as a means of manipulation, and making it seem as though you're doling it out to him like mother doles out snacks to a kid. That takes the fun out of it. It's always when YOU want to do it. You didn't appreciate the spontaneity he used to offer you. Now you miss it, now that it stops.
Still using subtle manipulation by trying to throw guilt on him by claiming it makes you feel unattractive. You know that isn't true. You no longer have push-button control over his sex-drive. He took it back. Now you have to beg.
Sex in relationships plateaus. It has peaks and valleys, or may even subside. That is usually after some traumatic event. Just be patient and understanding. Stop pushing the issue, if he's still full of affection and kisses. He's still dealing with the mortality-threat his dad went through, and it hit him more emotionally than he can let on. He's a guy, and he internalizes a lot of his feelings.
Be patient. Continue being sweet and sexy as much as it comes naturally. Don't harp on the issue. Just continue to enjoy the cuddles and kisses as long as they're plentiful.
Men are not sex-robots, and we don't always spring into action just because you demand us to. Sometimes our moods change, and our appetites may not be as ravenous. It isn't always a bad sign. It's just how nature works.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Right now, your boyfriend is facing his own mortality and his father's illness. He's not feeling too sexual and he will respond when you make an effort but isn't focused on your needs at the moment.
I would take the focus off your sexual needs and put them on your boyfriend's emotional needs for now.
Life throws many challenges at us, having to deal with them might be enough to take all the energy out of your boyfriend.
He sounds loving and as though he's trying to stay intimate with you; don't make penis-in-vagina intercourse the measure of his love for you at this moment in time.
Open yourself up to experience intimacy in non-sexual ways and recognize that life traumas can cause sexual desire to fade away. It has nothing to do with you. If you insist on making it about you then you are being a bit, well, narcissistic.
Ten days? That's a fraction of a lifetime of love. So give your man some time to recover. If he can't, then as the first responder to this suggests, he could go seek therapy or that systems approach thingie. Thoughas that wasn't explained, you may need to do some googling of that systems approach.
It's been 10 days since he's approached you for sex. Again, I think he's been affected by his father's illness and you are discounting that.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Typically, this query would have been written by a man. He is a VERY lucky man to have you as a partner. Your last encounter is the one men just dream about. Just keep doing what you are doing he'll return to "normal" once the trauma of realizing he's mortal (dad's illness) things will return to the way they were. He just had lightning hit him in the butt so be patient. The lucky guy.
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A
male
reader, Overlay +, writes (19 April 2015):
It seems to me that you want your old sex life back, but only if it can be on your terms. Considering the described circumstances of the situation, and if you were truly as desperate as you sound, the LAST thing that you should have done was to reject your boyfriend's advances when he finally showed renewed interest, just because he didn't conform 100% in every respect to your idea of how it should have been done. (And you had even initiated the activity!)Now that you've had a taste of how it feels to be rejected, it should make you more sensitive to how your boyfriend must have felt in the past when you were not in the mood (and something tells me that there must have been multiple such occasions). However, I don't think that he could be blamed at this point if he gave up entirely because he had come to feel that it's impossible to please you.(I think this dynamic is larger than just you and your boyfriend, however. I regularly see articles in women's websites and publications that suggest having sex more often as a way to improve a relationship with a man. Why would women even need to be told this? And why is it that I can't recall seeing such advice having to be directed to men?)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 April 2015):
 I suggest that you print out this submittal..... then, MAKE a quiet time when you and he can be sure to have at least an hour of sincere talk..... show it to him, and say, "Hunchy-Bunchy,.... you KNOW how much I love you... However, I want you to see this... which I wrote. Let's talk.."
I predict that you and he will be in the sack within 45 minutes... AND, that the circumstances that triggered you to write this will DISAPPEAR.
Good luck....
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