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I want my married lover's wife to know I am having his child

Tagged as: Cheating, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 March 2019) 8 Answers - (Newest, 20 March 2019)
A female Ghana age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been dating this married man a little over 2years now. I was with him for 5 months before he married his wife(chose another woman over me whiles I was with him). At the time of his marriage I was two months pregnant for him which I made him aware but in anger, asked me to abort the pregnancy so he could get married in peace. Mind you, this guy in question is my father's employee and because of that I couldn't take this issue up any further. I started believing this guy had just taken advantage of me because of my vulnerability (realationship between my dad and I isn't so good. He doesn't like me for reasons he only knows). I had to give in to have abortion. Mind you, I also have multiple uterine fibroids which demanded I give birth quickly so I could later have a hestrectomy surgery done (a surgery to remove the fibroids and the uterus together. He knew all these but still didn't care about me. He got married, the wife travelled back to the states and then he came back begging to be back in my life. I felt so humiliated and used but I also thought it was my chance to get back at him if I had a better plan. Throughout our stay together he practically drove away every guy away from me and made me have 5 additional abortions for him whiles his wife gave birth to a baby boy just after 6 months of their marriage. The wife gave birth almost about 2years now in the states whiles he is here and has not even set eyes on his own child. Just later part of last year, I was taking care of my sick dad in the hospital when I found out I was pregnant again, this time I told myself enough is enough, I am going to have the baby no matter what. I told him about my decision but also told my father and my mom. They felt disappointed but had no option than to accept because of my medical condition. After this, I just wanted to give up any resentment and retaliation for the sake of the baby I'm going to have so I decided to break up with him and also for the fact that he started seeing another woman. Now he says I ruined his relationship with his wife. His wife apparently stalked me on social media and got some of my pictures to send to her husband calling me all sort of nasty names so I also sent a message to stay out of my case because if really she wanted to keep her husband she would have stayed to take up her role. Now,I have realized this guy is a natural cheat and don't want to have anything with him but I also wants the wife to know I'm going to have his child but no more a part of his life.

What should I do?

View related questions: abortion, married man, stalking

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (20 March 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt I am not sure but I think the OP means the doctor said they can remove her uterus AFTER she has given birth , precisely because if she does not have an uterus she can't get pregnant. In other words, she wants to become a mother first, and then get the operation . From this point of view , her narrative would make sense. But it's all the rest that does not makes sense. I hope for the OP that she is just trolling, otherwise it's a terrible story. How in this day and age, rather than using contracception, a woman is going to submit herself to 6 abortions in 2 years , just to please the whims of a married lover- it's mind-boggling, and if it is true , the OP needs help- psychiatric help , immediately.

An abortion, even when performed safely by a competent professional, is still a medical ( Mifepristone pills ) or surgical procedure which , like any such procedure , is always susceptible of complications, infections,hemorrhages and permanent damages. And , like any potentially damaging medical / surgical procedure, you should not resort to it ,if there are simpler, safer alternatives. In short , it should never be your go-to solution because you are too lazy or clueless to go on the pill , or at least to buy yourself some condoms ; that's like playing Russian roulette with your body, and for what ? for a married man who made no mistery about not wanting you.

If you haven't realized that- you really need help with your mental health ( and this is not meant as a put down !)

About telling his wife, as other posters have noted, why are you mad at her , why do you want to hurt her ? She did not do anything bad. She did not get you pregnant, she did not steal your husband. As for her role in her marriage, and where she should live,- that's really none of your business, and you are the least qualified person anyway to give her advice about how to carry on a happy relationship !

So, leave the woman be; if it makes you any happier she will get to know it, sooner or later, that's inavoidable, if you go after child support, as you certainly should do , regardless of your positive or negative feelings for the baby's father. This is not about you or him, that's about the baby's rights, which come before any of your personal wishes or whims.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019):

You are most definately a troll, or you are so psychotic, that you need to be studied at a major medical teaching hospital, be an entire team of psychiatrists of OB GYNs! I was right with you when the dirty two timer got you pregnant and you were diagnosed with fibroid tumors. Due to the baby endangering your life, you promply had the abortion. Then you had a hysterectomy to remove the fibroids and your uterus. That is so tragic i thought! But where was that pesky two timer planting the other five babies which you allegedly aborted, because babies do not grow so well when the woman in question has had her uterus surgically removed! If you want to be a fiction writer, i think perhaps you need to work on the continuity of your story line! Just sayin!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2019):

This letter cannot be right.You said you had your uterus removed but then you had five abortions and are now pregnant?Impossible you need a uterus to be pregnant I thought. Any one else think this is odd?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (18 March 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou won't get any sympathy here. You're being nasty to his wife when you and he are to blame. You knew he was married, but you still carried on with him. Now you need to stop this childish behaviour and sort out how you're going to raise this baby on your own.

DO NOT HURT OTHER PEOPLE. Your poor baby has a cheating father and a mother with a mean attitude. Grow up. Let the man go; he's not yours, and leave his wife alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2019):

Have you actually read back your post? This is utterely disgusting behaviour on both your parts. As a woman of your age you should have alot more respect for yourself.

5 abortions? Really? This is not some kind of birth control method. You have allowed this man to use you entirely for his own needs. Then you have the nerve to judge his wife? She is an innocent party if all of this mess.I hope she dumped his ass as soon as she found out about you and his relationship.

You cannot be seriously thnking you have done no wromg in all of this. That poor baby you are bringing into the world surrounded by chaos. The right thing to do is to remove yourself as far away from this mess as possible to give this child any chance of a peaceful happy childhood.

In future, pick better men or be single until you know what better is for the sake of your kid.

Words have been difficult with this post. Jeez.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 March 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHave you actually read what you put in your post? You knowingly had an affair with a married cheat but are putting the blame on his poor clueless wife? Do you not think she has enough to contend with, with a husband like him, without having her nose rubbed in his mess?

It was YOUR CHOICE to keep having sex with him after he showed you how little he cared for you by marrying another woman. It was YOUR CHOICE to use abortion as a contraceptive instead of actually using contraceptives. It was YOUR CHOICE to keep this baby (probably the only non-crap decision you have made). So why do you think you should make the wife suffer even more? Why are you acting like a victim in all this? Your relationship with your father is irrelevant. You cannot blame that for all your bad choices throughout your life. You are now an adult.

I do understand your need to "put things straight" with the wife but, honestly, it will not make you feel any better. What WILL make you feel better is if you can become the bigger person, rise about all that has gone on and prove yourself a worthwhile human being and a good mother to your child (because it sure as hell sounds like you will be a single parent).

You now need to concentrate on looking after yourself and your poor unborn child, who deserves better than he/she has had so far. I hope your parents will support you through this. If there are any legal obligations in your country for fathers to financially support their children, make sure you press for this from your feckless ex.

You can't change the past. You made some horrendous choices but you have to let them go. Move forward by making BETTER choices - like cutting all contact with this dreadful man (because I have a feeling you will still go back to him, despite his abhorrent behaviour towards you) and by leaving his wife out of this mess. Concentrate on taking care of your own health and that of your child. That is all that is important now.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 March 2019):

N91 agony auntMove on.

Why are YOU trying to act like a victim here? You willingly helped a man cheat on his partner which then progressed into his wife and you’re trying to act like YOU are being hard done by? Grow up. Seriously, think about what you have been doing. What do you expect when you’re screwing round in other people’s relationships? Of course he doesn’t want a baby with you, he’s married for god sake. Why were you not using a condom as well? Not only cheating, but risking pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. You sound really immature. Surely after 1 abortion you’d of learnt 1. To leave this scumbag alone 2. To practice safe sex to not have the same thing happen again, but no.

Now your whole little fantasy world has come crashing down and the child isn’t a secret anymore and everyone knows you’ve been cheating, you want to be spiteful towards this guys wife? SHE is the only innocent one here, why does she deserve more grief? How selfish can you be? If you want to keep the child, then do so, forget about this guy, if you want child support off him then you can make arrangements for that yourself but stop fucking around in other people’s relationships and acting surprised when shit hits the fan.

Leave their marriage to crash and burn on its own, accept your mistakes,grow up and move on.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 March 2019):

You want to be spiteful and get back at his wife, and he's the one who dumped you. Your father doesn't like you, your cheater-boyfriend dumped you and got married; and his wife doesn't like you either. Why doesn't she have a right not to like you?

So now you want to be spiteful and create as much drama and commotion as you can; after you made bad choices. You got several abortions for him? As if you didn't have a choice.

So you want to do mean spiteful things?

Here's what you should do. Contact child-support authorities, and set-up getting child-support payments. That is, if you choose to keep this child. If you're going to give the child a terrible life in a toxic-environment; have mercy, and give the baby up for adoption. Everything that has happened to you regarding this guy was of your own choosing. Now you want to be vindictive.

His wife has a right to be angry; and to call you nasty names for threatening her marriage. If she suspects that you were messing-around with her husband.

He had left you, and that was that. You have the means to move on, live wherever you want to, and to disappear completely from sight. He couldn't scare away your boyfriends; unless you let him know who they were. You were only trying to make him jealous; and trying to create trouble when you could have just moved and started a new life. Your trouble-making and bad-choices backfire.

His wife doesn't care about you; or any child you may or may not keep. It's not her fault what he does; and ruining his marriage won't make you any happier. It will only make you evil. Rise above it, or go under with it! You can't win!

Move on. That's what you should do. If you keep the child, be a good mother, a kind person, and make sure he pays child-support. She'll find-out when the authorities notify him for the support-hearing. You don't even have to be there. He may demand a paternity test; if you've been with other men. So you don't have to go out of your way to hurt her.

She's not cheating with your husband, you're messing with her husband! She is within her rights to defend her message no matter how you feel about it! He didn't choose you!

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