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I want my married lover to take off his wedding ring when he's out with me

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2010) 18 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

ok yall i have been dating this man for a least a years and some months! however our relationship is getting deeper and deeper everyday! when the two some us started dating we both agree to no feeling no attachment ! now that time change words have change too.. he told me if i ever told him that i had feeling for him . he would pulled away from me.(he said that would cause a lot of problems for him and thats some things he do not need) he told me this when we 1st started talkn.. im gone fast forward everything .. now he tell me that he have feeling for me .. i must admitt. im falling in love with him. him and his wife been married for like 6 yrs. and im his 2nd affair... they have 3 kids together!! we have been talking about going out to eat with each and going on dates! the only problem (he claim everywhere he go someone knows him! . yes i get upset because i cant go nowhere with him yet!! any other thing i have been wanting to ask him to take off his ring when me and him together!! do i hold that postion to request him to remove his ring while we are at the room! yes im sure most of you all going to say im a homerecking /whore!! but im not making him cheat or im not making him lie to him wife. however i do got major feeling for him. can anybody tell me how should i deal with love affair

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (29 October 2010):

xanthic agony aunthttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-to-do-when-the-person-youre-attracted.html

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A female reader, Maria-consuela Canada +, writes (28 October 2010):

Maria-consuela agony auntAs much as alot of decisions you have made are poorly thought out and shortsighted, feeling that you have fallen for someone who is unnavailable doesn't make you a bad person.

While you may consider the fact that it takes two to wreck a home, and that you cannot wreck a home without his consent, you need to ask yourself why you'd want to be in a relationship where you are forced to make these moral comprimises.

Please don't be someone's last option. Open your eyes to the reality of this situation, try to look at it objectively. What would you say to a girlfriend in a similar situation? Would you tell her to keep waiting around, wasting her life, hoping everything would work out? No. You would probably tell her that she is worth better and that she needs to have more respect for herself.

We all make mistakes, and I do not have a perfect track record when it comes to situations that are similar. But if there is one thing I have learned its that you now have the option to make a different type of choice. A choice that benefits you and your heart, one that may hurt right now but will definitly be better for you long-term.

Telling someone they need english classes, or calling them a homewrecker isn't constructive, but it is easy to be frustrated when a question like this comes up. It seems like you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. Everybody has been lost in love, blinded by infatuation, and ultimately hurt when the end result is not what they wanted or expected. Save yourself from heartbreak and stand up for yourself.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (28 October 2010):

eyeswideopen agony auntSo who are spending Thanksgiving with? Not him. So who are you spending Christmas eve with? Not him. Christmas Day? His birthday? Valentine's Day? Not him Not him Not him. Let's fast forward to a cold winter's night in the future. There's a roaring fire in the fireplace and he's snuggled up with his wife on the couch looking at pictures of the grandkids. They are laughing over something one of the kids did. Where are you? Oh there you are, cold and all alone, talking to your cat and stealing glances every so often at the silent telephone.

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A male reader, mrvhappy United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2010):

I'm not gonna judge you.

Q for you,

If you were married and yr husband was in a relationship similar to the one you have with this guy...would you be ok with that?... somehow I dont think you would

Why dont you find a single guy that you can go out with..who isnt in hiding and can take you out for a meal withouth worrying that his wife might find out?

I'm sure that you have enough moral fibre in you to do the decent thing..if you dont have this...just think that theres a little boy or a little girl in this relationship who will be heartbroken when thier mother finds out.

Good Luck I'm sure you know what you are doing

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A female reader, sizzling1 Nigeria +, writes (28 October 2010):

you need to stop seeing this married man, girl. it will only end in tears..yours.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010):

Op, how many times have u wrtten here aslready? Countless!

Why don't u ask him to burn his marriage certificate as well?

Him taking off his wedding ring does not make him less married.

With or without his wedding ring it still makes u a homewrecker

LoveGirl

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010):

Why do you think that you have the right to have him do anything? just because you let him screw you doesn't give you any rights. You're not his wife...

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A female reader, LLindy87 United States +, writes (28 October 2010):

LLindy87 agony auntdon't go for married men...problem solved.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010):

You ain't no home wrecker. The home wrecker would be that no account cheating dog.

Why you care if he taken his ring off or not? He just as married whether it be on his hand or off.

Aunt Sally always told me if a man cheat with you, he cheat on you. You keep lying with this dog you going to wake up with fleas.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (28 October 2010):

mystiquek agony auntI had a friend like you...she knowingly got involved with a married man. He kept promising her that he would leave his wife and kids for her. The whole town knew about their affair. The wife had to know too, but put up with it. 10 years later, and after 2 abortions, he still had not left his wife. He never did. My friend wasted 10 years of her life on a jerk. Moral of the story? Get out now. He'll never leave his wife. You are just another notch on his belt. You aren't the first, you aren't the last. You are his "flavor of the month". Do you really think you'll last? you won't. This will not end happily for you.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (28 October 2010):

birdynumnums agony auntI'm still thinking at least English classes are appropriate....

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A female reader, Denise32 United States +, writes (28 October 2010):

Denise32 agony auntNeither am I going to call you names.

What I AM going to tell you, however, is this: You have absolutely NO business asking him to take his wedding ring off when with you, LET ALONE going out on "dates" with him.

Didn't you realize that agreeing to " feeling no attachment" would ultimately not work? And didn't he tell you that if you ever told him you were developing feelings for him he would end it?

Look, he's MARRIED. Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to you? The fact that he is not free - as a single or divorced/widowed man would be - to even have lunch with you? Do you not realize how upset and betrayed his wife would feel if she were to find out what her husband is doing?

You say "I'm not making him cheat or lie to his wife." You think not? Ah, but you ARE "helping" him to do just that by agreeing to enter into this affair with you. In telling us you're not "making" him do anything, you're lying to yourself, because you don't want to own up to YOUR part in cheating on his wife.

Oh, and by the way: I hope you understand that he will never leave her to be with you. You do realize this, don't you?

How should you deal with this "love" affair? Quite simple, you END it, here and now, knowing it to be wrong, and have nothing more to do with this man.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (28 October 2010):

birdynumnums agony auntPerhaps you could take an English class and fuck the married professor instead?

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (28 October 2010):

janniepeg agony auntTaking off a ring is not just a simple motion, it says something else deeper. Later it would be leave your wife for me. This guy has a habit of pulling away when there is a problem. He pulled away from his wife and children when home life is no longer fun. He pulled away from the first affair because that woman became needy. I am not sure how big of a deal is taking off his ring. When people fall in love it gets more painful, more frustrating when dreams can't be fulfilled. You want to have fun with him without the reminder that he's married. How long can you deceive yourself?

Sure you are not making him to anything. It's all voluntary and you are both adults. But when he gets caught guess who he's going to blame it on.

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A female reader, Maria-consuela Canada +, writes (28 October 2010):

Maria-consuela agony auntI feel like you have every right to your feelings, and the fact that you are asking more of this relationship may feel warranted because of the time put in. But unfortunately time does not equate to intimacy, and sometimes even spending time with someone doing intimate things does not equate to a legitimate relationship.

You have invested alot of time and thought into this man, and he has a completely different life that he is a part of. To expect him to drop an entire family in order to be with you is probably a stretch. In fact, why would you want to be with a man who would leave a wife and kids to pursue a relationship that he created while living a lie. You can ask him to take off his ring, sure. But realistically if he wont even go out in public with you he probably isn't receptive to your input or any type of comprimise. My question to you is this - even if he did take his ring off, would it make him less married? Would it legitimize your relationship and make everything better? No, not likely. Do not accept the lowest amount of effort in return for the large amount you are putting in. He sounds like a jerk, to be honest. A jerk that is leading you on, getting his needs met, lying to his family and being completely self-involved.

You don't need to provide yourself at such a discounted rate. If you represent yourself as somebody who will take any form of treatment and relish tiny morsels of gratitude you will receive only these in return.

Show him that you don't need his bread crumbs and go get yourself a whole loaf of bread! You will start to feel better, when you begin to realize that you are worth more than being somebody's dirty little secret.

I hope you achieve happiness, and learn from this. Move on and be bigger and stronger for yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010):

I dont even know where to begin with this question. First off, this married man is using you only for sex. There are obviously major issues with him as he's still with his wife and this is his supposed 2nd time doing this to some 'innocent' woman like you. He does not have any attachment or claim to you as you seem to think you do to him. Be the mature responsible adult and leave him and his family alone. I don't know what you are hoping to achieve from this relationship, but I'm sure he won't leave his wife for you. Ever consider your not the only one he's doing this to?

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (28 October 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntThe only way to deal with a love affair is to end it. I know you don't want to hear that, but I haven't called you a home wrecking whore. Still reading?

This is that man's second affair, what does that tell you? You're not his first and you're surely not his last. It started off like any normal affair as a no strings attached deal strictly sex. He's probably lacking a sex life in his own marriage so he's going to seek it else where. You..Now this no strings attached deal, never quite pans out well. See someone (you) usually develops feelings for the other. Now he has feelings for you as well. What's holding him back? A wife and 3 kids, oh yeah his other life. You have a 12% chance of him leaving his family..so the odds are pretty much against you. This man can't take you out on a date, because he will run into someone he knows and they will notify his wife. Yeah, you forgot about her. I completely agree him wearing his ring while having an affair is completely hypocritical. But I highly doubt he's going to take it off..he's been married to his wife for 6 years, part of him still loves her. True, you're not making him cheat, but you're having sex with him and emotionally involved in this affair..So you're guilty of being an accessory.

My advice to you is to get out of this affair, he's married has 3 children. He's not going to leave his other life to start one with you. The more attached and demanding you get, the sooner he will end this affair himself. It will also end when his wife catches him..which is only a matter of time. Save yourself the pain, get out of this affair. Date men who are available. Then no one will call you a home wrecker.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010):

How to deal with love affair? End it. The position you're in is that of a selfish person. It's not entirely your fault that you're in this position, as he has the majority of the blame. But how can you justify having strong feelings for a man that actively cheats on his wife (and children for that matter) not with one woman... but with another one? What about that screams "omg he's amazing?" If you want him to take off his wedding ring because it makes you feel guilty, then go for it. But it doesn't matter in the end because he's still very much married and you're still very much second best in his life until he ends that relationship.

I would make a clean break. Find a man that respects you enough to not wear a wedding ring NOT from you in public, a man that doesn't even have a wedding ring and wants to establish something real with you, not something built around sex and naughtiness involving him having to lie to his wife and children. It's a sticky situation, and he's a moron.

Keep in mind that if things turn out the way you want... he takes off the ring and ends his marriage and devastates his woman and 3 kids and proposes to you and feeds you every line in the book stating how you're perfect and he would never cheat on you, that he has a track record. And it's not a good one. Think about how you would feel being his wife, knowing he's out with these other women that demand petty things such as taking off wedding rings, something symbolic that his wife put on his finger when she married him. It's not really your place to ask that he take it off.

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