A
female
age
22-25,
*ursl
writes:I'm not sure if I am being extremely jealous or whether I am right to feel this way.. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we are even looking at apartments together however there are a few things that really bother me. First of all he follows hundreds of "sexy" models on instagram and daily saves their pictures to use later (He has even done it while I was sat next to him.. multiple occasions)... second of all he has been using cam sites and paying money to girls on there and thirdly he has girls paid snapchat accounts that will post nudity and personalised videos there?! It makes me feel really under-appreciated and angry as I would do anything for him, I absolutely love him to pieces but the fact he still does things he did when he was single really hurts me? We regularly have sex but this still isn't enough to satisfy him?I 100% understand that he is entitled to his private time but I think paying other girls for this kind of thing is just ridiculous and kind of disrespectful to me.. In every other aspect he is perfect but I just can't stand this. I have confronted him about it multiple times and explained how it makes me feel, He tells me he is sorry and he will stop doing it.. I just don't want this to continue if we are planning on living together. So my question is, Is this normal? Should I just put up with it? Am I being controlling? Does anybody have any advice for me? Thank you so much.
View related questions:
jealous, money, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018): This is absolutely no different to if yoh were getting your emotional
Need to be a mans one and only sexual interest met though other men ( since he won't give that to you)
I'm pretty certain he would not accept you getting your needs met through other men so why are you accepting him getting his met through other women?
He is showing absolutely no respect for you or women in general for that matter . He is clearly very comfortable with the concept of paying for sex and one has to question whether that had or would extend to paying for prostitutes in the future . As these things tend to get worse not better . It's highly unlikely that if you two stayed together and had children for example that he would turn his sexual attention to you. Men who think like this tend to hold motherhood and women as they get older as less and less sexy because they idealise the porn view of what a sexy woman should be ie young thin no signs of having carried a child or lived a life. They idealise youth and hold contempt for things associated with women true gifts of inner strength and personality , values softness love etc
So in other words if you decide to be with him be prepared to lessen in value each day as you age , be prepared for none of your strengths to be recognised or values , your accomplishments to go unnoticed . This is what porn teaches men , that women are only worth their bodies and that unless they meet the aesthic standards that woman is worthless
A
male
reader, devont +, writes (11 April 2018):
 He's not going to stop.
His behaviour isn't normal for someone in a monogamous relationship and you're not being controlling. Asking him to stop is completely reasonable but he is not going to, otherwise he would have already. Unfortunately, by giving him multiple chances, you have given him permission to act like this.
If it was just porn, maybe it wouldn't be such an issue. Porn is detached, paying girls to perform for him isn't. Especially if he is deliberately seeking them on snapchat.
Don't move in together and think things will change, because they won't. Think long and hard about your relationship. He has continued to betray you, continued to deliberately hurt your feelings. This isn't a minor thing, don't let him make you think it is. Even if it was, if you repeatedly ask someone not to do something and they continue to do it, that is very disrespectful.
Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better. A million times better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 April 2018):
 OK, OP...
Here is my take on. You have a BF who is "addicted" to porn. Who ACTS like a single guy even when sitting right next to you. NO it's NOT normal for a guy with a GF to also PAY women on cams/snapchat for sexual content.
Or at least it SHOULDN'T be "normal" in ANY relationship.
1. there is PLENTY of free porn out there.
2. he sees nothing wrong in his actions.
3. he WILL NOT stop this behavior if you move in together.
4. he makes promises but he doesn't KEEP them. He just tells you he is sorry. So his words means nothing here.
The fact that you are STILL dating him and STILL feeling like you have to compete sexually and otherwise with these cam-girls... it makes me sad. That you have so little respect for yourself.. it makes me sad. That you actually BELIEVE you shouldn't be upset that your BF is paying OTHER women to get him off... it makes me sad.
OP - HONEY! You can do better than this. Can you imagine living with him and he fails to pay bills because he spend the money on cam-girls?
HIS DICK and sexual gratification is more important to him than you are.
I say dump him. DO NOT (I'll repeat that) DO NOT move in with him.
His behavior is NOT OK. Maybe in some open relationship where everything is about instant gratification and sex sex sex and BOTH parties are OK with this... maybe then his actions are OK - but in a relationship where this is something HE feels he has to apologies for (even if those apologies are worthless) and his actions HURTS your feelings... It's NOT OK.
You have to remember OP, you can not MAKE him change. He can make promises but that won't change anything.
My advice is to break up, wish him well and FIND yourself someone who's behavior is NOT detrimental to the relationship. Who isn't full of empty promises.
It sounds like an addiction. Would you date him if instead of the money and focus was on sex with other women it was crack-cocaine? Heroin? Gambling?
YOU CAN NOT make him stop this. He isn't going to stop because he really doesn't want to. Like ANY other addict doing this is something he might not be 100% in control off. BUT the ONLY one who can make changes to his behavior is him, if he seeks help, if he accepts that he is addicted. From what you write he isn't at all ready to let this addiction go. HE is getting WAY too much out of it and for whatever reason he has MANAGED to convince you that he is a good guy and that YOU should just SUCK up his addiction because most of the time he is a good BF...
BULLSHIT.
Decide if this is OK behavior in a partner or not. If it is, then YOU need to work on not getting your feelings hurt every time he downloads a new picture of SOME OTHER woman, her vagina, boobs etc. so he can LATER jerk off while LOOKING at this picture.
If it's NOT OK, then end the relationship and wish him well.
You are so young to be in a relationship where YOU devalue yourself as much as HE devalues women.
You NEED to "build" a standard of what you want in a man, and what you want in a relationship. That includes what YOU can offer and he can offer but it also includes the deal-breaker you DO NOT want.
Personally, I think you are worth 10 of him. I think you can do SO much better. For me, the FIRST time he did this it would have been the end of the relationship.
There are SO many guys out there. You don't have to HOLD on to this one. You don't have to sell yourself short.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): Believe me lovely, the "norm" is that the majority of men and women watch porn, not all but most. I watched porn once at 18 felt sick and never looked since. It just depends on the people. If he was watching it on the occasion fine, but he is doing it regularly and paying towards it. Its almost as similar to paying a prostitute except for its theres no physical contact. If you have tried speaking with him and nothing has changed, then I don't think he will, and usually, 70% of the time if you ask someone to drop a habit or stop something they've been doing for years, the chances are they won't change.
If you guys are thinking of moving in together, he should be at least trying to save his money, instead of wasting it on something he could get from you if he asked. This guy sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever, and I wouldn't perceive your attitude as controlling at all. Honestly, you could do a lot better, and that's without knowing you.
I would think long and hard before moving in with this guy, because if this upsets you now, it'll only get worse being under the same roof.
...............................
A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (11 April 2018):
You do realise that he is not perfect in any sense of the matter? He is still cheating on you and you're accepting it. Drop this loser and move on with someone that appreciates a lovely, loyal girl. You're very young but this is no excuse to put up with this kind of behavior.
You deserve better.
By the way, you are not being controlling. This is down right disrespectful on his part and he's actually quite a sleaze.
...............................
|
