A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll get straight to the point. My best friend and I (I'm female, he's male) have a 'friends with benefits' kind of thing going on. We are intimate, sometimes affectionate, but never romantic. We have never dated, but despite clearly not being a couple or together, we are definitely not a typical 'just best friends' kinda deal.I'm not in love with him, but I do sometimes wish we could try giving us a go, because I feel like we could (if we put more effort in) fall in love. Odd as that sounds. I'm not sure if any of you reading this have the same feelings I do, but sometimes when you get really close to someone you can sort of tell when you're on the edge - the verge - of something. I feel like he and I could become romantic. I don't think we're that far from it to be honest.Anyway, our relationship/friendship has become rocky now that he's started dating. He's been dating a particular girl for five dates in a row now, and I'm beginning to feel pretty miserable about it. I couldn't care less who this girl is or if she's nice, and to be frank I'm avoiding finding out who she is. I have a bad jealous streak so it's best I don't know the details.I'm torn between feeling kiiiiiinda happy for him, and miserable for myself. It's not going to break my heart if we stop our intimate relationship, but guys... I'm worried this is going to kill what's IMPORTANT in our friendship. The small things like leaning on his shoulder while watching a film, or him giving me head massages while we chat, or even spending lunch times with him during work. And, as everyone knows, sleeping together can mean just that - sharing a bed. We share our beds frequently. It's bonding time. Chatting time. Hugging time. That will all disappear if he gets more serious with the dating. I really don't want that.Believe it or not, I have actually talked to him about this, but it doesn't really seem to go anywhere. I guess maybe that's just because it doesn't go anywhere I want... so I suppose I might be in denial. :( He apologises a lot, tells me that nothing will change the fact that we are best friends, but that's just to comfort me. We both know things will change. I've suggested that maybe we could try dating, or go into a 'open relationship', but the big vibe I'm getting is that he's scared of doing that, because it would be a no no for other women if they knew.Please help me out guys. I'm scared of losing my best friend - and losing out on a big opportunity for us to become partners! How do I properly address this issue with him? How do I find out how he really feels? Why does he treat me like we're already together, but feel the need to not go any further?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 March 2018):
 Sweetie it is clear he does not want to be in a relationship with you. I know that is hard to take in when you have strong feelings for someone but from your post it is clear to see that he only thinks of you as a friend. If he felt more for you then he would not be dating anyone else and he would try with you as he knows thats what you want. But to him you are his friend. A friend who he has sex with some times. Yes it will change if he gets in to a relationship, off course it will. You need to decide now do you want to pull back before you get any more deeper feelings, or do you want to keep going and end up heart broken?
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 March 2018):
 You need to get this out of your head, you WILL NOT get together. If you were meant to be together you would be by now.
You have given him sex with no commitment, he has no reason to want anymore from you. Guys usually make the first move and if he hasn't done it already when you're sleeping together and you know that he's dating someone else, it's not going to happen.
If you can't deal with it then you need to back away from the situation. Let this be a lesson to you not to hop into bed with people before finding out what direction the situation is headed.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 March 2018):
 Unfortunately, you either ask him out or let it all go. You can't keep up the intimate stuff, like cuddling, sharing a bed, head massages, leaning on each other, etc.
You chose to enter into a FWB and you now have to deal with the consequences. Either ask him out or distance yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 March 2018):
 I think if there was a possibility that HE felt like you do, he would have jumped at it a LONG time ago, he certainly wouldn't be dating someone else.
Are you sure, you haven't come up with this MAYBE he and I can try... because he NOW is seeing someone else? 5 dates may not be serious yet, but it's a BUDDING romance.
All I'm saying is, if you have been fine with the FWB so far (until now) you might be more upset with him "rejecting" you for another girl and the LOSS of a friend and FWB - so you come up with ALL kind of things to ENTICE him to go for you instead of someone else - like an open relationship... that way YOU can still keep some of him around. It makes you seem desperate.
Sorry, OP If I were you I'd back off and let him see if the budding relationship is going to go somewhere or not. If they DO NOT work out maybe you two can give it a go, but for now? You missed the boat.
The thing with FWB's is that they HAVE an expiration-date. Because at some point ONE of the people want something more, something solid but they DO NOT want it with the FWB partner. Because of the "casual" nature of a FWB (guys especially) see a FWB partner as someone they don't want to date - because of the willingness to "give it up" without commitment and total exclusivity.
You want more, he wants more - just NOT with you. I get that it stings but maybe this is a little wake up call for you to seek out someone who wants to BE with you in EVERY way. Not just as friends with benefits.
I think if a guy sees you as good enough to hang out with and hook up with BUT NOT "good enough" to date, then he isn't for you.
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