A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had been in a relationship for almost 6 years (engaged to be married) and my fiancé informed me almost a month ago he likes another woman. After plenty of time I decided one night to leave him and moved everything out and back to my parents home and when he got home from work there was no trace of my existence. He phoned me in tears asking why and I explained how he wants someone else and has treated me pretty crappy for the past year and a bit and I deserve better. Moving on he wants me back and to move back home with him and I am most definitely not going back anytime soon but would I be stupid if I did go back in like two month or so? My family and friends actually hate him now and have told me to move on and get away and how he's an awful person but the truth is I love and want to be with him. I want us to be together and if he proves he can change and this other woman is a thing of the past I do want to go back but I'm worried I'd be a fool because I know how much my friends and family would disapprove of it. What do you think?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 July 2017):
 You are not a fool for loving him and wanting him. But you are a fool if you believe people will change. They dont. Wait until you see an actual permanent change before you decide. Everyone can fake a change for a month. But few can actually change, and if they do, it will be permanent. So you should wait around 6 months and see. Keep in touch with him, and say if he has made the changes and still want you and no one else in 6 months, you will come back (granted that you still want him after 6 months)
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 July 2017):
You are not a fool for loving him and wanting him. But you are a fool if you believe people will change. They dont. Wait until you seee
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 July 2017):
 Tou Wish is right, I think. What would be changed in just 2 months anyway ? It sounds like you have already made up your mind to go back to him, but you want to punish him a bit first, so you'll have a good sulk for a couple of months, and then... then what ?....
I think that in this type of situation, one has to think long and hard, whether they can swallow the bitter pill and work hard ( from both ends ) to rebuild mutual trust etc.- and STAY in the relationship while they do , or else if they want to leave, .. but once they have decided to leave they have to stay LEFT. Otherwise it's not a decision, it's a ruse, a game, and an ineffective one, because he will take you for granted as his default option and next time.. it will be the same stuff , with a different woman's face and name.
What friends and family feel about should have nothing to do , at the end of the day, with what you decide for your love life. Same as you would not marry , I hope, a man that you loathe just because your family likes him- same you should not stay away from a man just because they dislike him , IF getting together is a good choice for your life.
Which, in this case, I really doubt it is. There's not just the fact that he is crushing on another woman ( well, at least he has been honest in telling you ) it's more that , as you mention, thinhs have not been working since a while and he has been treating you in crappy ways for the last year or so. So, the crush on the new woman is not the " disease " in itself, but just one symptom of a more deep rooted disease.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 July 2017):
 Yes you would be stupid.
He wanted another woman, it didn't work out with her so now he wants you (second best) back. Why would you possibly want to go back to someone who is settling for you?
You made a decision to leave him for valid reasons, stick to it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 July 2017):
 Your loved ones are just looking out for you and want what is best for you which, in their eyes, does not include this man. In fairness, their opinions of him are probably based on what you have told them and how hurt they have seen you. While they are entitled to their opinions, they are not the ones in this relationship.
Personally I don't think you have given yourself chance to get over this man properly. By your own admission, he treated you badly for quite a while. You cannot just erase that. You do realize you deserve better. Is he going to treat you badly every time someone else catches his eye? I assume he wants you back because that particular attraction didn't work out?
Only you know how you feel about him but, in your shoes, I would give myself a proper chance to get over him (time and dating others) before deciding whether I REALLY wanted a future with a man who had "previous" for treating me badly.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 July 2017):
 You wouldn't be a fool because of the disapproval of your parents and friends, though it would be well earned disapproval.
You'd be a fool to return to the guy because you made the right decision to begin with, and now you're craving 6 years worth of familiarity, and just when you got yourself OUT of the rut you were trapped into, you want to go climb back into the mud pit.
Here's what would happen if you go back to him:
The first few weeks would be GLORIOUS! The sex would be phenomenal, the love hormones would give you a second honeymoon feeling.
THEN, the tide would go back out, leaving all of the things that brought you to this breakup STILL THERE. This has nothing to do with "Love conquers all". This has to do with you saw what your future would look like, and knew that this guy was with you until another person presented herself.
If you were to go back, you would be his "default". You will always wonder if he gets bored and his eyes wander again.
You may have been the one who left, but he's the one who blew up the relationship. It's only been a couple of weeks since he dropped the bomb on you, saying that he wanted someone else. Do you think that just went away in a puff of smoke?? Sure, she may have rejected him, or he may be in a rut and want you back, but the bomb is still dropped, and next time, the woman will just have a new face and name. Her name is "New replacement model".
You are pining for the familiar. Once you're back with him, the reasons why you got out of there in the first place will remain, and this time, you burned your family support system.
Don't contact this guy. Don't talk to him! If you left, LEAVE. Don't just move out and then take his calls like a high schooler with an adolescent secret. He is holding you back from being the true person you can be.
I'll say this to you:
Give it two years.
No contact. No thought of moving back with him. NOTHING.
Instead, go dating! Go develop your career, your friends, your hobbies you put aside for him. There were things you didn't do that you love to do but he didn't like them. Time to DO THEM! You had to put up with his nasty habits!
You have been given a gift, because in a moment of clarity, you saw the truth of things and moved out. Do not piss it away in a fit of nostalgia. He WILL NOT CHANGE. If you went back, it would be great until you fell back into your 6-year old comfort patterns, and then you'll be even MORE lost, because your family will not take you seriously when they went through all the effort to move you out.
In two years time, if there's something still there, you will be a new person, and so will he. If you find someone new, that guy will be 100 times better, and pining for this old guy will destroy a possible new future with someone not so ready to take you for granted.
DO NOT LOOK BACK. Stop it right now!
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