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I want a threesome my wife doesnt, but she's already been in one!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 April 2011) 14 Answers - (Newest, 10 April 2011)
A male United States age 41-50, *esno writes:

Here's the problem: I want to have a threesome. My wife does not, though she has had them in her past (before me). She also has a far more extensive sexual past than I have. I'd love to add more partners in the future, but I am willing to forgo additional sexual experimentation if I can just have a threesome. It's a fantasy I don't want to die without fulfilling (preferably more than once). So...what do I do? My wife won't do it and says if I do it by myself it's a deal breaker. I'm otherwise monogamous, but I've seriously begun to feel that the fidelity clause in my wedding vows was a trap. My wife had her fun when she was younger. I didn't. At the time i didn't realize what a strong desire this would become, but it has. My choice seem to be: get out of the marriage to fulfill this (and other) fantasies or suffer through monogamy for the rest of my life. Can you see any other solution?

P.S. I am warning young men away from getting married. Many young me, like me, weren't able to have the kind of sex life that they wanted (like women can) when they were young. As they get older, I've found I'm much more desirable to women and that the possibilities have opened up. Young men, as you get older, you will have more opportunities for sex. Basically, don't get married until you've had your fill of sex. 40 years old is minimum.

View related questions: her past, sex life, sexual past, threesome, wedding

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A female reader, cupidus Canada +, writes (10 April 2011):

cupidus agony auntArggg...... the bucket list returns..

Ok, so if your wife agrees to you sleeping with 2 women and she does not even attend will that satisfy you?

That's a real important question.

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A male reader, yesno United States +, writes (8 April 2011):

yesno is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have always had a desire for a threesome but I will admit that her having had them in the past, and denying me, strengthens my desire.

She enjoyed them. They are not bad memories for her. The reason she won't do them with me is she doesn't want to see me with anyone else.

The MMF threesome is not something she wants and frankly I wouldn't allow. There is no precedent in our lives for it. I never have done one and have never been interested in one. If I had done one, and she had a desire for it, I would feel obligated to meet her desire. I don't see how I can deny my wife that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

Here's what I would do.

Tell your wife that the truth is you never really liked spending lots of money on women, going on dates, nights on the town, making her feel special, etc. You didn't feel "comfortable" about it. You really just did that stuff with all your other previous girlfriends because you felt "pressured" into it just to keep them from leaving you.

Tell her that now because she loves you, you feel comfortable not doing those things anymore. She should be happy for you that you can be your real self around her. Your refusal to take her out for dates and fun like you did with all your exes is a gesture of how much you really love her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011):

Interesting thoughts Yesno. Few more questions:

Before finding out that your wife had done a threesome before she met you, did you have a burning need to try a threesome yourself?

When she mentioned/discussed her history with you and the threesome in particular, is it something she recalled with fondness and affection or was it something she'd rather have not happened in hindsight? If the latter, was it something she felt pressured to do, or didn't feel she could turn down out of a sense of insecurity? You say "She's given more to other men" but was it given freely, not under duress and with her eyes wide open going in?

If it is something she remembers fondly I can somewhat understand your feeling "shortchanged".

Given that you wouldn't entertain the idea of an MMF threesome, it does rather suggest that it's not threeesomes per se that you're interested in. Even with her prior history it smacks of a double standard that you wouldn't permit MMF but will quite happily accept MFF. If she'd done some other unusual but not unheard of activity with prior partners (ie anal sex), would you be wanting/demanding that of her rather than an MFF threesome?

"Imagine not really liking giving oral sex, but doing it anyway to please the men you are with. Then, when you get married, you decide your not going to do it anymore WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!". If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. End of. Asking her to go through with something she actively dislikes or worse in order to please you is not the answer to anything. It may well be that she wound up marrying you as you didn't ask such things of her, that she felt you cared more about her wants and feeling than her previous partners.

My point is not to try and damn you here, more to try and understand where this is all coming from as your posts speak more of resentment than a particular want/desire. If this is the case then you would likely find going through with a threesome unsatisfying, and you'd still be left with some undefined, residual bad feeling towards your wife.

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A male reader, yesno United States +, writes (7 April 2011):

yesno is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wow - thanks for the very thoughtful advice. I really needed to hear some alternative points of view. To respond to a couple of the advisers:

1) I wouldn't entertain a MMF threesome because I did not do them in the past. My conception of marriage was that the person you marry gives you the best of everything - and that includes sex. There are men in the world whom she favored with this fantasy (and it was for the men), but she will not do so with me. Maybe this is wrong, but it's how I feel. She's given more to other men and I am the man that made the lifetime commitment to her. Imagine not really liking giving oral sex, but doing it anyway to please the men you are with. Then, when you get married, you decide your not going to do it anymore WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!! There is something wrong with that.

2) My marriage advise is for men who are young who are having the kind and volume of sexual experiences they want (basically all of them). My suggestion is to wait. There is *zero* need to get married before you have fulfilled your sexual desires. For me like me, you have to wait until you are in your late twenties to early forties to really have the ability to fulfill yourself. That just makes good sense, right? No one should have my problem. Don't commit until you've had your fun.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011):

I am with you on the marriage thing. It is certainly overrated. And so is monogamy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011):

People with mismatched sexual histories can have major compatibility problems. It's not politically correct to admit this so we deny it. But it's true.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011):

Would you agree to a MMF threesome if she let you have your fantasy of a FFM? Think about it honestly. When you truly love someone (enough to make that commitment for life) you don't ever want to share them with someone else. If you wouldn't mind it, it would seem your marriage is already over, minus the fact that you want to sleep with other women.

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A male reader, AndyThai Thailand +, writes (6 April 2011):

I wouldnt discount it by why not try suggesting having a threesome with another guy first and see if she is resonsive to the prospect of this. Then if it happens then this may rekindle her past passions.

I know not everyone is the same but I love seeing my gf with other guys (had five at one time once) and do really enjoy when other women join us but I prefer when other men or couples join us.

Why not give it a try you maybe pleasantly surprised!

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A male reader, eddie85 United States + , writes (6 April 2011):

eddie85 agony auntI don't think you can hold a resentment against your wife. Generally speaking, threesomes don't fit very well into the realm of marriage. Despite your wife's past, when she signed on for marriage with you, she was under the assumption she was going to be loyal to you and you to her.

I think it is grossly unfair for you to suddenly change the rules. I am sort of wondering if you are going through a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts.

Of course, as we age, we have regrets -- wished we had sowed a few more oats, perhaps wishing we were still able to play the field, etc. But let's face it -- it sounds like you have a dedicated woman who wants to be with you. If you are still having sex with her -- what's there to complain about? You really want to deal with someone elses drama / needs?

If you feel you need a threesome to fulfill your life's inner desires, I suggest you be straight up with your wife and let her know. She has every right to call it a deal breaker.

I also don't think you can hold up your wife's past and use it against her either. Sort of like telling an ex-alcoholic that since he used to drink a lot, you can too. She's obviously changed and committed to you (how would you feel if she told you that her life's fantasy is to sleep with another man while you watch)

In marriage, everything is give and take. You'll have to figure out for yourself if satisfying your libido is more important that what you have right now. I hope you take a big giant step back and consider all the consequences.

Good luck.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (6 April 2011):

person12345 agony auntThis is a pretty depressing view to have. Some women may have a ton of exciting sounding experience when they were younger, but often times it's not the same kind of fun as it is for men. I know from personal experience a lot of my friends experimented just for the thrill of being desired, they enjoyed feeling wanted. Only one of them even said she had an orgasm from these types of encounters. Everyone I know who's had a threesome says they were awkward and unfulfilling for all parties involved. Usually the end result was, "That's it? That's what the hype was? What a waste." It looks enticing in porn and in movies, but it's really not that exciting. It's awkward.

It seems like a lot of men are overestimating how much sex other people are having. I read a survey once that found that the average man overestimated how much sex other men were having by more than 10x and that they always overestimated just how wild and exciting that sex. The average man only has 7 sex partners in his entire life.

The reason your wife doesn't want to engage in a threesome should be fairly clear to you, because it wasn't that much fun the first time around! She also probably picked up on the fact that you only seem to want a threesome is to have sex with another woman. It sounds like you're just asking for permission to cheat. If your marriage isn't fulfilling, then get a divorce or go to couples counseling for sex therapy. But if the only reason is to go have wild anonymous sex before settling down, you'll probably be fairly disappointed in how few and far between nights of crazy random anonymous passion happen.

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A female reader, cupidus Canada +, writes (6 April 2011):

cupidus agony auntRegrets, regrets..

So you want to throw out the marriage for a couple of hours with 2 other women? Or are you wanting to get it on with 2 other women often?

That is the question, if you wife were to allow you and another women to get it on, would you want more?

I think that may be one of her questions about it.

Would you be willing to have another man with you and your wife if that was her request? Think that over very seriously.

Actually visualize that.

You mention suffering through monogamy, do you think you are really suffering? Do you want out just to have sex with other women? Are there any other fantasy's or material you and your wife could do or use to create a more exciting sex life? I can think of hundreds if not many hundreds of workable solutions.

And please don't go telling other men they should not get married, this is your problem, not the worlds.

Maybe your going through a mid life crisis, most men are totally not even aware of this, they don't have alot of resources for this, it causes a lot of divorce.

You should really keep talking about this issue before you jump.

Also your wife may have had her good times, but really, ask her if they were really good times? Usually they are not the best of times, and like your own regrets, she may have some of her own.

I say keep up this conversation, it's very interesting.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011):

It's scant consolation, but I sympathise. Late 30s male here in a similar position to yourself, although for radically different reasons. I settled down early after a couple of failed sexual encounters with my wife who took to avoiding sex and avoiding dealing with the tensions it raised between us. Our solution (so far) after my skirting the edges of a breakdown has been for her to consent to one of my fantasies involving other people, one in which she was fully involved. Like yourself I've been a serial monogamist, which whilst good and virtuous has left me feeling desperately unhappy and with several complex sexual issues.

The way I see it is that she is morally within her rights to say No to you, and to say that it would be a deal breaker if you act unilaterally. You essentially need to weigh up if you would be happy going for the next 20-30 years married but without realising these fantasies. Could you live without doing them? Is there enough love and connection with your wife to make up for doing without? If not, your decision is clear although that won't make it any easier to act. Call it a midlife crisis, call it selfishness but your feelings and wants are genuine, and doing the right/virtuous thing may not be what will make you happy in the long run. You need to decide which you want more, satisfying your curiosities or staying married and faithful - barring a change of heart from your wife, you can't have both. Either way you only get one life and spending the rest of it doing the noble thing whilst being unhappy wasn't something I was continue with myself.

Feel free to ask anything about my own situation and how its played out so far if you think it'll help with your own deliberations. And I'm curious to know what you meant by "Many young me, like me, weren't able to have the kind of sex life that they wanted (like women can) when they were young." - between the AIDS concernes in the 80s/early 90s and demonising of male sexuality/deifying of female sexualty I'm inclined to agree but I'm not sure quite where you're coming from.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011):

Oh boy...

"Trap"? Really? Sounds to me, that the only one in a trap is your wife. When you proposed and said your vows, there was no warning you'd change your mind only because you are jealous of her experiences. She has those "adventures" BEFORE you, and they had nothing to do with you. And you are desiring (openly) other women AFTER you have given your vows. That itself is cheating already.

It was very irresponsible of you and to even think like this is beyond selfish. You know, your wife is in a marriage (alone), which is why she does not want a threesome. You are not in that marriage and, unfortunately, you haven't matured enough for it.

However, your advice "40 minimum" is completely primitive, selfcentered and biased. It is yet another piece of evidence of underdevelopment in the sector where your responsibility and wiseness must be stored.

And, since this is supposed to be an advice: let her know of your thoughts and expect her to be a tolerant and forgiving woman, who will try to talk some sense into you, before giving up and kicking you out on a street to play with bimbos. Not too overthinking kind though, because if she is... your marriage is doomed for good. Have your freedom and experiences. Hope they take care of you getting lonely getting old.

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