A
female
age
30-35,
*tephanie Davis
writes: Hi, I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. Im devastated that my boyfriend of 11 months broke up with me. I also feel a lot of guilt as I know I am to blame for it and it's eating away at me. I've always supported him, I cooked food for him most days and paid for meals out because I know he never had much money and he has to pay rent. I don't want to say this but without me helping him he would of starved. He mostly had a problem with me drinking alcohol even though I didn't drink often and he would be with me. He made a comment once saying that I always have to have a drink when i go out with my friends. I thought that was a bit harsh as I hardly see my friends as I'm busy with work commitments etc and when I do see them, so what If I have a drink.He would say that I harass him when I've had a drink (I can't remember who used that term harass, either me or him) which I believe is me being cheeky like being overly affectionate, wanting sex and dirty dancing just for him behind closed doors. He sometimes drinks himself and it was confusing because he used to say he hates when I drink but then a few times when we went out for dinner, he would offer me a drink! He also didn't like me wearing "revealing dresses" and would ask if I had a different dress to change into as well as punching a lamp post in public when I wore a short dress. What I feel guilty about is I've said before that we should break up in the heat of the moment when I got annoyed for no valid reason. He asked me why and I just said that we should and he then said ok. I didn't expect that reaction so I went over to his place as he lives closeby and sincerely apologised and explained that I didnt mean it and that it was my insecurity etc. I was crying. I was trying to open up to him but he was really angry which was understandable and didn't want to be close to me.I felt so bad that I decided to go home instead of staying over the night and I texted him when I got in saying that I love him. He texted me the next morning saying that he needs space and was ignoring me. I was so distraught and crying all day and then eventually we made up. That was a few months ago and then I stupidly did it again. I had a drunken night with him for my cousins birthday and I saw him sitting in the bar with one of my school mates and them too just talking. When we were outside the bar, I said that we should break up and this time I completely jinxed it because we really have broken up now and he doesn't want to get back anymore. He said that what I done showed that I don't trust him and that he can't this anymore, saying that I have no limitations. I should of never have said those things unless I meant it. I know I am so stupid and I don't know what to do!
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broke up, cousin, drunk, money, needs space, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): HelloThe reason you keep breaking up with him is because it's the right thing to do. You regret it later because he's got you hooked on him, but you know that you can't be treated like this and something in you takes over and makes you finish it. As well you should.He is abusive, controlling and manipulating you. He is playing with your emotions because he knows he can. Punching a lamppost because of what you were wearing is code....code that says if you disobey me again, this lamppost will be you. Please try and find the strength to walk away and keep away from him now. If you can't, you hopefully will be able to in the future, before he gets too tight a hold on you. When you got back in touch, he didn't need space, he was playing with your emotions and making you sweat a bit more. Read books on abusive behaviour and educate yourself as to what he's doing. I firmly believe that you keep ending it with him, because you know that that's what you have to do Good luck
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 After giving you advice on your other post, I still feel the same, he is controlling and you are much better off without him, Sweetie can you not see that this is not normal behavior from a boyfriend? What is it that he does for you? You make him food, you take him out, what does he do for you? You need to start looking after yourself now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 March 2016):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim
Right now you are hurting because you got dumped. And I get that. You tried so hard to be that "cool and perfect GF" that you put him entirely before yourself. But when you DID put your self first, like having a drink with friends (which is NORMAL) or wearing a short skirt YOU like - he would freak out. Because it wasn't about him.
What I think you miss the most is the familiarity of having someone there to take care of, to show love to, affection etc. And you don't HAVE that right now. But therein lies the Silver Lining! You CAN do SO much better than this guy.
Make the list like Auntie BimBim suggested. And you will see that too.
So what do you do now? Well, you have a cry, you spend time with friends and family and you MOVE on.
And at some point in time you LOOK back and see what you can LEARN from all that.
Maybe that you CANNOT threaten with breaking up if that is NOT what you want. If you tell someone maybe we should break up, then MEAN it. SAY what you mean and mean what you say.
If you have insecurities, WORK on them. Your BF/partner is not supposed to "fix" those for you. Learn to trust, but also know that trust is earned. So if you are with someone and you don't feel you can trust him, you might need to take some time trying to figure out WHY.
Maybe that dating a guy you feel you CAN NOT trust is NEVER a great idea.
Maybe that dating a guy who treats you like he OWNS you is not a great idea either. IT IS NOT a BF's right to tell you what to wear, how to have your hair, your make up, who you can and can not see.
But most of all.... LEARN that you DESERVE better. Better treatment, better BF.
Hopefully, in a few week you will have that AHA! moment where you realize that this guy... was not a Keeper.
Chin up!
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A
female
reader, kateisme  +, writes (7 March 2016):
Sometimes couples say hurtful things to each other in a moment of heated argument and the party who lost it will find the easy way out and mention "break up". I did it too and it can be hurtful.
He didn't want to come back to you maybe also show that he has reached his limits.
Give both of you some time to cool down and process through it. You will feel sad and painful as your heart is broken. During this period TRY to restrain any contact with him. Who knows he might start to understand why you are acting this way like you did.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 March 2016):
 Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie.
I know that you feel devastated and very sad at how things have turned out, but really, what is it you have lost?
So, as you say you don't know what to do, here is a little exercise to get you started:
Get a piece of paper and a pen and draw a line down the middle, label one column positive and the other negative. Now, write down all the different ways he treated you and you interacted in the appropriate column .... I'll start you off if you like, in the negative column put the following (on different lines) ignores me; says I don't trust him; says I have no limitations; hasn't enough money to feed himself, controls my behaviour eg drinking though I don't drink much; controls what I wear; lets m pay more than my fair share on meals out ....
you get the drift, put as many comments as possible in each column and then add them up, I think you will be surprised to see the negatives about him as a boyfriend far outweigh his good points.
His being an ignorant so and so is really doing you a favour, so write your lists, have your cry and then block his number and block him on social networking sites and pat yourself on the back for having such a close call. Imagine how horrible it would have been if you were tied to him for the rest of your life, I shudder just thinking of it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): Not much you can do as its really on him if he wants to get back together. I would suggest you move on as their is plenty of fish in the sea. good luck.
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