A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:2 years ago I persuaded my boyfriend to move to my town so that we could live together and be together, knowing full well that things weren't going very well but thought it woud bring us together. It didn't work and I found out that he was quite emotionally abusive and uncompromising about everything, so eventually moved out whilst he stayed in the house we both lived in. We've continued to see each other and be in a 'relationship' when the truth is deep down, although I love him I don't really want to be with him but because I don't want to be alone and I feel guilty for getting him to move so far away to be with me when he knows no-one here and has no car. He does not work either, so whilst I'm at work I fee guilty for him being on his own and the fact that I in a way have left him on his own. If it weren't for me, he would never have moved. A year later I got a job working for a boss who quite frankly treated me with alot of disrespect and, over the months, athough I would stand up for myself initially with all the power games he played and pushing me menial tasks that were beneath what my role called of me, my confidence was eroded. I don't know what has happened but during this time I have gone off sex and, living on my own and seeing my boyfriend every weekend and no-one else (due to the fact that none of my family or friends know that I stilll see him because they would be devastated due to the way he has treated me in the past) is making me feel trapped. It has got to the point where I don't want to see many people and I purposefully make excuses for not going out or inviting anyone around. I have pretty much alienated my family, only seeing them for short periods because I don't feel that I have anything to say because frankly I don't do anything. At work I have nothing really to talk about and the only thing I look forward to is coming home and locking myself away from the outside world. The worst thing is that I have no libido anymore and can't work out whether it's me, or because I'm not attracted to my boyfriend, or whether it's due to working in such an environment with a boss who has singled me out for mistreatment from day one and has now told me that my contract will not be renewed, even though there is alot of work coming on board. I used to be confident, happy and more sociable but all I want to do is avoid being around people as much as possible. I actually look forward to just being on my own to feel safe, but I know that I'm distancing myself from people more and more, even my family and I'm just not interested in anything anymore. On top of that, I'll be out of work soon and just don't know how much more knock backs and stress I can take. What is happening to me and how can I stop it?
View related questions:
at work, confidence, emotionally abusive, libido, moved out, period, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): you're in a deep depression that's why you feel like crap all the time, have zero confidence, and have no interest in anything or anyone. all typical symptoms of depression. You've basically shut down.some depression is biological based. Others are due to the poor life choices you have made but have not owned up to it and found productive solutions to correct those mistakes.to me it sounds like your depression is due to the latter. you have helped create this miserable situation that now leaves you feeling shut down every day. you also have this tendency to blame yourself more than is reasonable. for example you feel guilty that your boyfriend doesn't have a job?? why?? he's an adult he can very well go out and get a job. You blame yourself that he moved out here to be with you and then you broke up (sort of), and that guilt makes you sort of continue to stay in some kind of unsatisfying and stagnating relationship with him. This is an unwise decision, I mean where do you see this leading to? Do you see yourself doing this for the rest of your life?no wonder you're so unhappy. Again he's an adult, he could very well have decided not to move out here so he has some responsiblity for that. then after you broke up he could very well have moved back to where he was before, or chosen to go out and make new friends here but he didn't, it's not your fault that he didn't.He's also emotionally abusive and yet you choose to continue to stay with him so of course you're choosing to subject yourself to abuse. no wonder you're so miserable but only you can get yourself out of this relationship, no one else can do that for you.your relationship with him has made you feel ashamed. You know that your friends and family will be appalled to know you're still with him because you know that you should not stay with him. But you still choose to cling to him out of fear. You need to get over this fear of being alone, and the guilt, and do what you need to do which is get out of this relationship. Stop letting fear hold you back. there's so much potential out there to meet better people and have better relationships yet you're slamming the door shut to all of that, because you're clinging to this emotionally abusive guy whom you have zero attraction to and dont' even want to be with. that makes no sense except that it's fear based.then at work your boss treats you in a demeaning way, this commonly causes low self esteem. But you're still there. I don't blame you in this tough economy jobs are hard to come by, but if you possibly can you should remove yourself from this kind of an environment.it's no wonder you're so depressed and don't want to do anything or see anyone. Your work life sucks, and your home life sucks. You get emotionally beat up at work, then go home and get emotionally beat up at home too, then back to work to repeat again. That's a crappy way to live. no wonder you're so depressed. No wonder you're shut down, that's your psyche's self defense mechanism to making an intolerable situation more tolerable.In your situation, antidepressants won't help because the reason you're so unhappy is because of the external situation. So the external factors in your life need to change before you can feel better. I think you need to sit down and come up with some practical changes to either your home environment or your work environment. And then you need to implement them. gather up the guts to break up with your boyfriend for real, get over your fear of being alone (you will be fine, he's not that great as you already know, you won't miss him that much), you will feel better from simply not being subjected to emotional abuse. Then you can hold your head up high again and be able to look your friends and family in the eye rather than shunning them and hiding from them, and as a result you will have more human connection with caring people and that will nurture you. And then your work won't seem so bad because you're not already running on empty by the time you get to work. look, you got yourself into this mess by the bad decisions you have made. So only you can get yourself out, by making and implementing better decisions.
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Your going through a tough time, and i can understand that.
Its perfectly understandable if you dont want to be around people so much (i too prefer peace and quiet) as opposed to always being with people, so I can relate.
There is no harm in this as long as you feel comfortable doing it.
You have nothing to feel guilty for about your relationship with your boyfriend because what your going through is experienced by many. I feel if your not happy; its best to let him find him move on and eventually find someone who will make him happy. In my view, why hold onto him if your hearts not in it. Its better for him in the long run to know where he actually stands with you.
Loss of libido or increase is common during a stressful time.
Losing your job is stressy -ive been through it- the best thing i can advise is to join upto many job agencies and keep faith you will find something much better than working for your current boss.
Your life is undergoing many changes at present; its important not to judge yourself harshly because your doing all the best you can right now :)
look after yourself and think about what i've wrote.
Goodluck
...............................
|
