A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Friends, I am Indian, aged nearly 40 years. I live with my parents as I have never been married. My parents are not financially sound but have regard in family/friends circle. My younger brother is working in India but not in same state. I love my parents a lot and try to take good care of them.I am working in a private company at good position so I have to work for late hours for a few days in a month. But I am always first one to help my parents whenever they fell ill or need me.I arrange for their medicines on time and help them in their day to day tasks as much as possible. Even after coming late from office, I help them in household chores and on Sundays I do all cleaning and other stuffs. I always take long leaves to stay with them in hospital even when attendant is not required as per doctors.I worry for them and want to see them happy and healthy. But I do not know why my parents do not love me.They always find a way to quarrel with me and to degrade me.Since childhood I had been sensible and responsible and did my best in studies and other curricular activities.But my parents are not well-educated and do not have basic etiquette. They never earned enough to give us proper food,facilities and good environment. We siblings, work hard from less age to help the family.But when I teach them basic hygiene,dressing sense and behavior it always leads to big fights.They deliberately shout that I am low class girl that's why I wander here and there late night. While they are very much sure that I come straight from office in office car and my office takes very good care of me and respects me a lot because of my hard-work and honesty.My parents pinpoints me at every little task I do and always instruct me to leave their home. They mislead my brother against me. At such moments, I also start misbehaving and speak loudly with them to which they start proving that I am ill-mannered and they do not require such child so I should leave this home. I used to give my whole salary to my parents for 16 years but they now said that they do not require my money, so I just stopped giving them and now unfortunately my office is having cash crunch so I am unable to get my salary from past 4-5 months. Though, now I also do not want to live with my parents for sake of their happiness but at the same time I feel scared of leaving home and staying alone as a girl. Moreover, I do not have enough money to stay alone for rest of my life. My parents have never looked for any match for me so there is no chance of my marriage too. I am unable to figure out how can I resolve all this.I tried hard to make this family a happy family and a sweet home ...but all in vain.
View related questions:
live with my parents, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2018): Families have a way of treating children unequally, often allocating a certain 'position' or 'role' to one child (usually from extremely early on in their life) and an entirely different 'role' to another child. This can happen in many different countries and across different cultures. In your case, it is very possible that your culture and its longstanding history means that your parents think they are justified in treating you in this way because you are female.
I am not Indian, I am Scottish. I don't have brothers but I have 2 sisters - one older, one younger. And yet there are some similarities between our situation.
From an extremely young age, my mother and father started to position me as a 'third parent' and 'carer' within the family - I was very patient, kind, obedient, very intelligent and calm but I inwardly feared abandonment, even as a child (and I know now that this was because I never received nurturing and affection from my mother and that the little bits of affection from my father always came with a 'cost' to me - I was expected to behave almost as his counsellor for his emotional problems, even as a child).
What I realise now is that all of the duties and expectations placed upon me were accepted by me because I inwardly craved to me loved, genuinely, by my mother in particular. When I was desperate for even an ounce of love or respect and expressed this by trying to reason with them, I was told in the most horrible, cold way, by my mother, that I was being selfish - she would turn to my father and say 'you see, it's all about her' or 'you see, people say "oh, your daughter is so nice, she's lovely" but is she hell'. I would be in despair because home life had become awful - my father was critically ill a lot of the time, my elder sister had become mentally ill and violent and my younger sister (by 10 years) needed love and care, which I gave freely, only for her to turn agains me due to copying how my mother treated me.
What I am trying to say is that your need to be loved and respected by your parents is probably what keeps you chained to them, like a servant. You keep going back and giving more and more and more of yourself until you feel there is nothing left. BUT the point is that what they are doing to you is unreasonable and, sometimes, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO REASON WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY UNREASONABLE. Sometimes there simply is no way of reasoning.
In my case, I became estranged from my family - my mother and father when they were alive and my two sisters who I never speak to.
I found I kept repeating this pattern of 'carer' with other people outside of my original family. What has helped is realising that there are professions where elements of this caring approach can be rewarded and respected - if you can, I suggest you try to divert your care where it will be rewarded. Once your parents see you being respected elsewhere, there is a chance they will realise that you are worthy of respect - however, I wouldn't hold out too much hope. Try, instead of needing their love, to find ways to accept that it is okay to nurture yourself and okay to receive real love from other people. Look for new relationships where people reciprocate in equal measure - reciprocation is key and the way forward.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2018): You really are an amazing person.I think you need to look for a union to join because you cannot work for nothing as it is slavery.Even if the company has a cash crunch they must pay you.Also as you are so fluent in English you could find a reputable company without a cash crunch.Coming from a poorer family doesnt matter.Perhaps you have done enough for your parents because they have each other and you have a right to have a life of your own.Can you join Amnesty International as a supporter or worker or even asking for help to get your wages as it is illegal not to pay you.Please think about it.Have you thought of teaching children.Whatever you do you deserve respect and you deserve to be paid.Get your money first and sort out the rest of your life when you have the money in the bank.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2018): I am so sorry that your parents are not treating you with respect. I am not really familiar with Indian culture, but I know that you have a caste system there. Are your parents upset because you are not conforming to the role they thought you were born into? Not excusing the behavior but just looking to see if there is an explanation to it. Sometimes if you find the "why", you can go from there to see how to change some behaviors. Is it possible for you to look for marriage on your own? I know you are older and normally it might be up to the parents to make a match, but could you find your own love match? Maybe it would need to be someone from another culture that has more respect for a woman who can work and support herself, would you be open to that?The only person you can ultimately control the behavior of is yourself. You mentioned that you try to correct your parents' behaviors in regards to hygene, and dressing a certain way. Can you back off of this for them? I assume that the behaviors are not causing any others harm when I say this. Maybe if you let them wash when they want and wear what they want, as long as it is not a health issue, they will fight with you less? I think you have done all you can if you have provided for them physically, financially, emotionally, medically, etc...It sounds like you have done all of this and more for them. In your culture I am guessing this is expected of a daughter though. Are they using you like this because it is tradition, and the brothers' are treated with more dignity and respect because of their gender? Your parents love you I am sure, they just may not know how to show it. Maybe they think they look bad to the community if their daughter has to work because they cannot even support their own family.Maybe you could go to them and talk calmly about how you feel. Don't try to put them on the defensive where they will go into the usual script of putting you down and calling you low class and such. Try to tell them that you have felt bad about your relationship with them and you want to know what is needed to change how you treat and speak to each other. If possible, get a therapist to help with this.Ultimately, I hope that you continue to keep your earnings for yourself, and find a job that will pay you on time. Start to get your finances in better order, and do not support your parents financially any longer - they have sons that can help them now. You will need your own money in order to find your own place. I think if you move to your own place your relationship with your parents may improve a lot. It is hard to live with people sometimes, all the little grievances look bigger when you are under the microscope, so to speak. You have been with them a really long time. I hope something in here helps. I wish you the best, keep doing what is best for you, even when it is hard.R
...............................
|
