A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A couple of months ago I moved to a bigger city along with my chick friend who has kids. We don't live together but since we don't know anybody in this town we occasionally hang out. We are both really close since we went through a big ordeal in our group of friends in our hometown the last few months we were there. So since we became good friends it's natural to tell each other personnel details about our lives. Since I've been in this town I haven't really had luck dating. I recently went on one date and it turns out that she has a child. Unfortunatly I'm not looking for that in a potential girlfriend so I had to gently as possible let this girl down. Today I revealed this to my close friend and she got really angry. She first told me "what's wrong with having kids?" and my reply was there is nothing wrong but it's my right to have a preference. I told her just like there are girls out their who don't date short guys, or broke guys it's their right to have a Preference. Since then she hasn't replied to me so I'm guessing she took offense to it which I didn't mean to put her on the defensive. My question is should I apologize to her or not say anything else? It would be ashame if she broke our friendship over this. I know sometimes she does overreact but I'm not sure this time. Do I just leave her alone and let her come to me? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 She sided with you over her best friend, that is telling me this girl might like you as more than a friend, and it is possible that is why you hit a nerve because she has children and maybe she realized she never had a chance with you if that was your preference. I would look out for signs that she thinks of you as more than a friend, and if she doesn't maybe she was just a bit sensitive.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2016):
 With respect, that makes me even more convinced that she's got something for you, OP. Her best friend is your ex, and many times, a "best friend" sides with their friend and usually takes her side, even if she's wrong. You ex would have had to punch you unconscious in public or something so monumental to have her best friend choose YOU.
Keep that in mind, OP. I know that people disagree with me, and that's okay. But she's in love with you to drop a "best friend" for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, it's me with an update! I read everyones advice on here this morning and I did apologize to her. I told her I was sorry to think of kids as prefrences and it was bad wording on my part. She said she wasn't mad and understood what I meant. My guessing is she was mad but cooles down when I apologized. As for her liking me that is far from it. Long story short my ex girlfriend was her bestfriend. My ex girlfriend was very abusive towards me and her bestfriend(now my friend) put a stop to her. It gave me enough time to move which I was going to do all along bit without interference . My ex got very mad and started spreading lies about her so my friend decided to move to the city I live at now to get away.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (26 September 2016):
I think you just hit a nerve OP. While you are right that people can set whatever criteria they wish when dating, this does mean that some people are rejected time and time again if they possess a trait which is more commonly seen as 'less desirable'. This can then lead to them being hyper-sensitive to any mention of that issue.
I mean take your example of a short man. I have a 5'2 male friend who regularly gets angry when he encounters women who state they prefer taller men, even when the woman in question is a stranger on an online forum. He takes their words as a personal attack because he is relating it to all of the times women rejected him for the same reason. While I too generally prefer taller men (that is taller than me - I'm 5'9) I'd never mention it to him as I know he'd take it personally. If I were you, I'd apologise for upsetting her and just avoid talking about that particular preference in future. It sounds like the friendship is good apart from this issue so I think it's worth overlooking right and wrong to try to keep the peace.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 September 2016):
 I don't think she's got a crush on him. If she did she'd be upset that he went on a date with someone else, not that he didn't want to meet the other woman again....
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 September 2016):
 I did wonder if maybe she has feelings for you, but I was assuming there was a different reason you both moved....?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2016):
Everyone else has good advice. I saw something else in your post though, which may shed light on why she was so upset at what you said...
You both grew up in your hometown, then you BOTH moved to a bigger city due to a shared experience in your hometown, and then you BOTH decided to move TOGETHER to this same bigger city?
I'm surprised no one else pointed this out, but I'd be SHOCKED if she doesn't have feelings for you! I wouldn't move myself out of a hometown to mirror a guy's move to another city simply because he was a "friend"! I have other friends! However, if I were in LOVE with a guy who I've shared a very personal and emotionally close friendship with, *that* would be tempting.
Why do you THINK she reacted so profoundly to you, Einstein?? You just shot her feelings down and stomped on her heart, got into your car, ran her heart over, backed up over it, and ran over it again! You just told her that she stands ZERO chance of ever being with you as more than a friend.
Doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend or was married or had kids. She's INTO you, or I'm the Queen of England!
Those damn pesky friend zones.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): There are some things better left unsaid. Some people are much too honest for their own good. If you know something will offend someone, you don't say it. You know she has kids and to be quite honest, that is a kick in the gut. I am a woman with a son. And it would certainly bother me if I was ruled out as dating material because I have a child. I would not trade my son for the world nor my experience of being a mother. Not for any man. And not for men like you who I am sorry to say are pretty shallow and lack life experience and maturity. I guess you could say that some women who have kids would prefer to date only men with kids. Because they GET IT. Guys like you - childless AND clueless - don't get it.When you don't have kids, you have absolutely no clue. No clue how you hit her below the belt with that comment. A woman's children are everything, mean everything to her. And if anything, they make her a BETTER person. BETTER dating material because so many qualities she has because she is a mom will benefit her partner without a doubt. More patience, ability to compromise, she is stronger, more compassionate, empathetic, loving, giving. These are all GOOD things. And GOOD qualities in a person. Women without kids in general - not all - are more self absorbed. They are more selfish and is that what you want for yourself?The good thing is that women with kids have already been there, done that. If you and a partner are having kids together for the first time, there will be a lot more growing pains and disruptions in schedule and to your relationship in general.Clearly guys like you are not on the same level as women with children. All it would take is one meeting with you and I am sure they would show YOU the door.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): I would imagine that she has decided that you are not the calibre of friend she needs and she is probably correct about that!Not because you have any specific faults per se but because you are not living to the same ideals as her and she has decided to reevaluate the friendship.Its unlikely that an apology would help at all in this case because she now sees you as a wolf in sheeps clothing!I can see by chirigirls kind answer that she understands that parents have a childfriendly exclusion zone around themselves and for a good reason too!A person like you will always be pointing out how much better off they consider they are without children and this will always cause offense.The parent bubble is there for a reason, to protect their family lifestyle without interference from others.You will be the same too, when you have kids, but for now i suggest that you leave her alone.I expect she has already made friends with quite a few like-minded people and you just went past your sell-by date!I suggest you launch yourself off via speed dating where these issues can be covered in the second sentence!Good luck!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 September 2016):
I don't think you did anything wrong either, you an entitled to not want to date women with kids if you want to. It's one of those perfectly normal things to either want or not want in a relationship. It's a whole lot different from dating a woman with no kids.
Your friend took offense because she, like many other young mothers, have gotten lost in the "baby bubble" and think the whole world revolves around them and their kid. The idea that someone doesn't see their kid (or the kid of someone else) as the most amazing thing on earth, and on the contrary decides to not date a woman precisely because of the kid, turns on a switch in her brain and makes her go into drama-mode.
I say, yes, it's sad if SHE decides to let the friendship go over this, because she's not entitled to judge you for not wanting to date a single mom. But there's little you can do about it, and Im afraid she already has decided to let the friendship go. Oddly enough, she's doing this in defense of the kid of woman you dated, who she doesn't know at all, but she's in defense mode now, type "mommy bear". Raging hormones and the lot.
Just leave her be. Really. She might cool down on her own and realize how silly she is being, but probably not. At least, that's my experience with young mothers when they're on to this path of illogical thinking. And I know plenty of young mothers now, almost all of my peers have started to have kids, so I've recently stepped on a few toes myself for just as silly reasons as you.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 September 2016):
I don't think you need to apologise for your preference, but maybe the insensitivity. As has been said above, being short or broke isn't the same as having kids, so it can be a more sensitive thing to talk about, in terms of turning someone down because of it.It probably reminded her lots of guys would reject her after being told she's a mother. She probably got defensive about why someone having a child would be an instant deal breaker, when you could have so much in common.She probably understands it, but it sounds like you may have worded it without thinking that you're practically talking to the girl you turned down, as your friend is in the exact same position and you need to be a little more thoughtful about how you word it.Just send a text or call to apologise for upsetting her and that you'd like to hang out whenever she's ready to, if she wants to.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 September 2016):
 You have not done anything wrong. Preferring an unencumbered partner is a totally legitimate choice, motivated by a lot of sensible, objective concerns .
( Beside the fact, even if it were motivated by an irrational "allergy " to children, it would not be a moral flaw you 'd have to apologize about or be ashamed for. Same as some people does not like animals yet would never harm one, or some people are atheists but respect others' religious freedom . )
It is also a very, very common preference, and I think it is this that maybe hit too close home with your friend : being reminded that, as a single mother of X kids, her partnership options are restricted, and she is less
" marketable " than a childless girl, because there are many other guys who feel just like you. This may be
" wrong ", but it is- and truth is uncomfortable at times.
I am not even sure that it was a case of " foot-in-mouth ", meaning, yes of course one would not want to hurt a friend's feelings so , at times , a little diplomatic editing may be advisable- up to a point, though ! If you always have to walk on eggshells around a friend in fear of saying or doing something that she might take the wrong way, then what friendship is it , after all. With good friends you can be yourself. If you have an obese friend, of course you don't want to criticize her or put her down intentionallly, neither though you have to give up seeking the fit ladies you prefer to be politically correct .
Either my first guess , or - hang out today, hang out tomorrow, she got a soft spot for you and she was displeased to find out she is a non-starter for you.
Yes yes I know, don't chide me. Mere platonic friendship between a man a woman CAN exist and does exist, I have myself a couple of good male friends since a long time.
But, after reading on DC the tons of " I am in love with my best friend " letters, I start thinking that it may not be as easy and natural as it should be.
Maybe you feel close to her just because of the ordeal you went through together, and the fact that in a new town you are each one's only support net , for the moment,... but , who knows, maybe she hoped for more. Not impossible.
Anyway, in your shoes I would NOT apologize, you have done nothing disrespectful. Of course, if she is your only friend in this new town, you are vulnerable too and you do not want to risk to lose her ( over such a silly misunderstanding , then ) so if you decide to eat humble pie and apologize I would not blame you. But then, ask yourself if a friendship with written over " Fragile : handle with care " to such an inordinate extent, is a friendship really worth your effort.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (26 September 2016):
There are many reasons why some people choose not to date parents: some dislike kids, others are fine with them but don't want the responsibility, some don't want ex drama and still others want to share the incredible experience of becoming a new parent with their partner.
You did nothing wrong. She completely over reacted but the question is why? I cannot help wondering if she has self has experienced a lot of rejection due to her parental status. Perhaps negative attitudes that she has encountered made her sensitive to your comments. Perhaps you worded it in a way that seems critical of single parents, or suggested a dislike of children.
Whilst there for you would be perfectly justified to sit back and wait for her to apologise, if I were you I would try and be the bigger person if this friendship is important to you. Tell her that you are concerned that you have upset her, reassure her that you did not mean to and invite her to talk about it. Tell her you are sorry for any hurt feelings: this is different to apologising for your comments, which you do not need to. I think there is definitely a story behind this eruption of anger.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): Saying "You are both wrong" is the best answer to help reconcile the rift between you and your female friend. But it's not the correct answer. The correct answer is that she was wrong. You weren't. As for the comparisons, having children is a choice. Being born short is not. If anyone should be apologizing for their preference in that comparison then it's the one rejecting short people.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2016):
 I’m guessing that you aren’t as close as you thought as she didn’t know this preference after being through so much together.
She’s probably feeling you judge her in a negative way. You told her some of the personal details about your life but didn’t mention one of your deal-breakers?
It would be a shame if you didn’t understand why she needs some time to absorb a new side she didn’t know about you.
Having a preference is fine. Patronizing your friend by informing her that some girls don’t date short guys or broke guys---she knows that already.
She’s a single mother. She knows there are guys out there who won’t date her because of her having children.
Finding out you are one of them after all this time tells her you aren’t as close as she thought you were.
If you can muster an apology for omitting that detail it might help, but I’m guessing you’ve shown yourself now as a bit of a fair-weather friend.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2016):
 I think you suffer from foot in mouth and her from being a little too over politically correct.
So, yes I would apologize if she took offense. Having a kid doesn't compare to being short or broke. I would just tell her that you don't feel you can handle that commitment. Or that you don't feel mature enough for that responsibility.
Personally, (I'm married with 3 kids and my husband has kids from a previous marriage) If I were EVER single again or in my 20's - I would NOT want to date a single dad or a guy with baby momma drama. I see nothing wrong in having THAT preference. I'm sure if I were single again there would be guys in MY age group who would pass me up because I have 3 kids. And I'd be OK with that. We are a package deal, same with a single dad.
My guess is she feels that you think she is "second rate" because of the kid. That you didn't word it very well.
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