A
female
age
41-50,
*ndie720
writes:I'm back, some of you probably read my firt question and i must say i got some great advice, so here we go again. Just a reminder of what i had going on, I had been questioning about if i had fallen out of love with my guy, after countless trips to seek counseling and after many long hard talks we had both agreed that we were unhappy, but that he still loved me, I had decided that we need to split up, well that didnt go over very well. Its been almost a month since that conversation and he has refused to move out, because we both own the place which we live. I thought he would understand that it would be easier for him to go than me because or the kids. No such luck. No its worse than ever. When he is here we don't speak to each other, and when i have tried to communcate with him, he holds his hand up and tells me that im not allowed to dscuss anythung with him, that he's not going to argue. I dont want to argue either, i just want to fiqure out a solution to our problem. Its like he thinks that since i have said that o dont want to be with him, that he can just contiunue to live here and do whatever he wants and still have me fix his meals and wash his clothes. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I cant talk on the phone to anyone because he stands there demanding to know who im talking to and why. even though he is on his cell phone constantly. Ive never asked him. if i leave the house he has to know where im going and how long i will be away, and even caught him following me when i went to to the grocery store. I have never been dishonest wth him about anything and now im being treated like i should never be trusted. I've asked him why and all i get is that hand out in my face for me to shut up. I feel like ive unleashed something inside of him and i cant figure out what to do. I feel like im walking on eggshells and its really bothering me. I have thought about being the one who moves out, but hinestly i cant afford to leave a home thats paid for. rent is very expensive here. And he also said if i leave that i cant take our child with me. I would be devasted without my kid, and in all honestly, He hasnt really had to take care of his own child i have, and as crazy as he is acting i would never trust him with any kid. Someone please tell me what i should do. and explain whay he is acting this way. I didnt see this coming at all.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 November 2014):
 Sorry I'm late to this party!
This is the part where you stop talking to him yourself and secure yourself a lawyer. You don't say anything to him except in the courts, because he's threatened custody of your child, and because you need help filing in your state for how to get out of this.
Before we get into that, if you and he are no longer together, then what the hell are you doing his domestic crap for? If you're roommates, he does his own meals and laundry and whatever. He doesn't get to talk to you about your cell.
He is actually doing the smart thing by not leaving, and if you can stand it, don't you leave either.
You have the issue of "tenancy-in-common", meaning both of you has equal rights to the use of the house. The fact that you have kids will weigh on a judge's decision regarding equity of the house and settlements regarding your children. Don't listen to his emotional blackmail BS and bluster about how he's going to take the kids away.
If the home is paid for, and your name is on the deed, then you have 50% equity in it. Don't talk to him anymore. He can't stick his hand up when he's served with a summons to family court over child custody. He can't stick his hand up when he's ordered to pay child support.
In some states, your lawyer can help you file a lien for half of the fair market value of the house, enabling you to initiate foreclosure proceedings in order to recover your half of the equity. He'll get his half, and you can use your half for a good down payment on a modest house, making the payments low and enabling you to have your own house that he has zero access to.
Get your lawyer. In most states, family lawyers will help you pro-bono or very cheap. Your boyfriend (husband?? Common law?) is trying very hard to intimidate you, but lawyer up, and you will nail his nuts to the wall. He knows it too, which is why he is not wanting to move out and is stalking you like a hawk. YOU have the power here.
Finally, I say this to everyone on here considering buying a house with someone who isn't your spouse. THIS IS WHY you don't!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): I feel for you. I went through something similar which I would like to share with you. I am not saying your ex is the same in character or your circumstance is the same, but I can share how I felt and what I learnt. Me and my partner lived in our property with our son for 6 years and the mortgage was in both our names. I had not been happy for years and told him for the last six months, then when I decided to end it and I approached it amicably, he told me that he is not going anywhere as it was his house and he refused to pay towards the mortgage until I agreed to take him back. I was not expecting that. Here in the UK I couldn't involve the police as he had the right to be in the property as his name was on the mortgage. I continued to live in the property for a further 18 months, paying the mortgage alone, watching him day in, day out made me hate him even more, but it made me realise I made the right decision to leave him. I never told any of my family and suffered in silence. During that time there was an economic downturn so it took a long time to sell the property. During the 18 months i would sleep in my car, place the wardrobe behind the bedroom door to go to sleep. He became a stranger as time went on. He would do things to annoy me like leave the house unbearable unclean to get a reaction out of me. I planned my get away by closing joint accounts, selling furniture. Until he came home drunk and attempted to rape me. It was at that point I went to the Samaritans called my parents and the house was repossessed. In hindsight I would had asked for help from charity, family support etc a lot sooner. If at any point you feel the need to work things out DONT. If he cared he wouldn't be so difficult. You need a safe homely environment for your family. I dont know your financial circumstances but Just try and cut your losses and go for your own sanity. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (23 November 2014):
 Have you told close friends and family what's been going on? If not, you should. It's exhausting having to be strong all of the time so don't isolate yourself.
Second, what would happen if you didn't tell him where you were going but simply said 'out' and left? What would happen if you didn't tell him who you were talking to on the phone? If there is no risk of physical harm, then try not telling him once in a while. If the person to whom you're speaking hears him throw a verbal tantrum, you'd have character witnesses who may be handy later on.
Speak to an attorney. Talking up half and hour or an hour of their time (and yours) does not mean you're committed to using their services or even taking further legal action, but it would probably put your mind at ease to know exactly what your options and obligations are. Have a list of questions ready (email them to yourself and make sure HE can't access your account-or create a new secret one).
Just because he says something, does not make it legally binding. Much of what he says is a bluff.
Stop looking for him to be part of the solution. He's quite happy the way things are, or at least comfortable enough he doesn't feel compelled to change anything. Find out what you can on your own. That way you won't be at his mercy.
Consider getting a safe deposit box and scan, back up any important documents, family photos and the like in there. That way they're protected from him no matter where you are.
Again, don't isolate yourself. Confide in close, trusted friends and family. You don't have to be entirely alone.
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