A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So let me begin by saying im happy being in a relationship with my girlfriend. I love her and im thinking she could be the one. But over a month of dating she said she was ready to take our relationship to tbe next level.She's ready to have sex. We planned a date this coming weekend when both of us are free. But heres where the trouble starts...We were exchanging in sweet talk when I told her that i dont find her hot I find her super cute. Then it started, for some reason she pouted and got angry. TBH the first time i saw her I found her incredibly cute and irresistable but for me shes not the type of girl I'll stalk or obsess about sexually... But if you love the girl is there a difference?It got to the point where she thought that she didnt turn me on...which is sortoff true...i dont fantasize about her in a sexual way everytime we hang out but is that really offensive for girls...because as a guy its okay for me to be called cute rather than hot, sexy, or hunk. She said she'll prove shes hot and willl begin with her clothes. I love her but honestly i dont want to be with a hot girl...i like the way she dresses, the way she talks and even though I dont think shes hot i find her beautiful. Is she overreacting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2016): what is important here is not what you told her, but the way you dont fantasiz about her sexually. I dont think you are into her, honestly, you just like her but not enough. You SHOULD be wanting her sexually all the time
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2016): Oh wow anybody would swear you called her ugly or something, it's not that bad what you said, just a bit of bad timing that it's leading up to when you plan on sleeping together for the first time. I think she would have preferred to feel sexy rather than cute and innocent.You say lovely things about her, I'd love to hear a man say he found me irresistible and to be honest being beautiful and irresistible is on par with being called hot. Its just the way you said you're not hot, that sounds like a negative. A lot of men really want hot and prefer that over cute so if she thought you felt the same as them she'd get the impression she's not as desirable as you would like.I totally get why you don't want somebody over sexualised, so much importance is placed on being hot by the media. When you have people getting famous simply because of their body, people like Kim kardashian, it's all a bit boring now. Surf the net that's all you see, ads, music videos, magazines its just too much. I'm not a prude and I appreciate beauty but it just makes you over exposed to sex everyday.Just try and tell her that you dont want her changing the way she dresses for you and she's exactly what you look for. Tell her being irresistible, cute and different means more than all these half naked clones you see everywhere. Because they do all kind of blend in to one, a cute smile is nicer than a duck face. Dont worry about this, it was just a case of not getting your point across. She was a little disappointed with what you said but just because she doesn't realise that you prefer cute to hot. Shes not too mad as she still wants to see you, it wont turn into a fight if you call her beautiful when it happens. Just clarify what you prefer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2016): That is great that you think she is beautiful. Perhaps she needs to hear than said in many ways. Saying it verbally may not be enough. Say it with your eyes, your smile, your reactions. Let her see you admire her in an appreciative way. Demonstrate more often how much your cherish her.A bunch of flowers with a card that tells her that 'the flowers are beautiful, though they can never eclipse how beautiful you are to me'My husband told me once that I'm really pretty but not beautiful. Gee that hurt. I forgave him but it did jolt me.By beautiful he explained that he was referring to world recognized super models and film stars. Well excuse me for not measuring up was my response.He had some mending to do after that.You shared your honest thoughts. But they did hurt her, I imagine.I think it's time for a little repairing if the situation.Perhaps explain that you don't want to see her present in 'hot' clothing that just calls attention to her and makes her look less sweet than you know her to be. Tell her that her own sweet nature and who she is as a person are the things that attract you to her. That she is very cute and very appealing to you.My husband redeemed himself, soon after his tactless remark, by one day being so delighted by something I was wearing that he said some lovely things that lifted my spirits and my confidence.There are many ways to bring spark to things. Concentrate on her and notice the nice things about her. Whisper to her your compliments. Kiss her on the forehead after a compliment.Discover the important things to remember when giving her a back massage or a foot and hand massage and then ask if she'd allow you to demonstrate your skills in that regard.Surprise her with a weekend lunch to a nearby local place that has received good reviews.When she has her hair cut or styled then make a fuss. And comment as favourably as you feel you are able to do.Point out that you love her the way she is. You are with a real woman and you love her the way she is now, and the way she dresses now appeals to you. Hope all goes well for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 March 2016):
 Well, if you got your feelings hurt, then my point got through. I have NO idea what size your penis is, nor do I care, but for a GIRL in your AGE GROUP her LOOKS, how she is perceived is AS important to HER as how a guy feels about his penis size. Which is WHY I used that as an example. Maybe NOW you get it?
Because what you said to HER - HURT her feelings. You might have meant it in some backassward compliment, but it REALLY wasn't a compliment.
Telling someone you want to be with them but they "sorta" don't turn you on. HOW is that a compliment?
Even if you think she is the cutest, sweetest cinnamon roll with wings who can outshine "hot" girls from her pedestal, she properly would prefer that the guy she is about to be INTIMATE with has the hots for her.
Dude, you need to think before you speak.
You might have meant that she IS more than JUST her looks. And if that is what you meant... you should have told her that, instead of basically putting her down.
You are still young, hopefully you can learn from this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks for the honesty...But to tell you Honeypie honestly what you said hurt. I didnt said anything to tease or anger her on purpose... Look I love her and it didnt even cross my mind that what i say may bring her confindence down. Its not about sex or pity. Yes I dont classify my girlfriend as sexual hot but I think she's beautiful and i think the world of her right now...dudes hit on her all the time and i feel Im lucky to be with her. It just pains me to hear that some girls may even think that I said that to make her want sex more or prove herself to me. I love her just the way she is...and i dont see why she and apparently other girls cant accept that.I hope this doesnt sound offensive but i dont want to be with some oversexualized female that's the fantasy of 10 other guys... I like the way she dresses, the way she talks to me, and I'd pick her over any other girl any day...and eventually sex with her is something that I'll cherish and not because I have to but because I want to.I was worried that when she got angry that this will eventually turn into a fight...and i see now that ive basically kicked the hornets nest.I just want you all to know that Im not some player she's not a 6,7,8,9 or any number... I find her ATTRACTIVE and her cute is 1000 x more than any other HOT girls. I just hope all of you and expecially my gf can understand that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 March 2016):
Did you step in it or what?!
I would actually compare your "put down" (because THAT is what you did, you DID put her down. Being cute is for kids, a purse or pugs. Not someone we care for.) Anyhow I'd compare it to HER telling you that your dick is small but cute. Not something that attracts her sexually or wow her, it's... cute. You know like a pet rock.
I find it a shame that this girl thinks she needs to PROVE to you that she can be sexy and hot.
If you didn't find her hot - steaming hot, then WHY on Earth plan to have sex? Oh I get it, the sex was for your benefit, right? With your little dig at her looks she should somehow be grateful that you'll have sex with her?
Sorry, dude. My guess is you know exactly what you did to her. It's in the "pickup artist handbook" which is a "handbook" you should toss out.
I don't think she is overreacting and I hope she decides not to have sex with you. Sex should be out of "pity" like you are trying to come across saying.
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A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (8 March 2016):
 I'm really short, I have a baby face and I look a lot younger than I am, I would love to be some leggy Amazonian goddess who men find hot but I'm not. I get called cute and pretty but to be thought of as hot would be a much nicer compliment. Being called pretty should make you feel good because it is nice that you told her that but half the time women want to be exactly the opposite of what they actually are! Never happy :)You need to be careful about what you say though as you are admitting you don't find her extremely sexually attractive. The bit where you say you wouldn't stalk her like other women is a bit odd, stalking isn't something that you should ever do really. If you admit that you stalk people and stuff is this a case where you tend to say the wrong thing sometimes?You are saying that you don't find her really appealing sexually and it's obviously coming across to her as you are basically bewildered she has your feelings correctly figured out.If you find her cuteness a big turn on as girlfriend material, you love her clothes, you found her irresistible and you even like the way she talks, that's really sweet so maybe you should have just said all of that to her rather than say you are this and that but you aren't something else. Being thought of as hot would have probably given her the confidence and security that you are really in to her. If she is a bit put out by this comment and is going to give herself a reverse pretty woman makeover that you obviously don't want, tell her all you just said about the things you love about her and miss out comparing it to something else.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (8 March 2016):
Oh, man, did you ever blow it.
Those words are going to come back to haunt you for exactly as long as you are dating. They fall firmly in the camp of "things to never, ever say to your girl".
You're young, so maybe you didn't know. Now you've tapped into her insecurities and body issues. You've really hurt her feelings. really see no way out here.
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