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I thought we shared values. Have I read her wrongly?

Tagged as: Trust issues, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 February 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 February 2017)
A male South Africa age 30-35, *utan writes:

There's a young lady that I've been interested in for the past 4 month and it was very clear she was into me before we got separated during a one month (December to January) college break. I'm pretty sure she knows that I was into her but I didn't verbalize it. We've went to a couple of dates before and we both Christians who take abstinence very seriously, at least for me. So it seems we both hold the same values when it comes to dating e.g We can't do anything physical past hugging and holding hands. I planned on telling her how I feel after the college break (I tend to take things very slow). Now we both back on campus and now I'm not really sure if she's still into me but I decided to visit her at her place and tell her how I fell but BAM!!! ]she had friends who came to visit, so I couldn't. So we started watching a movie and one of her friend (a guy) was caressing her, touching her hair, holding her hands (She wasn't reacting at all). That pissed me off, now I'm not sure if that's a red flag or it's normal for friends of the opposite sex to do that sort of thing. What do think? Should I move on?

View related questions: christian, move on

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (11 February 2017):

Denizen agony auntIf I were you I wouldn't stop being, 'A nice guy'. That is a lovely feature and I suspect what is truly indicative of you nature.

All I would say is don't act like a prude because of some misplaced religious values.

If you decide not to continue pursuing this girl I hope you find someone special who will appreciate you soon.

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A male reader, Butan South Africa +, writes (11 February 2017):

Butan is verified as being by the original poster of the question

What did she say or do that made it clear she was into you?

It was very obvious, her friends and my friends knew. It's was also evident through the texts she was sending me.

Do you feel hand holding is reserved for people who are committed only? If that's true, did you tell her?

Not at all but I don't want to be too physically intimate with someone until we agree that we want to spend the rest of our lives together (Marriage). She's actually the one who told me she does not want to do anything past holding hands and hugging (while not married), I don't mind kissing but I was impressed we share the same values.

do you think it's wrong for a male and female to be just friends?

It's not wrong, I have many female friends, I hug them and sometimes hold hands but I don't caress them in an intimate way.

I told her how I feel yesterday and that I want to date her exclusively. We had a deep conversation. Logistic wise, our relationship won't work (We're both international students from different countries and we're left with 5 month till we leave) this is one of the reasons why I took long to tell her I like her but she knew.

Edit on my previous reply:

I was too emotional, lol... But I have a reputation of being a nice guy (Not in a sense that people can walk over me). I just don't step into people's toes, I struggle to express my emotions and I tend to not like confronting people. That should stop!

Thanks for your replies :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017):

What did she say or do that made it clear she was into you? You said you've known her four months, went on a few dates, and never got past holding hands and hugging. That's fine! But it sounds like while she's OK with that, she wanted that with several guys at once until she decided which guy she wanted.

Do you feel hand holding is reserved for people who are committed only? If that's true, did you tell her? She might want to court, and still be celibate, , but until you say, "hey Stacey, I like you and want to date you exclusively to see if you're wife material" she can't mind read. And here is a real question: if you are that chaste (which is great), do you think it's wrong for a male and female to be just friends?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017):

You never verbalized or demonstrated your feelings for for the young lady; and sometimes people get tired of trying to read mixed-signals from shy folks. I'm one of them.

If we're both adults, we should be mature enough to express ourselves and communicate effectively. I just don't have time for shy nonsense. It's cute and can even be quite appealing; but difficult when it comes to the dating-game.

I was once very shy, and it was quite crippling. It's exhausting wanting to say something and not having the courage to just let it out. I met people who forced it out of me. I'm cured! I have a fantastic mate and a lot of good friends. I'm blessed!

The other guy has no problem demonstrating his affections. I don't want to discourage nor insult your Christian values; but abstinence isn't a popular practice in college.

Even when people claim celibacy and profess to be virgins; they often don't practice what they preach. You don't know what they do in the dark, unless you're there with them. There is a way to tell if a female is a virgin; which isn't totally reliable, BTW. A male can lie his socks off. So two people can tell each other whatever they want to hear, but it may not be true. She may have decided to give-up on abstinence. You have no right to judge her if she has. It's your choice to do whatever you please with your body and sexual organs.

Stroking her hair and caressing her is a clear indication they are close, if not intimate. She allowed him to touch, so it's fine with her. He was also sending you a signal that he's interested and she is aware of it.

I do recommend that you move on. If you want to practice abstinence, it may be difficult to find other Christians who actually do. Nowadays that's called platonic friendship.

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A male reader, Butan South Africa +, writes (10 February 2017):

Butan is verified as being by the original poster of the question

As much as it's tough for me to admit, I agree with you. I spoke to her a couple of hours ago and told her how I feel (Although was still pissed).

As you can image, she threw me in the friendzone the most politest way but it didn't really hurt me because I was ready to move on.

But yeah, that's a wake up all. And it's the end of me being a "nice" guy. I've experienced this one too many time. There's been many instances in the past where girls have been attracted to me and then lose interest, many instances to the point that I don't entertain girls who are clearly into me (I've been told I'm good looking so many times so that explains ).

I"M DONE BEING A NICE GUY

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (10 February 2017):

Denizen agony auntBecause you are a Christian, doesn't mean you have to live like a monk. I don't recall any of Jesus' teachings that forbade normal courtship.

If anyone is telling you different then you must go back to your New Testament and look for anything to support your reasons to be so withdrawn. Do you think god wants you to behave so demurely or is someone telling you this? Your covenant is with god first and foremost.

If you can't show her that you have serious romantic inclinations towards this woman then you don't deserve her.

Some men will walk through hell for their woman. You don't even have to do that. All you need to do is act like a normal adult male and show this woman how you feel.

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