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male
age
30-35,
*fwolves78
writes: Hi thanks in avance for reading. my question is about "time apart". the girl im with wants time apart so she can "figure out things because she in confused, but not confused about me" - whatever that means. weve been together a year and ive treated her perfectly (honestly). we fall asleep on the phone together, go out to eat $40/night, and were together 24/7. but she always had a problem talking to other guys. we're in college and since xmas break started, shes lied to me 7 times i know of, made out w a male sripper, and now were on a "break". she tells me were not over and im not losing her but she needs time apart to figure things out. well her best friend tells me she has made comments about "wanting to get laid" and she is talking to numerous guys and "likes" one of them that she is talking to. she has said many times "i know i will end up marrying him, its just bad timing because i dont want anything seriousin college" (we are freshmen). she says nothing is going on with other guys but her best friend says otherwise. obviously everyone would drop her, but we honestly are perfect togetherand have life-long potential. do i wait? how do i handle this? its my first love. i hope ive covered it all. thank u all much
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male
reader, sfwolves78 +, writes (12 January 2007):
sfwolves78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so so much you all help tons and definitely made my day
A
female
reader, samsara +, writes (12 January 2007):
I've been on the female side in this before. As painful as it may be to acknowledge - always, for me, - the *you* guy was my stand in. You were my "just in case I don't get what I want" and more to the point, "What was it I wanted?" [Oh I didn't know. To sow my wild oats?]
In college I had a boyfriend - a steady. Toward the end of my time there I went crazy. Still had my boyfriend and kind of breaking up with him - just long enough to see what this other one "had to offer." I did that often and my boyfriend busted me. This correspondence could have been from him several years ago.
Only after college and "growing up" did I realize he was a kind man and did not deserve what I put him through but you couldn't have told me that those years ago - anymore than you can tell her that today.
My advice: She is so young. You are too - and you are already mature. There is a woman out there [right now] who will appreciate your faithfulness and loyalty and sensitivity. [I do!] Unfortunately, any girl in college who is in the "sow her oats" mindset will not *and* will probably treat you exactly as disrespectfully as you allow.
She wants time off? Great. Give it to her. Do you wait for her? Sure! If you value your time in this life so little wait for her. Otherwise, my friend, you get out there and meet some women! Go socialize!
PS. ...and remember safe sex. A high incidence of HIV cases are coming up in the heterosexual community due to alcohol and drug use [which equal failure to wear condoms]. Please protect yourself especially while in college with all these party people! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): I think that the problem is that she believes she can have evereything. She wants a break to do whatever she wants and then when she's finished and realised it's not fulfilling, she wants you to be at the end of the tunnel waiting for her. It's very selfish of her but it's also your fault in the sense that your behaviour have led her to believe she can do that and not lose you.
I think it is bad timing in her life, probably if you had met her at a later stage of life she would be the one for you. But she's not, at least not now. If the future brings you back together at a more suitable time then great. But it's better for your mental health if you don't wait for that to happen.
What I think you should do, but of course end of the day it's your life, is tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. She has to choose between you and those men, if she still choses to have fun and be with other guys, wish her luck and move on.
Easy said that done, believe me I know, but you deserve better. And as hurtful as it seems now, you have to be stong or it'll only get worse for you.
Sorry to be crude. Hope it helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): As much as it is going to kill you i think you two should have a break. You both sound quite young and at that age you maybe are a bit too young to get settled down with just one partner. If you try and tie her down now you will live to regret it later as she decides to 'experiment' with others. Please just let her have a break and keep your distance and be prepared for the fact that this could be the end. She sounds too young to be in a relationship, if that is the case then cut her free and you two go your separate ways, Life is too short, so go out there and enjoy it!
Take care
xx
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A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 Mate, I have been in your situation. I know what it is like to wait in the hope that things will all seem perfect once more. You cannot change her feelings, no matter how much you believe you can. I realise that she is your first love, but I feel you must really let her go. She knows what she wants in life. She wants the excitement of other guys, yet she is not willing to walk away from the security and love that you are willing to offer her. She wants to go with any guy she pleases and eventually meet the right guy who she can marry. She is using you as a fall back plan. You can be there for her to love her and care for her when things dont go her way.
The lies start small and trust fades just as quick as animosity builds up. Regardless of any advice you get on here, I foresee you sticking by her because you love her so much. I did this and was eventually destroyed by the person I thought was my soulmate.
I really think you need to find the strength to let her go. Let her realise that you are no longer there for her and she will realise just what she is doing to you. Losing you will make her want to keep you. You seem like a lovely guy. I have been to hell and back in the same situation. I would hate to think you will go through what I did.
Let her go and let somebody more deserving of you into your life. It will be hard, there will be tears, there will be times when you think you cannot cope anymore, but there will come a time when you realise that you are happier. Then you will know you made the right decision. You think you are suffering now mate, stay with her and you will realise just what it is like to suffer. Walk away with dignity and let her do what she wants. You deserve better....MUCH better.
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A
female
reader, TDMB +, writes (12 January 2007):
 I have to say it's not sounding good. I think you do ned to take a step back and let her do whatever it is she is going to do anyway. If she sorts herself out and comes back (and you still want her by then) that's great, and if she doesn't, well that would have happened anyway. I know it's tough (and I really mean that as I'm going through a relationship break-up myself at the moment) but there really is nothing else you can do. Hope it works out for you x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Normally i would not listen to the "friend" as she may have her own agenda but in this case what the friend is saying totally fits in with what you know and have observed yourself.
You say you are perfect together - wrong mate, in your eyes maybe so, but not in hers. If you were she would not be doing all of this.
She says she is confused but not about you - wrong, if she wasnt confused about you this wouldnt be happening.
There is such a thing as the action compass. It means ignore what someone says as it is often what they think you want to hear and instead watch their actions.
What are her actions telling you.
1. She has already cheated - desires others over you in the past and now also the present
2. She wants a break or a break up - doesnt want to be with you
3. She has lief 7 times you know of - red flags, why be with a lier, She is lying because she is doing stuff that is not honest and is detrimental to your relationship.
4. Mate says she wants to get laid - bad bad bad. If you were her "one" she would never need to get laid.
5. Mate says she is talking to someone else - she has your replacement lined up.
Right, add it up mate. You are fighting a losing battle here for the moment. She either has grown away from you OR it is not the right time for you at the moment - she has to get something out of her system. Maybe experiencing other things will make her appreciate you more.
For now you HAVE to walk away and give her time and space to discover BY HERSELF whether this is what she wants.
If she discovers that it is you she wants then you have to decide at that time how you view what she has done in the interim - something that made her appreciate you more or that she didnt like you enough.
One word of warning, the more you try and grip on, the more she will feel she needs to flee.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 Hi there
Love hurts unfortunately. I think your gf is not confused she knows what she wants to do, like u said getting laid and not wanting a serious relationship. I think she wants to explore herself with other guys, u said “you are together 24/7 and she has trouble talking to other men” and obviously she would like to talk to them but how will she do that if you are always there? Give her the space to grow and mature she need that now otherwise she will start sleeping around with those men and this will hurt you more.
I believe from her lies and excuses she is not worth waiting for, u said she is confused not about u which means she is breaking up with u regardless of how much she loves you or wants to be with you. So how long do you think this confusion will take? The answer to this question will help you decide. Good luck
Jovial
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A
male
reader, sfwolves78 +, writes (12 January 2007):
sfwolves78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontonight was the first night she hasnt said good night before going to sleep. its killing me
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