A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:help! i dont know what to do. my sister is a lesbian or so she says as she has slept with men on occasions when she has been drunk. the thing is i am at my wits end she is 9 weeks pregnant and wont say who the father is but i have worked out that the baby was conceived on a night when she stayed over with my male cousin and i know that she shared a bed with him as i remember my aunt said that she was drunk and fell asleep in his room so it could only be him as he was the only male she spent any time with that night. what will i do as my family's wanting to know who the father is and i feel the baby has a right to know its father but i feel this is wrong for my sister to be having his baby as well as her still sayin that she is gay could things be any more confusing help as i am really stressed out with worry.
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conceive, cousin, drunk, lesbian Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): I share your problem i think my 18 yr sister got drunk and got pregnent and now she has baby name books and know she wont come home but anyway why dont you talk to someone you trust.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): you "think" your sister is havin your cousins baby....you dont KNOW for sure!!!..and what if she is??? i think thats her business...and if your anything like a sister should be you would stick by her and keep your mouth shut...my sister has confided so many things in me and me in her...we would never dream of "interfering" we just be there for each other..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): if your sister was drunk and your cousin was sober that is so out of order to take sexual liberties with her. tell a trusting relative of your fears if your sister will not tell your parents ,you cannot sholder this worry and your sister should not hide it either as if it should be revealed later it could cause a terrible rift in the family. lets hope she comes to her senses and tells your parents and they can all reach a decission on what to do .it is not good for her to live with this secret, she might resent the child at a later date in life,she is confused and scared i would think
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A
female
reader, SweetSixteen +, writes (23 January 2007):
 your sister can't exspect you to sit there and say nothing it'll be the hardest thig you've ever done. if you don't feel that you could live with yourself knowing this child IS going look like him and that ur aunt is never going to know that the baby is her grandaughter i know you're going to be fighting a lossing battle but you have to convince her to tell them.
it's not your decission whither or not they know but it is your sisters decission whither or not she makes you have to suffer by living with this secret every day of your life.
remember you can't live someone else's life but they can help you live yours
Hope i helped SweetSixteen!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have already spoken to my sister and she had originally not planned on havin the baby because of her situation but changed her mind.i do believe that she will bring this child up as best she can but she day she has said herself that she will go through the rest of her life hoping that this baby doesnt turn out to look like him so what happens if this baby does as she has said that people will figure it out and i feel that my auntie was really good with me when i had my little boy and so was his sister the thing is i might not agree with what they done but at the end of the day how can i sit in the same room when my aunt or cousin holds this child and know that this is their grandchild and not say anything.
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A
female
reader, SweetSixteen +, writes (23 January 2007):
i know it may be weird to think that your sister had sex with your cousin but legally it is allright. if she only sleeps with guys when she's drunk i know you don't want to think about it but you need to talk to her about whither or not she wanted sex with these guys when she was in an entoxicated situation. i still believe that your sister is gay but i don't get why if she believes in her sexuality strongly she is having sex with these guys, unless it's like i've already suggested.
as for the baby i think you should talk to her first, if you get nothing out of her try talking to him and than if tht doesn't help than tell your family what you think, it will really help you to understand her situation if you just talk to her and see what she says.
communication is allways the first step to finding out the truth.
Hope i helped SweetSixteen
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A
female
reader, charley mcfarley +, writes (22 January 2007):
hiya darling,
first of all ...
do NOT tell you family without confronting your sister about your worries.
find out the truth.
i really dont have much else to say until you have confronted your sister and found out what is really going on.
just mention that you have worked it out and you are sure its him.
btw it may seem sick but it is legal for cousoins to be married so it cant be as awful as it seems, i guess though if it really would be a burden to her and the family it would be best left alone. maybe it would be best if nobody knew who the father was.
a friend of mine was the result of a one night stand and her mother brought her up knowing that, she doesnt feel and resemption towards her mother and is not that curious of who her father is either. maybe things are best left as they are =]
anyways im only young so i wouldnt realy take my advise to heart, its just an opinion, but maybe its worth a thought ey.
xxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): Martini here again...
In short, you willingly helped your sister. You could have chosen to do otherwise. Now that there's this issue, you want to expose her for what she has done. Yes, you've been there for her. Yes, you've helped her through so and so. Yes, you've been supportive, etc, etc, etc. HOWEVER, you WILLINGLY helped her. No one forced you. Now, come to think of it, does helping someone automatically translate to tallying up the amount of times you've aided her? Ultimately, this is their problem. You may have your own moral ideals, but this is their problem. I don't know how much more I have to stress and underline with big thick black markers under the words "their problem".
Eg: when a friend is in need, what does a friend do? support, give advice, be their refuge for thoughts, etc. What is a friend supposed to NOT do? Condemn and put them in an even worst position. Mind you and obviously, if she committed murder or that sort of crime, then obviously and depending on the reasons, you can tell on her. Otherwise, this is THEIR PROBLEM.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 Anon,Your sister's sexuality is not your business. If she says she likes women and not men, then who cares? This doesn't matter so don't concern yourself with it.It sounds like you need to be a little more accepting of your cousin being the father. Stop being angry about it. Being angry isn't going to change anything, is it? It's just going to frustrate you to no end.About the baby not having a father - there are plenty of kids out there who grow up without a father and so many of them do just fine. Plus, you don't know if your sister will end up telling about or even being with the cousin. If she does, then fine. If she doesn't, then that's fine, too. And she might even meet someone else would eventually become the child's father figure. The bottom line is that this is not your baby and you really don't and shouldn't have a say in who the parents should be. That is for your sister to decide. I think that the most you can do is voice your opinion to your sister - if she asks for your advice.Why is it foolish that she thinks nobody will find out? Without having all the details of this problem, it seems as though she might want to keep this secret because she may not want the child to be looked at differently than it will be if it's not your cousin's baby. I think that society is far more accepting of babies coming from two families as opposed to one (you're proof of this way of thinking, too). Have you ever thought that she *is* looking out for her child? And if you know who the father is and you're keeping it from everyone for the sake of your sister, then good. It shows that you are supportive of her and can be trusted.Look, there is no reason to tell anyone in your family the information you know. Your sister is not hurting herself, she is not hurting the baby, she's not hurting the cousin, she's not hurting anyone.And if you do decide to tell someone for some reason, then be prepared for all sorts of problems. Nothing good can come of your spreading the word. If your sister wants to, then *she* can tell people. And if she *wants* you to help her tell the family and be there for *support*, then she will tell you.BTW - have you told her that you are thinking of telling the family? What are her thoughts on this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso the thing is it is alright for yous to ask why i want to tell my parents but i am the one that has been there for my sister it was me that told my parents that she was pregnant as she was too scared it was me that went to her scan and midwife appointment and i wasnt being nosey about the father my sister told myself and my parents that the father was a really nice guy but was choosing not to tell him because she didnt want any interference in her life with regards to her sexuality and with regards to her being bisexual if that was wot she was then fine i do love my sister but she insists that she still does not like men not even sex with them so why sleep with one especially my cousin it is just that i feel as if i am keeping this dirty little secret and my sister wants the help at times then other times she throughs everything back in my face and is really childish at times as she says that this baby will never know its father and she will never tell it who he is now that cant be fairwhy get herself into this situation. I just feel as if i am stuck in the middle i want to help my sister but on the other hand i am so angry with her for 1:getting pregnant by my cousin.
2:choosing to deprive this child of a father.
3:foolishly beleiving that noone will ever find out as it will come out sooner or later and i will have known all along.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (22 January 2007):
Anonymous,
I strongly suggest not saying anything to anyone. You already said this is going to cause problems, so don't create more drama by being the one to say anything. Do you think your sister would really appreciate you telling people what you think is going on? Will this resolve any problems? Do you think your sister would trust you with anything ever again? How will the relationship between you and your cousin be afterwards? Do you think that by you telling everyone it's going to help him in any way? And how will it help the baby if you are the one to tell your family what you think happened? Would you still feel the need to tell your family what was going on if the father wasn't your cousin? Start asking yourself WHY you want to tell your family and WHAT you will accomplish by doing so. I think you'll find that telling your family about your sister's pregnancy is not a wise decision.
Also, try thinking about it from your sister's/cousin's perspectives. How would it make you feel if your personal life was outed by her or him to the entire family? I wouldn't think you'd be thrilled or relieved - you'd probably be stressed to no end, and that is no good at all when you're pregnant. Have you thought about what sort of effect this stress could have on the pregnancy itself?
If I were you, I would try to support your sister in anyway possible. When and if she is ready to reveal this, she will. It is not, nor should it be, your responsbilitiy.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, martini  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 Look, simply, let them deal with this. Whatever questions you may have to try to satisfy your curiosities of why and what and how, it won't be answered in a fulfilling manner. Just live with it. Sure, it's harder than said, but that's the thing. It's between them, not you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): Oh, don't you dare say anything!! It might not even be true and you'll be starting havoc among your family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that you r saying that it is none of my business but my sister got drunk then went back to my aunt and uncles house and slept with him the thing is my aunt thinks that it was all innocent and that my cousin was just looking out for my little sister as our family are really close. not only that my sister knows herself that sleeping with him was wrong as she said that noone could ever find out and that her and this guy had agreed this because it would cause chaos. i have just realised that it is my cousin. the thing is she even admitted that he didnt have condoms but still chose to sleep with him and that she was going to go for the morning after pill but chose not to so the thing is how can i look her in the eye knowing that she is depriving that poor wee baby of a dad just because of her and my cousins own ignorance to the fact that she could have ended up pregnant. i know that if my family find this out they will be really upset as my dad and my aunt are really close and it would cause problems so how could she be so stupid.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (22 January 2007):
 You can't be stressed out with worry. That's your sister's prerogative, not yours. She's the one who's pregnant. It is perfectly legal to get married and have babies with your cousin and she has done nothing wrong. Your family might want to know who the father is but it's her secret to tell them when and if she's ready. Just be there for her and be excited about the new baby instead of worrying about how it came about. None of that is important now.
CD
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): What gives you the right? Is it your body, your baby, your right to be noisy and blurt out someone else's business.. NO! Sounds like you need to get a life of your own and stop messing around in the affairs of others. If she wants anyone to know, it's her place to tell them. Not yours. So, the advice is to let people get on with their business and you minds yours. Enough said.
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 This may sound a bit harsh but I think that a woman's pregnancy is her own business (as long as she's over the age of 18).
If you have to talk to someone about this then talk to your sister, but don't go behind her back and tell the family. Most likely it would severely damage the relation you have to her.
And don't worry, in time she will probably let the family know who the father is.
As for you writing that it's wrong for her to call herself gay, does it really matter? Think of her as bisexual if it makes you any happier.
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