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I think my husband had gay sex with our dinner guest!

Tagged as: Cheating, Gay relationships, Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2012) 4 Answers - (Newest, 28 July 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *cey1978 writes:

I have a bigger problem than my last one now! I think my husband of 4 years is having a gay affair! Ive talked to him, but to no avail, we just end up arguing, let me start from the beginning, 3 weeks ago, he kept making excuses to go out, 2 weeks ago, his underwear was drenched in cum, both back and front, and then i had the incident i posted earlier, and 3 days ago, he introduced to this guy, i will call him Kevin, he seemed nice enough, and came round for dinner, all night they were flirting with eachother, and i'd had enough and went to bed, i was awoken by the sound, which sounded like slapping, intregued, i sneaked down stairs, but they must of heard me, i peeped around the corner, and saw my husband and 'kevin' quickly jump up from the sofa, grabbing at there jeans, when i questioned my husband, he dissmissed me again! The next morning, again his underwear was stained, and he smelt funny, well like man! Am i being paranoid, or is ge gaving an affair with another man?? Please help!

View related questions: affair, am I being paranoid, flirt, underwear

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012):

You don't sound paranoid at all according to what you wrote! Here is what you need to do dear:

Keep a distance from him, treat him just too formally without saying a word more than needed. Once he enquired what's going on, tell him 'very' calmly, and with confidence that you are a person who has no issues at all with different sexual orientations, that you are more open-minded than what he might have ever thought / known you were. What you cannot tolerate, however, is lying and hiding truth, especially when you are sure of what you're talking about. Your voice tone and facial expressions play a huge role saying this. Keep it calm and confident. I reckon he will come around and open up. Tell him you are the person who does not care about orientation at all, and really tolerant with bisexuality, but it is taking you for a fool when you are sure of what's going on what can really bother you and change you. Show him that you're taking the infidelity and hidden orientation SO lightly, and put your focus on the lying and hiding part.

On a different note, very important one though, PLEASE go discreetly and get checked for HIV and STIs panel. MSM "men who have sex with men" is the highest risk group.

In the event you become evident of his cheating, it's your decision whether you want to stay or leave, but please take into your consideration that that man IS a cheater, and not only a cheater, but an irresponsible one who puts your health, and possibly life, at serious risk. Think if this man is the one you'd want to continue your life with or not, and take it from there.

Best luck.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (28 July 2012):

chigirl agony auntI don't think you're being paranoid either. Maybe you should try to isolate your husband so you get a chance to talk to him in absolute privacy. For example, take him with you for a hike up a mountain, or go for a long walk, or take a weekend trip somewhere. Just you and him. Then see if he opens up. When in an intimate situation with just you and him spending time together, he might just open up to you and tell you about what is going on. Don't confront him, first give him a chance to come clean on his own. You've already tried a mild confrontation, and he denied it. Confronting again will just make him deny and deny and deny further.

Try to make him open up instead. Then, think about what you want to do about this. Separation for a period? Work on the marriage? Move? Divorce? What do you think you want to do about it?

An affair is an affair, regardless of the gender of the person. But I do have more sympathy for a person if they were gay their entire life, but married because coming out of the closet was not an option (not all societies accept homosexuality, perhaps he'd be frozen out of his family, or have his friends turn their back on him etc).

Don't forget though.. you are his wife, he married you. You and him have a connection to each other, and know each other well. You probably know him better than anyone else. Use that to your advantage when you talk to him and approach this issue. Trust in YOUR judgement of him, and not in what others might say about him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012):

I think the best thing to do is some extensive private investigating. Get on his trail and see what clues he leaves behind to aid in your suspicions.

Don't jump in all guns blazing with accusations, and since you've already asked him what's going on and he's dismissed you, that's a waste of time too.

Play it cool and see what else you can find out before confronting him again. Its better if you have evidence to present to him which he can't deny, than to have just a suspicion to which he can continue to tell you you're being silly about.

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A male reader, Flashtony United Kingdom +, writes (28 July 2012):

I don't think you're being paranoid...it seems pretty 'in your face'...confront him... you need to know...because unless you smelled rubber too...they're not using condoms and consequently he's putting your health at risk. good luck!

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