A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried my girlfriend is getting bored with our relationship. We've been together nearly 4 years. She keeps asking questions like "Do you ever feel like we're more like friends than a couple?" or "Do you ever wonder if we're a normal couple?". If I ask her what she means she'll say something like "I just mean like are all couples this comfortable or should our life be more exciting?". If I turn it around and ask her if she feels that way, she'll say no, she was just wondering. I love her and I'm happy with our relationship, although we only get to see each other every second weekend right now (we lived together for 2 years but since June she's been living 3 hours drive away doing a 6 month internship). I'm worried that she's kinda moving away from the relationship. She's always been really independent, she travelled alone a lot before we got together, and now she seems to have settled well where she's living and she's always talking about the new friends she's making in her office and everything. I'm glad she's doing well but it feels like she doesn't really miss me and our normal life here - when I say I miss her she says she misses me too, but I get the feeling she's just trying to make me happy. She very rarely texts me first, and it's nearly always me calling her. I almost feel like I have to pester her to stay in touch. How do I talk to her about all this without potentially pushing her away?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): OP, my girlfriend and I truly love each other! We plan to get married after she graduates from college in May 2020. I went to a 2yr community college and she attends a major 4yr university, over 200 mi away. Now we are together, all summer and over Christmas/winter break. We both have high sex drives, and her drive is even higher than mine! We mutually decided that while we are apart during the school year, that rather than cheat, we take a temporary break, and are free to have sex, with other people. We of course use condom protection ALWAYS, and my girlfriend is on the pill too. We both agree that condoms are a must, until after our wedding! We have erotic phone conversations, telling each other the details of each of our sexual encounters. We both get turned on, hearing the other describe all of the sexy things they have done to, and received from another. Neither of us are jealous people, and we both know exactly who we want to be with, so this works really well for us. Your girlfriend may benefit too!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2019): Hi, thanks for your answers. Maybe I should say that she's been in relationships before, although I haven't, so she's not really that fresh to relationships. She often asks me if I'm not curious about sleeping with other people because I've only been with her and she says "Don't you ever want to see what else is out there?". I definitely do wonder if she's the one wanting to go do that and it makes me paranoid. It's hard to back off and give her room to miss me when I'm scared of losing her. And she doesn't seem to notice at all that anything is wrong. As for getting engaged, I'm only 23, maybe that's a normal age for marriage in the US but it's considered very young here. We've talked about marriage but much further down the line, it's not in the plan for now.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2019): Your long distance girlfriend sounds like she is bored with what your relationship has become. She is trying to get you to take the hint about putting excitement back into your relationship, if there ever was any. She may well want you to suggest an open relationship or perhaps even a cuckolding relationship. It seems that you are best friends, but that she wants to gain excitement and sexual fulfilment from another man, possibly from one of her friends, who she has made, where she is now living. Whether I have this right, or not, you need to have a serious, in depth conversation about what you look to get from the relationship, and to find out what her needs are, and how those needs can be met! She has been waiting for you to make a move, for 4yrs and now she is wanting someone to make a move, even if it is not you! A woman is not going to wait indefinately for a man who is just treading water. She also could he hinting for you to suggest ending the relationship, to just be friends, so she can date again!?!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 August 2019):
 Her questions make me feel she is not experienced in relationships, so she does not have a reference point to compare. 4 years is when a relationship hits a plateau and you start to feel comfortable with each other. There is the good and bad about being inexperienced. The good is that she is more likely to hang on to you because you are all she knows. The bad is that it's possible she is curious about other types of guys. Being fresh at relationships could also mean she doesn't know how to communicate with you about important issues. If she doesn't know what "normal" is, you need to set the boundaries and lead the relationship. Don't always wait for her to define what this relationship is. You don't have to call her every day. Just enough to show you are still there for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 August 2019):
 I think what she is saying is what she is thinking. She doesn't want to hurt your feeling so she isn't 100% honest, the pulls the "I was wondering" card out as her response.
I would say reel it in a little. STOP be the ONLY one who takes the "first" step all the time. As in, IF you are the one always calling, always texting, always saying "I miss you" etc... PULL back a little - GIVE her room to miss you. And room to think. If you are CONSTANTLY there and available you become someone she "just" take for granted and that isn't very "exciting".
Set yourself some goals while she is gone. Have a social life while she is gone (not chasing other girls but do things YOU enjoy, can be sports, like hiking, kayaking or whatnot, or museums, art, music.. whatever, and DO this with friends - I'd suggest a MALE friend here by the way, not a female. There is no need to try and create drama or try and make her jealous.)
There are only 3 months left until she gets back. Which is time enough for both of you to figure out what the next step is.
While I get what WiseOwlE is saying about having been together for almost 4 years and no proposal, I think it would be the ABSOLUTE wrong thing to do right now. You shouldn't propose because you are afraid of losing them.
The "tighter you hold on to her, the more she will pull away. It's like with a horse you don't know well. If you get in the horses face and the horse doesn't know you or isn't in the best mood they will not enjoy it. If you, however, give them a scent, a sound and glimpse you might make them curious enough for them to want to get in YOUR face.
Or if you have a dog that knows it's name but CHOOSES not to come when called, you start walking the other way and the dog will follow. (not calling your GF a horse or dog - just using those as examples of how you can "lead".)
She sounds like a free spirit who has gotten a little complacent in the relationship. That is why she comes up with these statements or "questions". SHE isn't suggesting things to improve the "excitement" or whatever it is she is missing. She somehow PRESUME that you are a mind-reader and will fix whatever it is. She is HINTING.
Which is why you now have a good 3 months to try some NEW things and when SHE gets back, try them with her.
It might also be that she is contemplating a break up. She might feel she has outgrown the relationship. In that case, there is NOTHING you can do to "fix" it.
For now though, I'd give a bit of space, not be so "needy" with contact and PUT IN as much effort as SHE is. If she wants things to work she will notice this and start making more of an effort without you having to ASK for it.
Try it and see what happens.
She might also ASK you what's up. Then HAVE that conversation SHE is avoiding.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2019): You love her so much, but not enough to propose. After four years of being committed, she's ready to take the next step; or just move on with her career. She's growing-up, my friend.
Her questions seemed pretty direct and made much sense to me. Before she made a decision about her job; she came to you to see just how much you loved her. If it wasn't enough, she decided to do what was best for her and her career.
Don't get me wrong, you shouldn't rush into marriage, unless you're ready. You're probably still under 25, and in the process of getting your life and career in-order. That's fine. I'm suggesting that your girlfriend was getting her own priorities in-order, and making room for growth. If in the process she has outgrown the relationship; perhaps it is time you readjust your feelings, just in-case she continues to distance herself. Some people are in our lives but for a season; then it is time that they move on.
Gather your strength and courage, and ask her if she feels the relationship has run its course. Her questions pretty much answered the question; but if you need her to be more direct about it, it's better to know sooner, rather than later. You'll need time to come to grips with the situation; if separation and a breakup is what she really wants.
Be strong, my young friend! I wish you the best!
...............................
|
