A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:An Oral Sex Dilemma My boyfriend and I have been discussing about oral sex for a few weeks now. We have very different opinions and want the opinion of outside individuals. I think that it is degrading to give oral when if it is not reciprocated. I don't mean that exact day but in general. He has never given oral in his life and is not comfortable giving it yet. I am fine with that and am patient with him and don't ask or force him to do it. I just don't want to give him head until he is ready to give as well. I feel that it can be degrading regardless BUT when it is reciprocated you are both being vulnerable to each other and providing self-less pleasure to each other so it makes it more comfortable and doesn't feel degrading. He believes that since I have given head to men in the past I should be giving it to him as well. He doesn't like the thought that another mans penis was the last one in my mouth - and not his. He thinks I should give him head and be patient in the meantime until he is ready to reciprocate. He doesn't understand how it is degrading when not reciprocated. He understands that it is unfair but not degrading. Who is wrong? Who is being stubborn? What are your opinions? Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): Besides being stubborn I think you both are being silly.
Many many people enjoy oral sex and you both are missing out because of a silly argument.
I think you should point out that if he has never tried cunnilingus how does he know he won't enjoy it? A lot of guys really enjoy giving it!
I also don't see why you couldn't give him a BJ or two and then stop if he refuses to reciprocate. Is it so hard to give just one? If it is, maybe he is the wrong guy!
I'm a little confused about whether you have found giving head degrading in the past. If you don't like it, don't do it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2017): If you think it's degrading then don't do it. Period. I don't think it is and enjoy giving oral. If I thought it was degrading u wouldnt do it or expect someone to degrade themselves by doing it to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): N91, I don't buy his excuse either, but some people like receiving oral and aren't comfortable giving it. That doesn't mean a partner shouldn't give them oral (if they're comfortable with it) just because they won't get it back. Intimacy is give and take, not tit for tat.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 OP you are both going about it the wrong way. Why have you been discussing your past with him and the number of men that you have performed oral sex on? How is it any of his business and why should he know what you have done in the past?
I am also finding it a little difficult to come to terms with the fact that you find this particular act degrading because any consentual sexual act should not really be termed as degrading. Healthy, recreational sex is about pleasure. It's something which would make you happy. Why are you looking at it in terms of being degrading and derogatory? Have you been subjected to rough oral sex against your wishes in the past? And why is it only degrading if you perform it and your partner doesn't? If he does it for you then it becomes fine? Anyway I guess that's your perspective and you have a right to think the way that you do. What your boyfriend doesn't have the right to do however is to demand that you please him in a way that you have done with previous boyfriends. THAT in my book is degrading.
Basically he is demanding oral sex, making excuses by giving you a ton of bullshit and pressurizing you to perform it for him. He on the other hand will not do it because it suits him.
OP do you honestly think this is the guy for you for life? Not just because of the blow job issue but just by the way he IS...I mean, who talks like this? Who, in a respectful relationship, actually behaves and talks in this way? Another man's penis was in your mouth so now he wants his? *Shudder*!!
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (4 October 2017):
I'm guessing by degrading you mean that you feel he views sex as all about him. As something the woman gives and the man takes rather than something you both share to pleasure each other? If so I do get that.
Honestly, it sounds like he has some twisted views of sex if he's focusing on other men's penises when he's supposed to be making love to his girlfriend!! The fact he is unwilling to concede that you have just as much right to refuse as he does would be a deal breaker for me too. In my experience that sort of entitled mentality spills over into other areas of the relationship and is very difficult to deal with.
Now in general, I think there are lots of relationships where oral sex is one sided, but that arrangement will only ever work when both parties are happy with it. You are not. You feel degraded by it, and frankly that's enough of a reason to put your foot down. It doesn't matter if everyone else in the world disagrees with you on it being degrading. If you feel degraded doing something, don't do it. End of story. If you force yourself to go against your own feelings, all it will do is lead to resentment of your partner and negative feelings or even an aversion towards sex, which (from personal experience) is a very hard thing to overcome.
I'd also recommend you dump this selfish oaf you are with and find someone who is more willing to meet you half way, but I have zero tolerance for that sort of thing!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 October 2017):
 Anon reader.
His excuse is bullshit. The chances of someone being sexually active and willing to receive oral but 'not ready' to give it is slim to none.
He is lazy and expects something for nothing. I don't buy it for a second.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 October 2017):
Well...You should be HEADING out to the next man who will not be a jackass about pleasing his woman.
You can wait and waste your time, seeing if he will change. Or...You can change the man, and get what you want.
You should be happy you found this out now, before you married him... win win I say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): N91 that's not necessarily a good way to handle it.
If someone isn't ready for something (though this guy's motives are fishy), it doesn't mean they shouldn't be given something else, if the other person is comfortable giving it. Sex shouldn't be tit for tat, but it if there's something they are comfortable doing that their partner likes, it's still "fair".
For example OP - you give oral and he does something else that you like instead of oral. That's "fair". However if you genuinely don't feel comfortable giving oral and only give it if you get oral, then it's totally okay for you to just say you don't like giving oral.
You don't owe him anything and that mindset of his is concerning.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 October 2017):
 I don't think either of you are "right". It doesn't make much sense that "degrading" is really what you mean - it seems more like your uncomfortable if it's not reciprocated. However, it's wrong of him to try to guilt you into it or have his penis "possess" your mouth last - eww!
I think the problem here is that you are turning it into a "if you don't do this, I won't do that". It's actually very reasonable to only be comfortable doing something if it's done to you as well, but that's not how you're putting it across to him - you're putting it across as degrading, which some people feel it is, but not in this context of giving and not receiving.
The othe problem is that he has this messed up idea about exes owning parts of your body and him wanting to "claim" it. That's unhealthy and a red flag.
I think oral sex just needs to come off the table for both of you, until he becomes comfortable with giving - IF he ever feels comfortable with giving. In future, word it as "I'm not comfortable giving oral, unless we both do, because I feel vulnerable (or whatever) if it isn't a shared thing".
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 October 2017):
Correction: If he doesn't give it, he doesnt get it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 October 2017):
Tell him to grow up.
If he doesn't give it, he doesn't give it, simple.
What planet is he living on?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2017):
 The guy is making excuses. He's making very elaborate ones, but in the end, he will never reciprocate. He is also in the wrong because past boyfriends should NEVER EVER come into a current relationship. That means that you shouldn't bring your exes up, and HE shouldn't bring them either.
Oral sex isn't degrading to someone who likes to give it. You need to leave this guy and find one who LIKES to give oral, and there are a LOT more men out there than you think who LOVE to give the woman they love multiple orgasms, because seeing and feeling her shudder around their tongue turns them on just as much as anything else.
You are with a selfish man who is using jealousy as a piss poor excuse. I would kick any man to the curb who tries that one, because if he's telling the truth, then it's going to suck for ANY woman who's with this selfish lout, and every woman has a sexual past and history unless he finds a virgin, in which case she'll most likely make him wait until marriage if she's as old as he is.
If he's not telling the truth, then this is a MAJOR RED FLAG and he blames you for all of his troubles. This will manifest in EVERYTHING that comes up between you. Every fight, every hardship, every time he's in a bad mood, it'll be because of something you did in the past. Every conflict will be turned around on you.
If I were you, I'd drop him. You are young enough to find a guy who is SO MUCH MORE willing to pleasure you, and when you do, DO NOT TALK about your exes. Ever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): If you don't like it don't do it simple as that .
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): You are right ofcourse to be pissed off about your bf's excessive demands. I think as HoneyPie said he is being immature,you should never do what you are not comfortable with, but how did he know that you gave oral to your ex's? Look whether you are male or female never tell your current partner about your previous partners,not the intimate details anyway because it causes jealousy and doubt. Boys should never brag about their previous escapades because it is not fair and not gentlemanly. Also girls no matter how much pressed always pretend you are so pure and inocent that you have never been touched before. A little white lie never harms anyone.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (4 October 2017):
 Your previous history with others should not dictate what you do with him - unless that is what YOU choose. If you find it degrading (we are all different and there is no right or wrong way how to feel - you feel how you feel), then stop doing it.
Not everyone can give oral. Some just find it a complete no-no, and that is not wrong either. However, he should not be demanding YOU do it just because you have already done it. He does not own your mouth - or any other part of your body. Stop letting him dictate to you what you SHOULD be feeling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): I guess your boyfriend isn't budging, or willing to compromise. He likes getting it. Doesn't have a "taste" for giving oral-sex. It doesn't taste the same.
If you find it disgusting, don't do it. Why do something sexually, if you don't like doing it? That makes no sense. He's not willing to reciprocate; so eliminate oral-sex from the menu.
So no more oral-sex. Seems like a plan. Do something else.
Go digital, he's got fingers! Get some toys!
Maybe it isn't about sex at all. Maybe it's more about power and control. You feel oral-sex is too submissive; and you feel he's getting the upper-hand. It also seems you have some other underlying-issues in the relationship you need to address; but you're using sex as a bargaining chip, and deflecting away from the real problems you have with each other. You don't think he treats you as an equal.
You're not really *discussing* oral-sex. You're having a pissing contest. There's a huge break in your link of communication. Nobody's listening. Just making their argument.
Well, seems you're sexually-incompatible. Maybe that's not the only area that's incompatible.
Sex isn't something you "argue" about. So you guys are more or less in the midst of a power-struggle.
Maybe he's not being honest about "why" he will not give you oral-sex. If it's something you have to fight about; you'll both be stuck at an impasse. That's too bad. Some guys don't like giving women oral-sex; that doesn't mean he doesn't like getting blow jobs.
Sex is supposed to unite couples. It's an expression of love and affection. It's not supposed to start fights!
Sex allows for creativity and unleashes the imagination.
You're in a tug-of-war over dominance. Maybe you might introduce some role-playing into your boudoir! Instead of beating a dead-horse about oral-sex. You're spreading distance between you!!!
The objective is to get your partner turned-on, bring your partner to orgasm; and please each other by whatever means necessary.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2017):
 Sex isn't tit for tat.
But here is the thing, if he thinks YOU should be willing to do things because you "have done it before" then he doesn't really have a lot of respect for you. Like, YOU don't have any say in it? What?
I don't think giving head is degrading at all. I think it's degrading when someone (like your BF) feels ENTITLED to get a BJ when he isn't willing to do something of the same kind to you. And I think it's ridiculous that he is UPSET that you had another man's penis in your mouth and it should be HIS that is the last one there... says why? Does he OWN your mouth? Or you?
I'm sorry OP he sounds utterly immature. He wants BJ's regardless of how it makes you feel and regardless of whether you want to GIVE that or not.
If he can't decide on trying a 69 (that might work, as you are BOTH getting "something" at the same time...) then maybe you need to accept that this guy doesn't have much respect for you and see you more as a possession or sexual prop than a GF.
But.... I think the whole notion of I will only do XYZ if you return the favor! is a childish notion. If you REALLY feel GIVING without receiving is "degrading" then why bother at all? Now I get that sex shouldn't BE one-sided, both parties should WANT to pleasure each other, however, there are SO many ways BOTH of you can do this... apart from oral.
Now I'd USE the term "degrading" if he DEMANDED you do various sex acts you don't like to do. Or called you feel a insert any derogatory term when enjoying sex... THAT would be degrading.
Not getting head when giving head... it's not degrading... it's just simply selfish of him.
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