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I think I'm hanging on to hope here purely because of the 25 years I've known this person.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2010) 1 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

In January this year an old friend from university came back into my life - we met up for a drink and had a lovely evening together. A week later he called and said he'd love to see me again, but not as a friend. I was really shocked but flattered. I said I hoped this was not a cliche and trying to go back to being 18 and if anything did happen to take it slow - I'm 43 he is 45 so we've known each other 25 yrs. So we slowly starting seeing each other and pretty soon it was clear that he was smitten. He now says that from the first/second date he knew I was the one. The force of his love was very strong, if a little OTT and when I asked him to tone it down a bit, he took it that I had dumped him and went out and got completely hammered and passed out in his chambers in London (he is a barrister). I warned him after that this behaviour was childish and he said he was sorry but thought he had lost me. This takes us to June.

One evening we were sitting on a beach and his phone rings and he leaves me for an hour and i suddenly get this strange feeling that my world is about to fall apart. To cut a very long story short, it turns out that he had been living with another woman a much older woman who he had split up with, but was living in her attic from Jan to May whilst seeing me.

I had no idea about this due to running my own business I'd never gone up to his home until May when he told me he had moved into a new rented cottage. The night on the beach the ex girlfriend had found phone records of loads of calls made to me and was phoning my home that night and him on the beach to say she had called me and spilled the beans. He raced back to my home from the beach to catch the message on my answerphone but of course I got there first and it all came out.

He said he was greatly ashamed of his situation - he had used this woman and was desperately trying to get away from her and eventually did in May. He thought that was it and he would never hear from her again. He swears he was not sleeping with her which she did confirm.

I was horrified as you an imagine - the daily lies and juggling of a double life sent my mind into a complete meltdown - we split over the summer. He begged me for another chance. I spoke to my uni friends some of who knew and said we told him to tell you and dont know why he didn't - at the start of seeing you he could have explained his situation and you would have understood. They also said that he was completely screwed because I am geniunely the one for him. He was a master at the day to day lies from jan to may and as I said if I'd driven up one night I would have got an almighty shock but was working so hard, he was happy to be with me here - nothing odd was going on here ie no phone calls etc while around me but he said he couldn't get a signal from my house and was often outside making calls.

When this all came out he was near a breakdown over this and started CBT therapy, and begged me for another chance. After three months apart i gave him one more chance. We saw each other at the end of August and things were ok - I had trust issues but was trying to be cool and relaxed. We went on holiday to Greece a month ago - and all was beginning to be normal, but in the back of my mind I would look at him and think are you still lying.

Two weeks ago, after we got back from Greece, this other woman "Jules" called me out of the blue and despite the fact she is a GP had no qualms in making my legs crumble from beneath me and I fell to the floor. She told me she had had his dog while he had been on holiday in greece and he had bought her a present - she then said some terrible things - they were sleeping together, getting back together etc. He knew he had nowhere to keep the dog so he told her he was on a business trip. She found out, felt used and wham... took it out on me. How he could be so stupid is beyond me.

The truth eventually revealed itself - he had kept his dog there after promising no more contact with this woman and on holiday had told me he had put his dog with a male friend and we bought the male friend a present when we there but this present was for Jules. Jules did call again to say she had lied about the other stuff but that doesn't take away the fact that my boyfriend was lying again whilst we were on holiday together. We are now separated again.

If this were someone I had met on the internet he would have been shown the door - but I have spent my uni years and much of my 20's with this man and we were together in Hong Kong in our 30;s. He wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, but this does not equate with his behaviour. His CBT therapist says he lied out of fear - fear that I would reject him and these lies are the very fact that I have now stopped this going any further.

We are still in contact and he is not going anywhere saying he made a stupid mistake and understands fully how lying destroys everything.

I'm 43 and live in Eastbourne he is 45, a barrister and lives in Suffolk. At the moment he is spending time on his own, distraught at his behaviour, trying to do the right thing. I have not seen him since Greece - we are talking a little but go round in circles. Two sentences could have prevented all of this.

1. Kate, I'm still living with an ex girlfriend - the situation is a little difficult - I'd like to start seeing you - could you wait for me to get this sorted.

2. Kate, I've nowhere to keep the dog while we are on holiday - I know I agreed to have no contact with jules, but its either her or kennels. would you mind?

I think I'm hanging on to hope here purely because of the 25 years I've known this person. I'm not a victim, I am a strong person, but don't know what to do. I should walk away totally as its had an impact on my health but hope now he has had his so called Epiphany not that he can change because people never do - but that we might continue in some form.

View related questions: a break, ex girlfriend, moved in, on holiday, split up, the internet, university

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A female reader, shania United Kingdom +, writes (30 October 2010):

shania agony auntOh God! This man is a pathological liar and im afraid the trust has been broken...you simply cannot trust this man.Like you said, if he had been more open with the truth then fair enough but this man is a 1st class cad.If you forgave him again you will always be wary of him,wondering if he is lying again, do you really want that?

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