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I think he's going through a midlife crisis he went to Thailand and met a girl and he doesn't know that I know

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 November 2018) 17 Answers - (Newest, 23 November 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have been dating a man for over a year who has just recently gone through a divorce. (Nothing to do with me). I felt he used me as a punching bag as he was very angry about the divorce although I knew he loved me.

He stopped speaking to me for a while then i found out he has been speaking to a Thai girl on line for a while and even went to Thailand and met her. (He does not know I know this). He has a problem with sex so I dont think anything sexual happened. He continues to speak to this Thai girl. Both declaring their love for each other in 6 weeks of first speaking.

Its clearly a sign of mid life crisis. I see this as a rebound relationship as it all happened very quickly after his divorce. Not sure if its to hurt the ex or me.

He communicated to me through a friend of his that he needs space at the moment and speaks highly of me. I still love this guy. He has hurt me and my feelings are different but this thai girl is in Thailand and we are both in the UK. She posts a lot of things to get his reaction but he does not post anything about her.

I was tempted to let him know that I know about her. What do you all think. I'm giving it until xmas. I will give him the space he needs. But I will then need to move on. Please remember I am emotionally connected with this guy so telling me to forget him is not useful.

View related questions: divorce, move on, needs space

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018):

Hi poster,

No two years maybe doesn't indicate a 'rebound' however it didn't mean he was over the divorce and what was going on. It took me years to move on from my partner leaving me and with a baby as well. If he was still angry then he was emotionally invested in some way to his break up.

But either way he has still gone onto doing what he did, maybe he felt it would reignite something he felt he had lost, who knows. But he has played his card i'm afraid and his actions have shown he wasn't thinking of you in all of it.

I hope you don't think to give him 'Space' with the door open because I am sorry you would be settling for less than you deserve, he hasn't even shown remorse or had a light bulb moment that what he did was wrong, not the actions of a man mutually emotionally invested like you.

Take care and remember this is about him not you as a person. Think about the kind of man you may be drawn to and ask yourself are you a rescuer, are you drawn to a certain kind of man? He didn't treat you right sweetheart not just in what he did but how he treated you. You accept the love you think you deserve remember that!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2018):

OP - I would like to thank you all for responding to my post. I was very taken in by your kindness and understanding.

I did not get involved with this guy until 2 years after he was separated. Rebound relationships tend to happen much sooner. I spoke to him about rebound and he got really cross with me. He asked me to be his girlfriend and we spent a lot of quality time together.

the divorce has had a negative impact on him an he is in a way suffering from an illness. I have now moved on as I have lost trust but we have agreed to remain friends. I'm giving him the space he needs even as a friend.

Thank you again for your posts.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2018):

Honestly, everyone referencing ladyboys is transphobic and inherently racist. It does not matter who OPs guy is with— he’s not with her and that’s the issue.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2018):

Its remarkable that you are showing such devoted energy to someone who has treated you so badly and I can only assume it is some kind of early life conditioning that makes you feel virtuous for hanging on to some one who is clearly out to take advantage of you in every possible way.

Perhaps you like intrigue but I am always worried when an individual decides they have a psychological knowledge to label a persons behaviour without looking at alternative reasons.

Sadly I have heard of women who have deceived themselves and their little band of supporters into believing that the errant partner will come to their senses and finally value them.eg by finally ditching the partner who us clearly good-in-bed and just an insane fling.

I can understand why the friends keep the wronged partner in that state of mind because it gives then peace of mind to verbally maintain the status quo and you can only assumed that the wronged party simply doesn't want to see their mans actions for what they clearly are.

There is a wealth of decent people in the world and a veneer of people no right minded person would want in their life or elsewhere.

So all I can assume is that you feel this guy, who clearly isnt interested in you in a healthy way

offers you some kudos,if only as an object of gossip.

That alone is not a problem.

The problem lies in the belief that you are important to him and that he is in some way good for you.

Toying with peoples emotions whilst holding onto the notion that you are significant in someone's future life whilst they are giving a clear indication that you are not is only deceiving yourself and although a harmless habit in itself it steals a certain amount of self determination from your character which you may later regret.

When you finally reveal to him that you know he has been seeing a Thai woman for six weeks and met the potential future mum in law, how do you think he will react?

Are you saving it as a juicy morsel to recount at a later date to shocked friends or are you so confident in your diagnosis that you think he will ruefully express that it was all a mid life crises and whisk you off to bed!

You can imagine what you like to but you can't expect all fully grown adults to agree with you as that is most unlikely to happen.

And all we can do is try to convey to you that a rethink of this mans value in your life would be good for you, whilst others quietly acknowledge that shutting the door on dreams of you and him together would be your best bet.

Your expectations of future happiness may materialize if you remove this joker from your list of friends and confidentes and rebuild new friendship groups and open your mind to new acquaintances.

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A male reader, wise.beyond.my.years Canada +, writes (20 November 2018):

I am VERY sorry, I know you said this wouldn't be helpful, but think of it this way: if you want to be with someone, you find ways to be with them, not avoid them. To me, this sounds like he's just using you as an option if other things don't work out. I don't even know you but I know this: you deserve better than that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2018):

Dear OP, be honest with yourself and move on. I have been in Thailand and I saw many things. Many people from all over the world come here to experience different sexual stuff. Anything from lady boys to very young girls..etc etc. You don't know what he is doing there. He sent you a friend to tell you he needs space?!please!! Let this garbage bag in Thailand and value yourself first!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018):

I think you know the answer here, you just hope one of us will tell you differently. Aren’t you too old for this nonsense? You deserve better and someone who doesn’t play games like this. The only way to UN attach yourself is to actively choose to do so. Remove him from all social media, do not contact him or her, and find hobbies to busy yourself. Being emotionally attached isn’t an excuse to cling to a relationship where he clearly isn’t into you. His actions do not suggest that he loves you, and I hope you recognize that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018):

I know you have feelings for this man. You also have human dignity and sensitivities that deserve respect. Not only from him, but from us here as well. We have to assume a firm stance in order to bring across the point that you can't allow men to mistreat or disrespect you; then reward them with your loyalty, love, and affection.

I referenced "Thai ladyboys," because you happened to mention that he has erectile-dysfunction. How are you so certain he hasn't had sex with this new female(???) interest he met abroad? Appearances can be deceiving! If you see an Adam's Apple, confirmed! There is surgery to make it undetectable, however!

ED is treatable with Viagra or Cialis, the wonder drugs for impotency; so to assume no function with you means no function with anyone else is naive. If he was with a young ladyboy, all the responsibilities of sexual-performance would shift. Do you know the reasons he and his ex-wife divorced? Was the lack of intimacy one of their problems?

Why did he choose Thailand specifically?

As one of the aunts wisely pointed out, you would more likely be the "rebound;" considering you came into the picture during the divorce process. You were abused, and willingly allowed him to take-out his frustrations on you. Did anyone ever tell you that there is no excuse for people abusing you? There is absolutely no defensible reason to abuse anyone!!! Least of all because you're angry! It's a crime! Be it verbal, psychological, or physical domestic-violence!

As I mentioned before, he has already decided he wants his space; and you don't have a call there. He can simply walkaway. You received notification through your friend, so that was more than adequate notice.

I truly feel empathy for you. You are loyal and supportive; but I am so very sorry that it's wasted on the likes of that man. I don't have pity for you; because you have power over this situation, you're not a victim.

You don't have to forget about him, because this situation has resolved itself. It doesn't require your approval or disapproval; he has found another love-interest, and that settles it. Somehow, you know this and just wanted us to talk some sense into this situation for you. I know how stubborn and uncooperative your heart can be.

We are not attacking you, we are appealing to your better judgement. In spite of what your heart may tell you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018):

You can be 'emotionally connected' until the cows come home and not forget about him but it isn't going to change the fact he does not feel the same for you.

And you know he loved you? based on what, him telling you? I think we can all say the L word, means absolutely nothing if the actions don't match the words..

I honestly read some of these questions aghast at what some people put up with and you are one of these posters. Seriously you MUST have been in other relationships in your life and learned from them , I have to wonder what is going on in your head to even think about giving him 'Space', he doesn't need space he needs to be given a WIDE BERTH!!

You clearly have a low self esteem and lack of belief in yourself to even think this relationship can work and it is love, come on now, at best you are extremely naïve when it comes to this man, you was the rebound and he had not moved on from his wife, be it just not to be angry to have moved on and to have loved someone else.

You might not forget about him for a while but the advice is a very clear, stop wasting your time with this man!!!

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (19 November 2018):

mystiquek agony auntThis is the relationship that you walk away from. Why stay? He's lied, he's cheated (definitely emotionally and probably physically), he tells his friends rather than you how he feels. He doesn't respect you. You are his rebound to get over the wife. Don't sell yourself short darlin...WALK. You shouldn't sell yourself short. You deserve far more than what he is offering you. Frankly if I had found out my partner had went to another country and was STILL corresponding with a woman, it would have ended right then and there. I don't tolerate ANY kind of cheating. Why wait till Christmas??? End it now and spend your holidays with people that love and care about you. As another auntie stated..you dodged a bullet.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 November 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI have so many question, my mind is buzzing.

Which part of his behaviour makes you believe he loves/loved you? Why do you think you do not deserve to be treated WAY better than this? Why are you making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour? How do you know about his cheating? What does he have to do to make you see he is not good for you? Why are you keeping tabs on him? What is wrong with you that you will allow someone to treat you in this way and still believe he loves you?

Sounds to me (because I can see clearer without your "emotional connection") that YOU were, in fact, the rebound relationship. He is now bored of that and has moved on. He did not even have the decency to stay faithful to you (regardless of whether sex was involved or not, the intention was there). The cherry on top of the cake has to be not even bothering to speak to you and discuss your relationship but to simply stop speaking to you and then to get a friend to tell you to back off.

Sweetheart, you are worth so much better than this. This is not fixable. This is an angry man, fresh out of a divorce (I bet he told you it was all his wife's fault! Am I right?) who has used and abused you to help him get over the break-up of his marriage. Now that the initial hurt has started to fade, he has no further use for you.

Sorry if you find this "useless" but there is little point in sugar coating a turd. You have dodged a bullet. Find someone worthy of your kind nature.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (19 November 2018):

N91 agony auntHow does he ‘love’ you if you’re a punching bag? How have you work out that this person in Thailand is a rebound but you aren’t? What does the divorce matter? You’re the person he got with after leaving his wife so wouldn’t that make you the rebound?

You’re making crap excuses for this guy. He needs space? For what? Giving him the freedom to sleep with other women? Possibly ladyboys in thailand. You know he’s actively speaking to someone from there and you’re being as naive to say it’s not sexually motivated. Yes he may have trouble in that department but to think he’s gone all that way to see a woman to just hang out? He’s told her he ‘loves’ her but it’s not sexually motivated. You’re optimistic I’ll give you that.

How is telling you to move on not useful? The guy clearly doesn’t respect you. Sounds like you don’t have any self respect either if this is how you accept being treated.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (19 November 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI'm thinking if there was no sex with the girl in Thailand she might very well be what is known as a "ladyboy".

In the meantime take the opportunity that's been given to you and put as much distance as you can between yourself and him. Honeypie is correct hen she says YOU were the rebound … his speaking to you through a friend (how disrespectful), doesn't mean diddly squat, he is just keeping you on the backburner for when his Thai fantasy blows up in his face.

Just cut the blighter loose, surely you don't really need somebody like him to make your life better … if he was angry and used you as a punching bag …. frankly, words fail me.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 November 2018):

Honeypie agony auntJust cut him out of your life and move on.

YOU were his rebound, not her. she was however him trying to "recapture" his youth and to gain back some confidence in himself.

I know you say that you don't want advice to just forget him, but it is nevertheless the advice I have for you.

IF he "comes back" to you, it's because he has realized his "folly" in chasing a woman who lives halfway around the globe so he might "settle" for you... until he find "better" (whatever that might be. As in younger, or simple someone who hasn't seen him during the break up of his marriage.)

You might be "emotionally connected" to him, but he CERTAINLY isn't emotionally connected to you to the same degree. If he had cared for you HALF as much as you care for him, he would NEVER have pursued the woman from Thailand or anyone woman.

So,m I know it's not what you want to hear, but that is what I have to say. Take it or leave it. It's your life. If you want to waste it on a man who is NOT ready to be dating and NOT emotionally available.. then that is your choice.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (19 November 2018):

janniepeg agony auntPeople don't to travel to Thailand to have a rebound relationship. Mid life crisis yeah, but you don't spend thousands of dollars to get some "space." He could have been having sexual problems because he was emotionally shut off after the divorce. He could also be using Viagra. He might suddenly decide that he's only turned on by petite Asian women. If he picked a younger Thai woman, he must assume that girls there are more likely to tolerate a man's faults and stay in marriage longer. If she's financially dependent on him, he also feels more secure. Communicating to you through a friend is not really communicating. It's to avoid you lashing out at him. To stall. To avoid dealing with heavy confrontation now while he can escape into a fantasy world with this Thai girl. He may not post anything online because his ex wife would see it and get angry. He may also want his relationships from now on to be private. Christmas is a special time and it would be a waste to spend it on worrying about him. Give yourself one month's time to move on then pamper yourself with gifts and spend time focusing on celebrating with family.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018):

Why on earth would you allow anyone to use you as a punching-bag? I don't give a rat's red shaved-backside what he's going through! If he loved you, why would you be treated like a punching-bag?

You're rationalizing and making lame excuses for purely bad behavior. He needs space? How far do you have to kick him before he hits the curb??? Is that enough space?

Let's hope this "Thai girl" is really a girl, and not a Thai lady-boy! No, I hope s/he is!!! They are quite pretty, and still have their male-parts!

What's really making no sense in your post is the fact he communicated to you through a friend he wants his space.

Why wouldn't he man-up and tell you to your face, instead of humiliating you through a friend?

Don't tell concerned aunts and uncles some guy uses you for a punching-bag, sends a messenger to inform you he wants his space; and that you know he's communicating with someone else, and not you! Then have the audacity to reminds us that you're "emotionally connected;" after hitting us with all of this. In an absurd attempt to deflect any advice to dump his sorry no-count carcass! Limp-willie and all!

Sounds more like a desperate infatuation with a guy who is interested in somebody else. You're mature enough to know better!

We don't have to tell you to forget about him. He has already forgotten about YOU!!!

This is all beneath your dignity as a mature-woman. It indicates you'd put-up with anything as long as you've got a man. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't return your affections.

You are involved with a man who is emotionally unavailable, abusive, impotent, and interested in somebody else.

Maybe there's something else we might help you with, if you don't want honest advice about that jerk?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (19 November 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI'm sorry, but you know you need to let go and move on - that's why you don't want us to tell you it. This isn't a midlife crisis - that's buying something "silly" or getting a tattoo/piercing impulsively, etc. not cheating on your girlfriend.

OP, you won't be able to trust him again and you shouldn't. Sorry :/

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