New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login240772 questions, 1063708 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I think he's cheating and we had unprotected sex!

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2018) 21 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I posted a question few weeks ago about this guy that I’m seeing, a 46 years old physician divorced with no kids. From the beginning I made my dating rules clear and told him that I don’t want to have any physical contact or intimacy if he is seeing other people and I’m fine with it as we are not committed and still can date him but no sex. He said I’m not seeing anyone else! We have been seeing each other for two months now and we have spent few nights together at his place. I have noticed that he is secretive with his phone and usually when we are not together he never calls. I have called couple of times and asked him about why he is not calling and he said I’m more comfortable with texting! I had a feeling he is seeing someone else and because I didn’t expect commitment I didn’t push him but made it clear and asked few times and he confirmed it’s only me. He has told me many times that he likes me so much and asked me to pick a nice restaurant for dinner next week and asked me where I like to go for vacation with him. Even talked about moving in future with him and how he likes to have a kid and if I’m thinking about having a kid in future too.

So I saw him this morning for a coffee. He was all over me telling me how he feels great about us and how we are so compatible and doing great together! Here it comes evening and I texted him with no response. I just knew something is up. I drove by his house to find a car in his driveway and obviously it belonged to someone who is staying overnight. I understand we are not committed but I made it clear about my dating rules. He just sent me a short goodnight text as I’m typing this. We have had unprotected sex even though I suggested not to. Thinking about him being a doctor and telling me he has been tested and will do it again I trusted his words but now I’m so mad and scared that how irresponsible someone could be to act like that. If he is comfortable having unprotected sex with me he could have it with others too. Tomorrow I’m going to confront him as I have 0 doubt he has a company witn a woman tonight. What do you think I should do! Thanks for your help.

View related questions: divorce, text, unprotected sex

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI hope OP that you stick to your guns. Try and remember that even friends don't always know what is going on behind closed doors so I would take what they say with a pinch off salt.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

OP- Thanks for helping me. I was not trying to fool or convince myself, I ended it! He told me about another female friend in another near by city that when he visits he stays there. We had a serious talk and I made it clear that this is absolutely disrespectful and I’m not interested in continuing this relationship. He kept insisting that we have an amazing relationship and won’t let me go. He said he will introduce me to them as his girlfriend if I don’t believe him and he will stop if this in bothering me.

Here is the few reasons that I was confused with his honesty: I heard from a mutual friend that he had been in a sexless marriage for 6 years and he got divorced because he couldn’t do it anymore and he never cheated on his ex.

I know a girl in our circle of friends, she is very attractive, and the same friend told me that last year this girl wanted to hookup with him so bad and even asked him for a causal relationship and he refused stating that he is not interested and he is looking for a serious long term relationship.

Also he could just keep staying with his friends as a secret and there was no way I could find out. Like simply he could say he was with a guy friend or at least not telling me about sleeping in the same bed but he didn’t.

I ended it anyways because I just couldn’t deal with any future heartbreak!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntOP if he really felt the way that he is saying he does then he would simply make it exclusive. He is using words to play you and is trying to manipulate you. Honestly you would be wise to end things with this guy and save yourself the heartache. You obviously have your doubts already and driving by his house is a bit over the top so you must be superstitious. It sounds like he will say anything to keep you around at arms length. I would run now before you get sucked up in to this. Nobody sleeps in the same bed as a friend just because they are upset.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2018):

You really can't know anyone well enough in two months to deduce how big of a liar they are, or honestly their true personality. Everyone peacocks and tries to show only their best side for each other in the beginning and your hormones lead you to be lax about things that might be glaring warnings about their character. I wait to have unprotected sex for like a year or more, when some of that infatuation has worn off and I can hopefully tell that they at least want to keep me and themselves safe from STDs. There are a lot of men who will say anything to get what they want, sadly, and waiting helps weed them out. Keep yourself safe, girl!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you are wasting your time and ours. We are happy to help, but you want us to tell you he's not lying or sleeping with others and we can't do that. We're trying to help you, but you don't want to hear that he's bad news, so you're buying the crap he's selling you about the friend.

DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX. You *can* get pregnant on birth control and he could be lying about being STD free.

Friends don't share a bed when there's a sofa or spare room. He also can't commit, but suggests you move in a few months from now? He's a mess and, by the sounds of it, you are too. I think this is all too complicated and not worth it, OP, but it's up to you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

Two simple yet universal truths that females of all ages should realize:

1) A guy will say anything if he thinks it will get him laid.

2) Don't believe what a guy SAYS, believe what he DOES.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

OP this guy is bad news. NO WAY do you sleep in the same bed as a friend!!!! Come on, he could have slept on a couch or an air mattress if needed. No, he is messing around with others. MOVE ON. He is a liar and manipulator.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (8 January 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWOW! This guy is good, so good I think he has had lots of practice manipulating people, telling just enough truth but omitting more truth than he tells.

This guy already has you questioning yourself and if what he says and does is "normal" .... you are ignoring your instincts, the ones that sent you here to ask questions in the first place.

So, really you need to decide if you will listen to his palaver, and maybe come back every few months with more little questions, or listen to your inner voice and decide to get out before you get in too deep.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

OP- update! I saw him this evening and did not confront him. Just asked what was he doing last night and he told me his old friend Kathy came over and stayed overnight and they went out today! I asked if she is married and he said she is getting divorced and was very upset and they talked about all the divorce and legal stuff and I asked where did she sleep? He said my bed as my other bedrooms are not ready, which I know they aren’t. He said she is just a friend and I told him you know this is very weird. He said you should take my word. I mentioned the exclusivity and he said I feel really connected to you and don’t want to say how much I adore you as it’s too early to tell you how strongly I feel connected with you but please don’t push me and let things happen when the time comes. He said we have an amazing connection and why I should look for someone else. It’s rare to find such a compatibility and he can see a future with me but doesn’t want to move too fast.

We talked about my sensitivity over his phone. I should see if it’s going to change!

He could lie to me, apparently he didn’t but I’m still uneasy with sleeping in the same bed with her . Is it something that friends do here?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhy do you need proof?

Reading your post it's pretty obvious that you have decided he IS cheating.

You don't OWE him proof, he doesn't OWE you proof either. Now if we were talking someone you were married too, then yes I get the whole "get proof" because there is a COMMITTED relationship (marriage) going on - but you are just SEEING this guy and it's only been 2 months.

Either you see him as a potential mate, or you see him as a cheating liar and then you dump and move on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, this is all too complicated. Leave him. Don't bother confronting him. It's not worth this hassle. Learn from your mistake and find someone else.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (7 January 2018):

What do you plan to accomplish by confronting him? I doubt that he is going to start rending his garments throw himself at your feet and beg forgiveness. Tell him you’re done. If he ask why you can tell him but don’t expect him to come clean. Finish it and move on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

OP- Honeypie the reason is I need to make sure I’m not accusing him and can proof that before breaking up with him. I don’t want to waste my time and for that reason I have been watching him and drove by his house to find out sooner in the relationship and end it. I couldn’t sit and wait to learn in a hard way after few months of dating. I never ghost anyone. If I want to break up I sit the person down and talk.

We have a lot in common, beside one thing I guess!, and I like him but if this is the case I will end it soon.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntIf you have already made up your mind that he is cheating, WHY waste any more time on this fella?

The longer you spend on a "bad" match to bigger the chance of missing a "good" one.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

OP- Sorry missed to add that he keeps asking and insisting that I leave my stuff at his place. I left some at his place tow days ago. I know his ex wife and he wasn’t a total stranger to me. He also knows my ex husband’s family. He hints that I move in to his house in few months and I told him I cannot do anything like that outside the marriage and he was joking that you never know by then we might!

So I’m just confused. Either he is not an honest person or still in middle of something which he doesn’t tell me. The most red flag is him not calling me and set up his messages in a private mode. I just saw accidentally as he was holding his phone one day.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, ashleighkaylin United States +, writes (7 January 2018):

ashleighkaylin agony auntIt's good you set boundaries but I don't think you lived by them. I have my own rule of no sex till I have my college degree and I still have guys try to change my mind. It's extra hard at your age, no offense, because you're expected to be experienced. But you can make a new rule that there's no sex till commitment and no commitment till six months or something. And never never unprotected sex until marriage or something. My mom and dad had me at 39 and 53 so it is possible. Be careful of your heart too!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

OP- Thanks for your advices. I did not expect any commitment but I asked him directly that if we are not exclusive we shouldn’t have sex. He confirmed that he is not seeing anyone and I see that he has not login to his dating profile since we started dating.

He has talked about marriage. He has never asked me to have a kid with him outside the marriage and he is so against it and I would never ever do that anyways.

I don’t care if he is a doctor and I didn’t fall for that. I have a Phd too so his status didn’t play any role here.

What bothers me is that I have mentioned there is no need to date if he thinks differently about exclusivity and there are lots of women out there that they don’t care and we shouldn’t see each other if that’s the case. He has told me he is looking for a long term relationship and marriage. So I’m confused but definitely there is something going on with him. Today he texted me that he is with one of his friends and is going out and will see me later today.

You advised that I don’t have a right to confront him but at least I should have a right to confront him on what we have agreed!

I agree, it was my fault too. I should stick to my standards as I had always done. I’m on the birth control and haven’t been with anybody since my divorce 3 years ago and he told me he has done the test and he doesn’t have any problems.

Should I leave him or wait for more evidence?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 January 2018):

By the way, if you set the condition there will be no sex if someone is seeing someone else; many guys are likely to deny that they are. You're setting yourself up by doing that.

Check his ring-finger, and ask him if he's seeing anyone. You have to take him on his word; unless you determine otherwise. If you have sex before you know for sure, your bad! No confrontation is necessary. You dump him as soon as you catch him in a lie, or if he shows you disrespect.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 January 2018):

It is your responsibility to protect yourself, you shouldn't take the risk by expecting someone else to lookout for both of you. Each person has a responsibility to his or herself, and each other; when it comes to safe-sex. It shouldn't be a second-thought or loose-option. That being said, you have no right to confront him about anything.

You're not in a committed-relationship; but you still feel he has to report to you, if he's seeing someone.

Everybody considers a doctor the ultimate-catch! So they put-up with all sorts of crap; because he or she tacks MD at the end of their names. They're people first! They have all the human-faults we all have! Noble is the profession; but flawed and imperfect is the person.

You can have all the rules you like, he doesn't have to follow them. You simply move on if he doesn't seem to fall inline with your selective-criteria and expectations. Once committed, then you have a right to expect him to respect the universal rules of commitment.

The point is, you may expect certain things. He should have the character to meet your expectations without having to be told what he should or shouldn't do. When you date, part of your conversation and discussion is what you're looking for. If you don't see it happening, that's your cue to bail.

A doctor should know better than to have unprotected-sex, whether he gets tested or not. RED-FLAG! He hardly ever contacts you, another red-flag! You still went on and had sex.

Don't contradict yourself. Besides, you don't know who that car belongs to; and you will look cre cre if you ask him about the car in his driveway. Why would you drive-by his house? His correct response would be "none of your business!"

You both had unprotected-sex, so don't feel that was some inadvertent commitment or commitment by default. It wasn't, it was just sex. With your consent, unprotected as it were!

He's not transparent and seems too contradictory to his word and his actions. He doesn't seem to feel it's important enough to contact you. People you're dating who are secretive with their phones send the message they're hiding something. Yet another red-flag!

If you can't trust him, don't waste your precious time. If a man isn't going to marry you and wants children; he's only using you as an incubator. Why can't marriage be considered first? Most unwed-mothers remain single-mothers; and have to chase their sperm-donors down. Avoid men who discuss having children; but don't speak of marriage in conjunction!

Stamp REJECT and EJECT! From your description, he seems like a player.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI don't understand why you didn't just BLOCK and move on the moment you felt you HAD to drive by his house.

I'm sorry that isn't NORMAL in a relationship to do "drive by's" if they don't answer a text. That seems utterly unhealthy.

And I agree with Andie - you AGREED to unprotected sex. "I suggested not to" is not the same as saying no, sex without protection. Doctor or not YOUR health (sexual or otherwise) is YOUR responsibility.

Overall, I think there are issues here YOU are creating. You don't know who the driver of that car was, you don't know if they are staying over that night (unless you did more drive by's) - You instinct is telling you that a guy who doesn't want to talk on the phone MUST be cheating - does that come from having been cheated on before?

This relationship has no future because you are already decided 2 months into this that he MUST be cheating.

You make all these rules for relationships but you don't STICK by them.

I think if you call and confront him you are going to look like a LOON. IF he is cheating he will gaslight the fire out of you with how wrong you are and crazy for driving by his house.

What exactly do you think confronting him will do? For you?

I'm not saying that he isn't cheating - I don't know either way, neither do you. But it SUITS your narrative. That you are the victim here. That he MUST be cheating.

How can you date with ZERO trust or faith in the other person?

If you FEEL this way about this guy - BLOCK him and move on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (7 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, don't chastise him about being irresponsible; YOU agreed to unprotected sex. You've only been dating a couple of months and had unprotected sex just because he's a doctor (or says he is?!). You are *equally* irresponsible. You could not only get an STD from him, but you are still young enough to get pregnant - it only takes one silly decision!

I think you should just cut all contact with him. Don't bother confronting him - this is going nowhere and he clearly has no problems convincing women (not just you) to have unprotected sex with him, which only a slimy man would do.

Get rid of him and find someone who is interested in exclusively dating and will not suggest unprotected sex.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I think he's cheating and we had unprotected sex!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0468751000007614!