A
female
age
51-59,
*nnl203
writes:I think my partner is cheating on me, please adviseWe have been together for 14 years, and have lived together for nearly 7. I have a son by a previous relatonship who has left home. We live with our two other children who are 6 and 3.For sometime I have been seeing a holistic counsellor who helps me deal with past and present issues, which are largely to do with trust and communication and childhood issues.I had no problem trusting him from the begginning. However, my son was very young when we first got together and partner was only 20. He didnt feel ready to commit. So we had a brief relationship and eventually both of us had long term relationships which didnt work out. however we became good friends, and my son liked him.So when we stared up again 14 years ago, it was easy for my son to accept the situation. He never promised anything, but we never said I love you. We went out but never talked about emotional stuff. I was always wary of frightening him away.Then I got pregnant again which was unplanned but he was pleased and moved in with us just before no 2 was born. He had always been good dad to eldest and we wer really happy. We moved house when no 2 was 1 year and was outwardly happy for a while but i always felt something missing.We would occasionally have awful rows which would end in him storming off after smashing something. The next day it would be nice and calm again but i hate violence. It was always something minor which triggered the temper what I now call the full moon syndrome because thats when violent rows happened.Once or twice I told him to go but he came back and said sorry, and I would say we had to change the way we dealt with problems or it would happen again.And so it has.Last year I started counselling and I have felt more confident though we stillhave a communication and trust problem.I decided to embark on a fundraising project which is almost finished. I asked my partner if he minded me doing it as I needed his support and encouragement. At first he wasnt keen but said yes anyway, but now is pleased as I have raised a lot for my cause in short time.After I started this venture, he started coming home late, going to pub a lot after work. During rows, he said he hated coming home to miserable kids, and messy house, and money problems, and felt neglected,to which I said, that if he helped more at home, we would have more time together.Things always improve for a while but then problems start again.Recently I saw he had registerd for a dating site. So I asked him about it. He said that he wanted to see if a certain person he knew was a member,as their ex had told him that. I half believed him but remembered it for future ref.I checked his texts and phonecalls and made a mental note of any unusual things. I found a picture of naked woman on his phone. He said it was his friends girlfriend. So I pretended to accept explanations and ran it past a good friend. Late at night I red two messages of his , nothing incriminating really apart from xx at the end. He said they were from a male workmate, but yesterday I checked the number and it matches the no of a woman that he has done work for. I have accused him of having an affair with her He still tried to give a plausible explanation and got angry and defensive but my gut feeling is that hes lying.He is doing the mr nice guy thing at the moment but I dont know if my feelings about my parents infidelity are causing me to bark up the wrong tree and maybe he is telling truth
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affair, I love you, infidelity, money, moved in, text, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): I work in family law. I see mistakes on both sides. First, "we don't say we love each other" seems like you are aware that the level of commitment is tentative.Second, why are you checking HIS phone, HIS computer accounts, when a person has to start "checking in" on another adult and truly invade their trust and privacy, there are two reasons, mistrust, or unhealthy curiosity. Third, I don't see you saying you WANT him as your S.O. I see you stating that you two are together, but no language of yours is about, "we are a couple" that committed to a team looking for the future. You seem to have a roommate situation, you state partner, not husband, so I assume you aren't legally connected. If you have a roommate situation, then he isn't cheating to go to where he gets what he wants. If you actually have an understanding of commitment, fidelity, and monogomy, then yes, he is stepping out of the relationship on you.Fourth, what agreement have you two actually talked about? Do you have boundaries, expectations already discussed? have you discussed the dangers and possible usefulness of an open relationship? Have you just let the relationship happen and always assumed that actions were good enough, you didn't need the words? Your post indicates you need need the actions and the words.Lastly, trust issues are not about the other person, they are about what you perceive the world is offering you or not offering you. Please review your expectations, make them clear to him, and decide that if he isn't meeting your needs, HE ISN'T your partner he is a roommate. Stop looking at his e-mail and phone. They aren't yours. Start reviewing the give and take and if you aren't happy, then admit it. Whether he is cheating or not, you are looking for an excuse. Take responsibility for being disappointed and make your own happiness.
A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (14 September 2007):
 i'm sorry to say he is definately cheating. i was the other women for 2 years and i was called "rob" from work, or something alike. i wasn't allowed to put xx's on the end or say anything suspicious. it's difficult you need to leave him with your dignity still in tact. he's probably staying for the kids sakes but you need to put yourself first and leave him before he leaves you. good luck.
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A
female
reader, dnnl203 +, writes (8 September 2007):
dnnl203 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your replies. Its nice that complete strangers offer good advice.My partner came in from a night out with the lads just as I was posting my question so i quickly logged off. He was drunk and said he was unhappy. He was messing with his phone maybe it wasnt a good idea to ask him who the message was from at 1am, but we had a blazing row which was hell on earth. I cried a lot because we are 2 really great people who are making each other unhappy. I am not justifying his actions as I have made it clear how I feel. I am not the most easy person to live with, and thats not putting me down cos I am one of those annoying people who list everything, but i also can be very flexible and say to hell with routine. I like regimented routine and i like paperwork, which is ok but got two demanding youngsters so a bit chaotic. My partner is a getting round to it person who works better under pressure. I dont mind steady progress ( Im talking the mundane stuff as well as decorating). When its good, we work as a team, but every now and again the sparks fly. I didnt get to sleep until 3 or 4am and then got up to train. I am heading off for a charity trek for a local charity. One of my friends is terminally ill.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (8 September 2007):
You've trapped a rat and now you must decide what to do. Ask him to write an apology for everything he's done and you will foregive him. Take the paper to the best lawyer you can find and the execute a plan of separation. Then foregive him and move on.
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A
female
reader, mnhsgurl +, writes (8 September 2007):
I thgink you need to think about the kids they will be affected by this at any age and also GUT feeling are normally 90% right
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi Dnnl203. Well it's not looking good. It seems that he is lying, and something is very wrong - but it might not be an affair. You could suggest that if he has nothing to hide that you swap phones for a few days. Suggest also that you witness him de-register on the dating site.What did he have to do to register on the dating site - has he had to pay a fee? If he did - then of course your relationship is at a critical stage.I also think though you need to consider an affair is a possibilty, and ask yourself what you would do after confirmation.Another thought - does he suspect you of anything? Is there some linkage between these events and your counselling/fundraising projects. Is he trying to make you jealous or (in a silly way) trying to "pay you back" for your activities?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Honey, of course you are not being paranoid and it has nothing to do with your "trust issues." Stop telling yourself that! That is just you fooling yourself and justifying his sorry actions. CLEARLY, he is doing something behind your back! Naked pictures??? That alone is all the evidence you need! Furthermore, dating websites?? Text from a female coworker with xx?? Coming home late?? He acts this way and STILL you put yourself down and say that maybe it is your fault cause you have trust issues?? You would do that just to defend him??C'mon. YES, he is doing something. Of course! However you want to handle it is your business. Maybe you want to forgive him. Maybe you want to throw him to the curb. Who knows? But you have to face the reality. And STOP putting yourself down and questioning your own perception of reality to defend some guy who is being a jerk to you. That is the only thing I find troubling about this.YES he is being utterly disrespectful and is probably cheating on you. Whatever you want to do at this point is your business. But face the reality, at least, and stop putting yourself down. There is no reason for that. Give yourself more credit. You are not the jerk. HE IS!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Look at your own words. You use defensive. Why would he become defensive if there is nothing to defend. I don't feel as if I have to defend myself if I'm alone in my room reading.
The communication issue seems to have been there from the beginning. Did you ever think, maybe your relationship is based on convenience, and not actual love. Having sex and babies doesn't provide love, nor does it secure a relationship.
I'm not giving you a yes he is or a no he's not answer. I'm telling you the answer is within you. How do you expect to have a good relationship with your husband, if you don't have one with yourself? Love yourself FIRST, then you can give yourself to someone else, without the issues. Respect yourself FIRST, then others will respect you.
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A
male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Well, you are suspicious for good reasons. However, don't let your trust issues cloud your vision, hun. You see, when you look for something you WILL find it, whether it be a product of your imagination, or mind, or it's real. Best thing to do is to talk to him about all of those, explain how his excuses aren't adding up, and it really comes down to searching within yourself for whether you trust him, or not. I wish you the best of luck, hun. Take care.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 September 2007):
 I am a big believer in gut feelings. Where to go from there is up to you. I would decide now if I would keep him or kick him to the curb if you do find out that he is unfaithful. There is no right answer here, only what you are willing to live with. If you want to fight for him, it can work out, but it will require a whole lot of truth and councelling to get your marriage back on track. I have seen couples split over this, but I have also seen marriages that HAVE survived. I hope your gut intinct is wrong, but I'd keep my eyes WIDE open. Good Luck Honey.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi
Probably not. Alarm bells would be seriously ringing for me after all that crap! Why would he want a pic on his phone of his mates partner anyway? bullshit. Joined a dating site to see if someone was on there? you dont have to join to browse so...bullshit.
Txt with kisses from someone he said is male but you know is female? bullshit.
Sorry but i wouldnt believe anything this guy if my life depended on it quite frankly. Hes an immature idiot.
Thats my honest opinion.
We dont trust our instincts enough thats our trouble.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, Nevalearn  +, writes (8 September 2007):
I'm sorry to say, but if you have a gut feeling about something your usually pretty well right. Just the fact that he is lying about the phone number would be enough to convince me. Why would he lie if he wasn't trying to hide something. If you want proof beyond doubt, stop accusing him of things and do some serious detective work. If he thinks you are checking up on him he will be really careful. Look up spy gear on the internet, its amazing what gadgets you can buy. Its a bit devious I know but he is lying to you. And it will put your mind at rest if he isn't cheating. Good Luck.
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