A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:It feels like guys only want me for sex. Every guy to ever show interest in me has somehow indicated that he wants something mainly if not entirely physical. It's made me really conscious and insecure because when a guy asks for my number or flirts with me etc I assume that he just wants to get in my pants. I'm 18 at university, so at the minute there is a high chance of that being true, although I wish it wasn't. I mean I've been told I look mature and more developed for my age and always have, but that shouldn't mean that a guy can't be interested in me for me and not for my body. Id much rather be called beautiful than "sexy" by a guy, but that is yet to happen.For example, when I was younger (around 13/14), I had a major crush on my guy friend, I practically believed I was in love with him and we were meant to be, and he supposedly had a thing for me too. I naively thought this meant he wanted me to be his girlfriend,but it didn't. He wanted to have sex with me, and even made several passes, which I declined because I believed that sex was something for grown ups, and at the time it wasn't very appealing to me. Since I declined, he went from barely speaking to me to not speaking to me at all, which really hurt.Guy number two is another guy friend. We've known eachother for close to 2 years and we're just friends who joked around and had a laugh. After a few months it escalated to friends who joked about and occasionally engaged in some innocent flirting. As you'd expect at this point I developed feelings for him which I couldn't shut off. He asked if I wanted to hang at his, watch movies and order food, and though I knew exactly what this usually meant, for some reason I thought he was different. Then again what else would a 21 year old guy want with a soon to be 18 year old girl other than to fool around? The feelings faded over time though and I went back to seeing him as a friend that I was sexually attracted to and we had sex just as friends. It was my call and I do believe I was over him, so we tried friends with benefits for a while, which was fun I guess. We're still friends now (this was back in February) but part of me wishes that things could've been different and that I lost my virginity to someone who cared for me as more than a friend.Guy number 3 is new. We met on a night out last week and we hit it off instantly. As a group (me and my friend and him and his friend) we just talked for hours and really got to know eachother. He's just so down to earth and he says I am too. Were in a process of planning a date but my insecurities have hit me harder than ever. What if he's just hoping to have sex with me? But then if he isn't I don't want to scare him with such accusation. On that night we made out a little but he was abit tipsy. Everybody slept at mine, but not like that. Me and the guy just talked some more, cuddles and went to sleep. He said that he respected my wishes to not sleep with him after knowing him for a few hours, and although my subconscious wanted to, I'm worth more than that and so managed to control myself and him.. Am I just being naïve here again, or could he want something more? I just don't know anymore... Should I give this a chance?
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crush, engaged, flirt, friend with benefits, insecure, lost my virginity, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Believe me you are right when you say that they all want sex. It is completely normal. It is up to you what you want to do, if you want casual then go for it, if you want a relationship then be honest with the guy and tell them that. They can make up there mind then if they want to get to know you more than on a sexual level. At your age guys hormones are going mad and it will look like it is all that they are after, but believe me plenty of guys do want a relationship as well. Don't compare guy 3 to the others, he sounds like a decent guy who respects your boundaries so get to know him.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 October 2017):
My Dear,
Every man you meet will want sex with you, if you offer it up. Is this a bad thing? NO!!! WHY?? What if they did not want to have sex with you? Then you would feel like a complete outcast.
The fact that men are after you means, you are beautiful, sexy, and have the sex appeal to make men want you....So, the easy part is covered....Awesome.
Now comes the hard part...Choosing which guy deserves you.
Look for a guy who treats his mother and sisters with love and respect. If he treats the females in his home in such a way, best chances are, he will do the same to you.
NEVER offer up sex to make a guy like you. He will not like you, he will love the sex.
Get a guy to love you first. If you feel you cannot wait until marriage to have sex. Then wait 3 to 6 months before you have sex with any guy. If he start pressuring you in that time for sex...Dump his ass. No matter how hot he is.
Watch out for this line..."If you love me, you will have sex with me." If you hear that...run!!!
Young men believe that sex equals love....NOPE!!! What they need to learn is...Love equals sex. So until you get the love first...no sex.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (5 October 2017):
Hello OP.
I want to disclose a little male secret: WE ALL WANT SEX WITH THE GIRL WE LIKE/HAVE A CRUSH.
If a guy tells you he is not into sex with you, don't believe him.
Now, many guys are very shameless and just stop further advances when a girl refuses to have sex with him. Other guys, like me, hang around long enough, until the right moment comes, without rushing or pressuring anyone.
Sex is a very important variable for guys, but for some, it's not a deal breaker. Some guys, like me, focus more in a more intellectual, emotional, and deeper level connection, and sex is (may be) a byproduct of that.
It seems like you are also interested in having a deeper connection with the guys in your life, but it seems like the guys you've dated don't want to go there. What you should do is look for guys that do care about you and are interested in creating a strong emotional relationship with you, and eventually a sexual relationship.
Guys that only want you for your physical appearance will eventually get bored of you and dump you for the newest/youngest/sexiest model, and usually you end up having lots of problems/fights because there is no emotional connection.
Best luck!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 October 2017):
 You're coming to the realisation that the majority of young males are only interested in casual flings, for the most part that's true, they want to get through their younger years with a little commitment and the maximum amount of fun possible.
I've been there myself, no interest whatsoever in more than sleeping with someone. It happens, its part of life and it's something that you grow out of. I can't imagine many university students wanting to add a relationship on top of their stresses about education that they're going through and there's nothing wrong with that at all.
But obviously from your post you're not interested in people with that mindset. That being said, the only option you have is to keep weeding these people out of the dating pool. If you want to find the one then you need to continue putting yourself out there and remaining firm and true to yourself that you're not interested in devaluing yourself.
Make guys get to know you first, offer to take you out on dates, or it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask them also. If they decline then they were after one thing, if they accept then go with it and see where it takes you. You're bound to find a lot of people that mess you around in life but there's nothing you can do besides pick yourself up and keep looking. It gets stressful at times but you will meet someone one day that made the search worth it.
This new guy, give him a chance. What's the worst that could happen? You're not gonna jump into bed with him early and he knows that and he's not high tailed it just yet. Make him wait longer, do fun stuff together and see what happens. You have nothing to lose so don't write it off just yet.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 October 2017):
 It's a culture thing, not a personal one. You just have to set your own boundaries to avoid being caught up in it.
- Go on public dates, never in private (until you're ready for intimacy)
- Wait at least a few months of being official
- Take things slowly; the first time you make out doesn't have to lead to sex
- Don't agree to FwBs unless that's *all* you want
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 October 2017):
 I think the way the "youth culture" (sorry for sounding old as dirt here but let me explain) of Tindr, FWB has young men and women have a pretty detached view of sex. They don't see it as an "end result" of deeper bond and feelings but something to do because "well... why not?" or "everyone else is doing it."
As much as the social stigma of casual sex for women have gone down, they still have to deal with the fact that young guys don't want to DATE a someone who does this, yet they still want sex to be freely available.
You agreed to an FWB because you HOPED it meant more or might lead to more. Which is naive and unrealistic but pretty common in young women.
What I would suggest is that you find your own personal standards and STICK to them.
If you don't want an FWB or casual sex then DON'T agree to it. (hoping it might be more, is as pointless as me hoping I'd grow wings so I can fly wherever I want to go).
Don't do "house-date" at each other's houses till there is a relationship. Spend time IN person getting to know a guy but don't be so eager to please and jump in bed with a guy. If after 2-3 months (or longer) you feel like you would LIKE to go further you have a talk about having a relationship with you two being BF/GF. If he wants that too, then you can slowly proceed to intimacy. On your terms and speed. If he doesn't... then you walk away.
When you meet a guy and you get talking, I'd bring up that you are NOT looking for casual sex, FWB but the real deal. Where two people get to know each other and grow with each other. Not just sex with someone.
Does that mean you might have to go through quite a few guy before finding someone who WANTS to get to know YOU, not just your body.... maybe. Think about it if a guy just wants sex is he really WORTHY of you? Of your company, your charm, wit, and body? Nope, so pass on the guy who show they are just looking for sex. They might SAY they are not looking for sex, but ... look at their actions not just trust their words.
Guy #3 might want more. I say GIVE him a chance to get to know you - just hold off on the sex til you are a couple. If he really wants to wait, he will wait. If he doesn't, he will walk away. If he keeps bringing it UP - even if he says he will wait, let him walk because someone who keeps bringing it up, is FOCUSED in THAT part.
And as for guy #2 - don't have regrets about it. Could it have been more "meaningful" for you? Yes, but seriously, you can't unscramble that egg... You CAN, however, learn from it. Even a guy whom you have known for a long time will give it a try if you seem willing. It's UP TO YOU to set boundaries. It's UP TO YOU to say no and stick to it.
Chin up.
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