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I suspect my ex set up my (now also an ex), boyfriend to cheat on me.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Online dating, Pornography, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. I go to his house every weekend for Friday and Saturday night, and he comes to my house usually to stay the night on Wednesdays. He's been a complete sweetheart to me and we had good plans for the summer togther. But then i have a crazy ex boyfriend who's yet to get over me and who has insisted he's going to ruin my new relationship.

I'm not sure if it was a real chick or my crazy ex, but two days ago a chick sent me a ton of screenshots where she had sat up trading nudes with my boyfriend long after he told me goodnight. He told her that he works all weekend long and that hes free Sunday evenings and off Monday's, news to me. I thought he worked Monday's. I didn't give him an explaination when i broke up with him, just that i was looking for somthing more serious and less open. He seemed very confused as if it was sudden, but then posted hateful stuff on his page. I blocked him, but then i think he realized my actual reason for leaving him. He told a few if my friends to please call him because there was a misunderstanding.

I'm so confused. I did every single thing by the book this time. I've been nothing but sweet too the guy, 50/50 on everything, I'm pretty, I'm affectionate. I feel so stupid but can't get passed it. What can i do to begin processing this? I'm not sure if i should talk to him or continue cutting him off completely.

View related questions: broke up, my ex

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 April 2019):

You really don't make any sense to me. You've accused somebody of trading nudes? How did you know they were of him? Did you recognize birthmarks, tattoos, jewelry, something clearly unique about his body? What??? How do you communicate with your ex that he is making threats? Why do you still have contact with your ex???

You almost make it seem like the dumped-guy is the lucky one! Perhaps he ducked a bullet! If you jump to conclusions without sufficient evidence; and you're still going through drama with a crazy ex. Then to top it off, you want to talk AFTER you accuse and dump him! Wow!

Bro, run for the hills! This drama is all too much! He's not even your boyfriend. You're just seeing each other. No, you don't go back and fix-it after you've kicked him to the curb. It would look desperate, and make you look dingy. You did what you had to do!

There's no pushing the toothpaste back into the tube. You've tried and convicted the guy; while knowing you and your ex-boyfriend are still having issues. Poor dude walked right into this one!

You said you did all the right things? It's quite odd you could list things as if they were done according to a written-plan or a checklist; and the behavior didn't come naturally to you. It appears you still have unresolved issues with an ex. Clean house, sweetheart! You've only dealt with half the problem! Finish dumping your ex!

Well, if you're right about the nudes, and your ex is still sabotaging your relationships; maybe you ought to find a new job, cut ties with mutual-friends, move; and start a new life somewhere else. You could also file a police report; if you honestly believe your boyfriend is stalking and harassing you. It has to stop somewhere. If you're both in your 30's, this stuff is quite juvenile.

Something else is odd. How come your ex is so chummy with your new boyfriend that he could set him up? How and why would some random female go after you? Don't you think all this drama is over the top? You've known him a whopping 3 months! If you date guys your ex knows; he has easy access, and will become a wedge. So, apparently they know each other.

Lesson learned. Don't date within circles where everybody knows everybody, and have mutual-friends. Best to meet people out of the circle, independent, and doesn't know the people you know.

Girlfriend, find yourself a new city and a new life. All this is too much! Seriously!!!

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A male reader, Pepi let pew Australia +, writes (15 April 2019):

Pepi let pew agony auntIm not proud of what im about to write.. But i am honest and for this i feel im an agony uncle that brings a different light to each question. I cheated in the begining of my last long term relationship not once but a few times. After the relationship started to grow i feel in love like i never had before. I was always faithful after we moved in together and i wanted us to move on from what i had done. This cheating that i had done stayed with us through our whole relationship. My partner became insecure and would allways ask me were id been where i was going..etc Our relationship lasted for 9 years but allways living underneath our love was my infidelity that i had commited.We had other normal partner related issues.But the crime that i had done would never leave us.. When we broke up i was ripped apart.. I never belived that i could love someone as much as i did. Through the pain i looked back at our relationship and realised the problem was at the start caused by me. I then made a packed to myself that i would never be a cheater ever again and learnt through counseling that when you cheat on your partner you are cheating on yourself and what could have been.. I now know that a man needs to make his partner feel secure.. Leave your mobile phone on the table go for a shower let your partner go through it. Show her afection.. When she askes to go somewhere and you cant be bothered.. Make the effort. Honesty and trust are the tip pf the spear when it comes to relationships.If you cant trust your partner its finished before its started. He now has the option to opoligise and try to fix things.. But you will know if he means it by his attitude. Its only been three months and you sound like a beautiful woman. I belive people can change but this is your call... And his attitude that will make or break you both. Iv stated in my response that i have been unfathful in my past relationship. I have also stated that i have learnt from the pain that i have caused and learnt how to have a healthy and honest relationship. Please respect my honesty with out any negative comments...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 April 2019):

Honeypie agony auntYou are SURE those nudes were his?

AS in did you recognize the pictures?

If you did recognize them, Don't get in touch with him. There is no point.

While it MIGHT have been your ex setting him up, HE (like N91 explained) CHOSE to converse and trade nudes. Doesn't matter if those were fake on your ex's side or not. Your new beau could have told "the chick" no thanks and blocked her from sending more but he DIDN'T.

Like you said, you are looking for something more serious and less "open", so DO just that. LOOK elsewhere.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (14 April 2019):

Ivyblue agony auntBabe, if I had my time over again I'd shut the door on being cheated on. No matter what degree the cheating was, nail it shut, glue it shut, oxy weld it shut, chain and lock it shut. You have proof that he exchanged nudes with some chick, what more do you need to know other than he is a low life, disrespectful low life. REAL men dont treat their women like that.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntN91 has hit the nail right on the head. It is irrelevant whether your previous ex was involved or not; your latest ex CHOSE to cheat on you. There is NOTHING to talk about. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you were to get back together, you would always be wondering what he was up to behind your back.

You KNOW you are worth better. There ARE good guys out there. You handled this well - except you should probably have told him EXACTLY why you broke up with him instead of trying to spare his feelings. The only "misunderstanding" in all this was him thinking you would never find out. He is an ex for good reason. Leave him there.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2019):

N91 agony auntTalk to him about what? He’s disrespected you and your relationship. Why would you even try to salvage things? If you go back to him you’re telling him it’s okay to get nude photos of other girls and talk to them behind your back.

Are you his doormat? Find someone who respects you. I really doubt your ex was involved in this, but even if it WAS your older ex trading fake nudes with your more recent ex, he still CHOSE to send his nudes across. In a nutshell, they’re both assholes.

Move on

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