A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. Last night I went over to his house but got there an hour before he did. The house was a mess with dishes and dirty laundry everywhere so I thought as a surprise before he comes home I would clean. (as a sidenote I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago so walking around is not the easiest thing right now) I had been at work all day and so had he so I thought a nice clean house would leave time for us to cuddle. When he got home he saw and said what I did was sweet then we had dinner and he laid on the couch listening to his music for the next 2 hours. As we were cleaning up at dinner he also mentioned how his ex wife had completely raised the bar in house cleaning (he wanted the divorce from her but had told me before that one of the things he liked about her was that she did housework). Later in the night he went and opened the laundry and started getting angry about why i filled the load so high and put too much detergent. His mood completely changed and he was pissed. He said that earlier I had put the soup on the stove too long and now I did the laundry wrong and that I was incapable of doing housework. I was really upset because I had only wanted to help him when I cleaned his house and I did not purposefully do anything wrong I told him its the way I normally do laundry and he said in an angry tone everyone in the universe knows these things and that even when he was a little kid he knew not to make these mistakes. Then he went to bed angry, I came to bed and told him 'I was only trying to help you, I didn't mean to mess up the laundry and I cleaned the rest of the house' and he responded 'It's not about this laundry, you have done the laundry wrong once before by turning the heat of the dryer up too high, do you not know how to do housework? You are just lousy at doing things around the house, aren't you a woman?' At that point I was so floored by his 'aren't you a woman' comment I just turned around and went to bed with tears in my eyes. He went to bed too. Am I overreacting or is this guy just super messed up?P.S. I also want to mention how he believes women and men should split everything 50/50 and if you live together each party is responsible for half of everything (rent, food,etc) So if you are thinking he is old fashioned it's only in the sense of housework and not other things!) And he makes a very good income so could very well afford supporting his significant other, but he said if he fully supported someone financially it would make him feel 'stupid' or like he is being 'ripped off.' My dilemma in not dumping him is that we have some sort of chemistry but the thing is I am 29 and never married and he is 36 and divorced. He wants to wait till 40 to maybe get married again and I don't. But the question is if he is even worth being with???Please help!!!
View related questions:
at work, divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 October 2015):
Also I want to add that he probably doesn't consider himself a bad person. He probably feels completely justified in his behavior. Or at least enough not to change. Once people are adults and they show this behavior, having them change is almost impossible to do. He'll have to realize what he's doing and WANT to change. You can't change him. Please don't believe you can, because no matter how much love you give him, it won't be enough.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 October 2015):
Ask yourself that why it takes you pulling away from him for him to finally be nice to you. You want to know why? Because honey catches flies better than acid does. You're the fly. And once he's got you firmly in his grasp he doesn't have to be nice anymore. Because if he brainwashes you into thinking you deserve this and that you can't get anyone better, he doesn't have to put in any effort anymore.
Don't be fooled by his "nice" moments. You're waiting for the clouds to pass so you can see the sun. Well, there's no sun. The sun is just a lamp he puts on once in a while to lure you in.
Please leave him. If his ex wants him back, well good luck to her. Don't concern yourself with that part of his life. Just concern yourself with getting out of his life.
He ticks all the boxes for an abuser. And abusers aren't always nasty all the time. They can act very kind and be charismatic and compelling. That's why they get girlfriends in the first place. They're very good at convincing people they love them and and that their anger is just a "mood" or a temporary thing. It's not. It's a permanent thing and the longer you stay with him, the longer those nasty moods will last until he completely erases your sense of self.
You love him. He doesn't love you. He can't. It's all about him and what he wants. Oh sure, he might do something for you once in a while, but it's not because he actually wants to do something for you, but because keeping you complacent increases his chances of eventually gaining full control over you.
Please please be strong and leave him. It'll be the best thing you'll do, trust me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (29 October 2015):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thank you all for the overwhelmingly support and your detailed answers regarding my situation. All of you have very good points. It's just so hard to break away from a situation when he is so hot and cold. The moment I start breaking away he gets nice again. Also a lot of you mentioned about his ex wife, the crazy part about that is that she is dying to have him back and told him in a text that I saw myself 'I love you why can't we be together, you are the reason for my creation' and he is the one wanting to stop being with her because he says he never loved her. But he is also not an ass to her I think because he is afraid she will take more money from him in the divorce settlement plus she manipulates him saying she wants to commit suicide and freaks him out at midnight once or twice a month breathing heavily and begging to talk to him (luckily she lives a few states away w her parents now) then the next day texts him saying she would never commit suicide and it's riduculous of him to think she would (this has happened multiple times in the last few months).
Given all this you may ask why in the hell I would stay with him I know :/....it's just that he can sometimes be really nice and sweet so that part of him has my heart. Do you think he will ever change? Or is it really truly hopeless?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2015): I was married to a verbally abusive man that controlled me because he thought my getting a green card prevented me from leaving him. He will tell you things that are contradictions just to make you feel guilty. The more guilty you feel, the more you will stay. He is not content with just being in a relationship peacefully, he will only feel in control once he has control over you with fear or guilt.
Leave him immediately and don't look back. You are worthy of respect. You shower him with kindness and he doesn't even appreciate that. He should not lose his temper, you have been nothing but an angel to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 October 2015):
To answer the title question: NO this guy is not worth being with.
He's treating like you're less than him and he's just plain nasty towards you. Surely someone who loves you wouldn't do that? Would you ever do that to him? No. Then why should you put up with it? So don't and be happy he showed his hand early on, so you can leave.
Please, please have enough self respect to leave this man. I will bet you my rent money and my savings that you can find someone better than this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2015): Now you see why he's somebody's ex-husband. He was unappreciative, nasty, and quite insensitive.
Sure sign that this is how he was brought-up. I can only guess. His mother picked up after him and his old-school chauvinistic father; and any other siblings he has. She was the household maid, running behind them constantly keeping everything tidy. Apparently, none of it rubbed-off on him. On top of it, he is a condescending douche-bag; and those kinds of men always end-up with passive-type women. They just assume they're the boss, and you'll runaround trying to please him. All sappy and subservient. That curdles my blood!!! Nothing you do will ever be good enough. He's already comparing you to a standard. Who does he think he is?
What's wrong with you, girlfriend? You should have left that night, and never turned back!!!
Well, he showed his true colors. Like always, you came up with some redeeming quality that you love so much about him. He has no right to talk to you that way. His house was a dump, and he's 36 years old; and can't clean his own home. Yet scolds you about how you do the laundry?
Seriously?!!!
You're going to go out of your way trying to get his approval. Always in tears and dragging your heart behind you. Trying to show you can do better; like he's your father and master. Men like him see women useful only for breeding and housekeeping. He'd put you to work too, and still expect a clean house and dinner on the table.
His ex-wife is a smart lady! She's gone!
If he earns decent money, let the jerk hire a maid or housekeeping service.
The only words that should have come out of that upside-down butt-hole he calls a mouth, should have been "thank you!" Stick around, see what other cruel and heartless crap he can dump on you.
That's the kind of husband he'd be, the kind of father he make, and the kind of man he is. Don't wait until he has worn and torn you down to a puddle of misery and deflated self-esteem. You'd be useless to yourself; and too emotionally-damaged to maintain a good relationship.
Sweetie believe me when I say, you can do better! That was said to me by the guy who dumped me, and I did!
Learn when it's time to get out of a bad situation. The chemistry sounds pretty toxic to me. It's not going to get any better, and your love won't change him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 October 2015):
 Not only are you not over-reacting.... but, when he made that "...aren't you a woman..." comment, it would have been appropriate for you to have said, "Nope, I'm not a woman.... I'm a stranger, to YOU!!!" and left.... (and never looked back). This guy is no "boyfriend"... he's an idiot.
P.S. You may come over and clean my house any time you wish,... and I will be all gushy about how well you did it!!!
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 October 2015):
 I'm 100% with YouWish.
He is ONLY dating a woman because he needs a new maid, after all the "old maid" (aka the wife) left him.
The fact that he used the " My ex wife set the bar for cleaning very high" was his way of trying to tell you that he wants you to "compete" with another woman - one he isn't even with any more and who could be the worlds biggest slob for all you know, but HE wants you to think you are INFERIOR to her, because he HOPES that you will want to "prove" to him that you are the perfect little maid/housekeeper/cook etc. IT IS pure BULL CRAP and pure MANIPULATION.
And then he wants to make you feel even MORE inferior by using the "aren't you a woman?" comment. He wants you to feel grateful that he is "lowering himself (in his eyes) to date you.
He is a misogynistic prat. No wonder he is divorced.
He has figured out that he can EXPECT the woman to provide 50% of the financial costs (which are fair enough) but on top of providing HALF the financial support, she is ALSO supposed to be doing ALL the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the chores.... ALL because she is a WOMAN. What kind of idiotic reasoning is that?
YES, I would dump him and NEVER look back, I would block him from my life 100%.
I wold NEVER accept a partner who looks at me and treats me as if I'm not their equal, but below them.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 October 2015):
 Sounds like a typical misogynist to me. Run to the hills, He's not worth another moment of your time. Oh, wait you have a sprained ankle. Take a cab.Good Luck Lots of men would give a body part to have a woman like you.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2015):
 Hello again! I like getting questions from people like you who has come for advice from us on a regular basis, and even better has followed up with what happened or more of your thoughts! So it's good to have you back!
Is this guy the "ethnicity" guy you talk about in your past questions? You had some posts around the 8 month ago mark talking about some guy and you being the same "ethnicity". You didn't name what it was, but I was wondering if it meant some cultural gender norms that non-ethnic people don't normally bump up against.
Either way, it won't change my advice much here. I'm going to number my thoughts to keep them organized and easier for you to read, and I haven't gotten any "OMG you are so long and annoying" pm's from other aunts or people like you, so here goes:
1. Ever wonder why a guy is divorced in the first place? Up until now, did you just think that it was all his ex's fault, and that he divorced her and is now some knight to sweep you off of your feet? Uhh yeah. The first thing I thought of was "his ex *has* to be ecstatic on more than one level to have gotten rid of HIM!".
2. You did something *really* nice for him (I would never ever clean for a guy who wasn't my husband!), and he responds by comparing you to his ex. That is 99 levels of wrong. Again, if his *EX* was this perfect cleaning machine, and after he left her, his apartment was a nasty disgusting mess with dirty dishes and such, do you realize just how much of a nightmare he was to her?? People who are naturally neat and tidy don't find it loving or adoring to clean up after a slob who takes her for granted his entire life.
3. Then he turns around and criticizes YOU for the job you did on HIS laundry, as if the skid marks on his underwear are a gift from God. And the guy who lives in a pigsty of a house has the nerve to call YOU "incapable" of cleaning? What the hell is *HIS* excuse?? You used too much detergent and filled it too full?? WHAT!? A washing machine TELLS you via a buzzer whether or not it is overfilled! He criticized your soup as well.
4. So let me get this straight....you cleaned his house and he calls you "incapable". You do his laundry, and he gets pissed because you what...did "too much" of it, and then after all that, you COOK for him at HIS house, and he criticizes how long the soup was on?!?!? Why was *he* not cooking for *you*?!?
5. I'm sorry, but his criticism, attitude, and comment, "Aren't you a woman" would have had me drop him to the curb faster than I could say "it's over forever". He CAN'T have it both ways - wanting some server girl, yet spouting the whole pathetic "if he fully supported someone financially it would make him feel 'stupid' or like he is being 'ripped off.'". Under his own misogynistic ethos, doesn't that make him "not a man" to not support a woman he expects to fulfill the dutiful stereotype he feels entitled to?
This guy is NOT good for you. At 8 months, if this is how he is, then it's a good bet to say that at 5 years down the road, he's a monster. His wife probably wept tears of joy when she realized he wasn't sucking the life out of her. That's the problem with divorces - he took 50% of the reason why his marriage blew up into his new relationship with you, and instead of learning how to become a better person, he reverted to his nastiest self and decided not to even make the effort to court you.
Also, if you don't want to attract sexist guys, don't fall into the domestic role so easily! In this case, you cast your pearls before swine, your efforts being the pearls, and him being the swine. He just trampled your love under his feet, only to turn around and tear you apart for it.
End it. This guy is not for you, and if you don't, he'll treat you with disrespect easier and easier and nastier and nastier. He's not a nice guy. He is a disgusting asshat who doesn't deserve you or another person to love him ever again. Leave him to his dirty house, dirty dishes, nasty food, and underwear skid marks. No "ethnicity" excuses his actions and words. Don't you start excusing him!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (23 October 2015):
 No, he's not worth being with. He's a jerk and put you down and is very controlling. I wouldn't be with him and I wouldn't wait to marry him. Get out now before the verbal abuse turns to physical abuse. Take it from someone who has been there. You deserve far better sweetie!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2015): If he believes bills should be 50/50 he should believe the same of housework, he seems to want to pick and choose parts of equality. He is not a good person, his ex is well rid of him and you should be too, leave him, you should be with someone who considers you their equal and is happy when you help them, not someone who would belittle you for something he himself seems incapable of doing.
He is not worth a relationship, certainly not a serious one, an early divorce can be a sign that someone is to be avoided, especially one where he claims to have stayed because he liked having her as a maid, that's a definite sign he won't pull his weight.
Leave now before his verbal abuse worsens.
...............................
|
