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I still have feelings for her. Should I keep in touch? She's about to marry another girl.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Crushes, Dating, Flirting, Gay relationships, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 October 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 October 2016)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

So I need a little help.

Last year around this time, I started seeing a girl. She was beautiful, smart, educated, sweet. All things I look for in a relationahip. Honestly nothing was really lacking and we were pretty great together. We dated for about four months and never fought or had any real issues.

Enter my ex girlfriend into the equation. She re-emerged and completely messed my head up. We dated for three years and had a very rocky relationship. We always split up and then got back together.

Well she reappeared into my life and wanted to work things out.

I stupidly decided to give it another go because I was an idiot. I broke things off with the new girl to make one last effort with my ex. Of course, it inevitably failed and the girl I had been seeing for 4 months wound up reconnecting with her long time ex in the meantime.

I spoke to her briefly at that time and we made small talk. I got the impression she seemed happy in her relationship and so I left her alone and backed off. We occasionally say hi and catch up, but nothing serious.

So the other day, I'm on fb and see that she's posted a picture with her gf saying they were going to get their marriage license that day and planning a small wedding for three weeks from that day. I was a bit saddened because I still had the 'what if' thing going on.

I messaged her to say congrats and we got to talking. She started telling me that she still checks my fb page daily, reads my horoscope, thinks about me all the time, and just overall, never fully got over us.

That it was a short relationahip, but that it ended so quickly and abruptly when things were going so well, that she never got closure and still had wondered 'what if' also.

She told me she got back together with her ex right after me because I had hurt her so badly, that she just needed comfort.

And her ex comforted her for the first few months before they gave it another go. And that if I had come back around then, she would have been with me in a heartbeat.

Since then, she's kept in constant contact with me and even came to see me. I'm not proud of the fact that I kissed her because I know it's wrong. I just don't know what's going on now.

She's second-guessing her wedding now, but can't back out as thousands have already been spent for a wedding taking place next Friday! I know we should just cut contact, but she won't let me!

She keeps telling me she doesn't want me to disappear again and she doesn't know what the hell to do. A part of me thinks she's just a cheater and would very well just cheat on me if the rolls were reversed.

But she's trying to convince me that it's just me and only me that she's so stuck on. And that she's never cheated before in her whole life but that she just never got closure with us and it's just incredibly confused.

I know I should walk away, but I definitely have feelings still. No doubt about that.

And I'm certain she does too.

Postponing the wedding seems to be off the table because of money and time. What do I do??

View related questions: ex girlfriend, got back together, her ex, money, my ex, split up, wedding

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (3 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIf she wanted to be with you she would cancel the wedding. It sounds like she is playing you. You are asking us what you should do, well you have two choices, cut her from your life or be the other woman and watch her get married yet be her bit on the side. You decide.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (3 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIf she wanted to be with you she would cancel the wedding. It sounds like she is playing you. You are asking us what you should do, well you have two choices, cut her from your life or be the other woman and watch her get married yet be her bit on the side. You decide.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (1 October 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntJust because we are with someone does not automatically mean we will not find others attractive. It's what we do about that attraction that defines what sort of human beings we are. As human beings, we can feel attraction but understand it would be wrong to follow it through. We do not have to act on these feelings.

You (quite rightly, I would say) already have feelings of doubt about your ex's morals, suspecting that, as she is not faithful to the woman she is about to settle down with, she could do the same to you. I would say your gut feeling on this is probably spot on. Imagine how upset her partner would be if she found out about what has been going on. You cannot build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness. The universe doesn't work that way.

If your ex truly felt you were the one for her, she would have called off the ceremony, regardless of how much it cost. She has chosen not to do this. To me that means she wants to keep you as a Plan B, a safety net in case her main relationship doesn't work out. Despite what she says, you are not a priority.

Back off, cut contact, wish her well and walk away with your head held high. Keep busy on the day of the ceremony so you don't have time to think about it. Yes, it will hurt, but it will hurt a lot more if you stay in contact as her fallback.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (1 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, take some time off from dating. Assess your life and figure out what you want from the next few years. What do you want from a relationship? Join a new hobby. Focus on yourself.

You're at a stage in your life where you should probably want something stable and reliable, not flimsy and fickle. Be the type of girlfriend you want, not the type you're being now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016):

Not to downplay your woes, but sweetie this is typical gay-drama. The should-haves, would-haves, and could-haves of looking back on broken relationships that ended for a reason.

I'm sorry, but four-months is not long enough to bond a good and meaningful relationship.

If it was well-established, you never would have left it. You are constantly in a cycle of back-and-forth. Which is an indication of indecisiveness and immaturity. You're in-love with being in-love, and soon as that high fades; you run back to the old relationship to get that high again.

Yes, kissing someone who is engaged and promised to another is very wrong. You only wanted to create doubt and restart that same old cycle of running back to exes. You need your ego stroked to prove you can snatch your exes back whenever you want. I've seen that old game played too many times. Now I'll share some wisdom with you.

With irresponsibility and betrayal of trust comes the karma. You end up regretting not sticking with what you had, because the grass is always greener. Or, you're too weak to summon some self-control; and be faithful to the person you claim to love.

Most re-conciliatory relationships do not work, and breakup for the same reasons. They are nothing but reruns of the same old story. They work for a few weeks or months; then the old unresolved problems comeback, and the relationship is over yet again. Relationships more like romance novels. The run of the mill gay-theatrics, that play-out like tired old soap operas. All the characters comprised of a bunch of drama-queens and silent-film stars strewn across couches sulking and performing.

Back-off, and move-on. Your recontact was only to contaminate her relationship with someone else for your selfish reasons. Instead of giving your blessings, you threw a wrench in it. Of course, giving that same old lame excuse that you just couldn't help yourself. Bull!

Do what's right. Wish her well, and go no contact. Take time-off from having recycled-relationships and grow-up. Get back in-touch with your independence and do some soul-searching. Fly solo, and do some self-improvement.

You need work. You get jealous over your exes, and you only want them back once you see them moving on. Do you never get-over anybody? You have to let go, my dear!

Restart dating sometime down the road. Make new friends, and start meeting new people. Stop recycling your old relationships; only because they're familiar, and you're too lazy or afraid to get out there and start from scratch.

Get your act together, and learn from your mistakes.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (1 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThe first thing I'd like to say is that it's pretty easy to not have any fights or major issues in the honeymoon period. In fact, if you'd had any problems in the first four months, it would be a red flag.

I understand you have a lot of history with your ex, but you should have known that on-off relationships don't work and, if you really felt it would work out with the new girl, you wouldn't have left.

You need to tell her bluntly that you will not stick around to watch her marry someone else. Then you need to block her. She will have to leave you alone if you refuse to talk to her. Don't cave, OP; that's what happened with your ex.

Look at it objectively, OP. If postponing the wedding isn't an option, she's getting married. That means *she* is not an option. Let go and don't give her an option to keep clinging on. I don't doubt she's stuck on you, but she's *choosing* to go through with marriage to someone else. I'm sorry, OP, but there's your answer. You have to cut her off completely and block her.

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