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female
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anonymous
writes: Okay, so, there's this girl, and I've known her for a long time. We didn't really talk much until about 6 months ago when things started to get serious. Before 6 months ago, I never really thought about her. But I totally fell in love with her. She's all I think about, and I guess I became a little, well, obsessed. Anyways, it wasn't love at first sight, but when I knew, I knew. She is the person I am meant to be with. But I guess my personality got in the way. I would do anything for her. But I just worried about her so much, and I would get so jealous. I guess I was too paranoid and I got caught snooping and jumping to conclusions. She doesn't know what she means to me, she just thinks the relationship was for fun, and she basically ended it when I got out of control. Now we haven't been talking, and it's killing me. I've tried to talk to her, called her, left her notes, and talked to her online, but I get no response. She's totally trying to shut me out of her life, but I just can't let her go. She left yesterday for college, and now she's 2 to 3 hours away, and I have no idea where to find her. Every time I call her or send her messages, I feel like I'm pushing her farther away. What can I do to get the love of my life back?
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fell in love, jealous Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, pops +, writes (20 August 2005):
You are pushing her father away. If you keep it up, the next contact you will have is from a sheriff with a warrant for your arrest for harrassing her. Stop trying to contact her. She has told you everyway she can that this relationship is over. DONE. FINITO. I know your are hurt, but you will survive and learn from your mistake. Deal with whatever it is that causes you to be so insecure that you have to check up on people you should otherwise trust.
A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (20 August 2005):
 You can't do anything to get her back-it's over and you have to accept that. Take the mistakes you made in this relationship, learn from them and move on. Your jealousies and insecurities ruined the relationship for you. Before you get into any other relationships, you need to get this behaviour under control. Get some serious counselling or it will plaque you for years to come.
Jealousy & insecurities can be a very powerful emotions and will lead to all sorts of problems and issues, in your life. Jealousy in relationships can be extremely damaging, potentially leading to irreconcilable breakdown. Like other anxieties, the symptoms of jealousy can range from the relatively minor (such as constantly asking where the other partner is going/snooping, etc) up to more serious displays of jealousy in a relationship re: abuse.
She saw these character traits in you and recognized them for what they were. Leave her alone-quit messaging her, etc. It's over, done! Get on with your life and move on.
But work hard at understanding why you have feelings of jealousy and why you have insecurities. There is NO room for these type of feelings in a healthy, loving relationship. Good luck
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A
male
reader, pdude +, writes (20 August 2005):
First of all, i am sure you are a male reader rather than female as it says in the message. If so, i have been through a similar experience with a girl. The only difference is that i was not so much in love with her but at a point, i did get enamoured by her and wanted to have more of her. I made the same mistake of trying to be overcontrolling and that pushed us apart. The girl jumped to conclusions and questioned her step of trusting me in first place.
Soon i realized that she was just having fun with me and wasn't serious or honest about me. The thing that saved me in this case was that i was also trying her and did not commit or fall in love (though i was on the verge of it). However, i did apologize to her for my behaviour and she did forgive me and said she wanted to be friends only, nothing serious. The experience somehow shocked me and i said i no longer can be the same person with her i used to be before and broke up gracefully but with some guilt and frustration about the fling.
Two years down the line, i have developed a whole new outlook of looking at relationship with girls and have become overcautious and most of the times i am able to decipher the honesty from fraud.
In your case, i would say it wouldn't me worthwhile for your self-esteem to keep trying to win her back. It will show your sign of desperation and even if you do manage to win her, you wouldn't be sure about the girl's intentions. It would be rather advisable to spent some time away from your personal life and explore other things like your relationship with your male friends. I am sure some of your male friend would have their own experiences with girls to share with you. This might give you other perspective and might give you some comfort and confidence. It did prove like this in my case. In fact, now i have developed more healthy attitude towards women and i no longer try to be as possessive i used to be before (sometimes, girls try to do it no me though :-) ).
Also during the time you can maintain a fairly distant relationship with your girl as a friend. Over the time, if she realizes the value of your feelings, she might show interest back in you.
Hope this was helpful.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia +, writes (20 August 2005):
Well the thing is that when the jealousy and possession became a worrying factor, she did what most women did...she fled ...literally. Usually those things lead to more serious actions and she thought it best that she cut contact with you for her sake. I understand you fear of losing her and being so in love that you don't want anyone to snag her up but you have to understand that she is human and as a human she has freedoms and such. I know you are hurting now and have seen the error of your ways. If you really love her...stop sending all those messages. What you can do is send her one that says that you are sorry and that you love her very much. Tell her that you are going to get help for your jealousy problems and that you hope that you guys can at least be friends when it is over. Then when that happens take it from there. But you need to get some help with thet jealousy thing though. Let nature take its course. ana
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