A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for six years to my husband and we have had problems in our marriage, i was starting to feel unsecure because everytime we fought he would threaten to leave. I started to get to know my husbands friend and felt he was attractive, one night i felt vulnerable and very unsecure but for some reason i turned to his friend and felt happier..we ended up sleeping together and since then i cant stop thinking about him or wanting to be with him. I love my husband very much and we have two kids together and dont know what to do? i dont want to shut his best friend out of my life or my husband.. im just having a hard time figuring out what to doo and why i slept with his friend because i never cheat..maybe i got hurt to much by my husband but i dont know please help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Shame on you.... You make cheating sound so "casual". It sounds like to me that you are falling in love with your husband's friend. You need to address the issues at hand. Either go to couples counceling with your husband or leave him. Otherwise, your bad behavior will more than likely repeat itself.
If my boyfriend EVER did this to me if we had problems??? He would be history!!! Nobody deserves to be cheated on.
A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 You never cheat! But guess what... you have now. Let's get this straight. You have a fight, he threatens to leave, so you decide to solve it all by sleeping with his friend. Did you feel in any way better about your relationship (the one with your husband) after that?
You're husband might be surprised at the consequences of his threats. From what you have written, it seems that in your relationship cause and effect are way out of proportion.
What to do now? If you can't decide between your husband and his `friend' and since your husband has a wife and a friend who are not quite what they seem, you should perhaps be honest with him about all of this and let him decide.
What if you have an arguement with the `friend' and he threatens to leave?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 April 2012):
 Sleeping with someone else doesn't fix your marriage. And having two guys when you are married is not going to work. So YOU will have to decide WHO you want to be with and work on that.
You will have to tell your husband. Because when you sleep with his BEST friend it is bound to come out at some point. This might be the thing to make your husband stop threatening with leaving and actually leave you, so be prepared.
You made your bed.
If you husband wants to stay with you, I hope you two go for some couples counseling. What you did is not something that can just be undone or swept under the rug. YOU will have to own your actions.
You can blame your husband on your marriage not working, but the cheating THAT is all on you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Your husband threatening to leave when you have problems is emotional blackmail and such behaviour would wear thin very quickly.
Though the man you call your husband’s friend is no real friend of you husband. Not any more.
It is fine to sometimes turn to another person for emotional support. You were feeling insecure and vulnerable. You needed a strong shoulder to lean on and if it had stayed that way I would have applauded your husband’s friend as a wonderful go-between doing his best to get his friend’s marriage back on track.
But then a line was crossed. And now you have a scrambled mess to try to bring it back to how you would like things to be.
You have two children and your husband to consider. So first and foremost there needs to be some work on finding where you and your husband do have common ground. Surely something could be done to identify where there is common ground and where some compromises might make things better?
Then follow that up with examining where this other guy and you have common ground. He comforted you. Then he comforted you a little more and then a little more again. In the end you slept together.
When you analyse the situation I think you will see that there needs to be some work on your relationship between you and your husband before you consider your marriage over.
Your husband may even suspect already. He would surely have seen some changes in you, even if he has said nothing. And he may even have seen his “friend?” has changed the way he relates to your husband.. Guilt can do that.
Yes you probably did feel unbearably hurt by all the arguments and maybe you felt it was an answer to your pain. And the respect between you and your husband must have been really dented for you to turn to another man.
The forbidden is usually more exciting in the short term than the run of the mill.
But in the long run the prospect of your marriage breaking up will also affect your children and your husband and you. You have no guarantee that your husband’s ‘friend will stick around .
And once your husband knows he too will feel betrayed and deeply hurt.
Get some outside help in the form of couples therapy. Work on how to make life better between you and your husband. Make more time for just you and your husband to spend quality time together if you have a reliable relative who can assist with baby sitting.once a month.
Also learn to resolve arguments in a win-win manner rather than a win-lose manner.
A good couples therapist can help you learn these skills. In the long run your marriage can strengthen not disintegrate.
Once you have made a decision to build a life together and have children together I think it is too special to toss it all away without a lot of soul searching and some hard work. I do not think it will be easy but in the end it is potentially the most rewarding outcome.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 April 2012):
 First of all, you'll have to tell your husband. That's the only way to begin healing from this. You cheated because you made that decision to. You can try to make all these excuses as to why you did, but in reality they are irrelevant, because they didn't force you to do what you had done.
Begin there, and if he decides to stay with you, marriage counseling is the next step, and it may also help you to stop contact with his friend.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Problems make people do irrational things. If you still love your husband telling him about the affair will ruin a lot of things. For the sake of your kids try working on your marriage and get to the root of the problem. Atimes counselling can work. I wouldn't tell him if I were you, avoid seeing this family friend as he's now a temptation in your life and should stay far away from him. What happened between you was a mistake and shouldn't happen again. Its something you'll have to live and deal with.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Why did you cheat? Well because you are unhappy in your marriage, so rather than dealing with your problems and working with your husband to sort the problems out, you cheated. It is you basically avoiding your issues by seeking comfort elsewhere (i.e. with another man).
I think what you need to do is get marriage counselling, for the sake of your children. And at some point you are going to have to tell your husband what you have done - he might leave you or he might chose to stay and work at it, we cant tell you what he is going to do but you cannot cheat on him with his friend and lie about it, you will have to tell him sooner or later.
You have 2 kids with your husband and for their sake you should try and work things out. You at least need to try your best to make it work, so if they one day ask why you got divorced you will be able to tell them that you did your best and tried to stay together but it just wasnt possible. Children are always better off if their mum and dad are together, so you should try and work on the marriage.
Whether your husband is going to want to work on it once he finds out what you have done is a different matter. But that is the consequence of cheating - you have broken your marriage vows, you have done the unthinkable to your husband, it is pretty appalling sleeping with his friend so you should be prepared that he is going to be very, very upset and hurt by your actions.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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