A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to a guy I met on the internet for about 3 months. We have always had great conversation, we like each other alot. We skype, phone call, text, IM, etc every day. Last week, I made the decision to finally start talking about sex. We've established that we like each other romantically, and it has been 3 solid months of talking and getting to know each other. Last week, as well as talking about sex, I sent him a few nude photos. I made the decision to do this, he didn't force me, or even ask me. He was very pleased with the photos. We ended up having phone sex later that week. We still talk everyday even after the phone sex, so that is a sign that it is still going well. My ultimate question is, Do you think that sending him the photos and engaging in phone sex with him lowered my value as a female, or that he lost respect for me? I know that a lot of times men lose respect for women after having sex with them. - I am also wondering, does having phone sex and sending him nude photos insinuate that we are going to have sex the first time we meet? I have a strict policy that I only have sex or engage in sexual activity when I am in a committed relationship. I don't want to be thought of as a tease or a whore for doing what I did, and even though we have been talking for 3 months, I still want to go through the normal process of meeting in person, going on dates and spending time, having him court me, etc. Im sorry for the extended post, just curious of all these aspects.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 December 2018):
 Strict code yet you’ve sent nudes and had phone sex? Doesn’t sound that strict to me.
Yes I’m 99.9% certain that he thinks you’ll be having sex the first time you meet. If I was the guy in the situation that’s exactly how I’d view it. Sending nudes is a very sexually aggressive act and quite obviously shows that you’re interested in the other person to a high degree.
You don’t even know who you’re talking to. Unless you’ve met in person multiple times and spoken face to face you have no idea who’s on the other side of that conversation. Surely you’ve seen the tv show catfish. How haven’t you met yet after 3 months? Whenever I was speaking to girls in the past I would be trying to organise a meeting of some sorts within the first week or two, one to show interest and two that I’m not trying to waste time, 3 months is a long time to still not know who you’re speaking to.
The guy could be completely genuine but until you meet, you never know. I’d highly recommend tightening the screws on that ‘strict code’ also.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 December 2018):
 I think it's too early to send nude photos because you haven't met. You don't even know if you like him for his mannerisms, or if there's physical chemistry, things that you can't see in photos. Not to get so grim here since there are scammers, pervs and cyberbullies online, there are also guys who sincerely want relationships but find it hard to do so in real life.
My opinion on sharing sexuality is that there are women who are sexual and low value, sexual and high value. There are women who are non sexual and high value, non sexual and low value. There are different combinations so not everything is so cut and dry.
Having already sent photos, it doesn't mean he has no need to court you. If a guy really likes a girl he would do what's necessary. Sending nude photos can mean there will be sex in the future, it doesn't have to be now. Be absolutely non apologetic about it. You were vulnerably open and he didn't expect the photos. Stop thinking negative topics like using sex as a bait, or using purity as a bait. Those negative patterns do not help in your connection to each other at all. All it does is create tension and battle between the sexes. There has to be suspense and anticipation in courting, but you don't want to view your sexuality and purity as a trading commodity for commitment. You want to also be carefree, relaxed and the empowered one to be making mutual decisions in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 December 2018):
 OK, OP I'm going to be blunt and honest with you. And you might not like what I have to say, and that is OK. As long as you hear it.
1. 3 months is NOTHING. They aren't "solid" months because you haven't meet and interacted in person, ALL you know about him (and he about you) is what HE has TOLD you ( and what YOU have told him). YOU DO NOT KNOW this guy. It's a WHOLE other ball-game when it's a person you spend time with IN PERSON where you can observe their little idiosyncrasies, habits, "flaws", personality, social skills and general behavior. TOTALLY different!
2. You are putting yourself as risk here. Sending nudes to someone you BARELY know and have never met, is just stupid and unsafe. YOU have NO idea who he might pass these on to, share then with, sell the images, etc. YOU have NO CONTROL once you hit SEND on pictures like that. NONE. and yes, it can come back to bite you on the ass.
3. Consent... DO you know what that is? I'm asking because you think that IF he PRESUMES you will have sex first time you meet him, you have to do it. WHY? He might think you are UP for anything, after all you have NO sense of self-preservation or common sense when it comes to sharing your nudes, so I wouldn't BE surprised if he "expects" sex the first time you meet. Does it mean you HAVE to have sex with him? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT!
4. when you are THIS hyper-sexual BEFORE you meet, he might not be all that interested in "courting" you, after all he has already seem you in the nude. You kind of SKIP many steps when you go about having a sexual "relationship" before you even know each other. SEX is the focus. and then YOU want to dial it down to dates and him courting you. It's ASSBACKWARDS.
5. I don't think MEN in general loses respect for a women when having had sex. Interest in the women, perhaps - but not respect.. Unless he gets sex served on a platter when they barely know each other. I think MEN who loses respect for a woman who engages in sex VERY early on, are HYPOCRITES. Because they are involved in the sex too, so how can it be bad if a woman do it and no them? Yeah? Yet there IS a double standard in society that a women is a slut if she is sexually active with either a lot of men or with strangers or really fast, whereas a man is a stud.
However, you do as if this lowers your value as a woman. For some guys it will. For others it won't.
I think you really NEED to use more common sense here, OP. I get that it's fun, that you get loads of attention and it makes YOU feel good, feel pretty, feel sexy, feel wanted - but you STILL need to try and be a little smarter about this.
Dial it back a bit with the sex. TALK to him and EXPRESS how you would like to proceed. As in, you would like to meet in person, you would like to date him (if you hit it off in person) and be courted. That SEX would be off the table until you are BOTH content to be in a committed relationship.
DO NOT use sex as a carrot to get guys to be interest in you. US your personality. Your sense of humor, your wit, your charm, etc. BE you! Not what you think a guy would want.
HAVING SEX or OFFERING sex to a guy doesn't increase the chance of him wanting to DATE you seriously. He might think (regardless of what you TELL him) that you are like this with any Tom, Dick or Harry you talk to online. And he might not be Ok with that FOR his GF. For a girl he just chats with online, it's OK... But not for a GF.
Sorry, if all this seemed harsh.
And remember when you meet him in PERSON, to do it in a public space, let someone know where and who you are meeting, do not get in a car with him nor let him "walk" you home or go home/hotel with him. BE smart and BE safe. Yes, I know you may think OH THIS guy would never do anything bad.... YOU DO NOT KNOW. And even if he doesn't, that is still a GOOD and smart way to keep sex of the table for the first meet and be safe at the same time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): I think in your mind you was taking the relationship to the next level in the only way you saw how because it is being conducted online, so i am going to assume it is long distance. It really all depends on when you are going to see him, where and for how long, because if you meet up only for a day or so to then be parted for another few months my feeling would be that the expectation would be to have sex.
It is not an easy question to answer because there has been a next step so to speak. But i guess as and when you meet you of course have every right to say no until you are ready. Pictures being sent to someone you haven't met for me is dodgy ground because you simply don't know them in person, i have only ever sent my boyfriend them and needless to say we are already in an established relationship built on trust and i have never sent full on nude pics more teasing ones.
But hey i am in my forties and i know full well in the modern times this happens. Will he think less of you, i doubt it because you have been speaking a while and seem to like each other. Will he expect you to have sex with him straight away, it really doesn't matter if he does or not so long as you are clear of your boundaries....
Sorry to me the answer isn't outright straightforward so i hope my thoughts give you something to think about
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): This looks suspicious. You have no idea who is on the other side of the computer screen. My bet is on him being married or unavailable. It's been three months and there has been no meeting one another in person? And now you're sexual? Hmmm. It's all going way too fast. He's not serious in the least. He just wants some fun, non committal side entertainment with a pretty young woman. Sorry babes.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 December 2018):
 Well, nude photos are a terrible and naive idea. Let’s hope if/when you break up he doesn’t post them to friends or online. Seriously, OP - nudity is for in person, not losing control of on the phone or computer. Please don’t do it again - it’s unnecessary and dangerous.
No more phone sex until you’re preprared to have actual sex and no more nudes EVER. Meet in public. Go on dates. See if there’s substance to it. No more sexual chat until you’re actually dating exclusively, not just chatting. You’re using sex to try to keep him interested, but it’s not worth it if that’s the only thing that will keep him interested. Stop rushing things before you’ve even met properly. Take things slowly.
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