A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for some help and advice. I'm friends with a co worker at work who is a female, we agreed to just talk at the workplace instead of facebook as she says gets overwhelmed by receiving messages. I did something I'm not proud of and sent her flowers. I hadn't realised I'd sent her anything. I have what is known as compulsive syndrome where I do things and I'm having therapy for this, I'm on anti depressants to curb it but it's a ongoing problem for me.I feel terrible and guilty and ive not been into work for the last couple of weeks because of the embarassment and I didn't want to face the rejection of her not talking to me.I'd like to save the friendship but don't know if it can be.what should I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 August 2016):
 I thought I had explained it in my post ?, but maybe I was not clear enough, I 'll try again.
In the sense that who followed your posts can see that often you say that you did or wrote things " by accident ", " involuntarily " " I had not understood that.... ". But then from the follow ups it turns out that it was not so. They were not mistakes, it was not involuntary etc.,.... and you had the clear perception and understanding that what you were going to do or write was not appropriate , within boundaries, or simply... the smart thing to do.
You just did not chose to use self control.
Now you are going to tell me : " Of course I did not ! I have a compulsive syndrome ! "... and here you stump us, because we do not have the way to to know exactly HOW compulsive is your compulsive syndrome.
But, FWIW, having a compulsive disorder does not mean that you are like possessed by an infernal demon which forces you to do bad stuff, and you have no resort against it. It just means that for you controlling your impulses may be more difficult than for the average person, and cause you unpleasant feelings of anxiety, agitation, sadness etc. You don't want to deal with that, so you do the first thing that comes to mind... just to regret it afterwards.
I am afraid that if you do not accept that you are engaged in a battle for your mental / emotional wellbeing , and that battles necessarily imply moments of anxiety, fear, sadness, despair and all negative feelings, ... this a battle that you are not going to win.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): I'm sorry to hear that you experienced that female reader, it hasn't gotten the far with me but work have been understanding about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): in what sense don't you believe me?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 August 2016):
Anon female, I see perfectly where you are coming from, but I think the reason everybody is nicer to the OP than his behaviour would deserve, is that, from reading his numerous posts, and from the OP's own admission, it's rather evident that we are dealing with a mental health issue , maybe a serious one. Scoldings won't make sick people heal.
The more this goes on, the less I am sure that the OP is fully able ( forget about willing ) to take responsibility for his actions and to make a conscious effort to change them.
I remember , in a previous post, that I gave him this little speech, like : " Ok, OP, you say you have some sort of OCD symptoms, or maybe an emotional- affective addiction -( yes it exists in psichology, I did not invent it:), and you have Asperger traits... but all this does not makes you psychotic, right ? It does not make you lose touch with reality or live in a fantasy world. You are still able to understand what people says and why, that " no " means " no " etc. etc. "..
Well, tbh, I am not so 100% sure about that anymore, which is very sad. If we have to take at face value that the OP not only has a huge problem with impulse control- but also has amnesia, often does things without the conscience of having done them and why- then he does loses contact with reality, and that 's a territory just for specialists where we Dear Cupiders cannot follow him and have no hope that any advice we have will be heard, considered or followed.
The reason why anyway I am actually bothering to post again, though, is that ... I don't quite believe him:)
I have followed all the saga, and I have noticed that our OP often resorts to white lies- which he takes back later. He often says " I don't remember " " I did not know " " I did not realize " ... when in fact then it turns out that he remembered, knew, and realized he was messing up. It was just too much bother NOT to mess up.
A bit like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar . " It wasn't me." " It was my imaginary friend " " The devil made me do it "....
So, OP- first things first :
go back to work, immediately. I don't even know how you could skip work for two weeks, did you call in sick ( and it was a lie ), or did you just stop showing up ? You can't risk your job like that, - unless you work just for fun and don't need the money to pay your bills.
She may talk to you, she may ignore you... we don't know, we'll see.
But if you get kicked out of this job, and with bad references , then you will find yourself without the girl, and also without a job !
Go back in therapy, see a shrink if you just have a GP prescription, take your issues seriously. Tell your doctor detailedly and openly all that you have told and are telling us, so that he may adjust / intensify your treatment. Tell him that it's not working that great so you need to look deeper into things. A "compulsive syndrome " to be cured with bland antidepressants is when you wash your hands 3 times before dinner rather than one, we are a step further here, and probably you need more specific interventions. You also need the tools to retrain your thoughts and have some control over your actions and emotions, there are different kinds of talk therapy to help you get these tools, but - you need to go look for them.
- When in doubt , do nothing is always a reasonable advice. You are an Aspie but that does not make you stupid, in fact they are more intelligent than average. So, you may have noticed that your frenetic attempts to fix this " friendship " are just steeping you in hot water more and more.
You are irritating this girl. You are harassing her. You are SCARING her, probably.
Who would want to be friends with a guy one is afraid of ?.
So- to bring back things to normality if that is even possible, you have to stop whatever you are doing with and for this girl , at least until everything cools down a bit. Don't talk to her, do not follow her around, don't write, don't send flowers , do nothing. Just mirror her. If she says " hi " say hi, if she ignores you, let yourself be ignored.
Just leave her alone for a good while. Otherwise you are going to end up with no friend and no job, but with a police record instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): Apart from Honeypie everyone has been way too kind to you on your pursuit of your co-worker. You've posted several other questions about your increasing obsession with this woman on DC and been offered sensible, practical advice yet each time you've consistantly ignored it and now you're talking about sending her notes - seriously??When will you stop? When you get disciplined at work for sexual harassment? When the police knock on your door and ask you to leave this woman alone? When the judge sentences you?Some people may think I'm overreacting in writing the above however I have first hand experience of how the quiet, suited man sitting in the corner of the office can become your worst nightmare.Mine started much like you by chatting occasionally during tea break at work however over the months it escalated to staring at me a lot, hanging around me unnecessarily, then sending me emails and flowers at which point I complained to my line manager and he was disciplined. Then he started following me home.... Eventually he lost his job and it was only when the police told him they were going to prosecute and he could go to prison that he stopped.You paint yourself as a benign soul who just wants to be friends with this woman or "female" as you refer to her but really your behaviour is aggressive and creepy. She blocked you on facebook with good reason then told you she wanted to only talk to you at work, yet you've decided that's not good enough and you insist on inserting yourself further into her life. You're now entering stalking territory. In UK law stalking is defined as persistent and unwanted attention that makes you feel pestered and harassed. You don't have to threaten her with violence to be breaking the law.If I were you I'd go to my GP and tell them what you've been doing and ask for more help. I'd also start looking for another job as they'll be aware of your obsession with this woman now and they'll be watching you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 August 2016):
 So, will you talk to your therapist about getting "tools" to deal with your impulsive side?
And will you APOLOGIZE to the girl? And then LEAVE her be?
You come across as very smart, intelligence is great, but... it's not your IQ most people will notice, it's your EQ (emotional intelligence).
https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/emotional-intelligence
USE that IQ in hands with your therapists suggestion to work on your EQ.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 Are you saying no never to leaving this girl alone? If that is the case Sweetie you will end up losing your job for almost stalking this girl, is that what you want? She doesn't want you on facebook, you say you don't remember buying her flowers, but then you say you did it so she would re-add you on facebook. You contradicted yourself there. If you are not going to listen to our advice, then be prepared for things to get very messy. You will lose your job if you just stop going to work because you are embarrassed, but I think it might be best you work somewhere else so you can get this girl out of your head.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): No never
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): I am currently.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 August 2016):
TAKE responsibility for your action. You condition DIDN'T make you do it. You did it, hoping for a different outcome.
GO to work and TELL her the flowers were a peace-offering for having offended her in the past with the whole NOT respecting boundaries. Either she will accept your apology or she will tell you to go "fly a kite".
And whatever the outcome RESPECT it.
She isn't a friend. And you are NOT being a friend to her either. FRIENDS respect boundaries. So no, there isn't anything TO save here.
If you don't watch out she will start to think you are stalking her and being inappropriate.
Are you seeing a therapist for the compulsive syndrome? So you can get some tool and TRY and manage yourself better socially? I have OCD- I'm "compelled" to certain "rituals" in my daily life. They used to make up such a huge part of my day to day life, but with therapy I feel more in control of the routines than the routines controlling me.
Most people DO NOT find it acceptable when others don't respect SET boundaries. And THAT can land you in hot water, legally and socially.
If you are not seeing a therapist, I think you NEED to start seeing one again.
AND... you NEED to leave this girl alone. You are quite possible freaking her out. Is that what you intended?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): that's correct about facebook and talking just at work. I do have amnesia. I posted something on her facebook wall to get in touch originally which caused a bit of commotion as I didn't realise other people could comment on it.
we have had one or two run ins, the only boundary she said to me was to just talk at work, and that was it and she was happy with that arrangement. The flowers weren't of an apology it was for her to reconsider putting me back on her facebook page.
I'm now in a pickle as to what to do for the best, do I leave her a note at work to be passed and hope she reads it or do I face the music?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I've never heard of someone being overwhelmed by Facebook messages before. It sounds like she doesn't really want to talk to you but you're not taking the hint.
You need to back off man
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): He has pervious been inappropriate in what he expects of this woman online and she has blocked him and asked that he only contact her at work, he continues to try to become friends with her.
You need to go back to work. You've explained to her before why your behaviour isn't as she'd expect, so you can maybe say the flowers were an apology.
You now need to only talk to her about work matters, you've learned that you're being inappropriate and that she's uncomfortable so stop contacting her unless it's related to work.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I'm pretty sure (though, not 100%) the OP has posted before about crossing boundaries with this co-worker, leading to being banned from her Facebook, Llifton.
OP, you need to give her lots of space. You can't not go into work just because it's awkward. You're an adult and you need to accept responsibility, then act accordingly. You *have* to leave her alone until she talks to you. Even after that, you need to treat her like anyone else; it sounds like you thought you had a friendship and she doesn't.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I'm confused. For one, you aren't allowed to be friends on Facebook and are only to speak at work? Did something happen to cause this? Have you two already had some issues or run-ins in the past that caused her to need to set boundaries with you? And two, you weren't aware of sending her flowers? It's one thing to do things compulsively and regret it later, and quite another to have absolutely zero recollection of it. Do you have some sort of amnesia that causes you to forget? I have never heard of this.
Normally I'd say just play the flowers off as a nice, friendly gesture. I mean, that's sweet and thoughtful and can brighten someone's day. However, once again, I get the impression that there's a lot more going on here than just this. I get the impression that there is some sort of constant boundary crossing that would cause her to stop being friends with you over you sending flowers to her work. Has she asked you for space? Has she set boundaries with you that you haven't followed? Please elaborate a bit more.
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