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I seem to always get sexual problems, that just dont go away, my bf is now feeling rejected!!

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 September 2006) 2 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

Hello there.

I am a 22 year old girl, and have been with my man for 3 1/2 years now. I love him very much, and I know that he loves me. We have been so happy all this time but now sex is getting us down.

For the first 2 years, our sex life was great! We would have sex almost every second night. About a year and a half ago, I started to get thrush. It wasn't so bad at first, but then I started to get it every time we made love. My libedo (I apologise about my spelling) was way down. I have never really gained it back, as I am always uncomfortable in that area now, and very rarely "healed" enough to have sex.

To add to this, I have unfortunately contracted herpies from my boyfriend. He had his first outbreak 2 years ago. I had my first outbreak about 2 months ago. He is a very healthy man, and his break outs do not last long, are rather far apart, and never very bad. Unfortuantely things hang around with me. I could not walk for the first week, and cried in pain every day. I have been to the doctor and treated it, and it has gotten much better. I thought it was almost gone at one point, but I was wrong. I still have the outbreak and it doesn't seems to be going anywhere.

My doctor has told me that my body needs time, and space to heal itself. I agree. My libedo was low before, but now its pretty non-existant.

My boyfriend feels terrible that I now have this problem too, but he is making me feel extremely guilty about now being able to make love. He does take for granted that he heals so quickly. I have asked him to be patient with me, and give me more time to heal completely. But I just know I will have some other problem when we next make love.

Its now been 3 months since we have had sex, as I first had thrush, then got this. Now I have both. I think I will be at least a month off from being right again, but the stress this is causing on our relationship is huge. He feels rejected now that I have no sex drive, and he feels that I do not enjoy sex.

How do I help him understand it's not him? Its been a year of constant problems and pain for me "down there". Am I right in asking for more time, and space? I feel so guilty and this is truely pushing him away. How do we cope?

View related questions: sex drive, sex life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006):

hun i know how u feel i contracted herpes from my ex, and he knew he had it, just never bothered telling me because he was too embarrassed!!!! now i feel like i'l never be able to have a sexual relationship ever again as i don't want to put anyone else through it. it does get better though i promise u, over time they become less sore and get smaller lasting for shorter periods of time. before u have sex check his penis for any little coldsore scabs/dry parts. if there are any don't have sex until they'r gone. not exactly romantic checking for scabs before sex i no, but it will stop u from having another outbreak. also try a chinese herbal store, i got some pills which get rid of the side effects (scabs and sores) and claim to even fight away the virus, its worth trying good luck xxx

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (12 September 2006):

Wendyg agony auntHi there! Well Thrush in itself is nasty when its re-occuring or always present and I dont blame you for not feeling sexy! Please make sure that this is Thrush that you have and not some underlying other problem. Its not unusual for Thrush to keep coming back or fail to clear, but Im concerned given that you have contracted herpes from your partner, that this could actually be something else, along the lines of Chlymadia, sometimes no symptoms, sometimes a dishcarge and a multitude of symptoms, or this could be something else medically,so please please get yourself checked out on that front just in case.

Now you caught Herpes, from the man you love, does he expect you to be doing kartwheels and jump on him every waking minute because you feel sooo sexy feeling like the way you do ??? Hes being a little selfish here hun.. He should be more sympathetic towards the actual problem here, and thats the fact you have Herpes, thrush, generally feel unwell down below and he wants sex, and because feeling like this you dont want sex he thinks its about him ?? How dare he say hes rejected!! Your sore, fed up, feeling very run down and hes like but you dont like sex, you have gone off sex, jeeezzzz girl, no wonder you dont feel like it with all that going on... oh by the way, have you treated him for thrush ? Can be passed back if hes not cleared, its not always clear its present in the male and can hide under the head! and can linger around, get him treated this could all be being passed back and fourth! It means he has to apply a cream to the head of the penis for about a week, sometimes 2, 3 times a day, only way to be sure hun. You should not be feeling guilty, get him to read this hun, this could be a step to make him see its not him thats making you not want him, its all the other crap and that he needs to be a little more sympathetic. Now the outbreak as you say can take a while to clear out, and well if your feeling this run down and fed up will take longer, and also the thrush can re occur when you are run down too, so you need him to be caring and understanding that you didnt ask for all this and you are dealing the best way you can. Now, just becayse he feels A okay, and the Herpes for him is at bay, does not mean that you are... can he not see that this is making you depressed ? can he not see you dont want to be like this through choice ? He needs to be patient, if you are to get back to normal he has to allow you to fully recover, treat himself for thrush and be more sensitive. Tell him its nothing to do with him but how sore and crap you feel down below, and that you love him and need his support rather than his doubt. Once you have the support and the caring attitude this will become easier for you, and will help you on the road to recovery. Relax, take your time, and get match fit. Once you have ironed out the crinkles and got yourself checked out properly, and healed and feeling nice again the sex drive will come back, its not so much your sex drive its the fear of getting thrush and ending up in this circle again. Get yourself fixed first and tackle that when it comes, sometimes the clothing you wear after sex can lead to thrush, ensure you empty your bladder, and in your case for a while have a little wash after sex, the bacteria actually lives in the rectum, but is present in the vagina and can easily be transferred after sex or going to the loo, so always pee after! avoid Talcum or perfumed soaps, and try not to wear thongs or G strings for a while, try wearing a skirt and not tight jeans, and generally keep the area ventilated as best you can, all these things will aid you in getting rid of thrush and try these for a long period rather than short bursts just to get you feeling healthier down there again.

Now get your man to read this, I am here to offer more advice if you so wish, The fact you have written here should who him how much you care and how much you want things back and how hurting you are about all this and dont want him to feel rejected. Kiss cuddle love each other in every other way until this is all cleared up.. Tell him how much you love him and care and how much you want all this to be cleared up, and that he has to be a little patient and understanding in all of this, and that you are a person that has feeling and you dont want to feel like this but the more supportive he can be the better you will feel sooner! Dont let the sex be the focus of you two for now, if you love each other, you will realise he takes more than sex to be a couple and that in times of crisis you have to pull together, love each other and get back on par when you can, you have a very valid reason babe for why you feel like this, its not like you are just telling him no, its because you are unwell and are sore. In time it will all clear up but stop stressing this will delay your recovery. You can mail me anytime you like on here if I can help I will be more than happy to.

Take care and I hope this all works out well for you.

x x x

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